She called again!

[thoughts]

OK. My man's ex called again yesterday - NOW, my boyfriend and I have been together since March 1st. Y'all gave me advice to contact her and give her the closure my boyfriend/her ex didn't - he just walked away AND she didn't know they broke up, in fact she thought they were still together through June 1st. My friends say it isn't my place to call her or e-mail her - but, now I am obsessing over it. I think I see her driving next to me. It's killing me. AT 30 YEARS OLD, I shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I know I could send her an e-mail or leave her a message, but at this point, it would just be mean; basically stating, "C. You called J again yesterday. Why? Why do you keep calling? I am sorry that you are having a hard time getting over him - but, it's about time you face the facts. He has moved on. I hate to break it to you, but we've been together coming up on a year March 1st. I know he was having difficulty breaking it off with you from March 1st through the end of May - I even know you slept together during that time. We weren't planning on falling in love, it just happened. MOVE ON and stop wasting your time on someone who made you look like a fool. Where is your pride?"

 

HELP!! Between this an extra charge on my checking account, I just want to cry.

[annie24]

You know, I really don't think it's your place to call her either. This is all on your dude. Why is he still accepting her phone calls? Why does he tell you about this either?

 

I'm a little suspicious of him to be honest. It really isn't about what she's doing as much as it is about what he's doing.

[RayKay]

You know, I really don't think it's your place to call her either. This is all on your dude. Why is he still accepting her phone calls? Why does he tell you about this either?

 

I'm a little suspicious of him to be honest. It really isn't about what she's doing as much as it is about what he's doing.

 

I agree with Annie on this one.

 

I hate to break it to you, but we've been together coming up on a year March 1st. I know he was having difficulty breaking it off with you from March 1st through the end of May - I even know you slept together during that time. We weren't planning on falling in love, it just happened. MOVE ON and stop wasting your time on someone who made you look like a fool. Where is your pride?"

 

Has he told her this HIMSELF yet? From your last post I know he had never really been clear about the breakup, but I really wonder why he hasn't. There is something weird about him never really telling her what went on almost a year afterwards, I mean essentially he just moved out suddenly right?

 

Stop blaming her, and worrying about her, and worry about the one living under your roof whom apparently is too spineless to tell her himself. I have a feeling he either likes this drama, or this is the way he is and he just does not like to "end things"...which is sad, because you might very well be in her position one day.

 

You call her a fool, but honestly, if he is still not telling her the truth and asking her to back off and stop calling, and not respecting YOU very much by allowing this to continue, whom is truly the foolish one? Where is YOUR pride? If you want her to stop calling him, get HIM to put an end to it, and if he does not, consider whom is truly the one in the wrong here. He has had plenty of time to change his number, or tell her to back off and that you are together and this is not acceptable.....and he hasn't.

[lgirl]

it is NOT your place to deal with his ex - is she your ex? no! then leave it to him to take care of things - i think it says a LOT about him that he has left you to deal with it and is not taling ANY responsibility for the situation he is exposing YOU to. (that's not good in case you didn't already realise). he is letting you down big time, if only you could see it.

 

leave his ex alone. it is for him and HIM ONLY to deal with. ask him what HE is going to do about her. refuse to see him until he gets it sorted. it is inexcusable that you should be clearing up his mess like this.

 

he is playing you both off and probably laughing at how stupid some women are!

 

PS writing that note to her will only make her laugh at you - do you want to give her the satisfaction? (you are humiliating yourself)

[annie24]

Yeah, I've been in a similar situation, and I've found that when one partner won't "shoo away" their ex, it's because feelings are still there. He probably is enjoying having 2 women fight over him. That sucks.

 

Really, it's not about her behavior - it's about lack of action on his part! She is not your problem. He is!!!

[thoughts]

He did tell her we are together and he has also asked her to not call. He did not accept her phone call, she just left a message.

 

I hear ya on the, "Where is my pride?"

 

I asked him to call her again and tell her again, to stop calling. He doesn't want to talk to her. He feels that if he talks to her it will give her hope.

 

What am I supposed to do? Am I worried he is going to go back to her? No. Am I worried he is going to do the same thing to me? I've thought about it. But, we just gave a security deposit on a new apt where we will move into on March 15th.

 

His relationship with her is very different compared to his relationship with me. He lied to her all the time and they didn't live together. They were together for 2 1/2 years and they talked about moving in together and when it came time for him to move out, he moved in with me.

 

In our relationship - he has had tendency to lie and then he comes clean - I understand that he was used to lying. I'm 4 yrs older than he is. I know where I was when I was his age and I made some similar mistakes. I am not going to hold these things against him. We grow from these things.

 

He has told me he HATES himself for how he handled things with her. And frankly, doesn't want to relive any of it.

 

I know he doesn't want to go back to her because he didn't like her parent's dynamic and he is astute enough to realize she will end up like her mother. My family dynamic is one that he admires and we've just finally worked through my parent's issues with him and his parent's issues with me.

 

She was not intelligent enough to be with him and she was clingy and naive. The only thing they had in common was ethnicity, religion and economic status.

 

Believe me - it's been difficult for me and my family to get over those three things. He was the first person in his family to graduate from college, where as everyone in my family has their Masters. Neither is better, just different. I realize I have to have patience with him. He can't learn how to be a MAN over night and his upbringing has not prepared him for what he aspires for. He knows his ex would never and could never be someone who will help him reach for the stars.

[annie24]

In our relationship - he has had tendency to lie and then he comes clean - I understand that he was used to lying. I'm 4 yrs older than he is. I know where I was when I was his age and I made some similar mistakes. I am not going to hold these things against him. We grow from these things.

 

Ummm.... red flag!!!!!!! He has a tendency to lie????

 

Really, I'm not as concerned about her as I am about him. If he's really stopped taking her calls, why is she still calling after so long? If he really told her to knock it off....

 

I don't think that he's done enough to prove to you that he's not encouraging her behavior.

[RayKay]

Alright, I hate to do it, but this is going to be rather critical, I tried not to be but there are these huge red flags going off all over the place.

 

 

His relationship with her is very different compared to his relationship with me. He lied to her all the time and they didn't live together. They were together for 2 1/2 years and they talked about moving in together and when it came time for him to move out, he moved in with me.

 

Well, sure, from what he has told you. But apparently he lied to her, and can lie to you, so how different is it? He moved in with you without ever breaking it off with her....classy.

 

I like to look at how a person treats people around them - friends, ex's, waiters and waitresses....it gives you a big indication on how they are going to treat you as well. The fact is he did not accidentally just move in to the wrong apartment, he purposely deceived this girl. He never gave her an explanation. She may be naive, clingy and she may not be perfect, but neither are you as he will find out. He was with her 2.5 years so there must be some reason he stayed.

 

 

In our relationship - he has had tendency to lie and then he comes clean - I understand that he was used to lying. I'm 4 yrs older than he is. I know where I was when I was his age and I made some similar mistakes. I am not going to hold these things against him. We grow from these things.

 

I don't know.....I don't have much faith in someone whom is "used to lying". Why did he ever have to lie in the first place? I have doubts he is being completely truthful to you about his past relationship either.

 

Lying repeatedly is something you SHOULD hold against them....if they do it over and over it's not exactly something they are "growing from" in my opinion.

 

What happened to honesty and respect?

 

Seems fishy.

 

He has told me he HATES himself for how he handled things with her. And frankly, doesn't want to relive any of it.

 

Well, the fact is he is just letting you relive it over and over again.

 

How is calling her going to get her hopes up if he is telling her to butt out and absolutely stop calling and that he is changing his number for example? I don't know, someone telling me to back off is not "hope".

 

Did you HEAR him tell her to stop calling?

 

Again, fishy.

 

 

I realize I have to have patience with him. He can't learn how to be a MAN over night and his upbringing has not prepared him for what he aspires for.

 

How much patience are you willing to have though, at the expense of you and your relationship?

 

I am leery of someone in their mid to late 20's or beyond whom apparently needs to "learn how to be a man" because the truth is, he already is. What you see is what you get.

 

And if he lies, and lies again, and lies again.....it has nothing to do with him having to learn how to be a man. Its about him not having that character in the first place.

 

Fishy fishy fishy.

[Bethany]

I think you should tell that man that HE needs to say all that to her and you need to then step back and let him do it. If he doesn't, he is either stringing her along and loving it or he is a coward. You don't need either of those men. in your life.

 

His behaviour has been appauling to her and if I were you, I would be concerned that one day YOU will come home and all his stuff will be gone with no explanation, and then YOU will be the poor girl that he has disgustingly used and abused these recent months. I bet she didnt think he could do that either but he DID and he can again, to you!.

[thoughts]

a reason he lies is due to drug use. i don't want to get into all of that. but, the only thing he has lied to me about is his drug use. he has an addiction problem. he lied to her about all of it. the lies he has told me were about his useage and i guess the only difference between me and her in that regard is i KNOW when he is f#cked up. so, he's tried to lie, but once i've caught him, he comes clean. now, he just comes clean before i have to catch him.

 

the truth is, i love the guy. i dealt with a similar thing with his brother. his brother had a really bad coke addiction problem. i thought, he was better. but, i guess i am finding i am wrong.

 

i guess i am also finding that if i have no respect for myself, he will have no respect for me.

 

maybe i shouldn't be planning on marrying this guy. or moving in with him.

 

this whole thing sucks!

[RayKay]

Oh my.

 

Did you know of the drug issue before you got involved? I don't know honey, but addiction is not an excuse. Yes lying is a side effect of drug abuse and addiction, but it does not excuse him.

 

Is he actually doing anything to recover from his addiction?

 

Are you so sure she did not know either, or just was too afraid to lose him so pretended she didn't? I don't know, drug addicts will often say their partner "knew nothing" when they did the whole time....I don't know, but there is something odd about it all.

 

I feel for you, I really do. Just because you are walking into a dark alley, where you I think know someone is waiting to attack you, but you still have to go down it for some reason.

 

I would not move in or marry him until he gets his addiction under control and shows you he is committed to being honest and truthful, and dealing with and putting his past (ie ex) actually behind him.

[thoughts]

and i have to come to terms with it. he used drugs and i knew it. i thought he was getting himself under control. i had a drug addiction problem for 3 yrs and i kicked it. a different drug. he won't even admit he has a problem, i don't know if he ever will. his ex would accuse him of using and he would lie and say he wasn't and then be mad at her for not trusting him.

 

this just opened a huge can of worms that i guess i am not ready to deal with.

 

i have been mad at myself for not trusting him and i have been making excuses for him...

 

truth is you are right. an addiction is only an excuse if they are making some attempt to get better.

 

he is not.

 

i have to leave him.

 

i can't deal with this.

 

i have over $15,000 invested in him. i lost $6,000 leaving his brother. why? why am i such a stupid * * * * * * *!

[Relationship Coach]

Thoughts,

 

Listen to RayKay and Annie! You may be too close to the problem to see how big it actually is. This is a very tough spot you are in and if she is still in contact with him after you and your BF have asked her to stop, get a restraining order. If your BF has a problem with that, than he really doesn't want her out of his life. He's an addict to more than just drugs. His personality screams for more despite how many times he's been scolded by you. Addicts are great liars and if you think they only lie about their addiction, you're wrong. Addicts have self destructive behavioral patterns, that's why they have relapses after they are clean! Either accept that she is going to claim one side of this triangle or get out before it get's worse.

 

RC

[RayKay]

If he won't admit it, you as a former addict probably already know that is a sign he is not in control at all, or ready to deal with it.

 

 

i have been mad at myself for not trusting him and i have been making excuses for him...

 

Interesting, sounds like you are maybe now in her position. I am sure she felt the same way. Maybe she still DOES in fact blame herself and it is why she calls.

 

It's pretty classic an addict will also blame the accuser for not "trusting them" when really, the accuser has no reason to trust them, it's right there. So it sounds like she knew very well what was going on, but he manipulated the situation.

 

 

truth is you are right. an addiction is only an excuse if they are making some attempt to get better.

 

he is not.

 

i have to leave him.

 

i can't deal with this.

 

You can deal with it, because you have to in the end. It all comes out in the wash, right? Problems don't go away when you ignore them.

 

Interesting what comes out even in this thread, in a thread that started off about his ex calling, a lot of stuff comes to light. I know you were not innocent in all of this, you knew he was with someone and were in an "open" thing of sorts with someone at the time (I recall that anyway), but you also can't continue to blame yourself for those. I think in some way you stay because you almost feel "you deserve it". But you don't. You don't have to stay with someone whom clearly is hauling a trainload of baggage and issues along with them.

 

It's not just his ex, the drugs...it's the whole. It's toxic. His ex is still in his life because part of his personality is to NOT take responsibility for things. That's just dangerous for you in the end.

 

 

i have over $15,000 invested in him. i lost $6,000 leaving his brother. why? why am i such a stupid * * * * * * *!

 

You are not stupid. You made some mistakes, but they don't have to determine the rest of your life.

 

Why so much money lost - in his brother and him? Is there are a reason you have $9,000 "invested" in him (not much of an ROI so far is there)????

 

You learned with his brother what addiction does, to everyone involved. I really recommend you LEARN from this one fast.

 

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. This is your second time, don't allow it to run you down.

[thoughts]

sad - most of the times i get a stain on an article of clothing. it is so soiled it has to be discarded.

 

i'm not feeling so great right now.

 

we have a vacation planned and booked. we leave in 23 days! i just spoke to him and while all this is going on (and please know i SO APPRECIATE all your help) i am all nice nice and trying to please him.

 

and that's it. i am always trying to please him. i have gotten myself lost.

 

i am in a deadend job with no aspirations and no want or desire to be independent. i support myself and whatever slack he adds. he makes less than me, but does NOT understand the concept of money. his drugs cost $50 a bag and sometimes he goes through 10 in a weekend. he SAYS he wants to get clean and just attempted to go a month without using. the first "month" - he made it 4 days. this was the second "month" - he made it 8 days. we had a discussion about it and i told him that this next attempt, hopefully he will make it 12 days. i am so used to "trying to make it work" and i am SO SCARED TO LEAVE.

 

i lost my two best friends when i got into this relationship and i've been feeling so alone.

 

i know this is no way to live and, yes, it is interesting how much this thread has changed since my first post.

[annie24]

Well, you know, it happens a lot - someone posts a thread, and really, there's a much greater underlying issue than the one they posted about. Maybe his ex is also concerned about his drug use and she is checking up on him? That is quite a possibility too.

 

He sounds like an addict, and addicts are very good liars.

 

I think you should cancel your trip, you can get most of your money back.

 

He sounds like he has some biiiigggg problems, and the ex is the least of your worries.

 

You've invested enough time and money, I think it would be best to cut your losses at this point with this man, and invest money instead in your education. You could have spent that $15,000 going to nursing school - nurses are in high demand!

[Relationship Coach]

RayKay and Annie, you two truly are SUPER. THOUGHTS, I think you should feel pretty good about getting this out there so even you can see it better. You sound like you have so much to offer someone who could reciprocate everything you are willing to give. I understand that it may be hard to walk away since you yourself have been there before but at what cost to you, financially, emotionally and physically will you continue to invest in to this despair?

 

RC

[RayKay]

and that's it. i am always trying to please him. i have gotten myself lost.

 

And that is the crux of it sweetie, and why it was so hard to be objective to the situation. I really think he is a master manipulator from the sounds of it, both with his ex and you.

 

 

i am in a deadend job with no aspirations and no want or desire to be independent. i support myself and whatever slack he adds. he makes less than me, but does NOT understand the concept of money. his drugs cost $50 a bag and sometimes he goes through 10 in a weekend. he SAYS he wants to get clean and just attempted to go a month without using. the first "month" - he made it 4 days. this was the second "month" - he made it 8 days. we had a discussion about it and i told him that this next attempt, hopefully he will make it 12 days. i am so used to "trying to make it work" and i am SO SCARED TO LEAVE.

 

Why do you feel you have no aspirations or desire to be independent? What lays behind that? All that money as Annie said, you could of saved and gone back to school, or put into other passions and hobbies (not drugs!). Sometimes when we feel stuck, we are scared to leave that security. The fear keeps us unhappy...but we need to take that risk to be happy again. I know, I have been 'stuck' in a deadend job too, and am finally taking the jump to go back to school. It was scary, and still is, but I am so excited, proud of myself. I feel I have already made an accomplishment. Being proud of yourself for pushing past your fear is a great thing.

 

He's an addict honey. He won't do it on his own again. He needs to admit he is an addict and get himself help...you certainly cannot do it for him. You shouldn't in fact. Right now...I really think he's with you as his other gf may have had enough..and he was tired of feeling "parented" and saw you as an out. I am not so sure he has always been truthful about what happened between them.

 

i lost my two best friends when i got into this relationship and i've been feeling so alone.

 

The nice thing about true best friends....is when you call them and tell them you need help...those whom are true will forget it all and be there for you in a heartbeat. Try it.

 

If they won't be, we will be as best we can.

[lgirl]

thoughts,

 

are you his mummy? he is making excuses like a little boy! it's total BS that if he tells her to back off and leave him alone that it will give her hope!! if he values his r/shp with you, he'll do WHATEVER it takes to give you peace of mind and sort this situation out once and for all. the fact he's not dealing with this MANFULLY and protecting you from his ugly past is a bad sign!! i am very worried about what you say - sounds like you are setting yourself up for a fall!

 

His relationship with her is very different compared to his relationship with me. He lied to her all the time and they didn't live together. They were together for 2 1/2 years and they talked about moving in together and when it came time for him to move out, he moved in with me.

and you still don't think he's going to do the same to you?? girlfriend, wake up!! if he can can do that to her, he will do it to you. and why would you want to be with a man who treats another woman like that? just b/c you've put a deposit down on an appt isn't going to protect you - in fact, it will make yr situation worse. he's looking for someone to rescue him (like a child), making you the caretaker.

 

In our relationship - he has had tendency to lie and then he comes clean

so you think! don't be naive. you don't 'grow' from lying and coming clean! he 'appears' to come clean now, but that won't be the case another 6 months down the line. why get with someone you know who lies? where is the trust?

 

frankly, he doesn't want to relive any of it

boo-hoo, isn't that convenient? meanwhile the situation just deteriorates. he is refusing to take responsibility for his crap, leaving you to clean it up.

 

I know he doesn't want to go back to her because he didn't like her parent's dynamic and he is astute enough to realize she will end up like her mother. My family dynamic is one that he admires and we've just finally worked through my parent's issues with him and his parent's issues with me.

She was not intelligent enough to be with him and she was clingy and naive. The only thing they had in common was ethnicity, religion and economic status.

that's what he told you!! why are you working SO hard to keep this man? he sounds like he's only with you to boost his status; it is what you represent to him that interests him, not you the person. and you are exceptionally naive if you don't realise that ethnicity, religion and economic status are very strong ties that bind.

 

He can't learn how to be a MAN over night and his upbringing has not prepared him for what he aspires for. He knows his ex would never and could never be someone who will help him reach for the stars.

what are you a charity? why don't you go get yourself someone who doesn't have all this baggage? how long is it going to take him to reach the stars - are you prepared for years to pass

 

Thoughts, i was in a very similar situation to you (except the exgf and lying bit) - i was everything he aspired to; the life he could have with me was so different to hs background etc; all the things yr guy's telling you. and you know what? deep down he didn't believe he deserved me and ended up self-sabotaging on such a massive degree he sunk our r/shp in the most destructive manner. oh and he also betrayed me with a girl from his neighbourhood (same ethnicity, religion and economic status as him!!).

 

you should consider whether you have low-self esteem issues influencing your decision to be with him... and take off those rose-tinted glasses before you end up in a worse position than the exgf!!