Believe her and continue on with life?

[Drefan]

My name is Jeremy, and I have been married to my wife for just about 4 years. We have a 2 wonderful children together. About 2 years into the marriage I lost my job, and became a "stay at home dad". Well, unfortunetely during this time I became hooked into an online video game, and completely messed up our marriage. At the end of the lease on the house we were renting, she told me she was moving into her own apartment and that I needed to move in with my mom or dad. That was completely fine with me, I had woken up from my video game dream world and realized that I had FAR more important things to take care of. We were separated (but still technically together) for about 3 weeks. During this time she got a cell-phone from her mother. She would act really shadey with me about it and wouldnt let me use it or look at it. I'm still not quite sure how it worked out, but I moved into her new apartment with her. Since I still didnt have a job, and she had gotten a temporary babysitter for the kids, I told her I wanted to drop her off at work so I could drive around and look for a job. When I dropped her off in the parking lot, she jumped out REALLY quick like she had seen someone she didnt want me to see her with, I didn't even think about it until I got home. I didnt question this, I trusted her, and loved her more than anything. Well, this past monday, she came home from work early, because of some training thing at her job. About an hour after she got home, a guy knocked on the door. She wouldnt answer it, and said she thought it was guy trying to sell magazines or something. Well, eventually I answered the door, and the guy said "hi, are you Jeremy? I need to talk to you, please step outside with me"

My heart sank. It was like I knew was coming, and I started shaking uncontrollably. He told me he had worked with her, and that he had been seeing her , but didnt know she had been married until recently, and wanted to let me know what was going on. He told me they had slept together, and that she had even gotten pregnant, but she aborted it in December.

After he left, I went inside the apartment to confront her about it, she acted shocked and said she had no idea what I was talking about. They guy had given his name as simply "Art", and she said that she had known an Art from where she worked, but that he only worked with her for about 2 weeks, and that he didnt last long at the job.

 

And then I make it worse?

I told her I had cheated on her, to try to get her to feel more comfortable about telling me about this guy. Keep in mind I was lying to her and have never cheated on my wife. She fell to the ground and started crying uncontrollably asking me how I could do that to her.

 

The next day, she came home during her lunchbreak and she called the local Plannedparenthood on speakerphone, and asked when the last abortion she had was. There was no record of her anywhere in the system. The only explanation for THAT though, is that she lied to this guy about being pregnant to either try to get rid of him, or to keep him.

 

I'm really skeptical about all of this, and I don't know if I should try to bandage things up in my marriage, or slowly try to ween myself out while I can. I'm only 22 years old and have much of my life left to live. I'm mostly worried about my kids.

 

I told my mom what had happened and she said I should believe my wife, and that it sounds like this guy from her work held a grudge of some sorts for some unrelated reason (or is it?).

 

I just need some input guys, I'm really bumming about this, and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Thank you so much for reading this.

[Ms Omaniac]

personally...i believe the guy. he sounds like he is trying to do the right thing. the same thing happened to a friend of mine. she was married to a cop. one day she got a phone call from another girl that said she had been dating/sleeping with him but he told her he was single. when she found out he was married...she was upset. but she was more upset for the wife because she felt like she should know what type of a scoundrel he was.

 

frankly...i dont trust her. i think you two are going to have serious issues if you dont see a therapist. and it's going to be very hard to trust her because she keeps lying.

just because she didnt get an abortion at planned parenthood doesnt mean she didnt get an abortion. that is not the only place in the world to get one. also...it would break confidentiality to let someone know if they had an abortion there.

you have to reallllly think if this is what you want. are you happy? do you have the potential to be happy with this person? can you trust her?

[Drefan]

There's more to the story to make me believe her though.

About 6 months ago, a girl that my best friend was seeing on the internet moved out here to Phoenix, and she was staying with another friend of ours. Well the girl she was roommates with caught her cheating on my best friend and she told me. Well, I told my friend and he broke it off with this girl really quick. This girl worked at the same company as my wife. My wife insists its some kind of revenge for exposing her. That she got a friend of hers to come over to our apartment to ruin our marriage.

[Ms Omaniac]

youre right...that is fishy.

i feel for you. i hate drama. i hate questioning everything. i hate the lying. you must be going through agony not knowing what to believe and im sorry for that.

if your wife is willing to try and work on things and you want that also...i STRONGLY suggest you two communicate more. it sounds like there has also been a huge breakdown in communication. she needs to voice her opinions and you do too. it will make you two much much closer.

good luck.

[Bethany]

Is there any way you could find out where this 'Art lives? I think if this man is lying that you have very good reason to visit him with your wife and find out the whole story.

Either way... I'm afraid you're going to have to trust your gut instinct on this one. We don't know if she's lying any more than you do at this time but your gut does. What does it tell you?

[Drefan]

That's just the thing. This affair supposetively happened in November/December, but she was home everyday right after work, never went out to her friends, etc. I dont know when she would have had time to do all of this. We weren't fighting, we were repairing our marriage to the fullest extent. When this all "happened" to go down, we were doing better I think than we had ever done. Unless she's been taking days off work (And I know she hasnt.. because I'm snoopy and check her work logs on the computer) she couldn't be cheating. I just wish I had HARD proof.

 

Thanks for your responses so far

Jeremy

[PrincessLinzay]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this.

 

Unfortunately, I would also have to say that I believe the guy over your wife. There would really be no reason for him to come up with a story like that, and I can't think of any situation in which someone would concoct such an elaborate tale because of a "grudge". He also knew your name, and she acted suspicious when he came to the door. If she had nothing to hide, she could easily have come outside and confronted him and you together, she was hiding out inside the apartment while you two "chit chatted"

 

From what you're saying, your wife's behavior certainly sounds suspect in the first place. I also wouldn't put too much stock in her calling Planned Parenthood.....1) Records in abortion clinics are confidential, and they don't generally share them over the phone 2) The abortion could have taken place at any number of clinics, that was one in a sea of many.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but it definitely sounds like there was a case of infidelity that would need to be addressed to salvage your marriage. Since she seems set on denying the whole thing, I would seriously consider what you want to take place.

[Drefan]

I don't know how to find out where this guy lives. I definetely have some more questions for him.

He knew when our lease was up in this apartment, he knew when we were going to have the DSL installed also. But my wife said she talked about that stuff to a lot of people at work (she works for a communications company).

[PrincessLinzay]

Do you know anyone at her work who you could ask? If not about the alleged affair, at least to find out how to get in touch with Art?

 

I still believe that if she had nothing to hide, she would have been willing to confront the two of you together. He awfully suddenly went from being a "magazine salesman" to a former co-worker He also seems to have known quite a lot for being a "casual acquaintance". Just my thoughts. You know your wife better than any of us, but it sounds as though you were already a little suspicious of her previous behaviors. Just something to marinate on.

[spunkykatt]

I have been on both sides of this situation, I have been the one cheating on my husband, and I have been the one cheated on. So I can say from past experiences I wouldnt put to much belief in what your wife said. The story she gave you doesnt connect, to say the least. Secondly if there was no truth to what "Art" said why would he take a chance and put himself in a dangerous situation like that. I mean when you go tell someone "hey Ive been sleeping with your wife/husband and got her pregnant" well you dont know how the other person is going to react. People have been killed over that kinda stuff. Also he knew way to much about your personal life to just be a accquaitance, and how long was he supposable working there....2 weeks. Come on, how much can you find out about co-workers in that short amount of time. As far as the abortion, well Planned Parenthood doesnt even require you to use your real name if you dont want to, so how can you put much validity in her calling them. The thing that raised the biggest RED FLAG for me is her behavoir when "Art" showed up, and that she didnt confront him right then if he was lying. I mean if someone said I was cheating with them to my bf or husband I would make it a point to confront them in front of my partner about their lies. I think you should try counseling if you want your marriage to work, and your wife needs to come clean and let you know exactly what went on, only then can you start the healing process and start to rebuild your trust. Hope this helps you, and good luck.

[Andy223]

"hi, are you Jeremy? I need to talk to you, please step outside with me"

I respect this guy for telling you what was going on between your wife and him. I expect he feels a bit guilty (i would if i was in his position) I also get the feeling that your wife is feeling guilty about it, which is a good thing.

 

Even though ur ordeal seems to come accross as being negative, i picked up on a lot of positive things... and i think you could work it out.

 

Confronting your wife and putting her in the spot light, made her put up her defences which is why she denied the affair.

 

telling ur wife that u cheated on her when u didnt was the wrong thing to do, but things like that happen in the heat of the moment. its not as bad as actually cheating on her. You said that she fell to the ground and started to cry... This is where i can see some positive things. The fact that she was crying is a good sign, cos it shows that she still cares for you. If she walked out of the house angry at you, then it would be different.

 

there is no conclusive evidence that she did cheat on you... you can not be sure of this unless your wife tells you she did. At the end of the day your kids are the most important things... so is your marriage, but not as important.

 

In my honest opinion, i think you can bandage things up, but the only way you are going to be able to, is to be completely honest with her... on every subject... this will help bring more trust into ur relationship. If you are honest with her about something... she will be honest with you, simple.

 

the best option is for both of you to sort things out... give it one last try... not just for the kids sake but for both of you.

[ocrob]

Wow, that is such a tough situation. I guess you need to decide that if your wife cheated, then can you forgive her and move on. If she cheated and is lying, then there is definitely a problem there. Now, if she is telling the truth, then she is being put in a terrible situation. Maybe you can talk to her and tell her that you understand things were really bad at that point and understand, if she did cheat. See if you can get her to admit to the situation. I don't know why a guy would lie about this, but at the same time, don't know why he would go and tell you. I am guessing that if they did have an affair, then she dumped him and he was trying to get back at her. Since you have two kids, it may be worth trying to work things out. I am sure that is hard to do when you can't trust someone. Good luck bro.

[Drefan]

I told her that if she did cheat, that she should tell me so we could try to work things out, but that if she is holding it back from me, and lying about it, then that would only make things worse, because now I can't trust a thing she does. And then comes in the third variable, the guy might have lied to get back at us about another friend of ours we exposed cheating.

 

I am branching towards the Occam's Razor (Simplest Explanation, is probably the correct one).

Either way, I'm planning on moving in with my mother for a while until I can figure things out; be it get counciling, divorce, or find another way to mend our once good relationship.

I would like to thank all of you for all of your help, suggestions, support, etc.

Even those of you who havent responded to the thread, if you ever have a situation like this.

 

Jeremy

[Drefan]

Well, an update on my situation is: I stupidly went back to her for like 2 weeks, (didnt do anything stupid with her) mainly because I wanted to see my kids, found her secret email address, found the holy grail of "yep she's cheating with everyone she can find"

Divorce is next week, I'm trying to be civil, i have all the emails printed in case she tries anything.

I'm hurt, but least mine (and everyone heres) suspicions are confirmed.

She finally admitted to cheating on me in October a few times, with 2 different guys, none of them "Art" - she still insists that guy was a friend of one of the other guys etc

anyway, im going to bed, or gonna try.

*cry*

 

Jeremy

[kerure]

Dear Jeremy,

 

this is a very tough situation, no doubt about it. My heart, as well as others, I should imagine, goes out to you. This can not be a nice place to be. To every dark cloud however, there's a silver linning. There's light on the other side, my friend. You're only 22 (not meant in any patronising manner) you've got your whole life ahead of you and two wonderful kids. I'm sure your wife thinks she had her reasons for doing whatever she did, but I am such an astute believer of THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT NO MATTER WHAT!!!.

 

By all means, cry, be sad, mourn the end of your marriage, miss your wife, as you're bound to do for a while... but smile to yourself once in a while, fully assured that this is a passing phase and you'll someday be ridiculously happy with someone else. It may be early days yet but please do not make the same mistake as many guys in your shoes as well as my ex. Do not carry the past with you everywehere you go. Make a conscious effort in that department. Not every woman will cheat on you and not every woman will cause you pain.

 

I wish you a smooth divorce and speedy recovery from all of these.

 

All the best.

[Drefan]

Thanks,

 

I think the worst part about this is the fact that I keep seeing her as the woman who seemed to love me more than anything for years up until about a year ago. I think about all the rediculously good times we had, I think about how much I was (and still am unfortunately) in love with her. I never really knew that your heart ~literally~ hurts after its broken, I thought that was just a metaphor. I am a really nice guy, I even told her that I gained more respect for telling me what she did, and when, although I think she says she only did it in October because that was the month we were living apart. I believe it happened after too, which would really disgust me, since she came home every day and acted normal. If that's the case, then she really is two-faced or has some problems I don't need to deal with. She did it in October, never told me, although I suspected, and then she bragged about it to other guys in her emails. I think the total of guys she talked about/had sexual relations with was about 5. In the back of my mind I keep thinking "was I not good enough for her?" and the real answer is "She wasn't good enough for me."

 

Jeremy