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he doesn't know i want to break up


shau_nee
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hi, this is my first post. i am looking for some breaking up advice. i am breaking up with my bf of 4 yrs. because he won't commit. we use to live together. we lived together for about a year. he didn't like it so he asked me to move out. he said that we weren't officially breaking up just that he wanted his own space. we are still in a relationship but he does and goes wherever he wants to. i'm getting tired of it because it seems like he is not taking the relationship seriously. he has just bought a new house. a very big new house and never offered for me to move in with him. he has two children from a previous marriage and i have never met them. i think he has alot that he is kept hidden from me. i decided to break up and get out of this relationship. am i doing the right thing?

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I think you're doing the right thing. You have been together for 4 years, that's enough time for him to know if he wants to be committed to you or not. Yes, not meeting his kids is a red flag.

 

I think you deserve someone who will integrate you into their life. Good luck - you are doing the right thing.

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Is he in contact with his kids?

 

Seems odd to me after four years you have never met them.

 

Did you ever discuss marriage then?

 

Personally if someone told me they "didn't like" living with me, I would be the one walking away at that moment! That was a sign there he would not commit....there and then.

 

Sounds like you already know what you need and want to do, good luck - stay strong and firm in your decision!

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yes he see's his kids every weekend. he says he doesn't think his kids can handle him having a gf because of their loyalty to their mother. his kids are teenagers i don't know if that makes it easy or harder on kids when they are at that age. but i think if he was serious about me i would have met them.

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Is his ex wife still single, do his kids accept her bf's? To me he still has an interest in her. In four years they could certainly adjust. What kind of a man would let his teenagers run his life? I would understand if he had a different woman every weekend, that may upset the kids but FOUR years? That's a load of CRAP! Sorry there has to be more going on that he is not telling you.

 

RC

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yes he see's his kids every weekend. he says he doesn't think his kids can handle him having a gf because of their loyalty to their mother. his kids are teenagers i don't know if that makes it easy or harder on kids when they are at that age. but i think if he was serious about me i would have met them.

 

Definitely fishy.....my parents are divorced, and I met my father's new partner (former mistress actually) not that long after (and I was in their wedding) and my stepfather came into our life a few months later as well and has been here ever since.

 

Kids have a rough time of course with their parents splitting, but after four years....and as teenagers...they know what is going on.

 

If he was serious about you being part of his life you would of met them.

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I agree - tell you your goals in life are obviously very different from his and that you will be moving on. Take some time to regain some equilibrium in your life and find someone who wants the same things that you do.

 

Make sure that you don't allow him to persuade you to do anything against your best interests by giving nebulous assurances about the future.

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Four years and you've never met his children? That must have hurt you very deeply. On the one hand, I wonder why you put up with that so long, but on the other hand, why wonder. The important thing is you are finally saying, hey...this is just wrong and I can't have this in my life anymore. Good for you!

 

You don't deserve to give him a long drawn out explanation. Believe me, this guy know why you should leave! He's probably been marveling himself you put up with this for so long.

 

Get out there and find someone who wants a committed life with you, who will welcome you 100% into his own life and share everything with you. You WILL find him - that is, once you free yourself from this dead-end relationship.

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I agree with the other posts here. It seems its time for you to move on. Seems there is alot to his life that you dont know about. After 4 years with him and not having yet met his teenage kids is quite strange. He asked you to move out from the first living together arrangement since he didnt like it. He has bought a new home, of which you are not apart of, and you never met his kids. I would considered all of this as huge red flags for sure, with lights flashing and bells ringing through your head. I think maybe you have figured out the right path for you already. MOve on and find some one that has interest in you and having you as part of the big picture of their lives.

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