Screw NC

[Sprink]

So I said my bf broke up with me last wednesday because he didn't love me and couldn't go on pretending in the relationship. We had never initiated NC. We both know we want to talk to each other still.

 

The first day I wrote in my blog numerous times and he read it by his own choice. The second day he wrote me emails telling me he was at loss for words but I really meant a lot to him, just not romantically. Then he asked if I hated him.

 

I replied back to him in the blog. I did that because he was the one who left me, I don't want to seem like I was bombarding him with emails and not leaving him alone. In my entries I poured everything out. Long long and tearful entries.

 

Then he wrote me a really long email telling me how depressed he was and how he kept thinking about me and couldn't even eat. This time I wrote back by email because he requested it. I asked why he can't love me if now he can feel all these things because of me and that NOW he thinks about me all the time, but not when we were still together.

 

We write to each other so openly about everything that went on in the relationship, good and bad. Communication is at a very deep level between us right now. We cry about the things that could've been, the things we could've done if we were still together.

 

I feel deeply hurt and sad still, but I think I would be way worse off if we had never contacted each other at all.

 

I contact him because I still love him and will care about him no matter what. But now he is telling me everything and tells me how he is affected by the breakup. What is that supposed to mean for him?

 

I DO NOT feel wrong to have kept in contact with him. He means everything he says and I know I can trust his words, even after he left me.

 

Could there possibly be a chance for us to get back together? I feel like maybe there's a chance after having laid out everything on the table about what went wrong. But then I don't know if I can keep my hopes up either...

 

Why must people insist on NC? If we are two trusting, honest people, I don't find anything wrong with contact.

[Dako]

I agree that NC isn't quite the cure for every heartbeak.

If you both benefit from communication, that's right for you.

 

I think NC is helpful for people who need to break away and heal their wounds without reminders of the relationship. Many people see each email or call as evidence the relationship stil lives on. Sometimes this gives false hope to fuel the emotional rollercoaster. People who have split after a short time seem well suited to this approach.

 

I'm going without NC. It's harder in some ways, but worth it in other ways. I'm concerned about my ex, and want to be friends for life.

[annie24]

You want him back but he told you flat out he doesn't love you. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you? He can miss you all he wants, but I'd rather be single than be with a man that wasn't crazy in love with me.

[DN]

You want him back but he told you flat out he doesn't love you. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you? He can miss you all he wants, but I'd rather be single than be with a man that wasn't crazy in love with me.

 

That's the key. If he was unsure that would be one thing but when he says clearly that he does not love you, then I think maintaining contact can only make things more drawn out.

[Ghostrider4042005]

well in my POV NC is best because it gives you time apart from each other to see if you really were right for each other n if you were meant to be they'll eventually come back (you just never know when that is though) but that's just my opinion

[Dako]

I'd like to clarify something.

If one of you wants a reconciliation that isn't possible, staying in touch could slow your healing by many months. There are some sad people on this forum taking forever to get past it because they won't let go.

 

I know in my bones that my ex would never return to me. If I wasn't sure, talking to her would be torture.

[Sprink]

Of course I want him back, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends at all if that wasn't possible.

 

He wants to be friends, and if that's the most I can be I'd want to be friends too. Doing NC would mean we don't even get to be that.

[Ghostrider4042005]

well then obviously my mistake on that part if you BOTH want to still be friends than don't do NC

[jl301]

Hey Sprink,

 

I'm have to agree everyone post above. Why would want to go back to man that clearly stated that he doesn't love you anymore. You deserve so much better than that. Wouldn't you rather to be with man that truly cares/ love you. Hang in there!!!

[annie24]

Well, the problem with trying to remain friends when you want him back and when he doesn't want to get back with you is that it will make the healing process so much more difficult for you. I know - I've been there. I tried to be friends with a guy who said he didn't want to be with me. Sure, we were friends, but I kept pining away for him, and it took me years to get over him.

 

I think NC is best, until you get over him. You can alway be friends again down the road.

 

If he really said that he doesn't love you, then why are you trying to win him back? I highly doubt that he would suddenly change his mind. In fact, I think you have a better chance of him changing his mind if you move on and start dating other men. In my experience, that is when exes come back - when they see that they have truly lost you.

[Dako]

Sprink,

I'm struggling with staying friends and in touch.

Here's what it involved for me.

 

Realizing it's over. Whining to my ex about how much I love and miss her just hurts her further. I can't hurt my friend so I took her word for it. It's over.

Being upbeat when I see her. Same reason.

Being involved when it's needed, leaving space when I'm crowding her.

She's awaiting medical tests that worry me. I called and asked her to let me know the results when she gets them. I don't call daily even though I want to.

Going through angry spells where bitterness rules my world, but calmly taking a call from her and being kind.

Not telling her how miserable I am. Who wants a friend like that?

 

I hope you get back together with your ex, but look out for your feelings.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

I think this is a classic example of why NC is very important. There was a theme in your post that shows me that NC is important in this situation. This is you are not thinking of yourself in this situation, what you want and what is best for you. You are doing what he wants, what is best for him and you are worried about his feelings before yours. Trust me, we have all done it...myself included.

 

"I contact him because I still love him and will care about him no matter what. But now he is telling me everything and tells me how he is affected by the breakup. What is that supposed to mean for him?"

 

This statement shows me you are NOT putting yourself first. He was putting himself first by breaking up with you and telling you he no longer is in love with you and can't go on pretending to be in this relationship. I don't know...I know if someone told me that, I would be humliated and would not want anything to do with that person anymore....maybe that's my pride talking. Time to do what is right for you and not what is right for him or what COULD HAVE BEEN in your relationship.

 

He wants to be friends with you to ease the guilt from breaking up with you and telling you he is not in love with you anymore. He wants his cake and wants eat it too. I think you know deep down inside that NC is the way to go but you are so full of emotion at the moment and still love this guy...that on the surface you believe it's wrong.

 

I really feel that talking to him gives you false hope. That is one of the reasons to implement NC, to make sure there is no misunderstanding about what was said or implied. Plus, NC gives you time to heal and really think about things. So what would you rather do, not speak to him for awhile, really reflect on things and put yourself first OR have tearful converations with him about what was and what COULD HAVE BEEN, false hope, and being strung along? You have not even given NC a whirl, so how would you know if it is benefical or not? NC is not a technique to get your ex back or make him come around...it is FOR YOU to heal and move on.

 

I don't understand...how is it that he gets all the power in this? Take some back...take charge of your life. If he really wants you in his life and cares about you...he should have never broken up with you. Spend time with your friends, with your family, re-discover your hobbies, work out. DO things for YOU. I am truly sorry you are going through this. It WILL get better, just let time work its magic. Take good care and wishing you all the best. (((hugs)))

[annie24]

I agree 100% with Kellbell.

 

One of my favorite books is "He's just not that into you." One chapter is, "He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you: "I don't want to go out with you" means just that."

 

Just because he broke up with you doesn't mean that he hates you - but try not to forget that he told you he's not in love with you. It's a pretty common scenario. He doesn't want to hurt you, but at the same time, he doesn't want you as his gf anymore. Being nice to him and being his friend won't change his mind - all it will do is to hurt you.

 

I really do think that NC for several months in this case would be best for you.

[evy38]

If you don't want to do NC, that is fine, for you. But, for many people. 1.who believe their ex, when they tell them they don't love them

2. who want to get over their breakup and move on with their lives

3. who know they can't be friends with someone they love because they want more then that

4. who refuse to sink into obessive depression, by continuing to pursue someone who has clearly stated they don't love them

NC, is a way to put the distance necessary to take a deep breath, gain a little objectivity and start the healing process necessary to find true happoiness, within themselves and with a more deserving partner. It is a useful, often necessary, tool and really is not something to be denigraded. Even out of anger at what you SO is doing. You may find it useful, when you are ready to really let go, for your own sanity.

[whatif]

He wants to be friends because he doesn't want to feel the guilt that he deserves. Not only he dumped you but he is also using you at this point for his own emotional cure. Good luck!