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My roommate turned boyfriend after 4mos/6mos/8mos (neither of us can put a date to it – and he pushes it out further than I do), and I are having huge problems after being together/living together (he's been "staying" with me for 9mos while he does renovations on his house) for just over a year. I've become what I never thought I would be – the insecure and jealous girlfriend. Never before in any of my relationships (or marriage), has anyone ever accused me of these things. All of a sudden I realize, with him I AM. Here's why I think this is effecting me the way that it is; first, he's a porn junky and doesn't make any bones about it – and I really didn't have a problem about it before… we'd watch together (though that stopped because it was only ever girls/women on display type porn – not couples kinda stuff), I'd do all the dress-up stuff that he liked so much & at the time I thought was fun, and sex has always been great. Secondly, whenever we go anywhere he ogles other women (I mean the whole head spin and checking out the * * * business), and when he tries to contain himself it just looks pathetic (his eyeballs can only move so far in his head). He's not the most affectionate person (certainly no PDAs of any kind), but I have seen him hug & kiss his female friends (and even the neighbour of 3mos) and I am finding it very difficult to take. To go along with the lack of physical affection, he NEVER talks about his emotions towards me or anything relatively certain about the future. When I have talked to him about it before, he tells me I'm being ridiculous and over sensitive. He always says he loves me, and I certainly believe that he does – the above is only one aspect of our relationship. Here's the kicker – I am a very attractive (not being stuck up – but really I am: 5'2, 115lbs, 34x23x34, long dark hair and green eyes with olive complexion), reasonably successful, interesting and passionate woman. Recently, I have become over critical of myself – obsessing about my weight and measurements and perkiness of my breasts – and worse yet, critical of other attractive women to a point of meanness. My boyfriend hates this obsessing, lack of confidence and display of low self-esteem and calls me on it when I say something to him about these other women (usually the one he's eyeballing). I have started having anxiety attacks when I go out with him in case I say something that gives away my awkwardness and pain. I know that part of this is that I feel I'm getting old (though I'm only 30 – but the clock IS ticking away), and I try to tell myself that I need to get over it – he's only looking – but I just CAN'T. He's young for what I usually date (he's 30), and maybe it's partially his lack of emotional/relationship experience. It makes me feel TERRIBLE and I can't turn it off! It's killing our relationship – he's moved out a week ago to give each other space (this isn't the only issue we're having but the others are, I believe, easier to overcome). We've agreed that we should talk about it when we both calm down. I'm not calm – I can't seem to get over it. Please advise.

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You shouldn't have to get over the fact that he's "only" look at these other women. Looking is bad enough, and it's highly disrespectful. How would your BF like it if you oogled other men in public? If this is already affecting your self esteem and your BF thinks YOU are the one who should change, perhaps you should find a new BF.

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