whats happened to me?

[chinacrystal]

this is my second marriage and its abusive in every way, I sit here now with a black eye, and yet I feel ashamed to admit I miss him. How can I feel I love this man when everything he does is abusive to me. I use to be a strong black female with everything positive going on in my life, since I have met and married this man I have lost everything, I have achieved in my life, my beautiful home, my cars, my zest for life, my childrens respect, I have nothing now, but tears and feelings of total lonelyness. I know I have to leave him, he beat me in front of his family and now they're all upset with me for calling the police and the ambulance. They are making me feel quilty. I wonder why and it hurts so much. He says hes sorry yet he made no attempt to find out how I am doing. the police has a warrant out for his arrest, he ran when I called them. So far they have not caught him, He hasn't called or been home since this has happened its now 4 days. All his clothes are here and the police tell me I cannot throw them out of the house. I know he needs his clothes yet he is making no attempt to get them. I know I have a big mouth at times yet is this any reason for me to get hurt the way I am. I am a stay at home wife and have no income but his, I don't know how I am going to keep my phone, lights or any food in my home and this scares me silly. Yet I know he will hurt me again, this is only the beginning. Then why am I missing him and wanting to know we can make it. Valentines day is our annivarsary and its coming up soon, What do i do? why do I feel so alone and stupid, what do I do? I am tired I am not a dumb woman, but right now I feel like the whole world is against me for just saying I am tired of lying about my abuse. Help

[smartnfun]

You are not dumb, you are a survivor, you stay cause you are surviving, I used to be in an abusive relationship, which took away the most precious thing I had, loving myself, I left him and it was not a difficult, it sounds crazy, but one day I woke up on my way to school and decided that I had had enough. I am currently in therapy because I lost my self esteem, my confidence and zest for life. Looking back I wish I had left earlier, we were not married and I do not have any children, so I know it may be a little more difficult for you, but there are many resources especially more for mothers you can call the domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233 and they can refer you to a local organization in your area. I know that you feel like you can still make it work, but abusive men do not change, because the problem is from deep within them, they may one day stop hitting you when they are in prison, but they will always be abusive. I think that it was very courageous of you to call the police, and do not worry about what his family thinks they are just as bad as he is knowing that he abuses you and they do not do anything about it. Speak to someone, it will help, I was abused for two years, sexually, mentally and physically and I never told anyone and all because I was afraid of what people would think of me, and I also did not want to accept myself as a victim. But I discovered the hard way that no matter how much you suppress what you are feeling it has a way of sneaking up on you, for me it happened five years later, last year I just started to get very depressed and did not know why and that is when I finally decided to speak out about my abuse, it is slowly helping you just do not feel better overnight, but the sooner you start, the sooner you will feel better. I know you are not stupid and you never will be, just because someone preyed on you that does not mean that you did anything wrong. Please take a step towards getting some help, physical abuse goes way deep into your mind and you have to be there for your children and let them know that this is not the way to treat anyone. If I can overcome it you too can, I was so depressed I tried to kill myself because I thought it was the only way out, I never thought that there would be a day that would come that I would be free of the psycho but the day came and I grabbed it by the horns and today I try to live day by day. I have good days and bad days, I own my own business, ,so that means I have to work 10 times harder and there are days I wake up too depressed to do anything. My biggest fear is of course I will fall for another abuser, so I have not dated for a while, and this are some of the things I try to overcome so the struggle will be there but at least when you are away from the abuser you will have a lot more to look forward too, like getting a job, your first paycheck, which you can accomplish. I know that you can and please call the help line, it's 24 hours.

[Itsok]

He beat you infront of his family and they are making you feel guilty about it? Do you really want to be part of a sick, twisted family like that?

 

Absolutely not. There's no reason for you to live in terror and there's no reason to have the feeling of lonliness in your soul at all times.

 

You don't need him, you don't need this kind of life. You are a stay at home person...you can get a job.

 

What you need to do is this:

1. Get a restraining order and fast before he returns.

2. Phone a woman's shelter/abuse hotline and let them help you find a job and counseling. Do this ASAP. There's no reason for you to feel that you can't get a job.

3. Understand that what you are feeling is completely normal and it will pass. Things will be hard for a while but soon you'll be on the right track again.

 

You CAN do it!

[BarbaraJ1980]

Hello China,

 

I am very sorry for the abuse you have had to endure from a person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I can tell by your post he has broken your esteem down and made you feel like you cannot do this on your own. You can.

 

link removed

 

I found the link above on this board. Please read it and realize that none of what has happened is your fault. The only thing you are guilty of is being a caring and loving person. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I left my abusive relationship 3 days ago. I went down to the courthouse while the adrenaline was still pumping and filed my restraining order. It was very hard to stand in front of the judge but I stood my ground. I let myself and my kids well being motivate me. I followed the police to my house and watched as they made him pack his stuff and walk out the door. Then I breathed my first sigh of relief. When I sat my daughter down and explained to her that daddy was going to be living away from us because we had things to work out and we had to be apart to do it she hugged me and thanked me. Talk about breaking your heart. =-*(

 

His family should not have been angry with you for defending yourself and calling the police. You deserve a huge hug and pat on the back for standing up for what you deserve. Hugs, kind words, love and respect. You are worth it. I am so proud of you and know that everyone here is as well.

 

You said you were worried about making ends meet without him. Do you have any local groups who can assit you? Maybe a local hotline or shetler may be able to help you with programs that can help you until you are ready to move to the next phase and able to support the family? I am sorry I'm not of more assistance in this area.

 

Good luck to you and please stay strong. Do NOT allow him back into your life when he begs and pleads and promises to change. With a restraining order there are many different levels you can use to keep him away. On our form, there are 14 different options. Go with the strongest first. Then, if you feel comfortable, work your way down IF and only IF you see that will work depending on your particular situation you may have to keep the strongest one in place. In my case I plan to lower it if he attends counseling so he is able to visit with his kids, at least. That is the only way I will allow him to come back into their lifes. I will not allow him to teach them that his behavoir is healthy.

 

I am here if you need me. =-)

 

Barb