I feel like such a loser

[lostjeff]

In three weeks I will be 26 and will still be living with my parents. I have a few problems.

 

-I don't have a career yet to provide enouch income to live on my own

-I have too much debt (from school and car)

-I have few friends (I am writing this on friday night at home)

-I have no experience with the opposite sex, which concerns me greatly.

 

I work a lot, about 50 hours a week, at two different jobs (both dead end), and the good news is that I may get an internship in a respectable career soon, hopefully.

 

But my lack of relationships is killing me. Since I have few if any social engagements, I am watching my life slip by. I see myself growing older physically, not mentally. I haven't gone to or been invited to a party in 2 years. I have not kissed a girl and yet I have wanted a girlfriend badly, but on the other hand I look at myself and really don't see someone who could be in a relationship, since I still live at home and have few friends. Also I know that one must not be desperate, so I try to convince myself that I don't need a girlfriend, and focus on other things, like exercising. But I still have not had any girls. Sometimes I just go out by myself and walk around and shop on my own in different towns, like taking myself out on a date. This helps but of course doesn't produce any new relationships.

 

I am going to be 26 and I just cannot believe that I am in this situation, and it makes me severely depressed. It shows a severe lack of planning and maturity on my part, and yet I can attribute my failures partially on the fact that I have never really had adequate advice or role models, not even from my parents, who are comeplete loners and also have financial problems. I worry if something is wrong with me mentally since I just have so many problems forming relationships. I have to get away from them and this place but I can't because of my debt and lack of a career. I can't believe this is happening to me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

lostjeff - i just have to say that you sound like a great guy who has spent a lot of time working toward having great things to offer. I feel sad that you feel depressed about your situation. Society can sure put weird pressures on people to be at a certain place at a certain time when for most of us, those are so unrealistic.

 

As for girls, realtionships are intimidating. My husband tells me all the time that he was well into his 20's before he could talk to girls. He says he NEVER did in highschool. There are classes (improv ones work well) that can help with how to be more social.

 

Don't fell bad AT ALL for still living with your parents at 26! You've got plenty of time. I hope someone else offers you something more useful in the way of advice but I just don't want you to feel bad about your life. You're on your way. I think things will fall into place for you.

[CluelessGuy321]

OH MY GOD. I'm looking into a mirror.

 

I'm with you bro.

 

Almost 25. Never dated or ever kissed a girl. I work 64 hours a week for 2 jobs. Still live with parents. Debt is the only thing I don't have. I have tons of cash in the bank and in the markets and my car is an old hand me down that I'll drive until it blows up.

 

Same issues with me socially man. If you live around Southern California, we can exchange ideas.

 

 

Here's one thing though:

 

I have a friend. A complete DORK/Nerd/Geek, but he always has a girlfriend. He's not the prettiest man I've ever seen, but you cannot discourage him. If he is rejected, he moves on like it was nothing. If only we could have that steel mentality...

He invites me to dances all the time though but I never go.

[tomservo]

Hey man,

 

I'm in the exact same boat as you.

 

First, don't let your lack of social interaction and experience get you down. I have to tell you, you sound exactly like me. Except I'm almost 27 and have almost no experience with the opposite sex. I've been on just a few dates (and only in the past year) but I've never had a girlfriend. I don't really have that many close friends either. At least not ones that I see and talk to and hang out with regularly.

 

I blame my parents for this in a way. I've always been really shy and they never really pushed me to be more outgoing. I wish they had. What really sucks is I know I'm a cool, funny, attractive guy but the years of (self)ostracizing has made me extremely depressed and I often feel like I'm not worthy of being loved or even liked. And when someone does like me and appreciates me, I ruin it by having these negative thoughts. As soon as a little problem shows up, or someone seems to be ignoring me (which they're not) I freak out and think that they hate me or something. And since I'm so undeveloped in the realm of socialization I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to express my feelings. It sucks. Dating is tough for guys like us because we haven't ben equipped with the necessary social skills. I often feel like I'm about 10 years behind in life. Where I am right now, emotionally, mentally, socially etc, is where I should have been ten years ago.

 

I finally moved out of my parents' house about three years ago after spiraling into the (second) worst depression of my life. For about three years before that all I did was sleep. I had no job. No friends. Nothing. Then I just decided that I had enough. I pulled myself up, moved out, got a job (my first one actually. at the age of 24), and got back in school. I even met a girl at work and we became friends. We went out a few times, but my shyness, depressin, and lack of social skills ruined it. I became incredibly depressed. The worst depression of my life. And I'm still crawling out of it. I've lost over 40 pounds and I'm extremely bitter and have a lot of resentment towards her. We were pretty good friends, and she would like to remain friends, but it's hard for me. I'm trying really hard to get back out there and actually start asking girls out, but it's hard.

 

Sorry to unload all of my problems on you, but I just want you to realize that you're not alone in your situation. The point I'm trying to make is that at this point, the only thing you (and I) can do is just suck it up, and realize that we can't go back and learn all of these social skills that we need to. It's easier for, say, 16 year olds to be awkward and shy and mess up with girls, but 26 year olds are expected to have some experience and know what they're doing. This really sucks! I don't know how shy you are, but for me it's nearly impossible to ask a girl out. Or even talk to one! I've gotten a lot better, but it's still tough.

 

The name of the game is confidence. I'm sure you've heard this over and over, but it's the truth. You just gotta project an aura of happiness and confidence. Looks really don't mean ANYTHING. My best quality is my sense of humor. I'm not going to be modest here, I'm freakin' hilarious. It's what attracts people to me. (I also like to think I'm very cute and adorable as well, but...) I can be pretty witty and charming when I'm not shy and awkward. I try to focus on this and it works most of the time. Sadly, my depression and low self-esteem kind of overwhelm my sense of humor sometimes. You just have to find something great about yourself that you can focus on.

 

You really sound like a cool guy, and believe me, there are tons of girls out there that won't care that you've never had a girlfriend, or that you're still living with your parents, or whatever else you've convinced yourself is a stumbling block. Because that's what it is, you've convinced yourself that these things are what's keeping you from being happy and getting the things that you want out of life. But really, the only thing that has done that is a lack of confidence. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to find a girl that will like you for who you are. Everyone else is deserving, so what makes you different? Nothing.

 

Just remember, life is fun! It really is! What makes it not fun and so depressing is our negative and pessimistic thinking. It's taken me a long time, but I am now a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. It makes all the difference in the world.

[tomservo]

By the way, I didn't mean to imply that you aren't an attractive guy or anything. I have no idea! You might be a male model for all I know! I was just saying that you could be a male model and without confidence you'd have little chance of getting girls. Well, maybe a slightly better chance than most guys, but you get my point.

[ocrob]

You are not going to meet a woman, if you don't put in the effort. Maybe when you are out shopping you should start talking to a few. Even if you don't ask them out, it may give you more confidence. I know a lot of people on here are against it, but I would suggest online dating. It is a very easy way to meet people and the rejection is so much more bareable. You can meet a woman online and talk by e-mail at first and then on the phone. I would give it a try. It can't hurt.

[tomservo]

That's good advice. I'd definitely recommend an online dating site even if you don't want to actually date anybody on there. Just "approaching" someone and talking to them will help out a lot.

[teacup]

ironic. im your age. im a girl. i live with my parents. i dont have a career yet. im working at a internship. i dont have debt. i've kissed a lot of losers and been abused by nasty jerks. (can't really call them men because they lack real humanity). because of the abuse, i didnt even talk to ppl for years and years. i cant believe that i dont have any good friends. i know a ton of rotten ppl though. i hate myself like hell because of what i've been through but ironically if not for all this, i would be a great person.

 

i feel like a loser too. geez, i dont think that helps.

 

the only thing i want to say is....always treat girls like a gentleman and dont abuse them.

 

did i mention im dating a 37 year old alcoholic who drinks too much beer?

[CluelessGuy321]

ironic. im your age. im a girl. i live with my parents. i dont have a career yet. im working at a internship. i dont have debt. i've kissed a lot of losers and been abused by nasty jerks. (can't really call them men because they lack real humanity). because of the abuse, i didnt even talk to ppl for years and years. i cant believe that i dont have any good friends. i know a ton of rotten ppl though. i hate myself like hell because of what i've been through but ironically if not for all this, i would be a great person.

 

i feel like a loser too. geez, i dont think that helps.

 

the only thing i want to say is....always treat girls like a gentleman and dont abuse them.

 

So, what you doing for dinner tomorrow? Want to go out?

[teacup]

that's like asking to light a barrel of oil on fire.

[teacup]

okay, i finally thought of something comforting to say.

 

you know what? dont worry about not having a woman. because women are trouble. with like a big capital T. women are giant headaches, migraines...big throbbing thorns in your side.

 

i know because i personally create havoc for men everywhere i go. you ever heard of hurricane teacup? well, now you have. so....mabe count it as one less problem you have. you know?

otherwise you might end up on enotalone posting about gf problems and that's never pretty.

[krissbrown]

I dont think living with your parents at 26 is so bad. As long as their cool, most people are saving money at that age and into their early 30s.

[_Tiki_]

Wow I felt like the only one who has a non existing love life and living with parents etc..

 

I've been through so much **** with ex boyfriends and so called friends that I've lost all trust in people and I also became more shy. I haven't dated in 5 years and I have a few guys interested in me, but my inferior complex kicks in or I have to ask myself if they really want to be with me or are they just wanting to get laid?

 

I was depressed, but I really worked hard to get my life back on track and trying to gain some self love and build up some confidence so I can find a decent boyfriend in the future.

 

Don't give up! because as soon as you drop the negitive self beliefs and gain some self love and try different things and going to different places you'll increase your chances of finding someone.

[Caldus]

While I have dated and all, I have never really had much of a real social life. So I can relate to a lot of you guys. For the last maybe 2 or 3 years I rarely hung out socially because I had no one to hang out with. I have a ton of acquaintances at my university but rarely hang out with people outside of school. I don't mind most of the time these days, but sometimes it gets to me that it is Saturday night and here I am still alone in front of the computer. I've been trying to join clubs and just meet random people in classes, etc. but I think I am beginning to realize that the problem is with the way I present myself to people. I am so shy and ackward when I first meet people (but not really afterwards). So if I am trying to meet new people it just doesn't work out well. I would suggest that all of you head to the gym and build some confidence. It's fun yet it's productive for your own physical and mental health. Things should work out over time for all of us hopefully. Good luck!

[CluelessGuy321]

Seems to work well for the animals.

[Caldus]

What do you mean?

[lostjeff]

Thanks guys for the helpful advice...I saw a few cute girls on yahoo personals and I am going to try thier free 7 day trial period and see If I can make anything happen. I have to break this terrible curse I have...I am living a cold existence without a social life.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

oh hun don't let society's pressures get to you. lifes so much more than just the people around you. finding yourself can be just as amazing an experience, trust me. with time and perserverance a very lucky lady will meet you, and she'll be right for you at that moment in your life. just can't pressure those sort of things to happen.

[fantasia2004]

I feel ike a true loser I lost my wallet my my ex my friends my self esteem my lucky dime, and my mind, and my sanity, and my everything. I lost the lottery too.

[knglerxt]

What if you already have confidence in the way you look? What then?

[Caldus]

Good question, because I already have that same confidence too. I don't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was ugly. Yet I am still somewhat shy and ackward around new people. It's strange, I know.

[not_cool]

i just got rejected by a girl yesterday. i was feeling so sad, so i googled 'i am a loser' and got this link. may be i was trying to find if there is anyone like me out there or if I am the worst one

 

i am 28, doing my phd in a good school in engineering-thats all the good i've got to say about myself. everything else is soo not cool. I have never kissed a girl. my self confidence is always below zero. Reason for this low self-esteem is my sort of dorky looks. But I feel my primary obstacle to a successful relation is my lack of social skills. I was too shy to ask girls out in my teens. Then I decided I would be bold and ask girls out no matter what. And so far 2/3 rejections have made me more depressed. My confidence gone negative.

 

I have no social skills. I dont talk much among people, becos I found that I have knack of saying the wrong things at the wrong time.

 

I met this girl in a speeddating. so we went out on the first date. She is a nice lady about my age. We talked for about 3 hours. That whole night I thought about her after going home. Then next day I left her a message asking her out again. And she called me back saying she was seeing her ex boyfriend again so can't go out with me anymore.

 

Now i am hurting so much, that I have decided to give up looking for girlfriend. I am just not good enough for it.

 

a lonely heart is much better than a broken heart.

[flower_in_the_wind]

I'm a 32 woman and I still live at home with my mother – who I mostly despise.

I've never held down job.

I've never had a boyfriend (been on dates with losers), and I've barely any friends to speak of.

So I know how it is to feel like a total loser.

 

I think that as someone previously mentioned – you (and I, and everyone!) deserve to be happy.

There is no difference between me and the girl I see walking down the street hand in hand with a man that loves her – the difference is only in my head – I don't think I deserve to be loved.

 

I think we need to learn to love our selves.

 

And we shouldn't place so much expectation on ourselves; I think there's a perception that if we're not perfect no one will want us.

But no one is perfect, are they.

 

Look at any celebrity-say Brad Pitt and Jen, they've all got their perfect bodies and millions, but they are not perfect humans beings. They still * * * * up and experience misery.

 

Everyone just wants to be loved.

And everyone deserves to be loved – before they die.

 

We must be willing to TRY…

[Caldus]

You're right. I think it's because we have humongous expectations for ourselves (at least I do), and it makes me forget how to just enjoy who I am now and enjoy the life I do have, even if I don't really have any friends to hang out with.

[iforgot87871]

I've never asked out a girl. I've never kissed a girl. For a long time, I was completely hopeless.

 

My psychologist has recently taught me a system that makes it easier to approach women. I'm learning more and more from him, my friends, and my observations, that looks actually are not everything. It's funny, because I used to always here that n think it was a cliché. But it's actually true.

 

My psychologist told me about how his not-attractive friend always had more success with girls than his other friend, who was the typical "player" type.

 

He said this was because his one friend knew the girls he had a chance with.

 

How? It starts with eye contact. My psychologist explained, there are the follwing steps: eye contact, personal greeting, build familiarity, small talk, personal talk. These are the steps. At these steps a girl will give u either a red light or a green light.

 

Eye contact: green: that kind of eye contact that just feels right, u think, hmm, for some reason that didn't feel awkward, it felt right.

red: she looks away quickly/ turns head away fast.

 

The rest are more self-explanatory. I have still not had success with any girls, but I have been looking around a lot more. Always look around. This is the first step. If you are afraid to open your mouth, which I have experienced too, I suggest looking around at girls. If a girl has some interest in u, which does NOT only go towards "hunks," then the eye contact will feel "right." From there, take it a step further.

 

I feel that eye contact is the bridge between silence and vocal communication.

It can at times be awkward if u get a red light, but its a lot easier than being rejected from a more sudden and large-scale attempt to get a girl's attention. I think this will help me, and help all of you.

 

I figure u guys are sick of hearing about self-help books, but one has helped me so f'ing much that I have to recommend it. Its called "The Success Principles," by Jack Canfield. The only book that I feel can help u change yur life significantly. If u wana check it out before buying it, read the rejection section. It is superb, and should at least get your thoughts to eventually change. Acting on them will take a bit longer.

 

And as for awkwardness, I've so been there. I've been struggling with it my entire life. I hate it so much. so much. I understand that feeling when it seems like there's nobody. No one will open up to anyone. I know that feeling.

 

My psychologist has taught me about cognitive therapy. This is the process of evaluating yur thoughts. You ask yurself am I feeling and why? u must be truthful. The ENTIRE thing is based on TRUTH. Once u analyze yur thought, then u must ask yurself whether it is accurate. Base it solely on objective fact. I think u will find that yur thoughts are a lot worse than the situation is most of the time.

 

Do u have these ideas that girls just aren't interested in you? Some are. I swear it. I know yur thinking, "yeah but its different with me." NO IT'S NOT! I know it sounds like a sick joke in yur head, but its not. u actually are dateable. I SWEAR on my life its true. It made no sense to me either. "why would ANYONE want to date me?" I guess I have no experience to prove that, but everyone who is smart and experienced has told me that.

 

Good luck to all of you. I will come back here again and again. My final suggestions are music and exercise. Not necessarily to look better, and not necessarily running. It can be walking. Push ups every night for a week gave me a lot more energy, strangely enough . . .

 

 

And lastly, a lonely heart is NOT better than a broken one. It really is true. I have immense respect for all of you who have tried, because I haven't. Rejection is technically not a loss. You never had it to begin with! Ever thought about it that way?