Left for someone else.

[Beamer21]

Last tuesday my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She says that there is this other person in her life that has confessed his love for her about a month ago, and since then she has started to feel an attraction to him. Lately with my busy work schedule I haven't been there for her, and he has been to provide moral support.

 

She broke up with me becuase she feels it is wrong to be attracted to someone else and be in a relationship. She hasn't currently pursued anything with this guy, and there has been no sexual encounters with them yet.

 

We have been taking a "break" for the last week so that she can organize her thoughts and decide what she really wants. I have been doing everything I can to help her remember the good times and the love that we have.

 

Last night she called and asked if I would come over after my shift at midnight and we could talk over a few things. I took this as my chance to see her and hopefully patch things back up. We talked for a bit, and she made the choice to say goodbye for once and for all, BUT, she wanted me to stay the night with her. Of course we started to make out, and one thing lead to another next thing we know we are having the infamous "break up" sex. It was like no other time we had together, and the passion levels were high. I figured that this would bring her back around to me, but yet she still wants to stick to her decision and try to pursure something with the other guy.

 

She said that we should continue to have the sex that we have when we are feeling lonely, no strings attached. I am not to fond of the idea, but I have this feeling that if I can have these great opportunities to see each other then I will win her back. Am I wrong to think of this, and has anyone else made these types of decisions in the past and what results did you accomplish?

 

To add, I was also her first relationship, love and sexual partner. She says she needs to take this step to decide if she really needs to be with me. This morning and all last night she was confessing her love for me, it's just she can't control these other urges.

 

Should I encourage a relationship with this person, and sit back and wait. I can be sure she will be calling again because it won't work out. I have always had the fear that after we had been together for so long she would have the urge to see what it would be like to be with someone else. Would you take her back? Sit by and wait?

[red10]

I know exactly how you are feeling...same thing happened to me a week ago...he left me for an old college friend - thought there was a connection there, and so just like that - although he wanted to still be friends, i told him that was too much for me now - it's been hard, but this is something he has to do, take that risk, knowing I'm not going to be there if he changes his mind...we were best friends, and just like that....i am trying the NC thing, it's hard, and sometimes i have no idea what i'm doing, but this is for me...

 

you need to think what is best for you - but i would strongly suggest no sex...it just makes it even more complicated - my ex and i were together, but not together...weird situation, but he does love me, just not "in love" - i think we were more than that - but some people always want to see if the grass is greener on the other side...and it's so hard to predict what is going to happen next, but take care of yourself first...only you can decide what you want to do, just make the best of whatever happens!

 

sorry my advice may not be so great, i'm still trying to figure out my own situation...good luck!

[theantibarbie23]

She said that we should continue to have the sex that we have when we are feeling lonely, no strings attached. I am not to fond of the idea, but I have this feeling that if I can have these great opportunities to see each other then I will win her back. Am I wrong to think of this, and has anyone else made these types of decisions in the past and what results did you accomplish? Would you take her back? Sit by and wait?

 

I have only one thing to say to you. NO CONTACT. Learn it and live it. You can't sit by and just wait for her to come around. She may never do so. The no strings sex would only serve to wound you even more emotionally than what you are now.

 

If you stop having contact with her she may wake up and realize what she's lost but then again maybe not. The important thing is that a no contact policy is very good at helping you try and move forward with your life.

[merickso]

I was there, in the same situation you are in now. a year and a half ago my girlfriend of 4 years left me because she had met someone (I found out through the grapevine when our relationship wasn't doing so well). Anyway, we had the breakup sex, and I continued to talk to her for the next 2 months, as she was building her relationship with someone else, she told me that she needed to experience different things and be single for a while (she was not single, merely left me for someone else eventhough she kept denying it).

Anyway, this is what happened in my situation: she told me she wanted a break. she gave me just enough to hang out (she would call once every 2 or 3 days saying she still wasnt sure). she told me she wasnt with another person and that they were just friends. Anyway, after 2 months, things hadn't changed, I knew 100% that she was 'with' the other guy. FINALLY, when i stopped giving my ex the time of day ( I wouldnt answer her calls), she began to panick and called me more, crying, etc. the only thing was, there was something telling me it wouldn't work out... after all of the pain, and all of the things I never thought she was capable of, i just knew.

 

I could go on for another 1000 words (as most of you can as well), but my advice to you is to not "encourage" her having another relationship, but accept that it is happening. Don't sit back and wait. It did me no good whatsoever. I couldnt eat, sleep, or even hang out with friends for months because I was "waiting" for her. Would I take her back? No, because I know that every fight we would have, every time she was out with her friends, etc, I would be wondering about her with some guy. I am not saying that one day down the road there isnt a chance, but it is not likely because once she left me for someone else, I knew that I would always wonder where she was, who she was with, etc if we were back together.

 

Hope this helps, and keep posting and staying busy.

[Beamer21]

Thanks for the great advice everyone, and we are both 24.

 

I am going to try the NC thing for sure. Maybe it will help her to realize that she is missing out on a good thing. I think I have just come to realize that she won't fully get over me and know what she has thrown away if i will always be waiting for her to come back too. NC will begin now, and she is going to wonder what the heck is up.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

I am so gald you decided to do NC.

 

It is so much better than the alternative:

 

She said that we should continue to have the sex that we have when we are feeling lonely, no strings attached

 

because that will just play with your heart and mind.

 

Good for you for being strong!

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Thanks for the great advice everyone, and we are both 24.

 

I am going to try the NC thing for sure. Maybe it will help her to realize that she is missing out on a good thing. I think I have just come to realize that she won't fully get over me and know what she has thrown away if i will always be waiting for her to come back too. NC will begin now, and she is going to wonder what the heck is up.

 

I am coming in late on this post, but I definitely thing this decision you are making is the right one.

 

She cannot have her cake and eat it too, and it's a guarantee the sex is not "no strings attached" - you have feelings for her, she is using you because then you are a fallback guy, and you get hurt. What if she met someone else? Slept with someone else? What if you met a lovely girl but were sleeping with ex and so were stuck, or she did not want to then get involved? What if you DELAYED YOUR HEALING (which will happen!).

 

Those are some might big strings in my opinion!

 

If she wants to "see what else is out there" fine, but it won't happen with you waiting for her in the wings! If she loved and respected you, she definitely COULD control her urges and not pursue relationships with others.

 

I would not "encourage" her to see this other guy, I just would show her what not having you in her life means...you can't force her to come back, but YOU can protect your own feelings and start on your healing.

 

Good luck.

[Iceman26]

Sorry to hear about what happened.

 

Out of curiosity, where does she know this other guy from? How did he get close enough to her to "profess his love for her" while she was together with you?

 

Move on and don't look back. She picked another guy over you, and you are better then that. You don't need sympathy sex, and to be honest with you, what kind of person decides to pursue something with another guy and sleep with you on the side? Scandalous man, scandalous.