Blaming yourself

[romanticlover]

Hello everyone, I figured I would start a new topic. Many of you are familiar with my current situation. My gf wanting her space due to pressure, feeling smothered, etc. As I have written, she is enjoying her time by going out, talking to ex's, etc etc and not probably not thinking of me or working on our relationship. Anyways, I feel like blaming part of this on myself as many of us do when we break up. What did I do, how did I do it, etc etc...Well I am taking some of the blame because of many of the things we have been through in the past and now as a couple. Because of my outward ability to show emotions more than the average guy, because of me always giving from the heart, doing cute things, thoughtful things, I alwasy expected more from her. She told me she could never, would never be like me and I just had to deal with it. It's not like she never did anything sweet for me, but many times I would do something and she would forhet to thank me, mention it, etc. I guess she got so used to me being so good and thoughtful to her, she overlooked everything and felt that if I did those things less, they would be more meaningful to her. I guess she was used to guys not nearly being as sweet and giving as I was. She even told me that. I thought she would love and admire that, but instead it drove her away and made her feel smothered. Our main issues in the relationship were her not feeling like she could be herself because she felt like she could never meet or live up to my expectaions romantically, emotionally and sexually. I guess because at times I would ask her KINDLY to be a bit more expressive. The catch is that I had to go with her mood swings. I'm not in the sexual mood, let me get back into it. This could take weeks. She would show no remorse or compassion for me, but hust base everything on her not feeling in the mood. Meanwhile I was doing sweet things for her, being there for her, etc etc. I really laid off after it became an issue. I felt liek I was changing who I was which goes against what most people say, but I also felt that I needed to change certain things to make the relationship work and for her to be happy.

I have been reading some self help books and many of them mention that you should never expect anything in return and that you should give out of love. Loving someone is based on not what they give, but for who they are. After reading these types of things, I started to put more blame on myself. If I only showed her love in a different way, if I didn't think buying her things, being so emotional, etc would make her love me more. I was starting to think that by me doing all of this, it was showing her the wrong kind of love. Keep in mind I also showed her love in many other ways as well, but I kept focusing on the materialistic things. I thought this was normal in a relationship, but maybe not. She used to tell me that she didn't NEED all of the attention, gifts, etc etc to make her happy. Are there women that do like that kind of stuff? I mean I would do the sweetest things. Some small and some a bit more. I guess because sh ewas more of a colder non emotional person, I felt like I had to give twice as much to make her happy. This is where I started blaming myself for this mess. But then I start to think, maybe it was her this time and I really don't deserve to be treated in such a way. This girl does have many issues in her life and I don't know many people that would put up with it, but I did cause I loved her.

I am really trying to decide which direction to go here. Do I be compassionate and a loving spirit and just be very accepting about this and just be loving and friendly to her? I mean we did share a lot together. Or do I focus on my hurt, anger, betrayal and just try to shut her out of my life as she has done to me. Anytime someone needs space, it's for their own selfish needs I think. Ans it's not like she is working on how to make our relationship better, she is going out having fun, talking to ex's etc.....

So do I blame myself for this? I'm sure she isn't because I feel like I am the one that drove her away.

[kellbell]

Hey there...

 

No, you are not entirely to blame in this...she brought issues into this relationship as well. I have been following your posts for quite some time and I believe you two were not compatible....in any aspect of your relationship.

 

That's good that you are reading up on things and reflecting on what you could have done different. But it is pointless to beat yourself over the mistakes you made in this relationship...you were with the wrong woman... a woman whom you were not compatible with. The advantage you have here is that you have realized the error of your ways...learn from them and not repeat them in a future relationship. We make mistakes in relationships all the time...the key is NOT to keep repeating them. Also, the key is to with someone whom is going to work with your mistakes and get through them, that is where compatibility comes into play.

 

Plus I remember your post the other day about your ex and her MySpace jive and she sounds incredibly immature...not worth beating yourself over some one like her. Right now...I would focus on you, work through some of your issues and become comfortable in your own skin. Someone whom is compatible with you will surely come your way. Take care and all the best to you.

[sukerbut]

listen my friiend..I have had wars in my head for the first three months as to how i should feel for her..no doubt in my mind my love is deep for her and i will never stop loving her, BUT she hurt me..she bamboozled me..made me feel special, made me feel comfortable in a situation that realistickly was not meant to be she used my generosity and love for her own selfishness.when she was in love with me she was warm loving and caring .. when she got bored and did not want to be in a mature realtionship she pulled away..used the same excuses..oh you are too loving..you know thats not me..oh but wait to months ago you were all over me and now i a some clingy needy guy!! NAH MAN! those are just cheap excuses. she sais she tried but at the end had to run for the hills..becasue in her own words...RIGHT NOW ITS ALL ABOUT ME! We were rejexcted...we loved , we gave our all...and in return what did we receive..a free pass to this websight that i am still posting on, while they are out there laughing having fun and courrting other men...AND YOU want to be friendly with this person...NO WAY man. I think about her daily.(i love her for who she was with me, but i doint care to be friendly with a stranger casue thats what she is to me right now!) .i dont even think she thinks about me once a week...i sit here and worry if she is ok..does she do that for me!! hell no..The answer is easy my friend...If some one hurt your mother or father emotionally and they were your best friend...would you still want to be friends with them..??? I know i would not. Simple answer...You like being on this website daily crying to strangers and looking for there opinion..would you be here if it was not for her ripping your heart out..i think its a simple solution.

[sukerbut]

If you beat her, cheated on her, or verbally abused her..then yes the answer is its your fault, but if you loved her unconditionalyy and gave her your all..she is the one that is the loser..YOU DID ABSOLUTLY NOTHING WRONG!! NOTHING! so stop killing yourself over this. thats the end of the story.

[Dako]

It's good to reflect on what went wrong, but assigning blame after a breakup can be an endless loop. Part of healing is accepting that it's over and moving on. Dwelling in the past can become just wallowing in self pity. A little goes a long way.

[Relationship Coach]

RL,

 

You shouldn't blame yourself for anything. You gave her everything out of love and from your heart, there is nothing wrong with that. Just because she couldn't appreciate you or the things that you did for her don't let that change who you are! Your next relationship would be a lie if you were to try a be something different than who you are. Even now you are being too good to her by shouldering this blame. Like KELLBELL, I too am very familiar with your relationship. The only mistake I see was you fell for the wrong woman. Put out you hand and let me SLAP it! Stop beating yourself up over this, she is obviously crushed too, NOT!

 

Get back out there and find the one who wants you to take her breath away with your thoughtful and romantic gestures, NOT someone who will have you walking on egg shells and waiting for the green light so you can be passionate with her. The least practical gift you could ever buy your ex would be a mood ring, she would swear it was broken. Go find yourself a sweet heart.

 

RC

[sukerbut]

yeah rc ripping it again...people that do not know how to accept love or feel smothered by it..will have a long and lonely road ahead of them..sad and lonely road!

[romanticlover]

Thanks all. Sukerbut, I'll be even happier when my arms get as big as yours lol. Anyways, I see your points guys. I am giving till valentines day to set the date to free myself of this mess. Changing myspace stuff, and just moving on. Believe it or not, last friday, a client came into see me for an appointment. i had heard from one of her friends, also a client, said that when we first met she was really into me. Well when I saw her friday, we were flirting, etc etc and she seemed cool. Well we exchanged numbers. I called her saturday night to say hi. I didn't hear from her till today. She said she was away all weekend and left her phone in a friends car and thought she lost it. Well she called and said she wanted to hang out and talk. Usually I base my initial attraction on the fact if I am drooling over her or not and this girl I wasn't. She definitely was attractive, but didn't make me go wow. But she seemed cool. You know what they say, one door closes another opens. I am going to just be myself, take it slow and try to form a friendship first and get to know her. I am not ready yet as I am still healing.

I thank you all and your support. I could not do this without all of you guys. I am getting stronger every day thanks to you guys.

[romanticlover]

As I am reading over these posts, I am planning the big attack. I am waiting till a few days to see if I do not hear from her in a sincere way, then I am wondering if I should write her an email explaining my feelings. Half of me wants to just give it to her and go off on her and the other half wants me to be all sweet, i miss u, etc. This will definitely give me closure and help me move on, but I still have those lost hopes. Believe it or not, I am afraid I will make her upset by writing something negative. You believe this, I am still worried about her feelings when she don't give a crap about mine. Should I write the letter or just move on in my own spiritual way?

[Dako]

Don't expect to get "closure" by telling her off or begging. Real closure takes a long time. Look out for your own feelings by mentally dropping the past and moving on. I know it's hard, but it'll start your recovery more than anything else.

[romanticlover]

Ok so instead of writing a letter to her, I feel liek telling her valentines day is off. I am sure in her head she is clear that nothing is going to happpen, but I feel for me it will accomplish something. Or should I just assume it is over with her and just cancel. See the thing is with me, I need some type of closure from my end to start to move on. Kind of like accomplishing a goal of some sort. I feel liek telling her what I got her just to rub it in.

[romanticlover]

God I just listened to that song "ordinary people" by john legend and it broke me down. Just made me want to dedicate it to her. I'm surprised I haven't been sitting here listening to depressing love songs cause that is the worst. I really hate this feeling of emptiness and not knowing what she is feeling.

[romanticlover]

About this valentines day thing, such a part of me wants to send her her gift, a day at the spa to relax, just because she was a special part of my heart and because I feel like she deserves it, but then part of me says she doesn't deserve it and what she did was just wrong. I have these 2 sided feelings. Part of me is so loving and forgiving and that is my weakness, then the other half says screw that and be strong, firm and decisive. Should I send it or not? Do I cherish her and show her my love and respect or do I tell myself she doesn't deserve it. This hurts so much.....

[romanticlover]

Seems as if I am the only one replying to my posts now. Anyways, what should I do? I am dying over here not knowing what she is thinking and I really need to know. Do I email her, wait a few more days? Write her a goodbye letter? What? She still has pics of me up and says she is in a relationship with me on myspace. I just really need to know where to go from here. My emotions are all over the place and I am confused. HELP..

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

So what exactly happened in your break-up or was there a break-up? Did she initiate it?

[sukerbut]

listen dude..i dont know were you live but i am coming over there to smack some sense intoyou....kell bell it does not matter what happened..what do you think happened..another evil woman broke a good man's heart..lol i am kidding .. no seriously though..i told you i thought about going that rout..you do those nice things to people that love you and want to be with you...she's gone bro.. i had the same celebration for mine in oct..after she broke up with me..(we were supposed to be casual lovers and i was going to win her love back..lol ) one if by land two if by sea..then i was going to get her a massage the next day..you know what that would of accomplished..0!!! i would still be in hte same situation minus 500 dollars..and her saying .. why this loser just wants to keep giving after i have walked all over him..your call i know its hard..do what you want..but its best to cut ties and start moving on my friend. you dont give up on people you truly love! i guarantee you ! the outside temptations for them were more important than our love...remmember that..you want to romance her..meanwhile she will be going to the bathroom to be checking her phone to see if that dude she picked up at the bar and slept with last night is calling her...DONT BE THAT GUY! (i know i am going a bit extreme here but the only reason they dont want to be with us is to see what better options are out there in the gene pool..that why i broke up with my g/f's)

[romanticlover]

Kell, you can check out my other posts to see what has happened over the last month. Suker, whan can you get my arms as big as yours? lol. I hear you suker, I wish I had the strength like you. As you know it's hard. I am just too nice a guy I guess. Don't get me wrong, she was great in some respects and really showed me love, but I just need to have some closure so I can move on in my heart and mind. Whether it's her saying, YES we are over and that's it or something to that nature. She is still on her space kick meanwhile going out to party evey night, messaging other people on myspace, talking to her ex boyfriend, etc etc....It really hurts and is hard to give the cold shoulder u know? I feel liek she deserves for me 2 b nice to her, but the only prob I have is when we se eachother and we both get that rush that brought us back together. I am a real emotional expressicce guy and I love to pour out my heart and let my feelings be known. Sometimes it's hard for me to see the true colors of someone. I guess that's what 13 years of catholic school did. I am more of a kind forgiver than a strong warrior I guess. Then I think, what will pouring my heart out AGAIN do? Get me rejected again? Her friend told me give her her space and she will come around. BUt what doesn't make sense is how can she go live her life and be selfish and not even call me, or send me a sign of her thoughts about us? This is why I feel like I need closure so I can move on. IS it over between us, bla bla bla...OR do I assume it's over and start healing? But like I said, it's very hard for me to move on withour a solid talk or some form of communication from her or else I will be wondering every day.

[sukerbut]

you do nothing..you call her and tell her..listen you vampire (whatever her name is) valentines day is cancelled i cant make it..no aplogies no nothing..just listen to me..and thats it..dont tell her you are not going to talk to her becasue it hurts..i did that ..bad move.. then the hard part..you detach yourself from her..no more im'ing no more conversations..if she wants you she will go out of her way to get you back...believe you me..that the only way my man...whats your fear..that she will be gone from your life..she's already gone..youve already lost her..again i ask you..did you ever mistreat this girl..hit or verbally abuse? if you have not then there is nothing more to do! you loved her..she wantrs to go out there and screw other guys..while she has the shmuck at home waitng by the phone to be her emotional safety net when brad or chad finish up with her, drop her like dead weight and she runs to you! I hope this is all registering because ihave been both the victim and the assailant. good luck and we will be here...man you dont think thi is tough for me..i am here righting all this advice but i am hurting inside man..4 motnhs now and i am still bleading profusly, but i have composed myself ..i realized it is what it is..i put my seat belt on and cant wate for this bumpy ride to end. she broke my heart 2 times. i had just put in the last white picket in the fence and she came with a bulldozer and tore my dreams and future apart in one swoop.

[sukerbut]

no you ar enot too nicve..you are a wounded animal right now..you are hurting and you want your happiness now..you knwo the next coupe of months are going to be a tortouros hell.and you are trying everything in your power to gain that happiness back..its not about you being nice..its about you being hurt! problem is she is not happy any more and she wants out..we still want in!

[sukerbut]

one last thing and then i have to go to work...dont listen to anyone on this sight...listen to yourself..this a collective sensus to help you make your descision..the only thing we can offer is past experiences..and as you see the majority of the people here are scathed and hurt..and propbaly have done everything you are about to do..not to say your results wil be diffrent cause they might be, but the odds are against you...i will never ever go back with soem one that breaks up with me..never! i will never chase a woman in my life ever agian..and i will never ever demorolize myself to some one liek i did with ther..and it was not even that bad..i treated you well, i loved you, i gave you my all..you dont want it..thats now my problem to deal with it..i dont need to convince to love me back..END OF STORY..I know its easier said than done..but you keep direspecting yourself liek that to her..what do you think she is going to look at when she see's you..a pathetick fool in love..om got to go and make some $$$

[gratefulpain]

sukerbut nailed it....first of we know what youre going through....we all been there, so we understand your bouncing everywhere emotionaly... you have this fantasy about winning her back and live happily ever after.....

 

Think about this..... If you walk on someone ,, you kind of expect them to say "screw you" and never look back... but if they dont you loose respect for them.... and planted in the back of their head they know they can do it again.... so say you do get back she knows she has a longer leash,,, then you'll kick yourself...for being a fool again.....maybe maybe not..... i dont want to steer you wrong... jsut been there.....

 

Some times the best action is no action...I wouldnt play games thye usually backfire atleast for me.... I would NC for awhile, if she asks tell her youre taking some quiet time for a bit to sort things out and work on yourself...

But Nc is wothless if you constantly communicate either online of text whatever or check up on her .. drive by... ask a friend.... NC means you swithc the entie focus to you and your healing....

[kellbell]

Romatic,

 

Sorry about my last post. Just got to work with no caffine yet. LOL Now I have some coffee, all better now.

 

OK...I looked over some of your last threads and I am with the others on this one. She does not want a relationship with you. And this is the second time she has done this to you. Whose to say to say that she won't do it over and over again? That can get so emotionally draining. It is not fair to you at all.

 

"Meanwhile she doesn't call me, text me, etc etc and needs to keep far away from me I guess, but she can message her friends, go out and party, etc etc. How can she care for me yet go have fun with others????"

As far the MySpace stuff...I would not take that to heart. Go by someone's actions and not his or her words. Her actions are speaking loudly here.

 

I know this hurts a lot. You sound like an great guy with a lot to offer. I think you are better off focusing on you and what you need. Heal from this. I would not do anything for her on V-day or send any letters or emails. And as hard it seems, I would stay away from her MySpace page. Take it one day at a time and let time work its magic. And you have us to vent to, talk to also. We are here for you. ***hugs***

[romanticlover]

Thanks everyone. I am off to a new job interview. I am not to happy where I am working so I am looking at my options. I am not making a move, just looking. Also, One of my clients called me yesterday and I didn't expect her to call me. We exchanged numbers last week. She was away and lost her phone but found it lol. She said she wants to hang out Friday night. She seemed pretty cool, and obviously interested in me. Well at least one of her friends told me. I am trying to look at this as something positive, but I also am going to take this slow and just be a friend to this girls right now.

As far as the other stuff goes, should I email her just letting her know vday is off? Or I should just wait till that day and if she doesn't call, etc, just start the journey forward? I am too much of a respectable guy. I just feel its polite to say to her, listen it's off. But then again, she probably already thinks that in her head. I guess I have issues with closure. I have had many experiences in my life that didn't have closure and were very emotional to me, so I guess that is why I always need to be assured, closure and someone that has no problems with expressing the way they feel towards me. I know I need to stop looking at her myspace page. As for mine? Do I change my info, change status to single, take down her pics? Maybe if I do that she will start to question. Thanks again everyone. I love you all for your help.

[sukerbut]

i cant help but i want to help becasue we are almost in the same situation and i realte..as for teh closure..oh man this is the hardest thing to handle especially when you did thinkgs right...i know believe e i know..closure comes within,,there is nothing she will tell you first of all that will be the truth..she will tell you everything that come to mind to shoo you away..i was never told as to why we broke up, just that she did not want to be in this any more...timing is very important in relationships..she either a) got bored and did not want to eb i this relationship, b) decided she would rather hang out with other guys instead of you because she got bored and c) the realtionship started getting to intense for her and she diceided its best to move on because being in a responsible adult relationship takes alot of time and hard work...i looked for that closure and finally the third month i broke down and asked what happeneed..she gave me a million and one excuses, thenshe assured me that hse would never i her life go out with e again..we were just not compatible (whatever thatss a bunch of crap as well, becasue when she was into me i was the only thing in her life that was good..in a matter of 2 months i went from being her most favorite person to being the scum of the earth.) dude you cant make sense of it..something happened and she turned the switch to the off position..another guy, maybe outside influence form family and friends, bottom line is she will never tell you teh truth...personally every time my switch turned off with an ex .. was becasue there was another woman involved...your questions will never be answered..i wrestled daily in ymhead nad sometiems still do, but i stopped putting the blame on myself..its a relationship..we all make mistakes..when she left me on the side of the road i forgave her..so stop the battle royal going on in your head...you must also try to stop caring for her, she does not care about you..if she did she would not be playing you like a violin. compose yourself..get ready for the pain, call her and tell her i cant make the arrangements .. thats it..dont wait for her not to call..call her today ..tell her something has come up and you will not be spending that day with her and go strict NC! its the only and best move you can do right now...

[romanticlover]

Ok, it's going to be hard but It has to be done. I am very nervous about this. I might feel more comfortable emailing her about this, not sure. Maybe I should not even call her to tell her it's off. I do kinda want to rub it in about what i got her. I already paid for it, but am tempted to use the spa treat for myself. Part of me just wants to move on with NC, and part of me wants to tell her, look I have done everything I could, but you are showing no signs of interest and this whole vd thing is off. This is so emotionally draining it isn't funny. Maybe I should just wait a few more days till I am ready and build up enough strength and courage.