The Beginning of My Low Self Esteem

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I knew my self esteem was lower than the Devil's home address, but the epiphany I had today was oh so depressing.

 

Today I went to a friend's Superbowl Party. I got dressed in my brand new shirt, shaved, fixed the hair, brushed the teeth and then looked in the mirror to fix my collar. At the site of my horrid reflection, I let out a deep sigh and fell back to the dreaded pit we call Square One. But when I saw the expression on my face with my hands on my collar, I had a flashback that triggered the very first day of the hatred I had for my looks.

 

It was a summer night in 1980, so I was 7 years old. I was modeling suits in my Aunt's church, which was something I amazingly did without being too nervous, being that I am so terribly shy. Maybe because everyone in the audience was 70 or older and there was blue hair 'a plenty. I can still remember the overwhelming stench of peppermint candy and Ben Gay as they fought each other for supremacy. Anyway, I was trying on a suit and I looked in the mirror to fix my collar and I was absolutely displeased with what I saw. I remember looking at myself in the mirror as a 7 year old boy and thinking to myself that I was ugly. Mind you, at this time I had my only girlfriend in first grade and a couple of girls who said they liked me. But I did not like my image at all. I was depressed the entire night.

 

From that summer night to this very winter morning, spanning 25+ years, everytime I look in the mirror I am disgusted. Even when I smile I don't like it. I have never had a girl look at me "that way", with the exception of a few incidences where I may have fantisized in my favor. When it comes to how I feel about my looks, I have made no progress. At age 7, I frowned at my reflection. And now, at age 32, I still frown at my reflection.

 

I find it incredibly difficult to imagine a female being attracted to me. I dont think any of my other qualities will push me over the edge to be considered as a romantic potential. I think I will only be a friend because I am not physically what they desire. It is so hard to have confidence in your looks when no one else does. It is a two way street. I can walk around twirling my umbrella, whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show, blinding the ladies with my sparkling teeth as I tip my top hat and bid them a wonderful afternoon, but when they ignore me, what is the use in it all? I get so frustrated when I make them laugh, but other guys just stand there and have women fall over them like they were banana peels on ice.

 

If this "special someone" that everyone tells me I am going to find is out there, why doesn't she step up? She had better hurry up because my patience is running thin. Kate Moss thin. And the thinner my patience gets, the lower my self esteem gets. Wave your hand. Wave a flag. Stomp your feet. Do something to let me know that you are out there so that I can sweep you off your feet.

 

I am packing my bags and headed for that bus that is going nowhere. Please, stop me from getting on that bus...

[arwen]

Hey KO,

 

At the risk of sounding like dr. Phil, I must say that your attractiveness depends for the largest part on how you feel about yourself. Another person might influence that, but the beauty that REALLY lies within, is for yourself to find. I know being single can be very frustrating.

 

You say you don't think you have 'other qualities' that will push someone over the edge. Did you ever read back your own posts? I have said so before, but you have an amazing talent for writing. This is certainly a trait that I would be attracted to. Of course physical attraction is a part of human interactional chemistry. On the long term, it's only a small part.

 

I think your epiphany should lead to the epiphany that the way you look at yourself should be changed. Another cliche, KO, but you're gonna need to love yourself first. You are a very very special person, and you need to see yourself from a different perspective.

 

This weekend, they had re-runs of one of my fav shows on MTV: MADE. This show is often about guys or girls that find themselves very shy, unattractive, nerdish, you name it. They want to change, they want to date, because of course everybody wants to date and feel confident. Yesterday they had the cutest boy on, he went from a sluggish boy that walks with his back bent over, to a confident nice bloke, and he was able to get dates because he was forced to do so by the made-coach. If you really feel like you want to look different, then experiment. Wear clothes that make you feel more confident, if you wear glasses, swap them for contacts, do something different with your hair, whatever.

 

The point is that those changes are NOT the changes that are perceived by the females you want to attract. It's the change of being more confident that will make you attractive.

 

Take care, KO. Don't get on that Bus of Negativity Leading to Nowhere. That bus is only gonna take you further away from that special person.

 

Ilse

[ShySoul]

Kyo,

 

Buddy. Pal. Amigo. We are two of a kind. The ladies pass over. Often question ourselves. With you its the looks, with me, its the personality. But I'm not really anything special in looks either. Thin, glasses, not the clearest skin, short, no muscles. I'm no Brad Pitt (and really, would I want to be?)

 

But I've said it before, and I'll say it again (and again and again and again until you start to believe it). You are a guy of many talents. Your humor is off the charts. Your posts are always entertaining, even when its about how bad you feel. And your posts are extremely well written. The poems you wrote under your alter ego were amazing.

 

That's just two of the many great qualities I know you have. You need to stop comparing your looks to what you think you should be, and start feeling good about who you are.

 

I've got another show for you. Beauty and the Geek, the WB, Thursday. It takes the geeky guys who aren't confident in there look or around beautiful women, and pairs them up with beautiful women. And they see that they have all the skills they need to approach and be around women. And the girls, who aren't the smartest, see that they are more then a pretty face. Plus, its just darn funny to watch.

 

Kyo, you are a great guy. You will find someone. Keep belieiving in yourself.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'm sure you have seen many times how looks don't matter, with girls and guys, some people believe the standards of beauty are disgusting and others are attracted to what many consider ugly.

 

You do know what brings you down is not who you see in the mirror but your self esteem, now, how can that be changed?.

 

There must be several things you like about yourself, including about how you look, make a list, add as many things as you can every day and don't question anything you already added, keep it somewhere you can see it often and read it over and over until you feel you believe you are a great person because of those things.

 

It seems you have a habit of disregarding nice comments about how you look and the like, so you have to learn to do the opposite from now on, if a girl looked at you "that way" is because she wanted to do it, give yourself credit, accept the good things too.

[ShySoul]

Kyo,

 

Have you seen my avatar? That's me. I'm no stud. And I'm such a cornball that I "got personal" with a giant fake loaf of bread. But the girl who took the picture said I looked cute. And what I think it is, is that I stop thinking about how I look and just be my usual goofy self. That attidude of being carefree and not focusing on looks allows my natural good heart and personality to shine. Girls see that and thats what they respond to. And when they compliment, I get shy and nervous, which seems to make me more cute. Go figure.

 

Lots of girls probably think you are cute. But because you don't think you are, because you are so focused on how you are ugly, you miss out on that. You don't believe the compliments you do get. And that attitude seeps out and makes it harder for girls to say things to you, because they know you won't accept it.

 

You are a good guy. You have many talents and traits. And I just have this feeling that if we all saw a picture of you, there would be a number of girls on this site who would be interested in getting to know you a lot better.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

you know shysouls right. some people may not consider him attractive, and some may, but personally i see his picture and think that he's able to laugh at himself because he's secure in how he looks, and honey theres nothing sexier than a man who can appreciate himself. trust me, you don't have to be some big stud in order to win the heart of a wonderful girl. just be confident in who you are and trust that no matter what anyone else thinks, you lvoe yourself.

 

plus theres always some incredibly attribute in everyone. so tell me, what do you LIKE about your appearance?

[Caldus]

While I have no further advice, you just gotta love Kyo's somewhat subtle humor in his posts. I really think humor is your key to victory in this case. Use it to your advantage. This is a progression. Not something that will happen over night. Why not hit the gym? Humor yourself and meet random people without the intention of getting a date so that it takes off a lot of pressure. Don't just humor yourself but humor them. Because I mean I really think that's what is going to make you successful in this field.

 

OK I lied. That was further advice.

[ShySoul]

Thank you yang to the words yin. I figure, things can be so depressing anyways, might as well laugh at things.

 

Kyo, its what I've been saying all along. Think positive, be able to laugh at yourself and have fun with your looks instead of putting yourself down, and its sexy to the ladies.

 

Come on man, lets here something positive about your looks.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Thank you yang to the words yin. I figure, things can be so depressing anyways, might as well laugh at things.

 

Kyo, its what I've been saying all along. Think positive, be able to laugh at yourself and have fun with your looks instead of putting yourself down, and its sexy to the ladies.

 

Come on man, lets here something positive about your looks.

 

 

no problem shysoul, your avatar's absolutely hilarious and you've got a great sense of humour about it, and i think thats key to being happy in this world. the joy of laughter is an incredibly powerful thing.

 

he's right kyo, there is nothing more enjoyable to a women than a man thats comfortable in his own skin. and frankly i'd really enjoy hearing what you do love about yourself. because i'm sure theres plenty of physical attributes about you that would make any women mush.

[Dako]

KO,

I might as well have written your post if I had your writing skills.

My mother convinced me at a young age that I was an eyesore compared to my handsome-but-neurotic brother. My sister the princess reinforced the concept and from there I went through life feeling hideous. I always consider it a sign of maturity to stop blaming your childhood for your lot in life but this is one area that I can't resolve.

The only way I've been able to cope is by not caring how I look. I usually need a haircut, shave haphazardly and maybe have a twig in my hair because mirrors repel me. I'm also sensitive about being 6' 5'' and having size 14 shoes. I always imagine myself as Quasimodo, and not the cute Disney version.

Any compliments go in one deformed ear and out the other.

 

I'd recommend (surprise!) seeing a counselor about your self image. Maybe you can avoid ending up as a humble bellringer like me.

 

I'm absolutely serious.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Thank you good people.

 

I try dako, but like you, compliments go in one ear, marinates for a few seconds as my brain tries to believe what it just heard, and flies out the other ear.

 

Another low point involved the only woman I ever fell in love with. She had her type and I was on the opposite side of the spectrum, 100% different than what she described. She liked pumpkins, I was a tomato, in the wrong patch. Anyway, slowly I saw myself in her eyes as ugly, and somehow my imagination crawled into the eyes of every other woman I met/meet.

[arwen]

Hey KO,

 

I know the feeling you are describing. In fact, I was in a relationship with a guy who turned out NOT to fancy me at all. I started looking at myself through his eyes, my thin short hair, my flat chest, freckles, you name it. I think there is a risk of seeing yourself through someone's eyes (unless it's a positive one, but still). You don't KNOW if this is what she sees, KO. You're just guessing it is. She just didn't fancy you. That's all there is to it. That has nothing to do with YOU.

 

Ilse