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UPDATE - got together with ex yesterday...

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HI Everyone, ... here is an update on my situation... A little over a week ago my ex broke up with me. He said he needed time to figure his life out and he could not be in a relationship with me or anyone. He has a very complicated life, with elements he can't control providing stress in his life. He told me he didn't want to lose me, wants to keep getting to know me etc.


I tried NC for a few days, but broke it. We had plans to go out of town yesterday for a concert and we ended up going.


Before we went I had a complete breakdown, i was so nervous I made myself sick... literally. We had an hour drive to get there... at first we just talked about stuff not related to us and things were fine. Then he puts on a coldplay song that talks about making choices in life and the uncertainty of knowing if your making the right decision. This changed my mood.


We ended up having a good time at the concert, we went out for dinner after and thats where things fell apart in a way.


I asked him how it was so easy for him to turn off his feelings. I asked him if he was being honest when he told me 3 weeks ago that he believed we met for a reason and had something between us he wanted to dig deeper and see what happens...


His response:

I ment everything I said and did. I just cannot be in a relationship with you or anyone else... I need to figure life out and it's not far to keep a relationship going when I can't give 100 %.


My Response:

If you can turn your feelings off so quickly than you never had feelings.


His Response:

You keep making your own assumptions. You only hear what you want to hear and then you make your own assumptions, thats not fair. You don't know what I am thinking or feeling...


My Response:

What do you want from me? what do you expect?


His Response:

You to be yourself, be honest and just be yourself.... Then I got BLASTED for implementing NC!!! He said that it was unfair to talk to me everyday/text/e-mail/see each other and then all of a sudden i just stop everything...


My Response:

MAD ... very MAD...


His Response:

he said that he's just living life one day at a time and that he can't act on his feelings because he needs to figure life out and that if we have true feelings they will always be there... then he says... when I get my life in order one of 2 things will happen... I'll come after you and you have moved on and then I know I screwed up, or you'll be here still feeling for me and we will go from there.


My Response:

So you want me to move on and meet someone else?


His Response:

NO. Of course not... but I can't control if you meet someone and you like them better than me.


Bottom line - we left off in the same place or worse than we started... I got some answers I wanted but with those answers came more questions.


Now I don't know if I should go back to NC or what....


He is so confident he made the right choice, and I am left here crying.

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It sounds like a really complicated situation.


He must be going through a lot right now but at the same time, you were in that relationship too and even if he was going through a difficult time, leaving you in the dark just like that will obviously make you confused.


He doesn't feel the need to explain to you either- and he does have a right to his privacy. However, I think if he's serious about giving it a break he should not expect you to keep in contact when it's difficult for you and he's not even shedding full light on whats going on.


Let him know how you feel, let him know about how you feel about not knowing how he feels. Maybe that will help him open up?

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my advise to you (I just told my ex my feelings and I thought it went well) is to say something to the effect (which is hopefully true!) that you love him and his him, but you are focusing on getting used to a life without him and essentially moving on, and that you are respecting his wishes and giving him "space"... and that you are staying as busy and active as possible to keep your mind off of things. Also, I told my ex that I have been talking with many people about my situation and it has made me feel a lot better ( I did not say I was on an internet forum!). I finished the conversation by saying that I didnt appreciate the way the relationship was ended and I still have a lot of questions, but that I understood that I was most likely not going to get any answers.


anyway, after I told my ex that I felt way better, I didnt sound needy or pressuring, and it was the truth. Plus, I think it made her realize that I was willing to and am picking up the pieces of my life and moving on. I havent contacted her in 5 or so days and its great, although I have responded to her calls and emails... which I am just fading out now. I find that, as long as I am not contacting her, I can cope much better and it does make me feel a bit better when we talk if she contacted me.


Good luck. Also, my ex has contacted me once every other day for the last week (basically when I stopped contacting her) and it hasnt been to get back together, but just that she misses me. It is taking some serious mental focus to not get my hopes up, because I know that she just misses me, and that she doesnt want to be with me.

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I needed to hear that. I am not going to try to get back together - a very wise person has made me realise that he needs time to figure things out on his own and in the meantime I should keep in touch but only if I have positive things to say to him.


Yesterday we texted a few times and it was good. I miss him to death but I know things are different now.

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