Issue with a possible partner

[Benji86]

Hey all, back again...thanks for helping me out before it helped out greatly. I just have a question for you all, so I am putting my faith in you. So a possible girlfriend of mine enjoys going out and drinking, not like excessively or anything, but that just isnt my thing i dont really enjoy it. But I know that i would feel out of place if I happened to go somewhere with her and she would be drinking, and it just seems way out of my element. Any approach to take towards this? Thank you all kindly.

[Ms Omaniac]

i HOPE you wouldnt tell her to not drink a little socially.

i mean if it's excessive...yeah...id mention something. but if it's just casual and you want her to quit...that's a bit much. that sounds kinda controlling. just try and not let it bother you. but telling her to not do it because you dont like it sounds kinda harsh. i know i would stop drinking if it was excessive. but if it was a small amount..id be offended since im doing it to enjoy myself and have a good time.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Benji, I feel for you, I have struggled with this time and time again. There are two sides to the coin.

 

One its really your problem with your girlfriends behavior. She isn't doing anything that many would consider "wrong." So you will have to learn to be comfortable with the situation.

 

On the flipside, if you can't be comfortable with this persons behavior, then perhaps you should decide whether you want to continue to be in a relationship with them.

 

If you want to make things work, I'd suggest sitting down with her and let her know how unfortable you are with her going out and drinking, that you know its *YOUR* problem, and you'd like to work on it. Ask her what her thoughts are, and what things *YOU* can do to work on the problem. Solving problems together is a great way to bond and strengthen your relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Benji86]

its not so much that she is excessive or anything like that. I know that she is responsible about it and doesnt go and get drunk off her * * * or anything, but its more like she wants me to go along with her and i guess drink too, but i just really dont.

[NJRon]

I'm hearing that you like hanging out with her and she wants to go to a bar or club, but you feel pressured to drink and/or out of place if you don't drink. Is that close?

 

If the drinking itself doesn't bother you, then I would suggest you treat it like any other shared activity with a significant other. You take turns. Sometimes you do what you want to do and sometimes you do what she wants to do. You enjoy your time together. If you don't want to drink, then don't. Just enjoy hanging out with her

 

If drinking is an issue for yourself, and you really feel uncomfortable being around alcohol, then that is an entirely different issue and needs to be addressed.

[Benji86]

I hear what you are saying NJRon, its not that i feel pressured to really, or even that I dont want to be around alcohol, its just people can be really annoying if they over do it and i dont want to have to deal with that, you know? Not saying my girlfriend, but other people.

[NJRon]

Yeah, I hear you. I guess it comes down to just treating it like an activity. If this is an activity you don't want to share with her, then she needs to decide whether that's important to her or not. And you need to decide if you are spending enough time together doing shared activities that it doesn't matter.

 

I liken it to sports for me. I have a strong dislike for sports. If I was dating a girl that just had to go to games all the time because she was a sports nut (which I would hate doing because they are a pain in the butt, people are rude and I'm not interested in the activity in the first place) then I would have to decide if I really want to be in a relationship with someone that I didn't share this interest with. Maybe I would compromise, maybe I would find it just not worth it.

 

It's a tough call and really up to you to look at yourself and determine what you want out of the relationship, then look at the relationship and see if that's what you're getting. It sounds like you appreciate the fact that she likes what she likes and you aren't trying to change her.

 

Wish there was a magic wand handy

[Benji86]

haha, a wand would make life a hell of a lot easier now wouldnt it? I appreciate your advice a lot, and I have a feeling it is going to help me out.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you need to realize that this is her issue and I wouldnt expect her to accomidate you if this is something that she likes doing. If you feel that strongly about being in that environment then its not gonna work out and you shouldnt waste your time.