my boyfriend is gay

[fairykiss]

hi everyone...it's been so long since i last visit this site... i just learn directly from my boyfriend that he is gay... he takes pleasure having sex with gay men... but he ask me to give him a chance... he is not happy with himself...he has been hiding his true color from everyone... and i feel responsible now...that he opened up and trust me... i know he feels alone...and that he needs understanding... but how long can i sacrifice for him...i do not know... we have had sex... but i really can sense that it's not as intimate as my previous boyfriend...i don't know what to do... he has been so good to me...he ask for a chance...and i don't want to drop him like a bomb...just because of it... what shall i do? i know i really care for him... i can't afford to hurt him. he want's to marry and have children with me... i want to help him...but i don't know how... please help me...

[Darketernal]

The only thing you need to drop is your guilt feeling for him being gay, as that is absolutely rediculous you have had no part in that, he was gay long before you met him. Just love him completely and ask him to go into a relationship that is satisfactory for him instead of denying his real feelings which is really damaging to you and him, break off the relationship and stay friends with him. And let you two be eachothers support thru out the rest of your life.

[fairykiss]

thanks...darketernal... i know it's kind of guilt feeling...but will i have to break up with him now? isn't it too soon? i just learn about it yesterday... he is still in denial with himself because while he loves having sex with gays... he is also attracted with women... i know it's kind of a ridiculous question....but if you are in his situation... would you like me to do the same? (break up with him?) he told me he wants to have a lifetime partner...and have children...he needs someone to take him as he is.... and im not sure if he wan'ts to come out in the open...they're family is so respected and him being like that is unthinkable... i couln't take it anymore...i wan't to tell this to my close friends and ask for advice but i don't want him to be embarrassed....i'm glad you're here to share your opinion....

[Dako]

Just finding out must be a shock for you. You must be very hurt and confused right now and need time to adjust to this news.

You may want to think carefully with your head, not heart, about life with a gay or bi husband.

Is being gay accepted in your country very well?

He may hope to have you as protection if being gay is a big obstacle in the Philippines.

 

I wish you the best, and maybe some more folks will offer help.

[renaissancewoman101]

Fairykiss, I can understand the dilemma you are in. You dont necessary have to break up with him, you just have to change the mindset in which you look at him as. And if you do decide to go the route and stay with him because he needs to cover up for his gayness, I can tell you that it is not an easy thing to do. I have been in your shoes and it has been a journey to hell and back. I love my first ex/best friend very much and I want to be a part of his life as long as he can, but being with him as a "girlfriend" because he didnt want people to know he was gay and then him having a boyfriend in secret, was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It was like I loved him but I could not have him. It was like watching someone else enjoy the stuff you wanted to enjoy with him. It kills the self-esteem and does a number on your emotions. It took me a long time to get over that situation and look at it now from an outside standpoint. Am I completely healed from it??? NO, I still have scars from it and it has come to haunt me in my current relationships. I can see also why he is afraid to come out. I am not sure how it is with Filipinos (I see you are from the Philippines), but with a lot of Asians, I think gayness is not well looked upon. I am Chinese and I know that gayness is looked down up by a lot of Chinese (not saying that is ALL Chinese people do that)

 

My first ex was gay although none of my friends or I had ANY idea in the beginning. My friends set me up with him in college and I fell hard for him. He was a cute, nice, cultured, outgoing, guy with a good sense of humor. We dated and became a couple. He was not really sexual and I took that as being he was shy. He did have some strange quirks about him but I ignored them. We dated for over two years and he asked me to stay out here and wait for him to graduate. The day after he graduated college, he told me that he was confused with his sexuality and that he could be attracted to guys. The day he told me that, I was devastated. I felt like the world had crashed around me and the sun had set forever. Plus, I was stuck out in Wisconsin and I didnt know what I was going to do. He didnt want me to leave him though, he saw me as the pillar he could lean on, that he could trust while he explored his sexuality. So, I stayed and waited to see what would come out of this. Part of me was even doubting that he could be gay, that this was just a phase he was going through. Fast forward a few months later. He met a Thai guy online and fell in love with him. That was when my rose colored glasses were brutally yanked from me. He was never coming back to me the way I wanted him to. He was gay and he found a bf. He was so different to his bf than he was ever to me. I found myself looking at them and smouldering with jealousy, wishing that he had been like that with me. Some days even wishing I had never met him. I wanted to never speak to him again, to walk out of his life. But that was not to be. He told me that he needed me, that he loved me like a sister, and that I was the only one who understood him emotionally. SO, I stayed. His bf hated me and did everything to try and get me to go. But my best friend stood his ground and insisted that I stay. So I did.

 

I would love to say that everything turned out great from there. It has been a roller coaster ride from hell and back. My first ex/best friend is still very close to me. He lives in Irvine with his bf and I constantly go and visit them. He still depends on me emotionally and I trust him completely because he has never really betrayed me. It has done a number on my dating life though. Since him, I have only found one close relationship, my current ex. My current ex could not deal with my attachment to my best friend and his attachment to me, and that had a hand in doing in THAT relationship.

 

If I had to live it over again, would I??? I am not sure. I love my best friend a lot and I plan to keep him in my life as a close friend, but there are times I wish that he had not been my first bf, since it has scarred me emotionally. That is one of the reasons why when I did move back to CA, I moved down to San Diego. I wanted to live somewhere AWAY from my best friend so that I could spread my wings and learn to live on my own, and find a new relationship without having my best friend's specter haunting it.

[BellaDonna]

I think the best thing to do is end your romantic/physical relationship with him, yet be his good friend and supprot him through this time.

 

If he is truly gay- you are short-changing yourself by staying and trying to force it to work out. You cannot change a person's sexuality.

 

If you stay in this relationship, you are likely going to feel insecure and start questioning your self-worth, if you believe he is not sexually attracted to you and prefers to be with a man.

 

You can protect your own heart if you end the sexual and romantic aspect, but remain a true friend to him.

 

Who knows, he may also be afraid to hurt you- so if you "break up" with him (as in ending the sexual part), it may be a relief to him, because then he can be true to his sexuality.

 

BellaDonna

[oh-so-qt]

From my experience and talking to my Phillipino friends (similar with Thai friends), gender bending, cross dressing and the like is accepted quite readily for the most part. Being gay does not mean that a guy doesn't still want to procreate - but what you have to ask yourself is if you are willing to share your partner. Likely, if he is gay, it will be unsatisfying at some point to be in a hetero relationship for both of you. It will open other doors for feeling guilt and shame - imagine what it will be like when you want a close physical relationship... what then? Can you sleep with other people? Can he? How is that going to make you feel?

Don't sell yourself short in having a true partner - one that can share everything with you - including a bed. His being gay is not your fault, and it's unfair of him to ask YOU to be in a relationship that will be unsatifying for YOU. It doesn't mean you can't be friends, but make sure your eyes are open to the long term challenges.