I don't know if I should help or stay away from my friend

[sweetheart230]

I've posted about this particular friend before. We've been best friends for five years, but for a long time she would sort of build herself up by making me feel bad and making me think she was more desirable to men. When she found out this wasn't true at a party when I visited, her, she got pissed and almost left me alone in a crummy area, in an apartment full of guys I didn't know, I had no money or cell. I was angry at first. Really angry. But I'm starting to realize she has real problems. I just don't know if I should walk away from the friendship b/c of all the damage she's done to me, or try to help her.

 

She gets really depressed unless she has a guy who wants her. The latest one is roommates with a guy she slept with after knowing a week or two. They made him leave the room while they had sex. This guy was told she was a nympho and bisexual and met her while she was making out with his roommate and another girl. He apparently calls people fat to their face, and poured beer on a girls face and said he could do it cause "she's not cute". She keeps telling me how he hasn't made a move on her yet and how wonderful he is to her. I think she does his homework for him, though. I've been short with her b/c she's getting on my nerves.

 

When I told her that I'm finally over my last relationship and I felt good she told me "enjoy it cause it won't last" and that when you end a long relationship you should just jump into another one cause it helps you feel better faster. And when I told her that I felt shy around guys sometimes, she told me how all the guys in her one class wanted her.

 

She told me that any guy who won't date you cause you dress and act like a tramp is a jerk b/c he shouldn't judge you. She says she acts easy (makes out with tons of guys and girls, grinds on them, hits on them, etc.) because its just fun. I have this feeling she doesn't do it just cause its fun.

 

I can't help but think she has problems. Maybe this new guy is the answer to all her problems and I should just leave it alone. I don't personally believe a guy would want a girl who has slept with his roommate and who he met while she was naked in another guys bed making otu with two people but she keeps talking about him over and over and over again and says he is so wonderful to her and not using her for sex. Maybe I'm underestimating this guy.

 

Should I just say screw it, this guy is probably being good to her and just walk away? Or is it more likely there's more to it than she's telling me and I shouldn't abandon the friendship?

[DN]

This girl sounds toxic and I think you should walk away. Friendship is a reciprocal relationship where both people benefit. What benefit are you gaining from it?

[sweetheart230]

Well we have fun when we hang out, and we've been friends for so long. Although she once told me a guy kissed me instead of her cause I looked easier (she tried making out with me to get his attention...didn't work). Apparently there was a blond girl at the party who was hotter than me, and he didn't choose her, so it musta been cause he thought I'd have sex with him (which I didn't).

 

I sometimes think I am just jealous of her. I mean she doesn't seem like she's lying about this new guy being so great to her, but I don't know. So I'm wondering if I'm just a mean person and really jealous that she is getting treated well by him. I'm not jealous of other people. But I don't want to be too hard on her if its just my jealous feelings.

[RayKay]

I am not sure how many times I can say it....but as I have said before this girl has SERIOUS issues with self esteem, control, manipulation, selfishness. She puts you down to bring her up.

 

No matter how she says it, she is not putting herself in great situations either! It sounds like this guy is an absolute jerk. Maybe he treats her alright, but I can guarantee that at some point she will be the one he calls fat and throws beer in her face. He sounds awful...the best indicator of how someone will treat you is how they treat others.

 

She is also a terrible friend to you, and you know it. She has always put you down and criticized you.

 

Seriously, she is a toxic emotional vampire....friendship is a two way street and she has yet to be a true friend to you.

[sweetheart230]

I just don't want to let go if I can help her. If she feels the need to be so mean to me and bring me down, obviously her life must suck. She wanted anti depressants, and then she found this new guy and she's fine now. I told her she should get counseling...but she said no.

 

I guess I just have a hard time letting go of people/things.

[DN]

Overall she is a bad person to be around and any qualities she has (which I have yet to see) more than outweigh the ones that are destructive - especially to you.

[sweetheart230]

The only thing I can think of is when I was upset, I called her crying and she talked to me. Other than that I guess I just have a lot of fun with her.

[DN]

OK, well lots of people can do that - but the ones who count don't make you feel bad as well. Friends are there for you when you need them and when you don't. They don't turn on you and treat you badly.

[sweetheart230]

I just feel like I'm turning my back on her. Obviously she's messed up. But I think she's trying to make me as messed up as she is. How do you help someone who's trying hurt you? I guess I can't.

[DN]

Not only can't - but shouldn't. She will only turn on you even more.

[sweetheart230]

I just feel like a really really horrible person. I'm actually finding myself wanting this guy to be using her. I mean she actually seemed happy when my ex hurt me. But I dont' want to be like that. I shouldn't want her to get used by this guy. Why am I so freaking bad inside.