Need some advice badly...

[danman4968]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post as i just registered, and this site is already helping alot.

 

My girlfriend of 18 months broke up with me yesterday. She said that we fight too much, and shes tired of trying to work things out. I havent really been the best boyfriend i can to her, ive broken up with her b4 alot, and shes broken up with me alot...it was kind of an unstable relationship. It got to the point where she didnt talk to me for 4 days, and during those four days, she starts talking to her big sisters boyfriends little brother, shes been talking to him alot lately. and she thinks we should see other people. I bring her flowers, write her letters, i even wrote a poem for her. Im trying everything i can, but nothing is working, its just pushing her further away, she said first she needed space and i didnt give it to her, i pushed her to tell me if she wanted to be with me or not. because of this, i forced her decision and made her mad, and now she says shes positive we wont EVER be together again. I have sought help from her friends my friends everyone. she is making a bad decision because i really am trying my best for her, but i think i am sufficating her at the same time...she told me this morning that we shouldnt hang out any more, and next it will b no talking, thats how it always goes, little by little. I need to know wut to do next, ive done everything i can think of, god and google searching for answers are my last hopes. that is what brought me to this site. sorry for the typos and mixing of problems, im just really confused and hurt right now.

 

PLEASE give positive advice, i really need it.

 

Dan

[lunatic]

First I would like to welcome you to Enotalone.com.

 

The only advice to you is to give her the space she needs no matter how much it hurts. I know it is easier said than done but, trust me I have been there done that. You need to back off NOW and implement No Contact(NC from now on). That means no emails, no phone calls, no letters mailed to her, No nothing at all.

 

There was a disturbing trend in your post that I don't know if you realized it at the time you wrote it. That being said is that you have not mentioned YOU in that post at all. Everything was I did this for her or I did that for her. When you put NC in place you take control back that you lost due to the breakup and use it as a tool to heal yourself. Time to be selfish and only worry about YOU for now. Go out with your friends and family. Workout at a gym or volunteer your time somewhere like a local hospital.

 

Keep BUSY for the next few months and leave as little down time as possible. That is the time I find that I sulk and fall back a few step when I am sitting idle. Get up and do something whether it being working out, hiking, what ever you need to do so you can move on.

 

I know this is not what you asked for but, at this point I think it is your last choice. Respect her wishes and stop all contact. At the same time preserve your dignity by backing off NOW.

[photomo]

PLEASE give positive advice, i really need it.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, and it certainly wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, but you are going to have to accept that you cannot control someone else's feelings. You cannot force her to love you...and I'm only just beginning to realise this myself. If you keep on doing what you're doing now, you'll push her away forever.

 

Give her the space she needs, and give yourself time to calm down a bit, so that all the emotional confusion does not make things worse.

 

At the end of the day, if she's not happy with the relationship, she's not happy....and if you really loved her, you'd want her to be happy....and as ironic as it may be, you'll have to let her go so she can find the happiness she wants.

 

Take a step back from the relationship, start no contact, and see where things go....

 

I wish you luck (and welcome to enotalone!)

[danman4968]

this really sucks, because she promised me we would go to the mall and to dinner on valentines...i will try what u suggest, thank u for the advice

[lunatic]

Hey man no one ever said love was perfect or easy to get over. It sucks to have your insides ripped out and feel like that is a big part of you missing. You need to give her and yourself some time to adjust to being without each other.

 

I look at love and loss this way:

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all

or

Falling in love is easy but, trying to get along after the one you love leaves is not. Life is not fair sometimes and we all must just get used to it.

[nikkers04]

i agree give her what she asked for.,..I know its hard but leave her alone

Pretend you dropped of the face of the planet....Sooner or later she will realize that you haven't been calling and the tables will turn...She will start wondering where you have been what you have been doing and if she misses you she will call....(the step that i'm stuck on is MOVE ON) If she decides she wants you back later down the road...she isnt' going to care what you did in the mean time...go out have fun do things that you couldnt' do with her around!

[texasman123]

I agree. I was pretty hung up on my ex. It seemed things were getting better and might get back together, so I pushed a little bit. It made her really pull back and I though that things were probably over forever (a scary thought). But, I then moved on; never called her; and met someone else that I started to date and she has been calling me constantly and wanting to hang out, and wondering what I am doing. she has called or text'd me every other day for the last two weeks (even when I was away on business in vegas). I have no idea what the future will be, but just dropping off the face of the earth WORKS. TRUST US....even if she does not come back it will help you cope....

[danman4968]

ya but, i didnt mention that what i have with her is very special, we both lost our virginity to eachother, and its very hard to watch her go off with someone else wen we have that kind of bond...very hard

[NJRon]

Believe me... it's still hard long after the first one... it's hard everytime. Some are even harder than the first... most are a little easier, but still hard. But, sometimes, it's just the right thing to do.

[nikkers04]

I was with my ex for 4 years...we were engaged...he was my best friend all through high school and during college...which my sophmore year of college was when he broke it off. He was my first everything...My first love my best friend my fiance and I had to let him go...Its hard but there are others who are in your shoes...don't be selfish give her what she wants....trust us...You will mess up any chance you have if you dont' start somewhere...>WHAT you are doing ISNT" working try doing something different!!

[danman4968]

ok...so ive established NC at all...and she is trying to email me but i am keeping the replies to a minimum and i deleted her from IM...should i make her jealous??

[NJRon]

No... don't *make* her anything. Just look after yourself.

[danman4968]

ok...im starting to get very confused now...i dont know wut to do...yesterday she emailed me about past problems we used to argue about and got mad and said "ok w/e i dont give a f***" then last nite she calls me and says shes worried about me...i tell her i think its a good decision and im gonna get off the fone, and she starts crying and says how worried about me she is...i kept trying to tell her, im talking to sum1 else on the fone which made her jealous a little bit, and that i wanna get off, that she made a decision and i respect it...wut duz this mean, duz this mean she still cares, she says she didnt want to talk to this other guy, that she got off the fone with him to talk to me...wut is she thinking? i was laughing and acting happy on the fone telling her not to worry, but she was just like im so sad and worried, wut duz this mean??? do i keep NC or wut? because i dont want her to know that i am here for her and she can just bounce back to me whenever she wants to...im trying to make her think what u guys told me, that im just having a good time, and im trying to keep no contanct. im just wondering what to do next?

[lunatic]

NO CONTACT!!!!

 

It is that easy bro all you have to do with that is worry about you! Oh BTW I think it is a great idea to NOT let her know your down in the dumps over this whole mess. This way she cannot get some kind of gratification from it.

[danman4968]

ok...just very hard, because she says how she misses me, and i was on the other line, so i couldnt look at caller ID, she called 2 times, both times i told her i wanted to get off and that i was doing good, but she said how she misses me...im just scared that if she wants me back, if i treat her like i dont want her i may miss a chance to get her back?

[NJRon]

Don't think that anything short of her saying that she specifically want to give things another shot means anything at all. Her saying she misses you is just that. She is venting that she misses you. She may be trying to get a rise out of you to help soothe herself, but "I miss you" does not equal "I want to get back together".