It is what it is...

[enolaton]

Well guys,

 

Check my other posts for my story...

 

After 2 weeks of NC and telling my ex not to contact me anymore, she suddenly texts me offering me a ride to a mutual friends Superbowl Party. I reluctantly accepted, but in the back of my mind, I thought something might come of this.

 

Well... we just caught up on things during the car ride, and once we arrived, we did not speak a word. She left the party before me, and was very cold and distant as she was leaving, a complete 180 from the car ride there.

 

Just goes to show you, NC ALL the way. Why did I accept her offer??? I need some cheering up!!!

[detox5]

Look at it this way, she invited you out with her friends, she wanted to see you, but doesnt wanna make i obvious, so she puts this, ohh were going to the superbowl party.

 

Just a thuoght, havent read your other replies, but she left before you, doesnt that look like shes in power now?

 

One more thing how was she cold and distant?

 

You have to look at 2 things, she invited you and she didnt talk to you, she invited you for a reason, and didnt say much to you for a reason.

 

maybe she was waiting for you to make all the moves, i bet, if you speak to her again, I would say hey man was a great party thanks for inviting, i had such a nice time i lost track of where you went?

 

think about it, her insecurities will go wild, she will think she would of missed out.

[enolaton]

Well, I did NC to gain that "power", and it did work. In my other replies, I explained how she was extremely upset when I told her I didn't want to be friends, and I stuck to it. It was making me feel somewhat better.

 

Anyway, she was cold and distant by not speaking to me at all at our friend's party, and just a peck on the cheek when she left. Nothing else...

 

All I know is, I should've just stuck to NC cause I feel terrible now. From what I understand, she is single again now (soon after we broke-up, she was seeing someone else) but she still made no effort in speaking to me. I wasn't gonna make any effort, she broke-up with me, and that would've hurt even more had I not got the response I was looking for...

[SuperDuper]

That feeling of power you're slowly becoming familiar with, is confidence, guaranteed.

I felt it too.

 

Your ex probably brought down your confidence at the end of your relationship, and if she's anything like mine - might even try to play some games to keep you on her emotional leash. Knowing she still has an impact on you, can make her feel good about herself. I know, it's odd.

 

The best thing to do - is to keep on going. You're in a great position here since you already know the benefits of NC, and can continue on your journey. Sometime down the road you will meet someone new, and realize that she has many more great qualities than your ex does (though, don't compare them)... and you won't think twice about leaving your ex in the past.

 

I am not against ex's getting back together - but there needs to be a reason. There needs to still be an undeniable connection between them. In your case, it seems she is just power hungry and when she realizes you don't break over her anymore.. it upsets her.. and then she realizes she can't do anything to make her feel better, she feels even worse. Why?

 

Because you feel good.

 

Keep feeling good, and don't care how it affects her, or her life. She's your ex for a reason. She's out of your life, and she should only come back in your life if she offers to get back together... OR... if she contacts you.. but you probably know what to do in those situations.

 

Good luck, keep me posted.

[kellbell]

Hi there enolaton!

 

Well, I suspect the reason NC backfired on you is because you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

"Well, I did NC to gain that "power", "

 

NC is not for power per say...I guess it can be thought of as taking your life back and the start of the healing process but it is not for having power over the other person or the relationship. Or is it not to make your ex come back or make him/her "come around." It is for you to heal, reflect, and move on.

 

What happened at the Superbowl Party is case and point of why it is important to stay away from your ex. I am sure you realize that by now. You are doing well...set backs happen all the time. Just move past it. I am so sorry about your break-up but I am sure there is someone better out there waiting for you. (((hugs)))

[OCD]

Hi kellbell,

Long time no speak...how's it going? I just read your reply and it makes sense...NC is for the dumpee to heal...I used to think that NC would give me some sort of power over the situation as well, then came to realize that NC is meant to move on...the more you talk, see, hear, from your ex just keeps you right at the starting line of the break up...that hurts, I know

On that note, I think all of us here are just looking for a way we can 'win' them back? I suppose that's why there is this forum...getting back with your ex....we all want answers, advice, and as NC is a great way of moving on, in some cases it does get your ex thinking....like in my case...but my ex was just more curious about what I was doing more than wanting to get back with me...so I built up false hope...and it hurt me in the end...I've since started moving on......I know every situation is different, but the question still looms.....How do we get our ex's back? It's a tough one...and I'm really not sure there even is a sure fire way....I think sometimes NC is good and will work in winning them back...other times I do think it is possible to keep some sort of contact with them......in my case, I don't think there was really anything I could do.....in the end she was just using me as a "curious comfort blanket"....and I got hurt in the end thinking I could win her back by silence....it didn't work...It's been over a month since she's called me......well I asked her not to call because she just wanted me as a friend...couldn't do that...now I'm not sure if I perhaps screwed things up by doing that....second guessing yourself sucks...but I felt I needed to put my foot down....just thought I'd share...hope I didn't go too far off topic hear....I just wanted to touch on your reply....thanks and take care

 

OCD

[enolaton]

Wow, OCD, I'm honored that you posted on my thread, LOL. I've actually followed your entire thread and it has inspired me. Particularly, becuase we are in very similar situations. Thanks for the reply!

 

I guess as the thread says... "it is what it is"...

[OCD]

Thanks enolaton, I'm glad my sad story was so insperational to you...lol. Thanks for following my story...sure we are sort of in the same boat...I know it sucks....I'm really glad that I could shed some light on others...you're welcome....this site has given me tons of strength over the last six months...it has been a long road, especially talking to my ex throughout the whole six months, as you know if you've followed...I'm in strict NC now....nada, nothing with her...she has yet to call since I asked her to not call.....I'm not sure who she thinks she was just leaving hanging, then wanting a friendship...oh well, thanks for the kind words....hang in there....and remember NC is to move on and if you're lucky it 'might' get them thinking.....anything is possible....I hope it works out for both of us...take care..

 

OCD

[enolaton]

You know what it is guys...

 

I found out my ex broke up with her rebound b/f, and at first I thought it would make me feel better. But now, I realize that in spite of her not having anyone at the moment, she STILL doesn't seem to want to reconcile with me - and that hurts. I guess I am in a better situation then some, in the sense that my ex has actually put A LOT of effort into trying to be my friend (even when I told her not to contact me).

 

Sometimes I doubt NC is the right way to go in my situation. Please assure me I'm doing the right thing...

[OCD]

Hello,

All I can say is based on what I've been going through the last 6 months...I may be wrong, but the way I see it, if it hurts YOU to be friends with this person it doens't do you any good....Use a period of NC until you heal up then maybe you'll be ready for some sort of friendship. That's where I'm at...this person kept calling me on and off, never consistant, I started giving myself false hope that she's coming back around...NO. She didn't want me back, but she still loved talking to me, just as a friend. This was starting to kill me because I love this person and she can't decide if she loves me or not. So bottom line is that you need to look out for yourself, period....because no one else will especially our ex's. They're obviously looking out for themselves or they wouldn't have left us....right? So if your ex wants to be just friends...I say heck no to that, right now...give yourself time to get over it all. Then when it doesn't hurt you to talk or see her, then maybe you can have a friendship...that's just the way I see it....Perhaps I'm a bit bitter, but why do we have to be friends with someone you gave your heart and sole to, only for them to leave and take that all away? Doesn't make sense at all to me to have your heart crushed then say "oh yeh let's be friends". That's rubish You and I both need to heal up before the thought of friends enters our heads....so NC until that happens...As far as what the ex thinks...tough noogies for them....they got want they wanted....us out of thier lives...the dumpers really need to realize that this is their choice...not ours....

 

OCD

[enolaton]

Thanks for the advice OCD. In a way, I guess I still have that mentality that my case is a little different. I keep second-guessing my decision to do NC, and instead be her friend in an attempt to win her back. NC, as we know is for healing, but at the same time, of course, I want her back. It seems the odds are slim that we will reconcile, but I still want to do everything possible to optimize my chance with her. She has definitely shown me that she does indeed still want me in her life as a friend at the very least. Of course, I miss her in my life as well... I just want to heal, and still have her in my life... Is that possible???

[sukerbut]

dude ill put my two cents in this one..mine too would call me every so often so we can chat..yada yada yada! eventually i broke down and asked her what the deal is...i proffesed my love to her one last time..well she assured me we were never gettign back together..that we were diffrent and that she no longer loved me..she gave me about a million and one excuses as to why it would not work..right!!! i even went out and bought that stupid bookon how to get your lover back...no way man..i could not deal with talking to her..i mean the conversations went well..i was cool and confident but two days later i would be crushed..when would she call again..why is she calling? nah man you dont need that in your life...i told her unfortunately i am not liek you..i have not moved on and as hard as this is for me.i cant speak to you because it hurts to much..she has never called agian...i like it better that way..i second guessed myself for going that rout, but its been four months 2 of them i have not spoken to her..i feel better. not great but much better..why keep throwing salt in an oen wound..let it heal first and i guarantee you once it heals you will not even want to be friends with her..i mean its been so long..our lives have changed, how can we be frineds now? why bother being friends? this woman i wanted to marry..i loved her more than anything and i am going to settle for being her friend..i would rather think of her as deceased than talk to her weekly and feeling the pain regularly....i dont hate her, but i do..you know its weird. dont be friends and dont second guess yourself...its about you man!

[OCD]

Well put sukerbut, that's exactly the same way I feel....why give these ex's a friendship when you give them your heart and sole....only to have them crush it? If you can be friends with her without it effecting you or hurting you, then you're a better man than I am....I can not do that...I loved this person....and she was just throwing me bread crumbs...only thinking about herself...never thought once how I felt about her phones calls and whether they were hurting me at all....don't keep this friendship going thinking that you're going to win her back....that's setting you up for defeat my friend....and it'll hurt worse, trust me....like sukerbut said, why keep throwing salt on that wound? My ex hasn't called me either after I asked her to stop calling, while I get my head straight.....if she/they really want us back.....I think they'd really let us know....some how some way...remember they left us....we didn't leave them.....give them space, life without you.....that's their call....it sucks, but we need to be stronger than taking what they give us.....I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of guy when it comes to love.....either you love someone or you don't...right? And if you really love someone you wouldn't leave them hanging like me ex did to me....I'm learning all of this over time.....good luck my friend...

 

OCD

[healinginnyc81]

I agree with sukerbut and OCD, if you still have feelings for someone how can you be friends with them. You'll never get over the feelings you have and yet you'll be caught in this state of wanting to have a relationship with them. It'll prevent you from really getting stronger and it'll keep you closed to meeting someone else who might be better. We all need to cut the ex's out of our lives so that we can get our own lives back and have a life that doesn't include them.

[enolaton]

Thanks guys. Guess I just needed to hear that... again. Sometimes, I just wonder if she is waiting for me to make the move. I know she loves me, but she was never an initiator. She just keeps popping her head into my life every couple of weeks one way or another. She thinks that we are both good people, just possibly not good together... It just sucks that after 3 years, she doesn't want try again to be sure...

[OCD]

I've learned that all you can do during a breakup is say exactly how you feel to them, ONCE, tell them how much you love them, care about them, that you'd like another chance.....then leave it at that....you've said your piece and they know it, period....the more and more we tell them we love them, blah blah...just gives them comfort that we're still there thinking about them...so I would say if you haven't already told her how you feel....do that then let it rest....period...done...you can't be friends because it hurts you....you love this person...it's torture for me any ways to be a friend with someone that won't love me back....that takes time to heal that wound and perhaps it will never heal enough to be friends....it all depends on what you want...if you want her, then you can't make her want you, no matter what you do, be friends, etc....If you can be friends without it hurting you, then sure go for it...but I can't do that at all.....i'm learning this as I go....if I gave them everything in my heart and they throw it away like a piece of trash....how can they expect us to be friends? Heck with them....I'm learning to be stronger....there someone out there that will love me the same way I love them...care about them...etc. Good luck...

 

OCD

[enolaton]

Thanks OCD... life's unfair sometimes...

[OCD]

yeh it is I guess, but perhaps this is just part of the plan...maybe we're meant for somone else? Or best case would be giving this time apart only to grow more together down the road? I'm hoping for that, but I need to move on....take care.

 

OCD

[enolaton]

Yea man. Nothing wrong with wishful thinking. See what the future holds... Take care.

[sukerbut]

yeah and one more thing...if you dumped this girl you think she would want to continue to be your friend..i dont think so!!!!

[enolaton]

Actually, truth be told... I think she WOULD still be my friend. As I've said in my other posts, she has certainly put in A LOT of effort to try being my friend, or to be there for me. Why, I don't know... I guess she realizes that though we may not be good together, we are both still good people, and she doesn't want to lose me from her life completely...

[deejay74]

i agree completely. i can't tell you what to do, only you know your situation but 3 weeks after the break up, i contacted my ex and actually saw her too to give some stuff back to her. but when i spoke to her on the phone, i basically got a lot off my chest and i told her how i felt about her. i never once begged or pleaded or even asked her to change her mind and afterwards i did feel better. this was 2 weeks ago today and i haven't even attempted to contact her. i am slowly progressing and getting better but it did feel like a weight was off my shoulders because during the break up, i was too emotional and too in shock to really say what i wanted to say. plus i got a little bit more closure on the break up but not a total closure.

 

again, this was my decision and i am not telling you that you need to do this, just providing you with an example.