lack of experience = disadvantage?

[Prufrock06]

Hey all,

 

So yeah, I'm 23 years old, I came out to myself and my friends and family beginning last summer and I'm anticipating entering the dating scene but, of course, still pondering some issues. For one, the fact that I've never been in a relationship before, never had a boyfriend, never slept with another guy save for some "experimentation" with a friend in middle school. My concern is whether this puts me (or anyone else in a similar situation) at some kind of disadvantage when it comes to dating or trying to date or start a relationship with someone.

 

I mean, everyone has to start somewhere, right? But I belong to a GLBT community here at the college I attend and I get the sense that so many of these guys have been in relationships before that I'm left sometimes feeling like the little kid who's sidestepped the kiddie pool for the deep end of the adult pool and is struggling to stay afloat.

 

For example, I was at a party the other week talking to this cute guy who, funny enough, lives in my hometown. And so we got to talking about coming out and I told him that I came out relatively recently and he asked if I'd ever had a boyfriend. Of course, I said no -- and then I began to ruminate on whether this was a "turn-off" so to speak; that my lack of having had a boyfriend before meant that I wasn't worth the time or effort to get to know, because I would come accross as some bumbling sort of virgin (which, I suppose, in a way I am). And then yesterday, I was having coffee with this guy from the group and I was confiding in him about how recently I came out -- again, I got hit with this same feeling of being somehow "inferior" because of my inexperience in the gay dating scene. Again, these feelings aren't necessarily taken from signals I get from the guys I'm communicating with, but more self-imposed; so that I tell myself, "well, if I had said that I had been in a relationship before, maybe I would have been a bit more marketable..."

 

But again, everyone has to start somewhere, right? At one time, everyone hadn't been in a relationship before -- so why I am left feeling so bereft because I'm 23 and I feel no one would want to get involved with me because of my inexperience: either they'd think I was just out for a "hook-up" (which I'm not) or I would be too "clingy" or that I'm still a closet case (which I'm not -- and this this notion is the one that frustrates me the most). Call me vain, but I feel like I would make a pretty d**m great boyfriend to some guy, if only he would give me a chance. But I feel like everytime I bring up the fact that I've recently come out or never been in a relationship to another guy I'm talking with at a party or over coffee or whatever, I have to worry about the impression I'm leaving; what my lack of history says to other people about me...

 

Does this make any sense?

[mgirl]

and then I began to ruminate on whether this was a "turn-off" so to speak; that my lack of having had a boyfriend before meant that I wasn't worth the time or effort to get to know, because I would come accross as some bumbling sort of virgin

 

Careful, you're starting to sound like some of those insecure people i see out who think that it's all about getting a shag and being desirable.

 

So, you're a virgin? Big deal.

 

At least you haven't lowered yourself with the wrong people all your life. You have no idea how those things come back to haunt you.

 

Stay true to yourself and don't worry about being a virgin. We all have to start somewhere and if he is not willing to persevere with you, then he is not worth it.

[Prufrock06]

Careful, you're starting to sound like some of those insecure people i see out who think that it's all about getting a shag and being desirable.

 

 

Hmm...not my intention at all. Perhaps I was in something of a funk at the writing of this thread because a shag isn't what I'm after. But I do think we all have a part of us that wants to be desirable and I don't think that's necessarily an insecurity, just a standard emotional yearning. The question I'm after is how much of a role experience (not just sexual experience but relationship experience) plays in the desireability (?) of another individual.

[jamie379]

The question I'm after is how much of a role experience (not just sexual experience but relationship experience) plays in the desireability (?) of another individual.

I'm gonna say alot. I never would have believed it myself until I found someone who I could spend time with and be satisfied with just that.

[Jinx]

These I like to think of as our portion of the gay community which likes to spread stereotypes like wildfire, our narrow minded half. It just bothers me, these people complain about stereotypes then they keep going through with them and hurts ALL of us.

 

Anyhow, aside of the momentary rant, late teens early twenties seem to be the hard hit years. I, like yourself, am interested in a long term romantic relationship that will last and be happy; we are a select minority at this age it appears. That is one reason that as much as I'd like a relationship I'm not going to get myself burnt by taking up someone whom is still in the drugs, sex, alcohol live life fast and wild stage.

 

I do understand this caution to a degree with another person who is interested in the long term, but it has nothing to do with the virginity, and I have this mental block to an extent as well.

 

There is the all too common potential that a person who is in the for the long term takes a partner who has no dating or sexual experiences and falls in love, this other person decides they need to find greener pastures and explore the world. The first ends up heartbroken despite they did everything right. Even I have a tendency to fret mildly over this. I have male dating experience and that was enough of my pasture exploration that I'm ready to date women and preferably find a relationship that lasts whether that takes the first, third, whatever time.

 

It really depends what the individual's fear is. If it is that they take in the unexperienced and fear they will be left for another that is one case. Now, if they are just concerned you're a virgin which is too time consuming they aren't worth the breath anyhow.

 

Age like I'll say again seems to be a major contributing factor, in the twenties there are very few actually ready to settle down into a relationship which is steady and long term. Most are trying to get life done so they can enter the professional world, they have the mindset there is nothing exciting after the roaring twenties I guess.

 

In the end it all boils down to the fact you mentioned; we're all a bunch of inexperienced virgins to start with and no matter how much experience one brags of, they too, were once a seriously confused clueless awkward groping virgin hoping it would get better along the way. So we all either at some point take on both being virgins or one being the leader for the other until it does click in. A person who deems their interest in the sexual aspect of this being time consuming and pointless (working with a virgin) is simple minded, if it is dating fears I can understand that within reason.

[Tigris]

Why don't you ask the guy for some advice? First of all he'll feel flattered you asked for his advice and secondly you never know he may be interested in you?

[FoxLocke]

I think those feelings of "inferiority," for lack of a better term, come from our overly sexually saturated society.

 

Everyone now thinks that they have to go into a relationship being a sexual pro, lol. Prufrock, I used to feel that way too. But it all comes down to how you feel about yourself and your own moral integrity.

 

Everyone has to have a first time. And even if you aren't a virgin you might be with a certain person for the first time. I used to have these same hang ups, but I've decided that I would be up front and honest with my potential partner about my sexual history(and lack thereof)with other guys.

 

So, don't stress out about it. Guys who allow themselves to become insecure about that wind up becoming those club hoppers...**shudders!** LOL. You are a great person, and anyone would be blessed to be able to be with you. =)

[mgirl]

Hmm...not my intention at all. Perhaps I was in something of a funk at the writing of this thread because a shag isn't what I'm after. But I do think we all have a part of us that wants to be desirable and I don't think that's necessarily an insecurity, just a standard emotional yearning. The question I'm after is how much of a role experience (not just sexual experience but relationship experience) plays in the desireability (?) of another individual.

 

If you had have read my post carefully, you would realise i am not alluding to this. And if you remember a few weeks back, when the threads on gay men and vanity were happening, and if you remember my stance (which you probably don't), i don't believe sex is the way to get acceptance, or attain 'desirability', which is kind of like 'acceptance' anyway.

 

So... read carefully for there is a lot of wisdom in my post. If you don't want to, then that's okay. I have better things to do than waste my time on enotalone giving people advice.

[Prufrock06]

If you had have read my post carefully, you would realise i am not alluding to this. And if you remember a few weeks back, when the threads on gay men and vanity were happening, and if you remember my stance (which you probably don't), i don't believe sex is the way to get acceptance, or attain 'desirability', which is kind of like 'acceptance' anyway.

 

So... read carefully for there is a lot of wisdom in my post. If you don't want to, then that's okay. I have better things to do than waste my time on enotalone giving people advice.

 

 

mgirl,

 

You warned me to be careful that I was coming accross as one of those people who "it's all about getting a shag and being desireable." To which I reponded that I didn't want to come accross that way. That's all. I don't see any need for this hostile tone, especially considering that I never made any claims that you believed sex was a way to gain acceptance or attain desireablity. All I did was make reference to the basic human desire (whether gay or straight) to want to appear desireable to the same (or opposite) sex. That's all...

 

I'm sorry you feel you have better things to do than give people advice, because I very much enjoyed your post and agreed with it wholeheartedly.

[Imaginary]

I think people are just trying to keep the conversation, and you are being a bit insecure and reading too much into it.

 

And really, what kind of date begins with "so... how many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?" Now, that is a turn-off.

 

You said it yourself, we all have to begin somewhere.