What about his first family?

[metro_girl]

At my age, I understand that a lot of people are divorced with kids, so I'm trying to be open to dating a single dad.

 

I was matched on eharmomy with a 38-year-old divorced single dad of a six-year-old boy. For my match settings, I select that I don't want to be matched with anyone who has children under the age of 18 living at home full time. I'm not allowed the option of selecting to be matched only with others in my age range (32 to 43- how I set it) who have never been married, or at least have never had children. Most single dads have kids who are living with the ex-wife. I get matched from time to time with single dads and I always close their accounts first.

 

This particular match did not tell me until our first phone call that he was divorced and had a child. I've never dated anyone with a child before. I have nothing against kids. I want one of my own. I just have a very difficult time with the whole idea of supporting a first family (it's his obligation not mine if that makes sense). Maybe that sounds mean, but it's how I feel. I've worked really hard for what I have, and it does bother me to think that I can't enter a marriage fully and share what I have with my husband and he shares what he has with me, because he already has a first family. I know that his first priority will always be his first family.

 

I really don't know how to date someone who has a child. I don't know if I want to help raise another woman's child while I have my own kids. It's the exwife I really don't want to deal with. I know that she lives near him.

 

I'd like to at least meet him and find out more about his divorce and his arrangements with his exwife, whether or not she's remarried, etc.

 

How do I tactfully ask him questions at our first meeting about his divorce? I want to know when and why his marriage ended, what his relationship is now like with his ex and child, and whether he's open to the possibility of marriage and kids in the future.

 

How do I broach the subject without sounding like I'm grilling him? This is very important to me to find out the details early.

[metro_girl]

The other thing is, I'm also going out with a 32-year-old who has never been married and doesn't have any kids. Maybe I should just stick to my rule about not dating single dads and not even meet him?

[LiquidCherry]

If you're not comfortable dating someone divorced and with a child you're not comfortable dating someone divorced and with a child. I'm a single parent myself and I know it's hard to find people accepting and ever more so at my age. But the thing is, I wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't at the very least okay with the fact that I have a child. Sure, it's limiting and only in a perfect world would everyone welcome a dating situation like this but it's my life, it's their life, and we have to both be okay with the way things are for a relationship to work. I fully believe that my son is my responsibility but when I marry my future husband will have to consider my son a part of OUR family.. I never want to replace my son's father but step parent or not he would have to take on a parenting roll. My son is a very big and important part of my life. Anyway, the thought that comes to my mind is to not waste this man's time and find someone else who you are more compatible with. You know what you want so why would you settle before a first date?

[metro_girl]

LiquidCherry: I think it's different for a young single mom, such as yourself. Men don't seem to have a problem with dating single moms. If you are honest with yourself, would you prefer to date a man who has no exwife and no children? Don't you think it would be easier to meet someone who doesn't have those emotional and financial ties?

 

The exwife scares me. I was a teacher for awhile and I know that it's difficult for the kids. I'm really a very nice person and I'm great with kids. I just don't know if I could be great in a blended family.

[BellaDonna]

Metro,

 

I think it's perfectly fine to have preferences. I think if you do not want to date a man who has been divorced or has children- then that is fine.

 

I guess I just wanted to say that there are plenty of good men out there who are fathers and who are divorced.

 

However it seems that you've thought long and hard about this, and have valid reasons for not wanting to date a man with children or an ex-wife.

 

Be true to yourself.

 

I suppose going on a casual date with this single-dad is ultimately harmless.

 

But based on what you have written in your post

 

I don't know if I want to help raise another woman's child while I have my own kids. It's the exwife I really don't want to deal with. I know that she lives near him.

 

I think you will still find him flawed, no matter how he answers any questions about his previous marriage and his child.

 

But again- a date can't hurt.

 

 

BellaDonna