What do they want from me?

[rachel1571]

Hi,

 

I ended my 4 year relationship 4 months ago and after an initial bumpy start both my ex and I are good friends. Finally! I ended the relationship for several reasons, one being my attraction to another woman. Annie although was telling me how much she liked me, said that she didn't want a relationship as her life was so complicated. She has a son, very stressful job and family issues. I took this onboard and relaxed into being friends.

 

I started going online again and started chatting to a woman that I met in a chat room, there was an instant connection between us. We talked every day several times a day and into the early hours of the morning. I was blissfully happy! The problem was that Julie was ending her relationship with her gf of 16 months, we agreed to meet and it was disasterous! I was painfully shy and she kept talking about her ex and trying not to cry. I had told Annie that I was talking to Julie and that we were meeting up, she said that she hoped it worked out. After the meeting with Julie didn't go great I was pretty devastated because she had taken up so much space in my life, I felt her absense keenly. Annie rang me to see how it went and was suitably sympathetic, she was making a real effort to stay in touch, something she wasn't great at before!

 

Any way Julie got in touch, saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship that it was too soon for her. Which I agreed with but she still wanted to be friends. It was uncomfortable at first and I did really struggle with it as I was extremely attracted to her and had very strong feelings. But time passed and i was coping better with it, again we were talking every day several times a day and were talking into the early hours of the morning as well as meeting up every now and again. I was still very attracted to her and hoped that things would change but she made a point of telling me that we were good friends and nothing more.

 

So I was invited over to Annie's for the evening, she seemed nervous when I arrived and then when her son went to bed she started telling me how hurt she was that I was talking to Julie. That one of her main reasons for holding off was that she wanted to make sure that I was properly over my ex before she asked me out! So when I told her I was talking to Julie she knew that I was and felt like she had missed out, now that she knew that Julie and I were just friends. She wanted to start seeing me. I was shocked to say the least! That previous night I had been on the phone to Julie until 6am and then she called me back at 11.30am and we talked to each other most of the day, as she knew that i was going over to Annie's the whole time I was on the phone I kept hoping that she would give me some sign that she wanted more from me than friendship. It didn't happen.

 

So I agreed to start seeing Annie, I stayed over that night and things esculated and we ended up having sex. I was a little shocked that I had done it as this is not like me at all! I felt really strange the next morning, as if I had cheated or something, Annie had plans that day so I left. She pushed a note into my hand that expressed very deeply what she felt for me, I was very touched.

 

I went home and called Julie, but she wasn't taking my calls, she agreed to meet me online but was very curt. Then she didn't talk to me for 3 days, in that time I saw Annie once and was really starting to come round to the idea of being with her.

 

Julie confessed 3 days later that she had been devastated when I told her that Annie and I were together and that we had slept together. She behaved as if I cheated on her, was extremely angry and it didn't matter how many times I told her that she had said that we were friends and nothing more it didn't register with her. She said that I should have known because of the way we were talking all the time!

 

So here's my problem Julie is 40 a catholic and still hasn't told her mum that she is gay and is living at home due to ill health and is clearly struggling with her sexuality. She says that she has very deep feelings for me but still needs time to heal from her previous relationship.

 

Annie is 30 has a son, is very comfortable with her sexuality and is very tactile in public, she has complicated life, very abusive past which still reverbs into her present. She can be very distant at times and only sees me at weekends so far.

 

In my heart of hearts I know that Annie is the better choice and I love spending time with her when we are together, that it would be a much more fulfilling relationship in many ways, even though so far we only seem to see each other at weekends. Everything feels so easy and good with Annie and she's touches me on so many levels. But I can't get Julie out of my head even though, she tells me that she cares deeply for me and wants me she's not ready. Part of me thinks that it would be easier for me to just cut Julie out of my life as I feel that it's just a complication that she will never know what she wants. But I miss her so much when we don't talk.

 

I feel churned up all the time and one thing that really gets to me is neither of these women said they were interested until they knew about the other. I made the decision last week to commit to Annie 100%, again Julie said that she wanted us to stay friends that she felt like it was the right choice, then it esculated and she stopped talking to me again! We are talking now, but I don't know what she wants from me. I'm just so tired of feeling so bad all the time!

 

Anyone with any advice or similar situation get in touch. I really need to hear other opinions other than my family's!

[helpneeded]

u have not cheated on Julie, so there is no need to feel guilty because u're with Annie. but seeing as you feel so bad about it...then perhaps Annie isn't the one?

 

I think u should ask Julie directly what she wants from u, she may be expecting to get u back and away from being with Annie. or she may genuinely not want to lose your friendship. either way, it's best u ask and find out.

[rachel1571]

thanks helpneeded for taking the time to respond.

 

I have tried to ask Julie time and time again how she feels but she is unwilling to talk about it most of the time and is more intent on sounding me out than telling me how she feels. We talked last night but I was getting texts from Annie, the second one I got she just tutted and said that she wanted to go and hung up on the phone.

 

I'm bewildered as to what this woman wants from me everytime i think that we have settled it, something else happens to spark things off. Julie is not talking to me again and is unwilling to discuss how she feels, so i'm going to give her space and wait for her to contact me.

 

I'm seeing Annie this weekend and i'm looking forward to it, would have liked to maintain the friendship with Julie but the longer we go on like this the less likely that is to happen. I just wish it didn't affect me the way that it does!

 

Take care

[Tigris]

I hope you have a good time with Annie. Keep us informed.

[rachel1571]

Weekend disasterous Tigris, apologies if i have spelt ur name wrong. A little worse for wear!

 

Annie, had told me previously how her boss had been hitting on her in the most grotesque kind of way, which stopped shortly after she told him that we were dating. She was over 4 hours late for our getting together, which was how she used to be before we got involved. Of course it's always something dramatic as to why she's late, i don't know why i did it but when she was out of the room, i looked at her phone today.

 

In her sent messages there are several to her boss telling him that she loves him. I've made a hasty exit and have no clue how to handle things from here!

 

Nightmare.

[Cadence308]

Wow, sounds like Annie is into drama and playing games! Sounds like you need to get out of this one. She lied to you about the status of her relationship with her boss. What are you going to do?

[rachel1571]

Well Balllys i'm in two minds, part of me thinks just end it for non confrontational reasons, you know 'i don't think its working out, it's not you it's me' but she strikes me as a girl that would try to work round that.

 

It's strange, this has all been going on behind my back and yet she talks to me about valentines day, meeting her grandfather, going on holiday, whether i want children or not!

 

I feel so ashamed about going through her phone, it's not something that i have ever done before. But feel that it would take me telling her that for her to accept that it's over.

 

Such a mess! This is what happens when you go against ur instincts because i knew from the first night that it was a mistake to get involved with her.

 

Hope ur keeping well Ballys