How much do you ask for?

[VeganBohemian]

I love my boyfriend very much and he says and acts as though he loves me too. He makes jokes about marriage and we talk about our children that haven't been born yet LOL. We have fun together and I love him SO much. He tells me he will never leave me because he wants to marry me...we have been going out about 5 months, so I do not take this to heart, but he insists.

 

I really am good about letting him have his chill time. I usually see him only once or twice a week. I talk to him all the time though and we always make time to chat. Now that I have grown so fond of him, I am not okay with that anymore. You don't know him, so you do not understand though. He has no friends. I am it. Me and his dad. He is VERY serious about school too. I am a loner too, so it is all good. But, the problem is...I am not a loner when I am in a relationship. I hate being with people and am VERY unattached to friends and family (and I am not looking to change this either), but I am very obsessive and dependent upon him. I cannot stop thinking about him and about how I want to be with him. Nothing is better than being with him. I have lost interest in most everything else and I don't really feel like I should have to change that...I want a close partnership! If he ever broke up with me, I would be devestated. I am not saying he would any time soon...but I am constantly so paranoid. I know he senses it, too...but the problem is I am actually afraid to put demands on him because I know he likes our dynamic.

 

So, here is the thing. I feel like I am a part of his life...a segment...sometimes like an object. I am not number one on his to-do list. It is like everything comes before me and I am his silly, happy girlfriend who he can only see when everything else in his life is kosher and done with. I know that is how he is. But, I want to be more important...but I am a firm believer in not forcing anything.

 

I do not make the same demands on him as most girls do to their boyfriends. I understand, being a loner myself and not the greatest conversationalist, that every single person needs their down time. But, I get hurt if he says he has something to do and I know he is just going to sit on his * * * and watch E!

 

He is very..."special"...LOL...and I know in my heart that I cannot hold him to the same advice one would follow through with if they were in love with a normal person. So, I probably should not have even asked. He bought me a toothbrush to keep at his apartment...so I guess he does want me around.

 

I still feel as though I am not getting as much as I give though. Any thoughts are appreciated. Am I alone in this? How much time/attention do you ask for? I feel like asking him to do more would be stupid. Like, I am saying, "here, LOVE me more!" You cannot ASK for that!

[RayKay]

Hmmm, this is tricky, because I also am not a believer in forcing things, I really feel they happen naturally, for me I never had to "ask" for more time, as we both just progressed naturally into that willingly.

 

Have you ever talked to him about how you would love to be able to see him more than once a week and felt out his feelings on it?

 

I would be cautious though, this dependency is not really "healthy", and you do need to be a complete person in yourself - not just in case you broke up, but because you need to bring that aspect of yourself to the relationship. It always confounds me why people are surprised when their partner changes their feelings on them after they have become so dependent...but think of it this way - he fell in love with you for your personality, the way you had your interests and passions, and independence.....if you lose all of that, you are really giving up a part of whom you are, and a part of what they fell in love with. And I bet you if you were a busier person, he would be wanting to see you, rather then knowing you are there whenever he can "get to you" on his list.

 

The closest partnerships are really things that come naturally to both partners, and are among people whom are "complete" - not because they NEED one another (false closeness) but because they choose to be close and intimate. It's not about "time" it's about that intimacy level. And if you truly feel last on the list, it might be because you are....why that is I can't say definitively. He may feel a lot for you, but he may not feel he needs to change anything as you are not wanting to SAY anything.

 

I don't know, but to me it sounds like you are working so hard to "keep this dynamic" and him happy, you are denying your own needs, feelings, and self. And that is not good in the long run for either of you or the relationship. It also means he knows you will just be there and not fuss about it, as you don't want to "cause a stir".

 

He does not even have to do much, as he knows you will be there to put all the effort in, he has no chance to do it for himself really.

 

A relationship is about TWO people, not just the one....

 

P.S. (no one is "normal" )

[DN]

Have you told him you would like to spend a little more time with him? If not, just say you love his company and would like to enjoy it a little more. Say it lightly with no pressure and see what he says.

[VeganBohemian]

That is all so true. You are right. He does love that I have passions and stuff and usually if I do wait for him to come to me, he always does.

 

The funny thing is...he is a strong believer in co-dependency even though he is so independent. I sometimes think it is a front though.

 

He has been abandoned his whole life and does not allow himself to trust easily. I will give him the necessary time to work up to that point with me. I do need to chill though.

 

Yeah, I have told him I love seeing him and that if I could I would see him everyday. He does not like when people are dependent on him though, so whenever I say that he says, "it's all good. Relax. I am not going anywhere." or he will say the same thing to me, that he does want to see me more often, but life is busy. We are both in college. I cannot expect him to drop everything every second of the day and run into my arms. Sometimes I see him more than once or twice a week...but it's not real quality time usually. I like when I stay there for a couple nights...I feel like it helps us progress more.

 

I didn't mention that he has never been in a real serious relationship before.

[patience]

Your needs matter just as much as his needs matter.

Are you compatible in other areas?

Does he seem emotionally available for a relationship? Does he enjoy closeness and intimacy as much as you do, or is he standoffish?

 

You deserve to have your needs met in a relationship. There are guys who like to see their girlfriends more often, and who make more of an effort.

 

If this is the way he is, ask yourself how you will feel in another six months? Another year? What if two or three years from now you still only see him once or twice a week? Can you handle that?

 

What sort of relationship do you envision for yourself? What sort of relationship does he envision?

 

I also suggest to try to get involved in other groups/activities so that you have more of a life outside of this relationship. Is there a vegan outreach group or club on your campus? Any environmental groups you could join?

[jimpster2005]

I'm in a similar scenario as you - although perhaps not quite as severe. I'm uncertain of the direction of my life - I don't have any real goals at the moment although I do work that I enjoy. I'm somewhat insecure. My girlfriend is on the other hand very focused and motivated and almost totally secure in herself.

 

I like to spend as much time with her as possible - because she makes me feel good and I love being with her. She on the other hand doesn't feel the urge to spend as much time with me, because she has lots of other things on her plate. In that sense we are quite different - however, I find that we balance each other somewhat.

 

I realise that I can be too needy of her but also realise that this is unhealthy for both myself and the relationship. The fact that I don't get to spend as much time with her as I like allows or perhaps forces me to do my own thing and work on my own life.

 

It could well turn out that we are too different in the end but I think if you love someone enough, you can make things work as long as there is compromise on both sides.

 

I found this article on the web which you may find useful. It certainly made me think, even though it's not entirely related to your situation.

 

 

[NJRon]

I'm not making any judgements here, but I highly recommend that you check this book out:

 

CoDependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

 

It's a really good book and might offer some food for thought.

[The Hyralian One]

Its tough, because if you act too "clingy", the relationship will lose it's challenge. I for one don't like easy relationships. lol. I enjoy a good argument here and there. It helps spice things up sometimes.

 

The perfect test is to just chill out and let it flow, hold off on him a bit and see if he comes to you.

 

Really, you guys have to talk about what you guys want in the relationship. You also have to understand that he has priorities. I mean, I'm not saying that it's good that he has you last on his "to-do" list, but college comes first.

 

Also its not really healthy to see the person everyday in the beginning of the relationship. You have to have time to miss each other. He's used to having alot of his own time and being free since he's never been in a serious relationship.

 

All in all, if he loves you like he says all you can really do is trust him. Its up to you whether you can take it. You're better off talking to him about it and being straight up. Then you can figure out if the relationship is really worth it or not. . .