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What is this No Contact about then?

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Many make their own interpretation of this No Contact deal. So what is it all supposed to be about? Whichever forum you look in that has broken relationships as the theme, especially this one, every piece of advice recommends NC or No Contact. At first it seems obvious, but there is more to it than just the words.


Of course, the first thought is to stop writing letters, sending emails or SMS messages. Face to face conversations. That's no contact, isn't it? Well it is just a part of what you should really be aiming for.


I would wager that many, if not most of you will open your email client, hoping that the ex has sent or replied with words that mean an end to your misery and a reconciliation is the only way forward. Each time your mobie (cell) phone alerts you to a text, your heart skips a beat. Everytime the mail drops through your door you check the handwriting on the envelope.


Unfortunately there is little you can do about the mail. That will carry on until you have got matters sorted in your own head. But you can do something about the other things. And it can only help you if you do this. Delete the ex from your address book, your email client, your Instant messangers, your phone.


Something else that I found that helped me, it might just help you. I collected all of my photographs with the ex in the shot. Any souvenirs that we ever got that reminded me of the ex and the time that we got the souvenir. Every single item that reminded me of the ex, I gathered them all together, looked at them with longing and heartache, then I took them to my garden and burned them, or threw them away. I bought new bed linen, burned scented candles in every room and completely scrubbed every trace of the ex from my home. There was nothing that might accidentally trigger a memory to kick off the longings and heartbreak left lying around.


Aha, you might be thinking, but I want the ex back in my life, and if the ex sees that I have destroyed all traces it isn't going to help. Be real. If your ex should decide to give it another go, you would expect enough understanding to sympathise with the actions you have taken to try to heal from the hurt that you went through. And you can both start afresh. It should be your ambiton, anyway. The last thing you should hope for is to carry on where you left off; that only led to break up. It should be to start all over again. And that includes new photos, new knick-knacks, new everything.


On the other hand, if it is truly all over, you need to heal from this pain as soon as you can. Getting rid of any reminders will help. As will avoiding such hurtful things as hanging out in places you know the ex will be in order to catch the eye. Or driving "accidentally" past their new address, hoping for a glimpse of what might be going on behind closed doors. The least damage such actions can do is to annoy them because you are refusing them space. The worst case scenario is that you will see your ex enjoying the company of another. And I know that will really hurt. For you will be thinking to yourself that, so long as there is nobody else on the scene, you still have a hope.


Whatever your hopes may be, the No Contact applies to each and every aspect of the life you shared together. No matter how it might be dressed up, only in rare circumstances (for example, if there are children involved), will anything to do with you or from you will be welcomed, or even tolerated. If anything, it is most likely that you will push the ex further away. Maybe even as far as the courts, because when you consider your actions, it is as close to stalking as you would dare admit!


As others have posted, after a while, the ex might just be intrigued enough to ask what you are up to; maybe by getting in touch or through an interested third party. In 99% of cases, I regret to have to say, they will not care one way or another.


The main reason for total NC or No Contact, is for your own benefit. I can almost hear the objections. Listen, if you broke your arm you would go to the nearest hospital to get a plastercast put on it so that it would heal as soon as possible. If you had stomach pains you would go to your doctor for a remedy. You have a broken heart. Not easy to splint that; no medicine will ease the pain. Admittedly, if you are depressed to such an extent, you might get a prescription for sleeping tablets or anti depressive tablets, but that still doesn't mend the broken heart. There is only one way that will heal, and that is with you accepting the present state of affairs and letting it go. The pain you feel is something that most people will have felt at least once in their lives, but they know there is nothing they can do to help. Some may offer words of condolence or encouragement. But none will be able to heal it. And, unfortunately, you need to realise that even the perpetrator of this invasion of your internal workings may not be interested in just how you feel. Even in the cases where the ex declares that they had no intention of causing you any hurt, then why did they go?


I have read, in this forum, of those who attend the same school, college, church, work for the same company, sit in a shared office with... It is much more difficult. But what you need to do is either ignore the ex or exchange the least conversation that is relevant to the situation that causes a break of the No Contact and carry on without giving any clues that your stomach might be somersaulting and heart is screaming for a reunion. Then walk away without looking back and do what you need to do to try and get them out of your mind as soon as you can.


No Contact isn't for the benefit of your ex, it is not a tool to win them over. It is for yourself. The only way you can heal your broken heart is to prevent the causes of that hurt from doing more damage. It will be good for you, nobody else. Except, maybe, your friends and family who will see the "old" you again, and feel relieved that you are ready to take the world on again. Nobody that knows you will like what you are allowing yourelf to be, an object of pity.


Cast your mind back to a time before this present state of affairs. Then think about friends or relations who went through similar ordeals. Try, if you can, to remember your thoughts at the time. Of course you wanted to offer words of sympathy and encouragement; but didn't you secretly feel inadequate and that there was little you could do, that they had to work things out for themselves?


As hard as it may be, starting straight away, remove anything and everything that may remind you of the ex. If nothing can rekindle thoughts of them it will be easier to move forward, become yourself again. Do you remember being desirable to the opposite sex? You must do, it attracted the ex to you. It can only attract others, honestly.

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I agree with DN - it's easy to know what NC is...but to really understand, this is a great post to keep reminding ourselves the reasons for NC - b/c it's very easy to turn it around and think this will get your ex back....


I know that I am contantly telling myself NC is for myself and NOT for the hope of getting my ex back, it's hard to not think like that now, but as long as i keep reminding myself...each day i grow stronger and i do realize i need to do this for just me and look forward to my future without him!!!


Thanks for the great post yme!

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