Got back with ex, but...

[therealshrek]

Hello all, this is my first post to the boards. Was pointed here by a friend. I apologize for my long post to come.

 

Some background on me: Ex broke up with me 5 months ago after a 3 year relationship, I began NC for about a month, but made the mistake of contacting her by email. She told me to stop contacting her. Another month of NC until she contacted me through cell phone txt msgs. During winter break from college, we talked a lil on the phone and spent Xmas eve together (her family asked me to spend it with them and she actually invited me as well). The week following Xmas, we hung out several times and went to dinner one night. The dinner actually ended up being us arguing about old times. We were planning to hit a movie, but we were both not in the mood after the dinner conversation. On the drive home, we didnt talk at all. We got back to her parents' house and I went to the guest room to hit the hay. The ex came into the room and we ended up having sex. It was more physical than emotional. This last month, we have talked everyday and eventually got back together. To celebrate, we went on a 3-day vacation together. The vacation was odd: had a lot of sex, but talked very little. She seemed somewhat distant. After the vacation, things seemed to return to normal, as if we had never broken up. During our breakup, I had made a lot of changes (I was a little controlling and possessive of her, but finally realized that and fixed it, among other things).

 

We are back together but there are a couple lil things that have weirded me out and I'm wondering if maybe I'm just over-analyzing things.

 

One thing is that she says I dont spend enough money on her. Before the break up, we were pretty even about spending money on eachother. EX: I'd treat to dinner and a movie one night, then she'd treat the next time we went to dinner and a movie. That changed when she got a lower paying job and her bills started piling up, which turned to me paying for 95% of the things we did. It didnt bother me, but it hurt my wallet. She was always appreciative of the things I bought her. Now she constantly says I dont spend money on her, which is complete BS, because I paid for the entire 3-day vacation we went on. I buy her flowers, CDs, DVDs, clothes, etc all the time, but she still complains. When she complains and I mention that I just bought her a couple CDs and a sweater the other day at the mall, she gets mad because I'm "throwing it in her face" and "if you buy someone a gift, you shouldnt hold it against them" or something along those lines.

 

Another thing is she is really into lingerie and sex-related things now. Before the break up, her belief was that lingerie was a waste of money and didnt really like talking about sex outside of having it. Now she has almost a drawer full of lingerie and constantly talks about sex. She also does "freakier" things in bed. It almost weirds me out a bit. Being a guy, youd think Id like this new change, but it actually trips me out.

 

One more thing is she never wants to do anything I suggest. I'll mention to her that I really want to see so-n-so movie and she'll tell me she doesnt want to see it for some reason (doesnt look interesting, read bad reviews, etc). Then a couple days later she'll tell me she went and saw it with a friend or wont even tell me at all (her sister will tell me or something). Everything we do has to be suggested by her, and if I dont feel like doing what she wants, then all hell breaks loose. Its as if she wants to call 100% of the shots now.

 

Dont get me wrong, I'm completely in love with her, but these lil things are in the back of my head. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

 

Any input is appreciated.

 

Thanx

[DN]

Now she constantly says I dont spend money on her, which is complete BS, because I paid for the entire 3-day vacation we went on. I buy her flowers, CDs, DVDs, clothes, etc all the time, but she still complains. When she complains and I mention that I just bought her a couple CDs and a sweater the other day at the mall, she gets mad because I'm "throwing it in her face" and "if you buy someone a gift, you shouldnt hold it against them" or something along those lines.

 

Are you sure that she got back together with you for the right reasons?

[therealshrek]

Are you sure that she got back together with you for the right reasons?

do u think she's using me?

[DN]

Certainly sounds like it. She got a lower paying job and started to rely on you to pay her way and then when you broke up soddenly missed the freebies. Then she gets back with you, you spend a truckload of money on her and it's not enough for her - and she has the brass neck to complain about it.

 

Never take advantage of someone and never allow anyone to take advantage of you. This relationship seems very advantageous to only one partner.

 

I am also suspicious of her not wanting to do things you want to do - are the things she wants to do instead more expensive?

[Nathalie1970]

From a girl's point of view, it seems like she might be using you. Did she date anyone else while you were broken up? That might explain the lingerie and the new stuff in bed. She might still be keeping her options open. She wants you to buy her all kinds of stuff but what is she giving you in return?? I don't mean actual stuff but she could give you love, affection, understanding etc...not harp on what your not buying her. I know you love her but try sitting down and talking to her, explain that you want this relationship to work and how the both of you can accomplish this.

 

Hope some of this helps

[therealshrek]

I am also suspicious of her not wanting to do things you want to do - are the things she wants to do instead more expensive?

No, not more expensive, just like for example, if i want to go to the beach, she'll say she doesnt want to and then she'll suggest going to the mall to buy clothes. I'll say I dont want to go to the mall and she gets mad. Dumb stuff like that...

 

From a girl's point of view, it seems like she might be using you. Did she date anyone else while you were broken up? That might explain the lingerie and the new stuff in bed. She might still be keeping her options open. She wants you to buy her all kinds of stuff but what is she giving you in return?? I don't mean actual stuff but she could give you love, affection, understanding etc...not harp on what your not buying her. I know you love her but try sitting down and talking to her, explain that you want this relationship to work and how the both of you can accomplish this.

 

Hope some of this helps

im pretty sure she wasnt seeing anyone else during our breakup, but I guess I'm not 100% sure. She does give me a lot of love, affection, and the such, but there are instances of what I mentioned above.

 

thanks for the input folkz

[DN]

Ok - guard your heart, use your head, and keep us posted.

[arwen]

Hey Shrek,

 

Welcome aboard!

 

It sounds like both you and your ex have really changed during the break up. The change you see in her might be the result of the interaction with your changed behaviour towards her, if you still follow me. You say you started to be less controlling, you say. Maybe this makes her feel like she has more freedom to be who she is.

 

I remember from previous relationships that I was too controlling as well. After a break up in my first relationship, I changed that kind of behaviour. And my ex started to be happier around me, but he did 'use' his freedom, which in the end made us break up. We just wanted different things, and some things just can't be changed about who you are.

 

Maybe under the more controlling you, she felt she should behave in a certain way. Like a more conservative girl that spends every minute with her bf. Now that this is not the case anymore, she might want to be more wild in the bed department, and have the freedom to re-decide on a movie and see it with friends. If this is not what YOU want in the relationship, you should talk things over with her.

 

Ilse

[therealshrek]

thanks for the reply, ilse. opened up my eyes to some stuff. thanx. I actually sat down with her today and had a lil discussion. she ended up saying I was selfish and trying to control her. she was very upset and said that she thought we were making progress, but now feels we have taken a step back in the progress.

[Nathalie1970]

Trying to keep the lines of communication open is not being controlling. I wish my ex bf who is very controlling had thought to sit down and discuss our relationship. It might have made things better.