I don't want to do it anymore...

[lulu04]

Hi everyone. I'm having a really hard time making it through each day, and each day the suicidal thoughts get more and more prevalent. I really don't feel like I care what happens to me anymore.

 

My fiance of 6 yrs left me 6 months ago with a letter. He was doing coke behind my back for about 9 months, I guess. Since the breakup, he has been in and out of my life, sometimes being cruel, sometimes being normal and telling me he wants to come home -- then he'll drop off the face of the earth again. This last blow has hurt the worst -- he told me he wanted to come home & I was the love of his life & he would do anything to get me back. then 2 weeks later I meet up with him to talk (i think we are going to try and work things out) & he tells me after an hour of talking that he has started dating a woman who is trying to stay clean & that she "understands" him & that things are so "light and easy" with her and with me they are always so "hard."

 

I feel like everything is my fault now, that I made him leave me, that I made him do coke because I was depressed and he wasn't happy with me (not nearly like I am now, but still...i did cry a lot). I have no idea what I'm doing with my life -- my degree is in theatre, have had no desire to pursue it, I am only interested in artistic things & don't want some desk / office job....but that makes life nearly impossible. I don't know how to make it work. I take classes, learning guitar, going to therapy, going out, tried to date and that fell apart too, I don't know what else to do. I have no hope. I feel I have no will to make any major changes, either (like going back to school, or whatever). He was the absolute love of my life. I feel like I have nothing to live for, really. I don't care what happens to me & I don't see anything positive in my future. I don't believe I will meet someone better because all I see are people struggling to meet others & having no luck. I used to be one of those people who was so in love -- we had the love everyone wanted to have, I thought we were great -- and I thought, well at least if nothing else, I have this true love.

 

Now he is with someone else and I am totally alone and I only want him. He has slept with 5 people since leaving me 6 months ago (that I know of, could be more). I can't understand. I can barely even function. Now I feel like he is great, cooking, going to movies with her -- all of the things that I miss so deeply. It's killing me.

 

I don't want to go on. I don't want to kill myself because of my dad, I know he loves me. But it isn't enough anymore. my future to me looks like years of waiting tables and coming home alone. I can't eat properly, I don't want to do anything anymore. It's just a huge mess and all I can think of is what I had, how much regret I have that I wasn't good enough, and how I would give anything to fix it but now he won't let me.

 

please help me I just can't go on.

[Outcast-Angel]

oh sweetheart, i know you're hurting. and you might not believe it right now, but you just really don't need a guy like that in your life. i mean, he was lieing to you. he does drugs. and he's been sleepng around.

i think you just need to reconnect with who you are. not half of a couple, one whole, beautiful, smart, caring woman. someone who has her life in front of her, and nothing to stop her from doing whatever you want to do in your life. please hang in there, talk to us. vent about whatever you need to. ask as many questions as are rolling around in your mind. and just remember that we wish you well, and hope you talk to us.

[lulu04]

I just can't think of any reason to keep living. I don't care anymore. I ruined everything, I ruined the relationship that I loved, I lost my love. I have nothing to look forward to, I don't even know what I want to do with my life anyway, I haven't ever known. I'm totally, completely lost. And he is doing better than ever, probably in love and so glad to be away from me. I don't even feel like me anymore -- I feel like a shell of a person, I feel like I can't even believe this is my life.

 

I know no one will ever love me like he did. I don't know when he stopped, or why he keeps saying he wants to come home and then changing his mind. I'm so wrecked. What is wrong with me? I know it's pathetic to feel like this, but it isn't just that he's gone -- it's that he is gone, I have no career, no money, nothing to look forward to -- no one to cook with, no one to go to movies with, kiss, love....i can't believe this is real. Time has not helped me, i have been getting worse and worse...maybe because he keeps saying he will come home and never does. i think all i do is bring sadness to people & I should just get out of this world now.

[Outcast-Angel]

why did you say that you ruined it? you didn't give him the coke, and you certainly didn't make him take it. he did it behind your back because he knew that you wouldn't like it, because you love him, and you don't want him to get hurt. the fact that you love him so deeply even though he's made mistakes shows that you are a very loyal person, and i admire that.

as for your career, you can build one for yourself. and with that will come money, and a stable financial future. i'm not saying that things will be better right away. anyone who promises that is a liar. but it can get better, you just need to take baby steps. give yourself something to look foreward to. start planing a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go. make one night a week your girls' night out.

and if just giving yourself time hasn't healed at all, maybe try talking to a psychologist. you seem to feel guilty about the way things turned out, and you definitely shouldn't, as far as i can see.

[becallamjr]

Don't give up on yourself. Remember he chose to do the drugs, so when he talks to you, you may think your talking to the man you loved, but in reality your talking to someone you don't even know. It's the hardest thing in the world when you lose the person you love the most. But, it is not a good enough reason to take your life. You will find love again. Love hits us when we least expect it. You need to focus on finding out who you truly are. Quit blaming yourself for his selfish acts. I understand why you are so loyal to him and why even after all things he did to wrong you, you still love him. You need to move on, NC immediately. That means that when he contacts you that you have as little of communication with him as possible. You may as well lose all hope that you two will ever be together again and why would you want a junkie? He is not the man you loved, he is a junkie. You are better than that. You said it yourself your father loves you. Would you ever kill your father? I know the answer is no, but if you take your life, you may as well go stab him in the heart right now! I totally agree with Outcast-Angel, that you need to plan things that you can look forward to. You need to get your mind on positive things versus sitting around thinking of only the negative. A broken heart can never be fixed only mended. It's time to begin the healing process and remember ONE DAY AT A TIME. That is the key.

[arwen]

Sweetie, this man was not RIGHT for you. How can you think he's better off with this woman than you are by yourself? He sounds seriously messed up and you should be happy that he's gone. Come on girl, you have to pull yourself together now. Start out by cleaning your house. This will help to clear the mind as well. Start by one room, take a rest, and buy a plant or bunch of flowers for every room that you clean. Open your windows, let the air come in, and treat yourself with a luxureous tea. Those are very simple things, but they are hard to do when you feel unworthy of them. And it's the latter I think is the matter with you. You feel like you don't deserve to be happy, which is probably why you are having such a hard time moving on from him.

 

I think everyday you can build towards healing. It's not something that will happen over night. It takes a lot of 'babysteps'. But the good thing is that a lot of those steps are quite practical, and you can take them yourself. If you're not eating well, your body starts craving and you mind will be blurred even more. I bought a blender machine when I couldn't eat and mixed fruit with cereal and yoghurt into a smoothie. Those saved my life. By not eating well, you're just keeping yourself from feeling well overall. You are NOT alone, girl. You can come here anytime to vent, we won't get bored with your story, and your welcome to ask for advice.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[lulu04]

Thank you guys. I feel desperate, I really need this place right now. I can't talk to anyone else about these feelings. My mom & sister have actually stopped contacting me because they say they can't "deal" with me this way. My dad is the only one I have, and I can't be burdening him every single day with the same old stuff.

 

I guess I feel like it was my fault that he was unhappy, so then he started using coke. And I feel like now he seems very happy with this other woman & supposedly isn't using anymore with her -- in his mind, she has turned everything around for him even though I would have been there to help him through anything if he had let me. But he says he had "no choice" but to leave me the way he did. I was weak last night and I sent him a text. He replied this a.m. that I should call him today, but I know I shouldn't. I just want to beg him to come home -- i want him to WANT to come home & since he doesn't I just feel like, what is wrong with ME?? why doesn't he want me? why isn't this hard for him? i am getting worse as time goes on, not better.

 

I don't know what happened to me. I never used to be like this. I used to be tough when I was in school. Now I just feel like everything in my life has been a failure thus far & I am overwhelmed by the emptiness of my future. I don't know what to do next -- i should go to school maybe, but for what?? I don't know how to proceed and every day goes by, I make no progress, i just try to survive & then I just feel worse because nothing has changed. Nothing ever will. I just want to be done now.

 

ilse, you give such great advice. I've been wanting to redecorate my apt, but it's like everything else -- i just don't care. I can't make myself do anything. My mind says "what difference will that make?" I'd rather just stay in bed, even though I know if i could get up the motivation, i would feel better. It doesn't work, I can't do anything right now. i don't know what to do anymore. I want things to be like they were, i can't be happy like this i just don't know how after what i used to have.

[lulu04]

i want to call him so badly and ask him to please just come home. I feel like I will have regret for the rest of my life if i lose him forever. should i call him and talk to him? i'm so alone, i don't know what to do. i don't want to continue living like this, i can't.

[Darketernal]

The problem is that you take the blame for all of this, you regret this and that even when you are nothing to blame for, because you commited yourself entirely to him, it was his choice to use drugs and to leave you. Also you should have shown that you can live a life independently of anyone, you see you should never have gone into a relationship expecting things to work out, just because it concerns your case, reality is that a guy can pack his bags and leave anyday. Love has to go both ways , and in your case it was a one way road coming from his side, his actions speak louder then words , he lied to you and left with another woman, another drug user. My dear lulu rest assured that he isn't commited to this woman, he comitted himself to drugs.

 

You took the blame because he lured you into believing that it was all your fault, making you feel like * * * * when he says how 'great' this other woman is. While in fact i doubt she even half as much loves this guy as you do, Lulu you are living a lie. Its been so horrible because he is empty and has no love to give you, only cold ,misery,lies and bitterness.

 

Your not alone, you have us for whatever that is worth for you, lean on us during this difficult period of your life, he is moving on with his life, i suggest you do the same. You don't deserve to pull yourself thru this hell of self blame and accusations , there are many more wonderfull guys out there which all at least deserve one chance, even tho you only want him you must come back to reality to understand that you don't want to be with a liar, and a cheater. You need to find yourself a partner for whom you are nr.1 in life. He made you feel like a failure , reality is that you decide yourself wether you are a failure or a winner in life. Winners believe in themselves, and i assure you you deserve better then this self torment. Or a guy who claims he went on drugs because you didn't make him happy, he was blaming his own selfcreated problems on YOU!, this is why you get the sensation of being the cause of all the problems while in FACT it was all his own fault. I advice you to be tough once again, and move on with your life, forget about him, its clearly a dead end road that the two of you have stumbled upon, maby years later you will find this drug addict on your door again, saying how much he loves you, and never loved anyone but you, but you have to refuse him and say that he only loves drugs, and that he cheated with you on another woman, and that you want to have nothing to do with him anymore, the faster you drop him like a brick the sooner you'll be able to recover.

 

You may always love him in your heart, but replace this ex bf with a new bf, and move on with your life.

[lulu04]

I can't find a new bf. i can't find comfort in anything, especially not in myself. i want to end it tonight, right now. i need this all to be over. i hate how much pain i am in. i have no one to call right now to save me. i have nothing. i want to die.

[Outcast-Angel]

whoa, lulu, hang on for a minute. take a deep breath. you don't need to find a new bf right away. you need to redefine yourself, find out who you are in this chapter of your life. because that's what this is hon, just the beginning. please don't end your life. there are all sorts of suicide and crisis lines you can call, pretty much no matter where you are. grab the phone book and look one up in your area. think about your dad, and how much he'd miss you. how much your mom and sister miss the happy you. i know life seems desperate and flate, and stale and a million other things right now. but remember good times with your friends and family. those good times can start happening again, no matter how dark your world seems right now. just keep talking to us, we're here for you.

[lulu04]

i just can't find pleasure in anything anymore. i tried to go out tonight with friends, and i can't focus, i don't care about anything. i don't care what happens to me, i just wish i didn't have to be here. my future is empty -- i don't know what i'm doing with my life and i hate my life so much right now. i feel like i'll never amount to anything. i feel so rejected and i feel like i screwed up the best thing i ever had. he cooked for me, took care of me, said sweet things to me. then left. it must have been my fault. now he is doing all of those things with someone else, who he is so fond of that he will probably marry. how can he replace me so quickly??? how??? i don't understand. i tried to date someone a while ago and all it did was reaffirm how much more he meant to me, how much more compatible we were. i am alone & although i don't want another bf right now, i know that i will never find someone again. where will i ? in a bar? no. there is no one. no one cares about what happens to me. i don't either anymore. every day gets harder, every day feels worse to me because it's just another empty day. there is absolutely no reason for me to be alive.

[Outcast-Angel]

sweetheart, he left you because his current girl lets him do drugs. he picked up a bad habbit, and got sucked into it, and the lifestyle that goes with it which means that he lost the best thing in his life, you. you can get your life back on it's feet, you just need to take a few moments, think about what you enjoy doing, and persue it. i know taking that first step to feeling better is hard, but it's worth it. there will always be guys for you to date later on, when you feel ready. i know you feel like your ex was the only one that you want to be with, etc, but i think that the person you're missing is who he was. he's not the same person you loved. he's changed, and i'm not sure that you'd like who he is now. so take it slow. there is reason for you to live, people care about you, and you effect their lives whether you realise it or not. i'm sure someone looks up to you, even if they've never said it, or you haven't noticed it. think of all the lives you'll touch just by being who you are; think of how if you were gone, there'd be an empty spot in the hearts of everyone who knows you. you're not alone, people do love you, and care about you. please stay with us.

[lulu04]

Is anybody else as lost as I am? Sometimes I feel like I am more screwed up than anyone, even the ex. I am such a mess. I had a better week last week, but I don't know why. Then it's valentines day and I feel so horrible and hopeless.

 

I am lost in every area of my life. I have no self-esteem to get myself back on my feet. I miss my ex incredibly, unbearably, and I keep allowing him to disrespect me, i don't know why. It's so hard for me to understand how the person who I felt the most secure with could hurt me so much, over and over again.

I want him back. I want security. I want to feel love. Why do I feel like he is the one who can help me? why do I keep talking to him and wanting to call?? I just cannot let go, i have nothing else in my life. I realize that I am totally codependent. But when you have nothing else, how do you break that? I just miss my old life too much.

 

I have a lump in my throat every day that is huge, and an aching in my chest. I can't stand it anymore. I see my future as totally empty, and continuing to spiral down. I don't know how to stop it. I know that no one else would ever want someone like me. I'm a waitress, for god's sake.

 

Does anyone else feel like they don't know what they are doing or are unhappy with their career, AND their love life AND everything else?

 

Please help I just want to end it, I want all of my failures to be erased and never have to feel this pain again.