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Sudden Breakup, but I want to work it out!!!

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My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me on Saturday. For the past 6 months we have been doing long distance but saw each other every weekend (his idea). We talked about marriage, spending the rest of our lives together, and had promise rings. He said we would get engaged after grad school (in about another 2 years). We really loved each other and were best friends. We lived together too for 2 summers and for 2 and a half years, we spent every night together. During the months when we did long distance, it was really hard. I became depressed, decided I didn't like my grad program, and wanted to transfer to where my boyfriend was and switch careers. We were planning on living together if I got into his school. We fought more than usual the last few months...I think bc of the stress from long distance, my depression, my dependence on him when I was unhappy, my career indecision, and how I was picking stupid fights about things I didn't even care about. I was on autopilot and so focused on my problems that I never took a step back to look at how the fighting might be affecting him. I guess I just always assumed he would be there no matter what.


He came to visit me when he broke up with me, but didn't do it the first night. Instead he waited till the next day, after sleeping in my bed with me, snuggling, and letting me think that everything was fine. He said that he no longer could see himself marrying me because we fight too much and he thinks the fighting is from our irreconciable personality diffs. I said we could work things out but he said that he didn't think we could. He said that he doesn't know who he is anymore and needs to be alone to find himself. He also said that he loves me, that he'll love me forever, that I am the most beautiful girl he's ever met, and that I am his best friend and he can't live without me so he wants to be friends. I can't just be friends with him...I planned on spending the rest of my life with him. This came so suddenly, he never let me know that he was unhappy. I feel like we can really work things out...I think our fighting was more situational than anything and if I knew that the fighting bothered him so much, I would have tried harder to not fight and to monitor my emotions so that they wouldn't get out of control. Since our breakup I have been doing a lot of thinking and wrote out a list of our differences and ways I think we can work it out...at least how I want to improve myself on these issues that led to our fights. Also, he tends to get depressed in the winter time too and has made some decisions in the winter time that he eventually came to regret (i.e. we went on a break 2 years ago because he needed to do some 'soulsearching'...it lasted a day and a half and he came back to me) so I am wondering if maybe his head is clouded by his unhappiness with himself.


We haven't talked since he broke up with me (btw he drove down ALL of my stuff that was left at his place...so hurtful). I want to call him so badly but all my friends say to wait till he calls. He said he didn't think we should talk for a few days but then we could work on being friends. Should I try to talk with him about my perceptions of what went wrong in our relationship? I don't want to get back together now, but I want us to work on our own issues and learn to be happy as independent people, have our space and time, and then maybe go on a second first date in a few months. As he left this past Saturday, he kept kissing me and telling me that he loves me, but he also said that I need to assume we're not getting back together. I am confused about this whole situation and would appreciate any advice that people may have....what will optimize my chances of getting back together with him???? PLEASE HELP....I am heartbroken!!!

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I think you should give him some time to cool off and think things over and maybe you should do the same. I would start doing the No contact thing and finding other hobbies and such until he calls you. If you do call him he's just going to make himself distant because the relationship just isn't what he wants right now. Then he'll think your pushing it way too hard and he won't want to talk to you and it will make things worse. I think you should just try having no contact for awhile and see how it goes...

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