Ex Is Coming Over Tonight... ??

[merickso]

Group,

 

so, for those of you that havent read any of my posts, my exgf broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I have been trying NC and sort of achieving it. She sited her need to better her relationship with God as the reason for the break up. when I stopped calling/emailing her, she started contacting me and we have been talking a bit the last 2 days (she has initiated it). I emailed her this morning and was as genuine as I could be.

 

In my email, I said "I would like to meet with you tonight to discuss our relationship. If you decide not to meet with me, then I will leave you alone and respect your wishes and really focus on moving forward with your choice of not having me in your life."

 

She called me a few hours later and said she would meet me tonight at my place, so here I am waiting... I am a friggen nervous wreck. Anyway, I dont know what my plan is; I dont have one. I do not get the feeling that things are going to work out, but I suppose I'll just see what happens when she is here.

 

I know that there is part of me getting hopeful, part of me feeling like meeting her is a mistake, and part of me that feels like, with all the help I have received on here and from my family and friends, I might actually be better off without her. Basically I am prepared to let her know that, if she doesnt want to be with me in a relationship which is clear, then she should try to give me the answers I am looking for and respect me enough to not continue to lead me on (calling/emailing that she misses me, loves me, etc)

 

But I love her and its going to be hard.

[ocrob]

Good luck and keep us posted.

[shamus]

oh dude

best of luck to you.

dont be surprised if she does not show up.

if she does i would take that as a positive then decide where you will go from there.

ask yourself if you truly want to be with this woman.

if she shows...listen.

just listen. you should agree with everything she says. agree if she says she needs time and space; or even if she doesnt want to be with her. "yeah, you're right, it's for the best"

begging, pleading, telling her you love her will only further push her away. let her see that yeah, she can go down that road, but if she does, she will lose you.

[DN]

shamus gave good advice. The worst thing is if she feels she can put you on the back-burner so she can come back whenever she feels like it. Essentially, she is in the relationhsip or she's out.

 

But do keep us posted.

[merickso]

UPDATE:

 

we chit-chatted for a bit, it was quite awkward, she sat with me on my couch and was holding my hand the whole time. I told her that I missed her, but that I was doing my best to respect her wishes and leaving her alone, and that I was working hard to move on and get used to a life without her.

 

She then told me that she doesnt want to move on and she believes that we can be "us" again, however, she needs more time to make sure that the changes in her life (and mine) are for real, and not just because we were apart. I told her that I didn't think that I could just sit by and wait for her, and that the more time that she puts between us, the less likely it is that we will ever be together again.

 

Anyway, it was quite civil, I didnt break down (nothing crazy anyway), we didnt really argue (at one point she was frustrated because I didnt want to wait for her), but at the end it was the same feeling as if she hadnt come - I was alone in my bed, without her beside me.

 

I am very committed to continue what I have been doing - not contacting her, working on myself, reading this forum (I was actually axious to tell all of you guys what was going on when I was talking to her), etc. I suppose I feel a bit better knowing that she cares and that she does want to be with me, but I am almost completely certain that what she is looking for from me will never be enough, and I told her that last night. she said that she needs me to show her that I have a strong relationship with God, and I told her that I didn't think I could show her that.

 

Anyway, I am still here, still fighting the daily heartbreak battle, still missing my girlfriend.

 

Thanks for listening.

[NJRon]

Wow Merickso. I'm glad you stood your ground for what is right for you. You are doing the right thing in the right way.

[Itsok]

You are doing the right thing, trying to move forward anyway. I didn't like that she is frustrated that you don't feel you should 'wait for her.' She is the one who ended the relationship, and if you choose to move forward without her, all the power to you!

 

I wonder if this relationship will ever work out for you two...it seems she really craves someone who is more religious than you are to share a relationship with God on a different level than you are willing or able to do. It is so important to her that you are religious, and she wants you to show her how religious you are...

 

I don't believe that the best way to have someone become what you want is to break it off and hope they change and come back again, 'repaired.' When people break up, they do so for a reason, and if that situation can't be resolved, the relationship should not resume.

 

Obviously this is the breaking point for the relationship, so if I were you, I would decide fairly soon if you are willing to rearrange your religious beliefs to match hers, and become more of 'what she wants.' If not (I assume this is a 'not' situation) then it's time to move on.

 

Big hugs to you.

 

Good luck!

[merickso]

hmm. I agree with you, itsok, this is sort of the make or break. See, its not that we dont share similar beliefs, I just so need the need to "devote" ones life to his or her faith, and she was never like that either. She never devoted her life to her faith, and everything was fine. So, there is a part of me that feels like if I can just show her enough, then maybe I'll be able to get her back and she will mellow down and realize that she doesn't need to be worrying about her religion 24/7.

 

Its so frustrating because I feel so strongly that she is going to realize that she isnt right about needing our relationship to be consumed with her religion. We didnt have it before and we were great. Anyway, you're right, in all honesty I do not believe that she will ever be satisfied with the way I live my life in terms of my beliefs, so whats the point?

 

I am a true believer that two people can be together, have a great relationship, eventhough their beliefs are not completely the same. I can respect that someone else feels differently about religion, since there are 10000 different suggestions about faith, and no proof that any one group is correct!!

 

And becuase of my feeling that we can be together eventhough we are slightly different, its hard to let go.

[NJRon]

Yeah, it's tough. It's like when someone leaves you because they feel they want to accomplish certain things in their life. Yet, you know that they could accomplish those things just as easily in a relationship. If they wanted the relationship.

 

She's not choosing between you or God. She is trying to decide whether she wants to be with you, period. She's just using religion as the cop out.

 

It's good that she was upset when you said that you didn't know if you could wait for her. It proves that she realizes that there is actually something to lose. That she *does* have to make a choice.

[DN]

I also congratulate you on being strong and stranding your ground. Well done and keep it up. No contact will definitely make her realise that you will be gone soon - and I hope it makes you realise it as well.

[Itsok]

You are absolutely right about religion not needing to affect a relationship that much. Two people can have opposite beliefs about many things and still have a stable and happy relationship.

 

She will soon realize that she has to accept the way you and God interact or lose you for good. Because that is all this is about: you also believe in God, but interact with Him differently. That is no reason to break up an otherwise good relationship.

 

God bless you and may you be lead in the right direction!

[1824blue]

I agree with DN and NJRon, that was really strong of you to stand you ground, show some backbone and not let her think that she can do whatever she pleases for however long she desires and you will still be there in the background loving her.

 

As much as she was frustrated, what you did was alot more attractive and genuine then if you were to say that you will always wait for her.

 

You are doing great, and I look to all of you for inspiration when I get those weak moments or waves that so often seem to pass over. Stay strong, and respect yourself and your needs.