Help, first real conflict in new relationship

[Scout]

Ok, eNotaloners...I need your advice on how to actually do something I always advocate in my own advice, lol. HOW TO DEAL WITH CONFLICT.

 

The situation is my boyfriend of two months and I had words last night. I was upset that he didn't come over until almost two hours after he said he was coming by. He was working on a friend's amplifier (they're musicians) and the task took longer than he estimated. He did call me twice to update me on the progress.

 

Nevertheless, I was rather put out by the time he got over here. I said something to that effect, and his response really clued me in to how he reacts to criticism: he makes the other person feel guilty, lol. He said, "Ok, I'll cut all my other activities out so I can be with you."

 

Naturally, that made me feel worse, but also a little resentful that I immediately became the bad guy, and that's when words escalated a bit.

 

At one point, I regressed to my former (maybe not so former) tempermental self and said, "Find, just go then!" But he said no, he wanted to talk things out.

 

So we did, and realized he's a busy guy - he works 40 hours a week at a thankless, high pressure job, and so doesn't have the time that I do for extra curricular interests, etc. I work from home, and I have much more leisure time than he does. He has several interests, and naturally wants to spend time on those. But he also wants to spend time with me, and I could see how the argument started to stress him out about balancing all this stuff.

 

Long story short, we "made up" and agreed on two things:

 

1) He will be more realistic about estimating times he's coming over and work on balancing our relationship and his other activities. (He said relationships are about give and take, so this is something he wants to make sure we do.)

 

2) I will accept the fact that I can't see as much of him as I want. Please note that I offered this concession, because there's a bit of a pattern in my previous relationships that I was a little too demanding of my partner's time. I also love that my boyfriend is a bright and interesting guy with interests that he pursues and is good at.

 

What's bothering me is that even though we made up, it's clear the rosy viewed glasses are off, and we were both a little wary around each other today. I guess I'm always scared that conflict will lead to someone leaving me. I hate conflict. It's apparent my new boyfriend does too, because he was clearly upset and anxious, and stressed.

 

Any thoughts, suggestions, etc. on how to get past my feeling that this incident damaged things? And how to let go of my desire to spend a lot of time together? He does eat dinner with me and stay over just about every night. But after dinner, he often has to go to band practice or work on a piece of equipment since he also does electronics stuff. I feel I get bits and pieces of his time, but on the other hand, I know in my heart he's really extending himself to give me the time he does, and I'm appreciative of that. But last night, I wasn't - and I feel guilty.

[Mun]

I believe the best way to solve conflict, I used to do this at work, is to put yourself in the place of the other person. We'd have customers come in complaining about something and once we let them talk and offered to solve the problem the best we could, they would ease up.

Let him know you see where he is coming from on this. You know that sometimes he over extends himself and you appreciate it.

 

You've said it yourself, your boyfriend is a busy guy and you love him and love that he is an interesting personality. Let him know, again, that you love that. Then let him know that you value your time with him and that you just plain " miss him" when you aren't around him. Say it.

It sounds simple enough and it should deffuse the bad feelings. Showing yourself vulnerable like that often does, it's just so hard to do right?

[DN]

This is great and it is a good thing that it happened not a bad thing. The rose-colored glasses would have come off sooner or later anyway - but now you know that you two can handle conflicts well and sort them out so that both of you are reasonably happy. Nobody lost and so you both won.

 

I harp on about negotiation and compromise and that is exactly what you guys did - you should be celebrating!!

[Scout]

Thanks, guys. Your words give me a brighter perspective. I will try to put myself in his shoes when I get irked, and yes DN - negotiation is key.

 

But being the pessimist I am, I'm still a bit worried...his initial reaction did make me feel guilty, it seemed to heap all this responsibility on my head for being upset about something.

 

I wonder if the first conflict in a relationship is a recurring one.

[DN]

Only if you allow it to be.

 

The main thing is that the initial reaction from both of you was not the final resolution. Now work on controlling the initial reaction and all will be well. But everyone has a bad day or snaps at a partner sometimes, so don't be too concerned. As I sais, it's how things end up that really matters.

 

As for being a pessimist: this glass is not only not half empty - it is very nearly full.

[Mun]

I can see why you would be worried about his reaction...I'd say pay attention to the next time this happens. How he handles himself -and you, even when you are on his side and working with him rather than against. I guess he will reveal more of his character as you go along.

 

 

There's always bumps on the road, soon you will know where they are exactly...

[Scout]

You know what scares me the most about conflict in relationships? It's that, no matter how much the other person loves you, they will only be able to take so much of a recurring problem before their opinion of the relationship changes for the worse.

 

It sounds simple...correct the behavior in yourself that causes the problem (that is, if it's a problem caused by your behavior). But having struggled all my life with impatience and acting on my emotions too quickly, I fear I can't overcome this.

 

Of course, when I get that kind of fear, I overlook how far I've come in at least having fewer of these incidents and being able to check myself a little sooner.

 

Nevertheless, I'm starting to recognize that most people will never have endless patience for our bad qualities. You really have to work hard on yourself if you want a relationship to last.

[SeaBisquit]

I think you did the right thing. You let him know that you were upset. It would be nice to always get along in a relationship but I don't see that as always being possible. You shouldn't let go of how you really feel because you are afraid of conflict.

[Itsok]

That's one of the benefits and challenges of a relationship. Both of you have to become better people in order to have a stable relationship

 

Of course you'll feel wary now, you've had a minor grouch fest at one another, but that passes quickly and the two of you will become stronger for getting through it

 

It sounds like he is very kind and understanding, and very giving. You two reached a good compromise, way to go!

[Süsser Tod]

But being the pessimist I am, I'm still a bit worried...his initial reaction did make me feel guilty, it seemed to heap all this responsibility on my head for being upset about something.

 

 

 

Been there, done that. Sometimes I had to take a priority 1 call (emergency) and wouldn't be done until 2 or 3 hours past my shift!!! That by itself got me in a not very good mood, all the time thinking I should be out of there and by that time with my GF, and then coming home and she getting mad because of it... didn't helped at all.

 

Basically adds to the frustration and, might I say, anger, of having to spend more time than what you thought at work.

[avman]

Well one incident of conflict does not in itself make a recurring problem. It would have to occur again and again with no signs of changing or abating before you get to that level.

 

Some conflict in a relationship is normal. You are both two different people. It is natural that you will butt heads at some point over an issue that neither of you had thought might bother the other. That does not necessarily mean the relationship is over or that it won't be a healthy relationship. It's how you deal with the conflict that makes a difference.

 

Happy couples fight sometimes. But they work through the problems and emerge on the other end of the argument as happier people. Avoiding conflict doesn't work because the issue just gets buried. Then it becomes resentment. And THAT destroys a relationship.

 

Sounds like things are still progressing quite normally Scout. Just remember, count to 10 if you feel like blowing up next time!

[arwen]

Scout, what I am sensing here is that this that what you are experiencing here does not solely come from this relationship. There is hardly a pattern when you have one incident. It's just like when you have a brand new car, and the first scratch occurs.

 

As this incident is directly related to his work, I am sure the whole I-will-be-later-than-planned will occur again. And of course this frightens you, because you know you want to handle it differently. And you will. Make a good pattern out of it, and don't forget that you ARE entitled to your own needs. They are part of who you are.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Scout]

Happy couples fight sometimes. But they work through the problems and emerge on the other end of the argument as happier people. Avoiding conflict doesn't work because the issue just gets buried. Then it becomes resentment. And THAT destroys a relationship.

!

Thanks, Av, that kind of made me exhale my breath a bit. You're right, conflict is going to be inevitable, and sweeping it under the rug never, ever works.

 

I uh...hope my incident is helping anyone else who might have a similar dread of conflict, lol. There's some really insightful advice on here. Ilse, thanks for your words...definitely a good mix of I need to handle my approach in a healthy way that takes both of us into consideration.

[Scout]

This is great and it is a good thing that it happened not a bad thing. The rose-colored glasses would have come off sooner or later anyway - but now you know that you two can handle conflicts well and sort them out so that both of you are reasonably happy. Nobody lost and so you both won.

 

I harp on about negotiation and compromise and that is exactly what you guys did - you should be celebrating!!

 

Just a kind of follow up...DN, we actually did end up talking today about how well we handled this. He said "We have good conflict management skills."

 

As I said, yesterday morning we were a bit wary with each other. We ended up hanging out yesterday afternoon and night...went out for pizza and then drinks. We brought up the disagreement we'd had, basically we both apologized again, and I told him that after some thought, I put myself in his shoes (hee hee, not telling him where I got this brilliant idea...ahem...I love this site). Anyway, I said when I looked at the whole situation, I was probably being kind of petty, and he ended up saying he felt bad for one or two things he said, and that he took them back.

 

Today, I could tell he was anxious to get a piece of equipment for his band fixed, and I told him I needed to do some work at home, so he wouldn't feel bad about working on his project. He just called to say he wants to come by and see me before band practice, and also, that he'll come over again after practice. It's clear he tries hard to see me every day, despite having a busy scedule and other hobbies/interests.

 

This relationship is turning out to be the most healthy one I've ever had. I really, really appreciate everyone's kind advice, here. It has given me a new perspective on dealing with and moving on after conflict, and I can't thank you all enough.

[DN]

It's posts like that one that make it all worthwhile. I love it when that happens!!

[Mun]

I love it!! good job Scout

[arwen]

Just a kind of follow up...DN, we actually did end up talking today about how well we handled this. He said "We have good conflict management skills."

 

This relationship is turning out to be the most healthy one I've ever had. I really, really appreciate everyone's kind advice, here. It has given me a new perspective on dealing with and moving on after conflict, and I can't thank you all enough.

 

Ah, such great news. I totally understood your fear, Scout. These can be traces of past relationships, where conflicts led up to a break up. It's unevitable to feel that fear, but the conflict itself is also unevitable. You seem very happy, and I am glad to see so.

 

 

 

Ilse

[RayKay]

I agree with Avman here Scout, some conflict is normal. You are two individuals whom are learning about each other and figuring out how to work TOGETHER. If there was never any conflict, I would actually wonder if someone was sacrificing too much of whom they were just to keep the other person happy and keep the peace.

 

It's not that you fight, it's how you fight, that matters! Conflict in itself is a tool to learn about each other, and learn to work together if done correctly.

 

I posted recently about the findings of a long term study that analyzed couples early on in relationships and marriage, and was able to in the end predict if they would be together or apart in 5 years. The researchers were surprised to find they would be 100% accurate in their predictions. And they based these predictions on how the partners interacted with each other during conflict. They would give each couple a "hot topic" to discuss - finances, parenting etcetera - and watch how the couples discussed the issue and disagreements.

 

Those whom were still together and happy five years later were those whom LISTENED to one another, gave 5 positive comments in return for every more "negative" one (ie I don't like how you spank Billy, but I do think you are very great at teaching him, helping him with homework blah blah), they never criticized one another or attacked their feelings or called them names, swore at them, etc.

 

Those whom DID separate later, were those whom had 0.8-1 positive for every negative, whom did not listen to one another and talked above each other, criticized, called names, took on a defensive tone.

 

It sounds like you and your partner handled it very well Scout honestly. I think that "anxiety" is normal for those whom are not used to it or don't like conflict. Especially those whom grew up in households where parents fought behind closed doors only (my mother grew up like this and first time she ever fought with my dad, she thought it meant it was over!) and never learned proper conflict resolution skills. I HATE fighting with my partner, it leaves us both feeling crappy, even if we do resolve it successfully - because it sucks when you hurt the one you love, and feel hurt yourself, and it makes you reflect a lot!

 

Kiss and make up, and just realize that if you really handled it right, things will be fine...and you as a couple will be much stronger when you realize occasional conflicts will not destroy you as a couple...you no longer feel you are living in a glass house! And it won't be a recurring issue if you truly handle it, work it out together and come to a solution that has you BOTH feeling heard and respected.

[Scout]

Thanks, RayKay. You know, I'm really glad I posted this thread, because last night we had another heated debate: this time about world politics and religion! ARGHHHH...what was I thinking even bringing that subject up so soon after our first argument. However, we did start laughing that we had two in a row. He said we had many more similarities than differences, and that no matter our differences, our love was the dearest thing to him in his life. I was pretty touched by that, needless to say.

 

RayKay, did you happen to read the study you referred to in a book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink? It sounds similar. In that book, they actually referenced a young, upwardly mobile couple that came in and appeared to get along very well. They were mild, easy mannered, joked with each other, basically had a "life's just a breeze for us" aura. After studying them for an hour, the researchers came to the conclusion they'd be divorced within five years, lol. Apparently, underneath their banter, the researchers detected contempt for the husband on the part of the wife, and major resentment on the part of the husband.

[RayKay]

 

RayKay, did you happen to read the study you referred to in a book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink? It sounds similar. In that book, they actually referenced a young, upwardly mobile couple that came in and appeared to get along very well. They were mild, easy mannered, joked with each other, basically had a "life's just a breeze for us" aura. After studying them for an hour, the researchers came to the conclusion they'd be divorced within five years, lol. Apparently, underneath their banter, the researchers detected contempt for the husband on the part of the wife, and major resentment on the part of the husband.

 

No I actually read it in a magazine..cannot recall which one but it was one that focuses on women's fitness, health, that kind of thing. But yes, that is basically the way the study was too! That even those whom seemed "perfect" demonstrated some hints of a future divorce.

 

Very interesting indeed...again just shows that sometimes what we see on the outside is not what is really going on underneath. People always seem surprised when certain people split - "they were the ideal couple..never fought, were like teenagers in love" and that sort of thing - but my thought is well, it's not too surprising really. Sometimes all that "pookie wookiness" covers up some serious issues they are trying to ignore or hide.

 

I'll take that real, imperfect love where the flaws are recognized and conflict comes up over that I think! I have also seen other studies that talked about couples whom noticed and worked WITH their partners flaws, rather then passed them off as "cute" or tried to ignore them also were more successful in the long term.

[DN]

It's only fairly recently that couples became almost expected to agree on politics. Some years ago, it wasn't unusual for wives of leading politicians to vote differently than their husbands.

 

Providing the discussions are kept civil it can make for interesting evenings.

 

My best friend and I disagree politically and have some good arguments while sharing a beer or a bottle of wince.

[Echo]

Scout you offered me some REALLY awesome advice recently..which I wanted thank you for again To reply to YOUR post, I think you and your S.O. do seem to handle conflict effectively....you seem very level headed and fair as does he. You both seem to be able to admit the part you played in the "argument" and own responsibility. I think that is SO important. Pointing fingers NEVER solves anything.

 

I think as another poster said...putting yourself in your partners shoes and being empathetic is important too. Listen listen listen....when your partner is upset and needs to vent...allow them to vent without interruption...and practice "reflective listening". Let them know you understand where they are coming from, and that you respect their feelings. This is very important...as MOST people just want to feel understood and NOT judged for feeling a certain way.

 

Anyway..I really hope that helps!!

[Scout]

 

Scout you offered me some REALLY awesome advice recently..which I wanted thank you for again

 

Aww, thanks Echo! Glad to have helped, and thank you in return for your own advice. Reflective listening...I'll have to practice that in the mirror! Actually, it's a really concrete suggestion - and I'll put it into practice.