feeling heartbroken

[teacup]

i fell for a guy. he's 36 going on 37 in a few weeks. i dont think he's that interested in me. he never calls me. never really wants to spend time on the phone talking. he pushes me away a lot. im so sad and i feel so sick.

 

i really wanted a real bf. someone who will be there for me when im sick, someone who will give me flowers, wants to see me happy, who's interested in my life, who wants to give and isnt selfish and who genuinely cares about me and wants to help me. where will i find a gem like that?

 

i was always the one chasing him from the beginning. im such a fool because i really burned myself. i feel really lonely and i have no one. how could i have been so stupid? i told myself that it was just for fun and to have someone to spend some time with but it's not true. i want something real, genuine, sincere and honest.

 

i told him upfront that im looking for a relationship and dont do casual sex. he said he wants a relationship too. i told him that i feel mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to him. and he said "same." i asked him "what's left?" and he said "nothing." but actions speak louder than words...he doesnt call. im always calling, always wanting to see him. i feel sick because there isnt enough reciprocation.

 

i dont understand shallow attachments because i have a lot of deep feelings. when i feel attachment or love, it is very real and i feel very genuine about it.

 

im the kind of girl who will be there forever if im in love and the guy treats me right. i wonder why i turned out like this in a world full of game players because it has certainly made my life hurtful than if i could be one of those out there messing with others. but i just wasnt born that way.

 

he said that he wants to fall in love. well, i dont believe him. it's been a month and a half but i still miss his friend. the one that genuinely had feelings for me, treated me right. if i could pick all over again, i would choose him. but i know it is too late.

 

so here i am, broken dreams, broken heart, one-sided love. everyone tells me i deserve better that im too good for him. but it doesnt help.

[Hope75]

Teacup,

 

Have you given any thought to the advice posted on your earlier thread from today? I noticed you didn't respond after your intial response.

 

Maybe what you need is some time on your own with therapy to learn to feel comfortable with yourself and not jump so fast into the dating pool when you know you just aren't ready yet.

 

What do you think?

[teacup]

i know. im a mess. i need a lot of work. i can barely live. what guy wants to deal with that? i dont want to be clingy or needy on a guy. i want to be happy.....to live a great full life.

 

im not ready to date. im not even ready to have friends. i dont even have a relationship with myself. how can a person hate herself so much?

 

but i really like him and i wish i didn't. i thought we had a good time on monday but i want to stop caring about the outcome of this. i dont know what to do with my feelings for him.

 

i need to stop wanting to hurt myself and to run away from myself.

[Hope75]

Are you in counseling? Have you considered it?

 

I notice that your first concern is what guy would want to deal with your emotional state right now. Perhaps your first concern should be how you deal with it, not what a guy would think.

[teacup]

i know. i am not stable. i am getting a referral to a counselor....but i have such issues concerning gong to counseling. i'll feel ashamed and like im crazy even though i need it. i'll have a hard time opening up to a counselor.

 

where do i put my dreams in the meantime? the dreams to have a bf, real friends, happiness, a good life?

 

i cannot even tell who is a good person and who is a bad person because i am so screwed up and needy.

[Hope75]

You can still have all of those dreams. They just need to be re arranged a little bit. You are not going to find ful fillment anywhere in your life until you get yourself straightened out.

 

What do you believe about counseling? What do you know about it?

 

What types of people do you think need counseling?

[Dako]

teacup,

 

You know you need help. You have a lot to offer in a relationship, but you need to build a healthy one with yourself.

 

I've seen shrinks and counselors and benefiitted greatly from it. I'm not ashamed to ask for help. After all, that's what brought me here.

[teacup]

counseling is for crazy people. basketcases. the psych ward. loonies. nutty ppl. if i talk to a counselor longterm, he/she will know everything there is to know about me and that is dangerous.

 

how can a counselor possibly help me? im nuts.

[fishrrshortae]

I know how you feel hun, I posted a somewhat similar rant under Emotions/Feelings. Things can get frustrating sometimes, especially when relationships fail... The best thing to do, perhaps the ONLY thing you can do, is spend some time alone examining what went wrong, and why. Were you too clingy, in your opinion, or not really ..?

 

It sounds like you have other issues besides this guy ... No one can help you unless you finally get sick of everything, enough that you're willing to do something about it. You're right about one thing, if you don't care about yourself, no one is going to care about you either. The best way to get over that guy of yours (and yes, you should stop pursuing him) is to absorb yourself in other activities. Even if you have to do things by yourself, keep yourself busy. Don't sit around and think about him.

 

For all anyone knows, we only have this life to live. So try to make the best of it.

[Hope75]

Counseling is for anyone who has things in their life that they feel they cannot handle on their own. There are many different types and levels of counseling. Many people at one point or another feel that they could use some help working out an issue that they can't seem to grapple alone.

 

Would you agree with that statement?

 

If a woman lost her husband to a car accident, and missed him terribly, and sought counseling to help her get through it, would you consider her crazy?

 

Why do you think you are nuts?

[Dako]

teacup,

 

The nutty people are the ones who don't get help.

You've been through a lot of crappy things. Anyone else would

be unhappy and unable to cope after all that. The only thing wrong with getting help is wasting your life trying to avoid it.

 

Doing nothing but suffering and hating yourself without getting help is like limping around with a broken leg.

I know many successful people who needed help at certain times and were mature enough to get it,

 

I went through a terrible phase in my childhood where I had to deal with things even adults had trouble with. I went to a counselor and worked my way back to health and started getting good grades in school. If I had continued without help, I'd probably never finished High School.

 

At one point my marriage was threatend by my depression. After seeing a shrink, I got my life back,

Right now, I'm working on fixing myself up after a breakup. I don't expect some poor lady to cure me. That's unfair.

[teacup]

those are good points.....any other ones? i am taking meds but i dont seem to be any calmer.

 

there is an asian stigma against counseling and getting professional mental help. i think that is where my reluctance comes from. i am asian.

[Dako]

I'm sure you could find Asian heathcare professionals who'd tell you otherwise.

[Hope75]

What do Asians believe about seeking counseling?

[renaissancewoman101]

Most Asians think counseling is a waste of time and a sign of weakness. Asians are supposed to be strong and steadfast and hold everything in. They dont believe in letting out their feelings. They also believe in solving their problems themselves. I am Chinese and my parents are very traditional and I grew up constantly being told that I had to hold my feelings inside and not be emotional, but instead to strive to do the best, be the best, etc. Admitting that we have feelings and we need help to deal with those feelings, are a sign of weakness and that is frowned upon.

 

Growing up Asian in a very white culture was tough on me. In school I was encouraged to let my feelings out and be emotional (I went to a Catholic school) and at home I was discouraged from being emotional. I had a tough time in high school because my parents were having marital problems in high school and my mom put me in the middle of it. She would pit me against my dad and if I didnt side with her, she would say that I was betraying her. That was hard to deal with and, one day at school, I had an emotional breakdown and told a teacher about it. She encouraged me to get counseling and I told my mom. My mom took it badly and was really angry at me for telling other people about our family problems. She took it as me betraying her. Needless to say, she didnt think I needed counseling because she didnt think I was crazy, so I didnt get counseling.

 

I ended up getting counseling for my pent in feelings and emotions when I went to college. Going to college was the first time I had ever been away from my parents and from CA. I went to college in Milwaukee and I had a tough time adjusting. During my first few weeks of college, I want to kill myself because I couldnt deal with being away from home, dealing with roommates, and with the fact that classes were hard and I wasnt doing real well. I came close to wanting to end it but I broke down and told my RA and she had me get counseling from the school counselor. That helped me.

[novaseeker]

Teacup -- I agree with the others that counseling would be a good thing for you. GIve it time, enter it with an open mind. It doesnt change things over night, but it does help in the medium term if you give it time and work at it. Honestly, it will be the best thing for you to get past some of the issues you are dealing with and move forward with your life.

 

And don't worry about this guy ... he's the one with the drinking problem, correct? In that case, you're actually far better off that he's pushing you away and making it easier to end a relationship with him that had virtually no chance of working because of his drinking problem anyway. So you kind of dodged a bullet there by him pushing you away ... it lets you move on from that relationship to a place where you can work on yourself for a bit, which is probably what needs to happen next.

 

Be well.

[Hope75]

It makes more sense after what renaissancewoman101 said about your culteral beliefs why you are hesistant to seek counseling.

 

I hope that with all due repect to your culture that you will at least consider the possibility, and in the end to do what is right for YOU and not for your parents or your culture or anyone else.

 

As you have heard and seen counseling is very much the norm in America. We seek counseling frequenty for things that we have trouble accepting or dealing with on our own. Here, as Dako said, it is a sign of wellness to seek out help when you are feelng weak, so that you can be strong and overcome it.

 

I hope you will at least think about it.

[teacup]

so americans have no stigma against counseling? is that really true? surely, americans have some stigma and association of counseling with crazy bad ppl?? what are the beliefs most americans have about counseling? how would ppl react if they knew i went to counseling?

[Dako]

Teacup,

Everyone who knows me knows I've been to a shrink. No one has ever said boo to me about it being a weak or sissy thing to do. I hang out with some real guys who've been around enough to know it's no biggie.

 

Actually so many people open up and tell me their experiences with counselors and psych docs, I'm amazed.

[Hope75]

I have many friends who have sought counseling and I don't think any different of them. I would do it in a heartbeat if I needed some help with an issue in my life.

 

I obviously can't speak for all Americans, but I can say it's very popular here.

[RayKay]

I have, and know many people whom has gone through counselling, and never has a word been said to me or them about it being "wussy". It can take a lot more courage to confront and deal with your problems then to let them just control you.

 

Counselling helps YOU gain the tools to deal with your issues, and there is nothing wussy or weak about that.