Reality is such a cruel thing...

[photomo]

Today marks 4 weeks of NC, and although I feel like I am making progress, reality has made me breakdown back to beginning. I know I'm only feeling like this because it is a Monday...and Mondays are when I have my Spanish lesson. The problem is my Spanish lesson is at the school where my ex works, and it hurts whenever I go there. I know I could always quit, but I want to be strong and not let these feelings dictate how I should live my life. So I'm writing this post just to get these feelings off my chest, and make me feel better. Afterall, a problem shared is a problem halved.

 

I was with my ex for 6 years. She's Spanish, I'm English. We met in the most romantic way, and our relationship was always so special. However, after the second year, things started to go down hill, yet we managed to stay together, albeit a slightly deprived sex life due to her losing interest. We've both lived with each others' parents in the UK and Spain, and always been part of each others' family. In March last year, she told me she wasn't sure whether she loved me, completely out of the blue. She said it was because she didn't really feel special or loved, and wasn't attracted to me anymore.

 

We kept seeing each other, and I tried correcting my mistakes....and in September we got back together for a couple of weeks. I thought things were going to be better than ever. I had finished university, got myself a job, and was receiving a great income....and so I wanted to treat her, take her out, break from routine, and pay her the attention that I couldn't whilst I was studying for my exams. Towards the end of September, she went back to Spain for 10 days, whilst I had to work. I remember I was so excited for her to come back....but when I picked her up from the airport on her return, she said she had such a good time in Spain that she didn't miss me, and that she didn't love me anymore. I was heartbroken. I never had the chance to do the things I planned.

 

I took the breakup far more seriously this time, and time has helped me realise where we went wrong, and that there was never really a problem with me, as she always suggested, but with her feelings towards me.

 

It's been 4 months since we broke up for the second time, and 4 weeks of NC. I still feel immensely upset, and feel really lost. We had so many plans for the future, and now they have all been destroyed. I'm taking each day as it comes and cannot see where I'll be, emotionally, in the coming months. I still want to live in Spain and live our dreams without her, but I feel that I'd only be doing that to relive my memories of her....yet I also feel that if I don't live my dreams, she'd be stealing my dreams and dictating how I live my life.

 

One of my mates shares a house with her, and I have been talking to him today. His blunt comments have really put a knife in my heart:

 

"from what I can tell, she has absolutely no regrets whatsoever and is getting on with her life, there is nothing that's going to change that, she's not going to wake up one day and think "s***, how have I coped without xxx for all this time, I want him back""

 

"Even if she does come to realise it was a mistake (which at least at the moment seems very unlikely indeed) she still won't come back"

 

"put it this way, if I just met xxx, I would not even have realised she had had a boyfriend recently"

 

 

 

It makes me wonder whether she's putting on a brave front, or whether she's having the time of her life without me, completely forgetting about my existence. How can she slam the door on me like this and be so selfish? I really thought we were meant to be together. I know I shouldn't really believe what my friend writes, and only she knows how she really feels.....but surely her actions speak louder than words?

 

 

On our last evening together, I wrote her a letter saying that I'd not move on until the end of March, thus giving her 6 months to get her head straight. I told her not to contact me at all unless she knew she loved me, and that if she didn't call by the end of March, I'd move on without her. I also mentioned that if I hear nothing, I'd come over to pick up my stuff, return her stuff and say one last goodbye....

 

However, I'm not sure if I could cope saying goodbye like that. Besides, it's not me who is saying goodbye, it is her. I think I should get a mate to pick up my gear...although I'm not sure whether I should write a letter for him to deliver, or just say nothing. I'm also not sure whether I should actually wait until the end of March, or just get it over and done with now. I'd appreciate your comments on this.

 

I really want her back as I feel we are meant to be together....and I stupidly hold onto this little bit of hope that makes me believe that she'll realise of her loss and come back to me. I know it's wrong for me to think like this, but I feel like it is the only thing I have left of her, and I like the feeling, despite it hurting me so much. I am so scared of letting go and never seeing her again. We used to be in so much love, and my feelings for her have never decreased.

 

In May, our mutual friends are getting married, and we have both been invited to the wedding. The wedding will be in her home town in Spain. I'm dead set on attending the wedding, even if she'll be there, because I don't want to change my plans all because of her; I want to be strong and prove to myself (and her) that I don't need her. I will also use the opportunity to say hello to her family, as they have always treated me like a son, and I don't want to lose them as friends just because their daughter has left me. The main problem I have here is that I am really unsure of how I should react if I see her there. I know I'll feel like a rabbit in headlight beams when I see her....but should I initiate conversation with her or wait for her to talk to me first? Or perhaps ignore her completely? Should I be nice and sympathetic, or should I show her my anger/sadness? Or should I just treat her like a stranger? I know it's a little early to be planning how I should react, seeing as the wedding is 3 months away, but I feel that this will probably be the next time I see her, so I want to get it just right, and not cause a scene at the wedding!

 

I apologise for the long post...I just needed to write my thoughts down as it feels like I am getting them out of my mind.

 

If anyone could offer any advice or support, it would be greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance for spending your time on me.

[DN]

I think the message from your friend about her attitude should be taken seriously. Sorry for your hurt but I really think you should assume the relationship is over. It will take you some time to heal from this, because you obviously loved her very much. but the sooner you start, the sooner you will be healed.

 

I think you should consider very carefully the wisdom of attending that wedding. Don't confuse your motivations for wanting to go.

[Darketernal]

Well if i where you id apply 'there are many fish in the sea' , the babes in spain are absolutely gorgeous and i can convince you that she isn't the only one who has that 'spanish' amour flowing thru her blood vessels. You know these kind of girls have their arrows 'set' on certain things they want to achieve in life as well

 

towards the partner they want to be with. At least she has been honest with you, and we men tend to stick in a rut and self pity for even months, i want you to move on with your life like she has done ,and set your arrows on your goals and the things you want to achieve in life. Push yourself forward , and out of this mess. There's so many girls out there and these kind of things you need to throw in the gutter and live life to enjoy yourselves. You need to be supportive of yourself and remember that a relationship is to give eachother love and make eachothers lives more happy. Love has got to go both ways, now that its become a one sided street what are you waiting for in your life? You realise the power is in your hands , nothings gonna change if you won't make it happen. So make it happen, goto spain if you like get yourself a new love, and make the most of what you got left of your life.

[yme]

photomo

 

As DN says, you must really assume that your relationship is over. It might not be what you want to hear, right now, but for as long as you think of your past, it will hold you back from getting on with your present and future.

 

It would also help to pay heed to what your friend, her housemate, says. As an outsider looking in, I would say that the third person messages from her are quite final.

 

You mention the letter you wrote, telling her not to contact you unless it was to admit that she was in love with you. That is a final ultimatum for her, but it does leave you on tenterhooks, doesn't it? Every time the telephone rings, the postman calls or your IM and email notifiers sound, you will be hoping it is her. That does not release you one iota. If anything you have created an excuse for yourself to hold on to something that you no longer have.

 

And, even if she were to tell you that she would give you another chance, wouldn't you feel, deep down inside of yourself, that she is only doing it out of sympathy for your present plight? Would you want that? Would you really try to impose your will on her so as to stop her from finding her own happiness?

 

6 years is a long time. During those 6 years you probably both had some good times. It is that person you were, during the good times, that she loved. Isn't it better that you let her go with only good memories of the times you shared, rather than leave her thinking that she is well rid of you because you became clinging and pathetic in your desires to prolong a love that she no longer feels?

 

You are master of your own universe, but you are relinquishing control to somebody that doesn't want it. So, take it back, for your own self esteem and welfare.

 

You have learned (as you have written) that you are capable of changing to please a woman's desires. What you must try to learn is how to redirect those valuable lessons to somebody who will return your love.

 

None of these things are easy, but they are not impossible. Take what you have learned from this relationship on your journey through life, they will serve you and your future partner well. You must, however, prepare yourself for another partner. You need never stop loving your ex, just give up any ideas of sharing that love in any physical way; from now on you must love your memories of her.

 

If you decide to attend the wedding of your mutual friends you need to show her that you are nothing like the puppy dog in the toilet roll adverts. Better to be more like the man in the chocolate adverts. The one that braves all dangers to leave that box of 'magic' on the bedside table. It could possibly, resurrect her feelings for you. Even if it doesn't, there may be other guests at that wedding who might be interested.

 

You state that you have just graduated (well done). That took self sacrifice and applied commitment. You must now apply that same self discipline to getting yourself back into the mainstream of life. Go to places where you will not be left to brood about the past: before you know it you will be making fresh plans for your future.

 

This might seem like words of counsel from one who means well, but has no real clue, and I don't blame you for thinking that. I was once where you are now; not very long ago, either. At first I couldn't see how this kind of advice could help, because it didn't address the problem. Until, one day it struck me. My problem was that I didn't want to let go of the past. And then I started to live for the moment. Carpe Diem. When you can start doing that, the future starts to take care of itself. Please, for your own good, let go of your past, start living for the moment and let kismet take care of the rest.

 

You will find love again. Ask many of the posters on this site. And, if I can manage it at 55 (nearly) I am positive that you can do it in your early twenties. Good luck to you. I hope you can heal yourself soon and let your yesterdays live in the past, not your present and future.

[spunkykatt]

Ok there is a saying that goes like this "Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened"....and "Maybe God wants us to meet a few of the wrong people before meeting the right one, so when we meet that person we will know how to be greatful". I know that what you are going through is hard, and it may seem like its not fair, or right...but all things happen for a reason, and even though you may not now what that reason is now, I am sure someday you will be greatful that this happened, and you will be a better, and stronger person for it. Now, as far as you waiting till March, why? Are you not just prolonging your hurt? How can you begin to heal if you are still waiting for her to come back...and you cant continue to on that path because it will break your spirit and heart over and over. You have greived long enough for this relationship and now its time to let it rest, and you go on with your life, and not let this destroy you. There is a thousand things I could tell you as to why hanging on is not the best thing, but ultimately you have to move on for yourself and know that life will not end over this, but is merely beginning. I hope you find peace with it.

[photomo]

Love has got to go both ways, now that its become a one sided street what are you waiting for in your life?

 

Darketernal: Many thanks for your post. You have given me the optimism that I needed, and I have had a good day today. You are right, love has got to work both ways, so why should I be dragging this pain out any longer. I know it's easy for me to think and say this...it's just going to take me time to sink in, and although I've had a good day today, I'm sure this rollercoaster will take a few more dips before it comes to an end.

 

 

Would you really try to impose your will on her so as to stop her from finding her own happiness?

 

yme: Thank you very much for writing such a long and informative reply. I agree with everything you say, and you have made me realise of some things that I have never thought of. I do not want to prevent her from finding her own happiness....no matter what happens, I want her to be happy in life...and if that happiness is not with me, then I'm just going to have to bite my lip and somehow accept it. One of the reasons for me to initiate NC was to prevent me from trying to force her to love me, and to prevent myself from pushing her away. I do not want her to end up hating me, so NC is the best thing for me to do right now. Maybe sometime in the future, once the pain has gone, and once I have forgiven her for treating me so badly, I can come to terms with it, and maybe keep her as a friend. However, I'll need to find my confidence and happiness again before I'll be able to do this.

 

You need never stop loving your ex, just give up any ideas of sharing that love in any physical way; from now on you must love your memories of her.

 

This is something that really made me happy. For months I have been trying to stop loving her, and could never understand how I couldn't turn off my feelings for her. I have been trying to fight myself over my feelings for her. Maybe I'll never stop loving her, and your comment has made me realise of this. However, you're right, I need to accept that it will probably never be physical again. It doesn't mean I can't stop loving the memories. Afterall, it's better to have been in love, than not at all. It's just hard to stop thinking about her, seeing as I have thought about her everyday since July 1999.

 

Do you still love and care about your ex?

 

 

Now, as far as you waiting till March, why? Are you not just prolonging your hurt? How can you begin to heal if you are still waiting for her to come back...and you cant continue to on that path because it will break your spirit and heart over and over.

 

spunkykatt: You're right. Maybe I should return her stuff and get my stuff as soon as possible, so I don't have this "holding on" feeling. I'd be doing it for my own wellbeing, however it would also surprise the ex, and make it appear like I'm getting on with my life without her.

 

 

Ultimately, time will heal everything, allow me to forgive the ex, make me rediscover myself and rebuild my confidence, and eventually make me a better person that can look back, laugh and smile and be happy that my ex was part of my life for 6 years, giving me the best childhood I could ever ask for.

 

Meanwhile, I've just got to keep climbing out of this hole....if only I could take a glimpse at what my life will be like in a year's time!

 

Thank you all for your time and dedication.