Back to friendship - are we on the right track?

[confused in germany]

This guy and I have been dating exclusively for 2 months. A couple days ago we had a very open and honest talk about us and we both decided that it's better to be friends for now. He already told me a while ago that he still isn't ready to fully committ again and can't give 100% right now since he broke up with his ex 5 months ago (they were together for 2 years) and hasn't been single for the last 8 years. I thought I could handle the situation and we said we would just take things slowly. However, everytime we saw each other after that I felt that he was holding back which made me hold back in return. I like him so much and I always want to be around him but I realized that I couldn't really be myself because of that situation and it was killing me.

 

So I told him that I thought I can handle the situation but that I realized I can't. He told me that if he would just listen to his heart then it would be clear to him but his head tells him that he's not ready yet. He took my hand and was holding it all the time while he told me very personal things. He said that he's falling in love with me but he doesn't want to ruin things cause he isn't totally emotionally available yet. He's worried that if things go on that way, it would drive me away from him cause he's walled-up sometimes. We agreed that we should stop having romantic dinners, sleeping together, etc. It was very sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. He also said that he doesn't want to date other people again and that this is only about us and about getting to the point where he can have a serious relationship with me and not about wanting to date other people again. He also made me promise him that if in a while from now I think that I can't do the friendship thing anymore and it's either all or nothing for me, that I won't just walk away from him and disappear but that I will tell him so that he can do something about it.

 

In the end he looked me deeply in the eyes and told me that he really likes me and that he knows he can't expect me to wait for him but he said "Please don't give up on me yet". The way he said it was so intense and he almost looked teary-eyed. I was totally moved. I told him that I really like him too and I don't want to give up on him. It was the most intense moment we ever had. He said that this was all he needed to know.

 

We hung out at a cafe yesterday, had a great time as always but it was hard for me to be just friends. When I said goodbye he wanted to give me a little kiss but I turned away and just hugged him even though all I really wanted was to kiss him. We'll keep hanging out (he asked me if I want to do sth tonight) but I'm going to miss being close to him so much. Well, if I really can't do it then I'll call him and tell him like he made me promise him.

 

He is the first guy I ever met where I think he could be the one and I want to do things right. I think my obsession and being in love with him is turning into love and I don't want to lose him. I'm wondering if I should really act like a friend now, give him a lot of space and hope that he will miss me and that this will make him get over his past faster, or if I should keep in touch a lot and show him every once in a while that I care about him and remind him of what he's missing. I want to give him time but I don't want to risk losing him.

 

Any advice for me? Does it sound like he's serious and there is a chance? Sometimes I think if he really liked me that much he would be ready already but then again he takes relationships very seriously and wants to be completely over his past and be 100% emotionally available.

[NJRon]

I think if there's ever a time I would believe someone who gave that story, this would be it. Only you can tell if he is sincere, but, from your post, you make it sound like he is. He doesn't seem to be making any ultimatums and is leaving it totally up to you how long you are willing to wait. If you are comfortable with that (even though I am sure it is difficult) then I say go for it. Just keep your eyes open, but give him plenty of space. If he is trying to get himself together, then more contact will be counterproductive.

[friscodj]

Tough situation for sure, one I've been on both sides of before...

 

This guy sounds very confused and conflicted, and from experience I can tell you there are few things more frustrating and torturous than being in love with someone who doesn't know what is going on with themselves...it sounds like he is trying to have a relationship with you, but that he isn't over his last relationship, and is fighting this conflict...

 

If you continue on this track with this guy, I see a lot of frustration and pain in your future. You've got to let this guy go figure himself out on his own. I don't think a friendship would be good for the two of you right now because of your feelings for him. Give him space and live your own life...I'd let this one go...and if it comes back to you...it was meant to be...just don't expect for that to happen...

 

I am concerned about what you describe as "obsession" with him. That isn't healthy...where do you think your feelings for him come from?????

 

I'm sure you've heard the old adage regarding relationships, "Timing is everything." That is ultimately the case here...and the timing is bad. Give him space...that's all you can do right now really besides hurting yourself being "friends-but-really-wanting-more" with this man...and being a martyr going through the pain and frustration of getting caught up in his issues isn't the way to go...

[ocrob]

Is there a reason why you can't date each other casually? I only say that because maybe it is the label that is freaking him out. If he is not dating other people, then why not get rid of the label and date casually as you do when you first meet someone. I have a feeling that if you lifted the pressure from him, then you both could have such a great time together. I am sure that if you started dating other guys, it would freak him out. See if you can try the dating thing. If you see that he is not giving you his time or you don't feel appreciated, then end it.

[RayKay]

Did you ever find out where those used condoms that were in the envelope came from that you found after you had been away for a bit?

I don't know sweetie, I read your last post, and I am not so sure this guy is the most honest person at this point in his life.

 

Be leery of people whom say they don't want to get involved as they may hurt you....they are pretty much saying "I am going to hurt you".

[melrich]

It's a very difficult situation to read. It certainly sounds as though there is still some hope for the two of you. My inclination would be to not see each other as much (in part because I think that it makes things hard for you) but stay in touch with each other casually, maybe through phone calls every couple weeks.

[friscodj]

Be leery of people whom say they don't want to get involved as they may hurt you....they are pretty much saying "I am going to hurt you".

 

Amen to that...

[NJRon]

You know, RayKay's post snapped me to attention, so I went back and read your previous posts. Something is awfully odd... I don't even want to know about the condoms.

 

Regardless, this guy was in a relationship with someone for 2 years, about 5 months ago, and he doesn't feel ready to really move on yet. You guys dated for a month, during which time he was really busy with work so I'm not sure how often you saw each other. You get back from a one month long vacation and you are exclusive (not sur eif this was right before or after the vacation). then, a week or so later, you two talk and he tells you that he wants to be just friends, but doesn't want eitrher of you dating and wonders if you're ok with that.

 

friscodj and I just went back and forth on some red flags that we decided, if we heard again, we would stop-drop-and-roll. I believe "I am going to hurt you" is pretty darn close to what we had listed as a red-flag alert.

 

Something is definitely fishy here. I seriously think that, if he wants to just be friends and can't commit, then that's what you should be. You should be free to see who you want. Frankly, I would be a little leery about seeing this guy at all after reading your previous posts. You don't really have a lot invested in this relationship right now and it may be better just to move on before it gets harder.

[RayKay]

Glad my very unstructured, incorrect sentence snapped you to attention NJRon

 

 

I agree completely though, given the time invested and the "fishiness"....there are an awful lot of red flags in a short amount of time.

[confused in germany]

Thanks for your answers!

 

First of all, the condom thing: He slept with a girl during that month when I was gone but back then we were just caually dating. I assumed we were exclusive and I learned from that mistake. He told me about it himself when we had the exclusive talk and I didn't even have to ask. He also thought that I was seeing other people while I was gone. So I thought about it for a while and then it was ok for me.

 

@ocrob: I haven't thought about that yet. It might be a good idea to go back to casual dating. It really would take the pressure off. Maybe I should ask him how he feels about that.

 

One more question for you guys: My intuition tells me that he is serious about it and wants a relationship with me at some point in the future. However, sometimes it's hard for me to understand how he can take a step back if he likes me so much and I think that if he liked me so much he would be ready to move on. He does take relationships very seriously but still. Does this whole "I need time to get over it" thing after 5 months make sense to you?

[NJRon]

That's a hard call. Everyone is different. I guess the thing that is throwing me is that he slept with someone else (I can understand how, doing that once, you realize that maybe you made a mistake and really like someone else) so then he decided that he wanted to be exclusive with you... then he backed off. He really just sounds totally confused right now. I think it would be in your best interest to move on and let him get himself together. Maybe down the road you two can try again... but right now, maybe you should cut all ties.

 

If you go to casual dating, that is just going to exacerbate the confusion and draw out his healing process. What he is asking of you is that you wait for him. So, if you want that wait to be as short as possible, then you shouldn't see each other. And, if you want him to be sincere, then you need to be moving on and, potentially, seeing other people. Whether you do or not is your call, but there shouldn't be rules.

 

In all... very tough situation and I feel for you... wish there were a crystal ball

[friscodj]

I'll refer you to my question posed earlier: "What is it about this guy that attracts you to him so much?" I think from that answer, I can offer some better advice...

 

But yeah, from the sound of things, even having a friendship with this guy would be hard on you since you have such feelings for him. This whole situation sounds like trouble to me and I think you should really examine your motivations here...

[friscodj]

If you go to casual dating, that is just going to exacerbate the confusion and draw out his healing process.

 

Yep. And you'd be setting yourself up to be used...with all the pieces are there for that to happen too...he's wishy-washy, just got out of a serious relationship, wants to be with you but doesn't, you're crazy about him, etc.

 

Man, I wish I had this clarity in my own relationships...

[NJRon]

Man, I wish I had this clarity in my own relationships...

 

I really think the problem occurs only when you happen to actually like the person you are trying to have a relationship with. I find that when you don't care about them... it's pretty easy to make the right decision.

[friscodj]

I really think the problem occurs only when you happen to actually like the person you are trying to have a relationship with. I find that when you don't care about them... it's pretty easy to make the right decision.

 

Amen to that...and what is that called..."love blinders" or something?????

[confused in germany]

It's over.

 

He just called me and told me that he needs to talk to me in person when he comes back from a weekend trip on Sunday evening. I asked him good or bad cause I already knew what it was about. We talked a bit on the phone then. He said that he feels things are awkward and he realized that he can't go on like this. It's either all or nothing for him and he isn't ready for "all" right now. He said that if he was ready for a new relationship it would be with me but he isn't ready right now.

 

So we're going to talk on Sunday but it's practically over already. I'm so shocked. I thought that I had finally found the right guy and I'm totally in love with him.