Loss and KIT

[Sprink]

My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me yesterday night. I cried deeply when we were talking in the car during this time. When I got home I couldn't cry anymore for some reason. I was still deeply deeply hurt.

 

I have this blog that I write all my feelings in, and I know he keeps reading it. And I keep writing in it.

 

I love him deeply. I care about him a lot. But somehow I cannot cry anymore. He connected with me in ways I could not with anyone else.

 

But last night as I kept writing blog entries, I kept looking at personals ads and trying to find other guys. Why do I want to do this?

 

I want my bf back. We have not talked since last night, but I know he reads what I write. We have not set up NC and he says he really wants to be friends still. I don't want to lose contact with him either so I don't think I can do NC. I want to know what's going on with him right now as he's going through a lot of hardships in his life at the moment.

 

What can I do?!

[DN]

Did he say why he wanted to break up?

[NJRon]

I'm sorry you're in pain. I don't know why I did some of the stuff I did after my ex and I broke up. We actually helped each other with our personal ads not 2 days after. How odd is that?

 

I found my emotions all over the map. Angry, sad, blank. Ready to get out there right away, wanting to hole up in a dark corner. relieved sometimes, scared other times with some lonliness thrown in.

 

I've kept contact with my ex and it hasn't been exactly easy. Be prepared to crash everytime you talk. We space our communication out. Keep it light. Nothing about our relationship (except a couple of times just for some closure, and even then it was short and to the point).

 

It really helped me to be strong to control the communication. I don't contact her (except one time... oops hehe). I respond in a friendly way, but don't allow myself to be drawn into anything too deep. I joke around but don't flirt. I don't respond to every email or communication. I end the conversations first when I can. Most of all, I let go of hope of ever being together again and don't read anything at all into what she says. The only way I would ever get it is if she came right out and said "I want us to be together again".

 

It's getting better. As time passes, we are able to talk about things in a more normal way. Eventually, I'm sure we'll be able to talk about out feelings more. Right now, when one of us shares feelings, we jsut share them... no "why" or "what can I do to help".. just an "I understand" or "me too".

 

I don't know if allowing him access to your blog and your inner thoughts is a good idea right now. That can end up being a double edged blade. There's nothing wrong with getting a little space between you two.

 

Anyway... just some thoughts... hope you feel better

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear of the breakup Sprink, I know how hard it is.

 

Did he explain why he did not want to be with you anymore?

 

Sometimes we just cry until we can't anymore. I am sure you will be sad and shed tears again, but don't worry so much about why you stopped...you cannot cry forever

 

The reason you looked at the personals is you are rebounding...you feel a loss and are looking to replace it. I advise you hold off on dating until you have done some more healing. It was a rebound reaction though.

 

I wuold suggest perhaps you move your blog or make it private...knowing he is reading it can affect your recovery and the feelings and thoughts you put out...and don't read his if he has one either, not for the moment at least. I would suggest you at the very least limit contact until you both heal and accept the breakup.

 

It does get better sweetie, time heals, your heart recovers.

[Sprink]

He said because he couldn't love me.

 

I kept saying I don't understand. In the beginning I didn't love him but I have learned to through all the times we've had and the things he did for me.

 

He was the one who liked me first, and I only begun to like him in return because of that.

 

I really do love him, it's not simply infatuation. I did everything I could to give him love and return all the good things he did for me. But he said he couldn't love me.

 

EVERYTHING else about us works. We click and we don't fight and there's nothing bad between us. Why is it that he can't have emotions for me?! If he liked me in the beginning how can it be lost?

[RayKay]

He said because he couldn't love me.

 

I kept saying I don't understand. In the beginning I didn't love him but I have learned to through all the times we've had and the things he did for me.

 

He was the one who liked me first, and I only begun to like him in return because of that.

 

I really do love him, it's not simply infatuation. I did everything I could to give him love and return all the good things he did for me. But he said he couldn't love me.

 

EVERYTHING else about us works. We click and we don't fight and there's nothing bad between us. Why is it that he can't have emotions for me?! If he liked me in the beginning how can it be lost?

 

Sometimes, feelings don't develop as we expected them too. Sometimes beyond the infatuation or interest, love just is not there. Sometimes our love is not returned, even if we feel it. There are never guarantees, if there was there would never be heartbreak. But then again, there would never be the great reward that reciprocal love is!

 

I am sure he does have emotions for you...he cares about you, I am sure he likes whom you are, but he felt something missing. But not feeling love...that is a VERY big thing to "not work".

 

And it was really the right thing then for him to end it, as you deserve someone whom will love you as much as you them, and he deserves to feel in love with someone himself.

[Sprink]

The blog was made specifically to tell him things. I have written in it for months. I need him to know everything I'm going through, whether or not there is hope for us. I don't have anyone to turn to right now because my friends are all physically distant, in different cities and such. I think I looked at personal ads so I could find another person to talk to.

[NJRon]

That's what we're here for.

[Relationship Coach]

Sprink,

I'm very sorry for your pain and anguish. Most of us here know what you are going through and we have survived as you will too. RayKay is right on here. There is a very good chance he was infatuated with you and never developed those deeper feelings that are associated with love. Be thankful that he was honest with you and did not string you along. After 10 months I'm sure that he really battled this but was mature enough to admit that it just wasn't there. I know this doesn't lessen the pain but you need to understand that you cannot control what he feels, only what you feel.

 

You have plenty of new friends here, put the personal ads on hold for a little while until you feel like you are ready to date again and not long for him. As for your blog, yes it is good to write but part of the healing process is to eliminate contact with him. By blogging you are basically texting your emotions to him on a daily basis, this may just push him farther away. Write to us daily, we will interact with you and let him wonder what you are thinking, feeling and doing. Good Luck.

 

RC

[Sprink]

But both of us do not want to lose contact with each other. He's going through a lot right now with other things and I need to know that he is surviving!

 

I really can't do NC...not even just because we broke up, but I care for him as a person and worry for his physical wellbeing.

[hellokittykitty]

Sprink, I know what your going through. MY ex broke up with me last saturday... same situation, we didn't set up NC - he actually made plans with me for this week... his reason for the breakup was that he had to figure things out in life before he could handle a relationship... with me or anyone, he like your ex is also going through a tough time.

 

He said he would call this week and we'd do something.. he never called so i called him... he hasn't called me back and now i am deeply hurt ..

 

hope things work out better for you.