The power of NC

[Need1ozHope]

Let me thank eNA once again for the advice given to me. Every bit of advice I have read about has helped me get through a tough breakup. It has been 1 month of NC and it seems to be taking a toll on my EX now. The first 2 weeks of NC made me miserable. Each day after became easier and easier. The problem now is, my EX is texting my friends to see how I am doing, she is calling my mother telling her she misses her, and is telling my cousins that she misses me. All I wanted was to get back with her. Now that she misses me, I feel now that she has broken up with me, she doesnt deserve me. Im very confused right now. I want her back but at the same time, I am getting my priorities in order. I suppose its good to know she misses me and is thinking of me but it kinda defeats the purpose of NC. She knew I would find out about her feelings. 1 month of NC and im still going strong. I want the ball in my court this time. I will not call her. If she wants to call me, fine but as the dumpee, I am not making the first move.

[friscodj]

Unless she specifically contacts you and says she wants to talk...ask her what about...and if she says anything less than something to the effect of "I have been doing a lot of thinking and have come to the conclusion I made a big mistake, I have been working on myself and feel ready to give a relationship with you another chance, would you consider that please?"...ignore her...

 

There is no need to think of this as a game, as your statement "ball is now in my court" suggests. The purpose of NC is to not play games! Specifically, not to play her games...which is what she is doing now...

 

You're on the right path my man...stay the course...

[NJRon]

Wise words from friscodj. You're doing great and it shows in your attitude.

[painful]

Hi, this is my first post here. I am ina similar situation and would loev your advice. My bf dumped me, New Year's eve, after 6 months of dating. He said he longer felt the 'spark" and our relationship no longer 'flows'. He also said that he felt insecure about where I am (doing a phd) and where he is at (doing a fist degree). He is 35 and am 31. He also says he was growing to 'resent' me. I ahve been doing NC since then. I broke it once to ask him for something I ahd left at his place and he contacted me once to take a gift that he had on lay by in a store since Christmas for me. Before we broke up, I tried to assure him that I am a normal person despite what I have achieved or done and it did not work. Although am certain that people should naturally love you for who you are, I feel so unworthy and rejected. He had many of the qualities I would want in a partner. He treated me very well ansd was very kind and nurturing and this makes it so hard to let go and move on. Your advice please... am hurting like hell.

[friscodj]

Oh, I'm so sorry...New Year's Eve...of all the times...

 

As for your post, I'd need more details of the relationship to give you an accurate assessment... Why do you think he resented you? Was he insecure, with you being more educated than he? (You mention your attempts to assure him you were a "normal" person despite your achievements) Why do you think the spark went away? Do you think you were too busy and neglected him?

[deejay74]

wow, i got dumped the day before you and my relationship was exactly the same length.

 

i know how you feel. i am hurting as well but please don't make the same mistakes i did. you can read my post in the "healing" section, it should be near the top - i said i was an idiot.

 

anyway, it's going to hurt but please, please, please stick with NC. it's the best choice. feeling unworthy and rejected is normal, i still feel that way but again, learn from my mistakes and worry about yourself. i know, easier said than done when you're hurting. but try as hard as you can.

 

he sounds like an insecure person and do you really want to be with an insecure person? you may have gotten tired of it after another few months or so, who knows.

 

i am not in a position to give advice right now, especially since i didn't take any of it, so please take the advice of others on here. you won't be sorry.

[painful]

Hi Friscodj

 

Let me try to fill in the blanks. When my ex and i began dating, I told him how scared I was of getting hurt and was very resistant for the fist few weeks. I am a student in the country and knew that afterwards I wouldleave and i was unprepared for the trauma of seperation as well. He was very insistent aand chased me until I relented. We were inseperable for weeks. He would come over to my house almost every nigfht and on weekends, even when I have work to do. He always amkes comparisons between us- he wouldtell em how in awe of me he is that I am doing a phd and then he would say, 'look at me, am only doing a first degree'. that is when i began to tell him not to define me by what I am doing but to see me for who I am. but he had me on a pedestal and because of that, he started to feel inferior. I know this because after three months fo dating, he says he needed space. he was feeling overwhelemed by his studies, by university life etc and he felt he has so much on his table and then me to think about. he began to evaluate the relationship as well, which is fair. we have to do that. He told me that i had made him jump so many hurdles and go through so many hoops to be with me and he resented that. He said I was judgmental and critiacl of his approachj to life when we first me. I told him I merely wanted to know him better and to find out what he was up to. He is 35 and started his first degree at 34 so i wanted to fill in time gaps. he said he was travelling, had a girl who was into scientology, went off with her, etc, had a son when eh was a teenager and that took him years to recover and get back his life on track etc. I apologised for being 'judgemetal' and assured him that I am focused on what he is up to now and do accept him completely.

 

 

 

 

He later said he no longer feels the "spark" and we ahve lost the 'flow". Maybe I was too clingy because we had spent almost everyday/weekend together, in each other's face all the time. The first time he said he needed space, I gave him only a week and then I called back to say I cannot do it. Afterwards, it was like he had built up a dossier of things he felt I said/did which he did not like such as wanting my music to eb palyed on drives, he said i was too judgem,ental of his approach to life when we first met. Later, he said that he was fearful of me leaving the country. I came here to study, I will leave when i am through for a while at least. He also said that he was growing to resent me because we are on different roads and he feekls insecure and left behind and overwhelmed by university.

 

Again we discussed it. He took me to meet his family and to spend Christmas with them but after wards, he started to act distant again and comparing himself with me. we broke up New year's eve. I am very broken hearted. I am deeply in love with him.

 

To answer your question, I know he is insecure because he told me so. He told me to my face that he was growing to resent me. He said I am a woamn of respect and he adores me and he feels that he cannot treat me the way I am deserving of. I did not neglect him. I spent as much time with him as possible. i went to watch him surf sometimes several times per week to show support his hobby and I attend gigs where he is a selector. If anything, I may have smothered him and made him claustrophobic. I sincerely apologised and asked forgiivness for whatver he felt that I have done. He is a very good man and he acknowledges that I am a great woman but he has so far been unable to truly love me. he has created so much artificial distance between us taht it became emotionally draining for both of us. I miss him terribly. He wishes us to be good friends but how can you eb friends with someone who tells you taht they resent you. i am so confused and depressed. what shall i do?

[painful]

thank you so much mate. I will read your post.

[friscodj]

painful-

 

I read and pondered your latest post. I definitely have some firm thoughts on it:

 

1) He sounds insecure, fearful, and has low self-esteem. In other words, he has the proverbial relationship "issues." These are the types of people who fall for those who treat them badly and are not ever really happy. Basically, you are too good for him! Your academic position "above" his exacerbated these issues, it didn't create them. Recognize that...

 

2) It sounds like you may have been a little hard on him, but I think, even if you were absolutely perfect (and no one is, just theoretically speaking here for reference), the relationship still wouldn't have worked out based on (1) above. I don't think he is capable of having a healthy, loving relationship with anyone at this point in his life for whatever reason. And when you start missing him and maybe even contemplating wanting to get back together with him, remember that things won't change if you do get back together. The only way they would change is if you guys both attended counseling together and he sought additional counseling for his issues described in (1). I think it is his issues that contributed more to the feelings of resentment than your treatment of him.

 

3) So where do you go from here? I think you make a clean break, go NC, and focus on your stuff and getting your life back on track. Focus on re-establishing routines and on your studies. Analyze what happened here until you get sick of it! Write down what happened if you must. Recognize things you could do better for next time, and use those feelings of self-improvement to expedite the healing process. In time, after you no longer have romantic feelings for him, you might consider shooting him a quick email to say, "Hi", or something, and go from there regarding a friendship. But that is a ways off for you right now I think...

 

Also, for relationships you will have in the future (and you most definitely will love again, and love someone who can give themselves to you without the cloud of insecurity and doubt), remember this one and what happened.

 

If you are looking for a nutshell assessment, I would say you guys just aren't right for each other, and he has more to work on than yourself.

 

I know exactly how you feel and there is no easy way to get through it. Just focus on your stuff, getting into routines, taking baby steps each day on the road to recovery expecting setbacks once in a while, and not contacting him nor expecting him to contact you. Do you have a passion in life such as a sport, music, art? Really delve into that as well, or find one, try something new you've always wanted to try...that has helped me in the past to heal faster.

 

You can also take comfort in realizing this happened before you guys had gotten married, had kids, house, pets, etc. Also realize it just wasn't meant to be, because I really feel that is the case here.