Almost 5 years, and she just leaves me

[barnettac]

Hi my name is Chris

 

I've been married for almost 5 years and I have 3 lovely boys that I love very much. I'm in the military and have been away from home for awhile. I guess this started around 2 years ago from what she tells me. After our 2nd son was born she started to feel that she has lost that connection with me. She never told me till about a week ago. When we got up here to Alaska I encouraged her to get a part time job to help pay the bills and get out of the house for a change. About 3 weeks ago I noticed that she wasn't coming home on time. Of course I was worried and would stay up waiting till she got home. She worked from 5-midnight btw. When she came home I had a talk with her that I was worried and would apprietiate a phone call if she gonna go hang out with her friends after work, for my piece of mind. She agreed and it just happened over and over again. Finally I got her a cell phone so there were no more exuses for not letting me know where she was. Well she still never called, so I started to get upset cause I was starting to loose trust on where she was going. So I tested it and told her that I wanted her to come home ontime cause I wanted to spend some time together. Sure enough she didn't come home. The next day on my lunch break I came home to talk to her to find out why she was doing this all of a suddin. She said she was sorry, and then out of the blue tells me that she needs some time apart. I asked her why and she told me that she doesn't feel the same way for me that she used too, ever since our second son was born. She said she doesn't want to live with a lie and stay in my home, and that the kids will be unhappy cause she's with me. Utterly shocked, I wanted to know why this was happening all of a sudden. Finally I get what I feared it was. She met a guy, she said it wasn't serious and she never cheated on me in anyway, but they expressed feelings for each other and it made her realize that she was unhappy with me. She told me shes not with him and not gonna be with him, and told me it wasn't my fault and that it would have happened to me regardless of what I could have changed between us. My heart smashed into a million pieces I let go and begged her to stay. I told her we could go to counceling and work on this as a couple and we could get the spark back that she missed. In a emotionless face she told me theres no way she could get those feelings back for me. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I thought about it and decided to give her what she wanted without fighting and sent her and the kids back to our hometown so she could think. Meanwhile her and my parents were shocked at what happened and cant believe it cause we always seems so happy, which in my mind I thought we were. A few days go by and we talk and she tells me its over.

 

I dont understand why she doesnt want to try to save this marraige and our Family we have together. My hearts broke, cause I love her more than I ever have, and she's showing me no sympothy or emotion to this whole thing. Her parents think she just needs time and she will realize whats she thinking. So for now I sit 2k miles away from everything I love and wait, and hope. I come home after work and see there pictures on the wall and there beds and I break down every night. I see no end to it. I told her that I love her and that she can come back if she ever wants to work on this. Now im just waiting to see if she's actually gonna file papers or come home. I want to save this marraige be with the one I said forever to. I dont know how to deal with the pain, I'm so lonely up here and this house depresses me. Its the worst feeling Ive ever had. I love her so much regardless of how much she steps on my heart. I see no end to it.

[red10]

I'm am so sorry for what has happened - sometimes others don't realize what they have until it's gone (talking about her, of course!) You have got to hang in there and be strong. Have you 2 ever thought of counseling? it works for some couples....I'm sorry I can't give you better advice, but I can tell you I know how much it hurts right now, but you need to remember to take care of yourself during this time. It sounds like she may just be confused and just needs a break - which isn't what you want to hear, but something you need to respect. I wish you the best, and your kids.

 

In the meantime, use this forum to help you, you will see that many people are in pain, whatever their situation is, it still hurts no matter what. Hang in there!

[bouldersweden]

Holy cow.

I'm really sorry man. There's nothing any of us can say that's going to make this better. I don't know if you're a religious man, but this is something that I have hanging on my wall. Sometimes it's just enough to get me out of bed in the morning. "I know the plans I have for you declairs the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I know it's not much. But this is all I have in the world and I hope, maybe, it can get you out of bed in the morning. Good luck.

[barnettac]

I was able to get her to one session, but the guy only talked about the kids more than the marraige. Couldn't get her to go back.

[kuhl282000]

Hey Chris

 

I'm really sorry you are having to go through what must be hell for you right now. Either way my enotalone friend life does go on and so will you. She was trying to let you down easy and either way it would not be easy for anyone. As hard as it seems right now you have to press on my friend.

You loved, you took a chance and you trusted and you lost. Don't count on anything right now from her at all. She has to be feeling really guilty for the hurt and damage she has caused. They normally don't come running back if that is the case, so don't get your hopes up. If I were you I would find a way to move and start fresh, so your not reminded everyday. And old saying goes like this....some people come into our lives and they stay for a short period of time, some stay a little longer. But very few stay forever. You gave it all you had, and your best shot. How do you fight deception, well you really can't. You tried and it did not work out, and you have to dust yourself off and get back in the game of life my friend. After alll the hurt and pain goes away and it will in time. You will come to find out later on it was her loss all along.

 

Rest my friend you must be weary, stay busy and don't do anything stupid.

Get yourself a good lawyer and get custody of the kids if those are your wishes. Take care of you right now, and the kids.

 

Hang in my friend, it will get better. Most of us have been where you are at right now, and we know it was not a very fun place. Time will heal the wounds it always does even if you are blinded by the hurt right now.

 

God Bless

Kuhl

[barnettac]

Honestly how much am I looking at if we get one? And should I ask for anything more than joint custody? She's a good mother and I would never want to take her kids away

[DN]

Honestly how much am I looking at if we get one? And should I ask for anything more than joint custody? She's a good mother and I would never want to take her kids away

 

Are you a good father? She has taken your kid away from you without a backwards glance. Don't fall into the trap of thinking kids belong with their mother - they belong just as much with you.

 

I am a father and I would never have given them up without a fight had it ever come to that.

 

And don't fall into that other trap of thinking that if you let her have what she wants, including custody of your kids, that she will come back to you.

[dishrag]

Hi Chris - I'm in the same court minus children. Why do the women we love do this to us? Why do other guys think it's OK to exploit their feelings acting like they really care when all they do is want our woman? We'll never know, but we'll constantly be walked all over and be hurt.

[barnettac]

My situation on that is a little different I think. I feel that I somehow caused my wife to look for those feelings somewhere else. See I made a mistake and didn't give her as much attention as she needed. Of course at the time I didn't realize it either. As for the guy, I'm damn sure he was in it not cause he wanted to run away with her, but that she was vulnerable and he could take advantage of the situation. I'm just thankful nothing went beyond feelings for him. Right now we are taking 6month break before filing for divorce. In that time I'm gonna do my best to show her I can be the man she wants to be with the rest of her life, and support her as a friend if she wants it. I still love her. Ppl ask me why, the best anwser I can come up with, is I love her because of her. I just do, I love her as a whole. I miss my kids so much too. They are already asking where I'm at and why I'm not on a plane to see them. I feel real bad and am gonna have to tell them whats going on real soon.

[NJRon]

I was in the same situation as you, minus the children. You will feel differennt down the road. Get to an attorney now to be advised. You don't have to necessarily act on anything, but start protecting yourself now. The more you can feel secure in your position, the more you can offer.

 

There's nothing wrong with loving her or being her friend. I think that is great and noble. But, business is business. Get the papers filed in *your* state.