What do I do?

[dogheadma]

I have been seeing someone for 3 mos. and thing got very serious very quickly. We made an agreement early on to be physically exclusive and spend Wed. eves. and weekends together. The problem is every Mon eve. without fail when I speak to her on the phone she acts like she really couldn't care less to be hearing from me. This is the next day after spending a very loving, fun, sexual weekend together. She has been doing this every week and I feel really pushed away and I don't want to continue being treated in this manner. When we first met she was very aggresive in pursuing me and I reciprocated because I was interested and didn't want to play games. When I did this she started to act like she was being smothered so I backed off a little bit. I get a lot of mixed messages. Back and forth. Push and pull. I really love our sex life a lot but and so does she but she is very sexually demanding and whenever we part ways she always tends to make me feel like there's something wrong. I was believing that this was the real deal but she is showing me that she does not have the ability to love me in a manner that is consistent or respectful. I have been in this type of relationship once before and I know it is not what I want. The question I have is this: what would be the best way for me to break it off? I want to be respectful and nice about it but I don't know if the best way to do that would be by phone or in person or is it appropriate to just stop contact without an explanation since I feel like she dosen't really have or isn't capable of having much consideration for my feelings anyway and we have only been together 3 mos. She obviously has issues to work through but I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can do about it. What would be the best way to handle ending this in the most respecful manner possible? Any help is greatly appreciated!

[DN]

Just tell her that the relationship isn't working for you and you think it would be better if you did not see each other again.

 

But make sure you are not breaking up with her hoping she will ask why and will then try to get you back by behaving in a way that you want. If that is the case you should talk about the issues you have with her directly.

[dogheadma]

If she could change her behavior, I would stay, but I'm afraid of becoming too invested in a lost cause. I want her, but I don't want to try and fix her. She is who she is. I am who I am. We have told each other that we love each other and we want it to go long term, but she's showing me signs that I don't feel comftorable with or good about. She asked me if I would like to take a vacation with her to New York and I was all for it. We booked the trip and now I'm trying to plan it out and she dosen't want to participate. She says she'll leave it all up to me. I expected her to be excited and take an interest, but she dosen't. Too many mixed messages and I don't know how to explain that to her or if I should even have to. If I end it, is it appropriate to do so over the phone?

[DN]

No - it's not. Unless you think with good reason that she might be violent.

[Tigris]

Just tell her that you are not happy and the relationship is not working for you.

 

Good luck and take care.

[dogheadma]

I don't know, she might get violent. She is, after all, not very emotionally stable. She did tell me before that if I ever cheated she would kill me. She sounded pretty serious when she said it.

[Itsok]

Yet another reason to get the heck out of this one. If you are worried she'll freak out and get violent, tell her in a public setting. Sounds rude, but it will work rather than have her lose her cool and hit you or something like that.

[DN]

i agree about the public place to tell her - if you really think she might get violent then a phone call would be ok.

[Lady Bugg]

She'll KILL you if you ever cheated?? Good lord...RUN don't walk....leave skid marks......this one sounds crazzAAAYYY..LOL

[dogheadma]

There's always the possibility. We had a fight last week about her Mon. night behavior and it she told me that it was over. I asked if we could say goodbye to each other in person. She said no. I emailed her and asked for her address so I could send her the money I owed her for the trip and she called me back at my desk, sobbing, saying she couldn't believe I would leave her a message like that. I said you said it was over and didn't want to talk to me again. She said, No I didn't. So I talked with her the next day and we seemed to resolve everything. This Mon. she did the same exact thing. I'm over it. I would like to do it over the phone, but she is a very sweet and sensitive girl and I don't want to be a bastard. I also don't want to put myself in harms way. I'm really not sure what would be right.

[Lady Bugg]

You wouldn't be a "bastard' if you didn't break up with her in person..if you in fact are concerned she'll flip out. She sounds very up and down..that sort of behavior ishard to deal with..and it also sounds like SHE wants to be the one

to determine the "ending".

[DN]

Sweet and sensitive girls are not violent! If she is one thing one day and one another, I would break up with her so that you are sure of your safety and hers.

[dogheadma]

We usually see each other on Wed nights and talk on the phone everyday/night. When I call her tonight, she probably won't answer because she knows that I'm probably not happy with the way she acted last night. When I leave a message, should I say "We need to talk" or should I say that when I talk to her on the phone next time, or should I wait to say that when I see her next time, which I plan on being at her house, where she lives with a lady and her daughter, so we wouldn't be alone. What would be best?

[DN]

Don't leave a message saying we need to talk. Just say you will call her back.

[spunkykatt]

I agree, you shouldnt leave that kind of message, simply because if she is like you say, she will dwell on what the meaning behind that statement is, and more than likely will become irrational before you speak to her again. I would tell her over the phone the next you talk to her that you wasnt interested in persusing a relationship with her any longer, but that you might possibly could remain friends. I would also tell her that you would like to met for a formal goodbye if she is willing. That way you are giving her the option for a meeting and you arent a "bastard" for breaking it off on the phone.

[dogheadma]

I spoke with her on the phone last night and I decided that I would try to discuss the issue one last time. I explained that I was tired of being in love every weekend and being pushed away every mon. I pointed out the specific behaviors last mon. that had made me feel that way. She tried to deny, avoid, and change the subject on everything I had to say. I told her that people in relationships talk it out when they have a problem with something and that's what I was trying to do because I cared about her and the relationship and I wanted it to work out. She just cried a lot and agreed that we should talk about it but she said she didn't understand what the problem was. I was very clear and straightforward and honest about it. She finally, while sobbing, said she needed to end the conversation for now and call me back later. I said ok and left my house to go get food. When I came back, there was a message on my cell phone and she said, "I'm calling you back because I said I would but I'm going to sleep now and I don't want to talk about this anymore. Sorry. Goodbye." So that's all I need to know, I guess. I am going to end it but I need a few days to myself first. If she calls before I am ready to talk, I will not answer and I'm sure that will upset her more, but at this point I don't want to be involved anymore. When I do call, I will ask for a meeting so we I can tell her in person that it isn't working out. I'm pretty sure she will refuse my request and possibly not even return my call. If that turns out to be the case, I will just let it go. Does this sound like the proper way to handle it?

[DN]

If she won't talk then I think the best thing to do is to write and tell her that you are ending it and why. Just letting it go is not a good way to end it - because you haven't really ended it.