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This Love thing is for the birds

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Back in 2002 I was in a NIGHTMARE of a relationship, that resulted in me having a gun pointed to my head for 2 hours before he let me go, well after that night, it took me 2 years to even want to even think about dating or even loving a man in a relationship....So with my barriers around my heart built, and my guard high, I meet Vince, vince came into my life when I needed the power to leave my home town and forget about my ugly past with the gun toting freak. Not really wanting to let vince into my heart, he gained my trust, and gained my love, and when he gained all that? OH MY GOD I was so happy in love, he treated me great, made me feel like the woman I have always wanted to feel like. So I move to this small town where he lives, to be with him, and man, what a let down this has been. I moved here thinking, "he is the one" and I have done everything for this man, but bathe him and dress, why?? cuz I do that for the ones I love and care about. Now, here it is, less than a year since I moved here, and I'm totaly misreable and feel stuck in this town where I know no one. We use to be VERY sexualy active with each other, that dont happen, we use to go out, that dont happen, he use to make me feel soooooo beautiful, that dont happen either....... And I am sure some of you are thinking, hmmm maybe she let herself go and things have changed that way, no they have not, I am the same person, size and all, since he met me, I am VERY clean about myself, and am sick of hearing the " its not you its me" line. The last time he touched me sexualy was before Oct of 2005.......well since a recent fight took place, I have been sleeping in the spare room of our house, and I am almost fine with that, cuz I know that I am not laying next to him, feeling very unattractive.

Maybe I am not looking for answers, as much as I am looking for a way to vent my hurt, disappointment and my lonlieness..... I work full time, he just recently got a min wage paying job about a month ago, so for the last 4 months I have been paying the bills. I just want someone to love me for me, and I guess I do have a question, why would a man go thru all the hassle and the heartache of busting their butt to get into my heart, only to wreck havoc on it, once they get inside. I am 34 years old, and I hate the thought of even wanting to start new with someone. I am not the jealouse type, I totaly believe that each person needs to be themselves, and have that time allowed to them, I live to laugh, I am always finding humor in my life, I have too, in order for me to keep it together.

So, here I sit, living in his small town, dont have anyone I hang out with, cuz they are all his friends. So when I am at work, working over nights, thats my only human interaction, other wise I am at home talking to my dog......wooohooo, I feel like such a loner and a freak, I live with someone and yet I am soooooo alone, and I hate it.....I have set a goal for myself to secretly save money out of my check each paycheck, and try to keep things calm at home, so he dont throw me out on my ear with no where to go, and as I sit here thinking about the goal I have set, man, summer seems soooo far away, I just hope that I can hang in there.....so in order to keep me sane, I will be venting myself here from time to time, cuz I know my thoughts and feelings would only fall on deaf ears if I decided to talk to vince, hmmm and there use to be a time, talking to him came soooo easy.....maybe it is HIM and its not me, but why do I feel so differently about that???




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wow okay, guess what, you are now going to put yourself first and your feelings and needs and everything else first... what you went through a few years ago would really have scared you and effected you sooo bad.


maybe you should go and find a hobby??? or volunteer work to meet new people. you need to make your life number one! you are important. and yeah maybe he did make you feel special in the beginning, but now you need to learn to make yourself feel special without men


hope this might of helped... and do keep us posted, because we do care

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First off you seem like a really nice person and any guy would be lucky to have you... Have you tried talking to him about the things that are bothering you? If not I would give that a try but don't come from a defensive place just talk to him calmly and express how you feel if it seems like it's still worth it to you to salvage somthing. If you have gone that road and nothing seems to change than I would definatly put yourself first and take care of you and find someone that apprieciates all you have to offer. Remember that you are the most important thing in your life so make yourself happy. Also don't have any fear about having to start something new with someone to me it the best part of any relationship. Life about taking chances you win some and you lose some but at least you try. Good luck, Chris

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Oh my god, have I ever tried talking to him, and I am not one that lives for conflict, I would rather love than fight, and everytime I try this, he turns it around on me, and when we fight? we dont fight like normal couples, cuz when he is mad? he stays mad and not for any short period of time. As I sit here and think about it more and more, why should I have to change who I am and what I feel and believe, just to cater to him, and make sure he dont get mad about it......I know I am better off without him, I just dont like the starting over part, I almost would rather buy a huge house and a ton of cats, and live alone........well maybe the huge house and maybe one cat.....

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I have only a few things to say to you about your situation. OMG I am so sorry that you had to experience the whole gun situation. I hope your at least happy that your out of that situation with your life.


Now with this current man I don't know what is his issues but, you need to prepare for the eventual break up. You know that it is coming and it is wise to prepare to get out of there. I think you should do what you can to save money and suck it up till you have enough to get out of this situation. My heart goes out to you as you seem to need a **HUG** in a big way. Come here and vent often as we have some of the most compassionate people visiting this site everyday.


Hang in there because the light at the end of the tunnel is there if you search for it. Get yourself out of the predicament your in now and maybe think about some counselling or therapy because scares from the past do not go away over night.


You will find someone someday who will love you for you. Your guy is out there please don't give up because he is looking for you. Eventually, you will find someone who will sweep you off your feet hun just need to work on your issues from the crazy ex with the gun.


Good luck and stay strong as you know you can get thru this.



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Hey hun, I can totally relate as I was in a relationship like this before I met the love of my life. This is the only way I can describe what I saw from your post. He came into your life when you needed him to rebuild your confidence... he had total power over you because you were feeling so low & depended on him to help pick you back up again.


Guys have a very large sense of pride from being able to be the one who provides for the woman... When that doesn't happen anymore and the woman establishes independance... they feel weak and lose their self esteem. They don't feel needed anymore and it hurts their pride.


Some guys who are the types to emotionally abuse take it harder than others... they will try to bring you down to their level because they lack the confidence and strength to do things on their own. He sees you succeeding, you mentioned you got this new job and he works minimum wage...there's another shot to the ego for a man. He is no longer the bread winner.


Here you are... this strong, independent woman who has a great job and is doing things on her own. He knows you don't need him anymore and it hurts him. The only way he can make himself feel better is to bring you back down to the level you used to be at, where you needed to lean on him for everything.


You don't need someone who is weak and will drag you down. You have mended the pieces of your heart and developed an inner-strength to help you conquour them.


I know it's scary to start over, but you won't walk out of this relationship with nothing... you will walk out knowing that you are able to give your heart to someone and open up again. You don't have a gun to your head any longer, sweetheart.... you broke free of that chain. Now it's time to get out there and live your life like you should to make up for those 2 years you lost after the last one tried to bring you down.


Don't let someone else bring you down again. Keep that chin up and look towards the future, because it's lookin miiiiighty fine, girl.

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I would like to second everything Hub has said, especially the parts about the light at the end of the tunnel and that there will be someone for you. And it does seem that you are in need of some warmth and compasssion and you will get that here - post as often as you like or even pm some of us if you feel the need.


Look at the quite below from Churchill and draw some strength from that.


Good luck to you.

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Hey girl,

Ya know I can see where you are coming from, been there myself.


The great thing about you, and you KNOW this, is that you can stand on your own two feet anywhere. Just look at you, in a strange town and YOU have been the one keeping this home together, up and running. This man has nothing on you girl. You will get yourself out of this mess, it will just take a little time.


It's too bad that he let you down, he was not the man he presented himself to be, but now you know better. Time to start taking care of yourself first. He has a job now, he can put up his share of the expenses. Don't worry about him none girl, he is a grown adult and should be able to care for himself.


Someone who knows me very well told me this, about a man that I dated, "are you sure he wasn't gay ?" because they could not understand how he was cold to me suddenly. Yup, in bed. That made me laugh, but it made me feel a bit better.


Never let anyone else define who you are. You know who you are and what you have to offer. As a dear friend told me, he is the loser here-not you. Because he didn't value what he had with you. Remember that...

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In fact, I will post what he said to me because I think they were great words of comfort and I think they could help you as well. I don't think he will mind


Here it is :


You are so miserable because he is not a good person and you are. So why is he doing well, when you are not? It's not fair and that is why you feel resentful. And I don't blame you a bit. It's very hard when you do your best to be a good person, good partner and the person who behaves badly seems to do well.


I wish I could say that what comes around goes around and he will 'get his'. But he may not. He may go through life using and abusing people and never suffer the consequences of it. Such is life but it's not fair. So lets forget him, at least forget him once you have got what you are owed. But the one thing that he has lost and will never have now is your love and that would have been so much better for him than any financial gain.


I think you have to look at it in two ways. What did you lose and what did you gain? You lost what you thought initially was a good man but was not. You lost the chance of being more heavily involved with this manipulative and self centred man who would have made your life miserable and somewhat dependent. You are a strong woman. So you were saved that misery and made the right decision at the right time.


What have you gained? A lesson learned, the knowledge that you are a strong and independent woman who is not there for personal gain but wants love and a fulfilling relationship; the knowledge that not only were you attractive enough to gain his interest but that you are now even more attractive; the self-confidence to know that you have the knowledge and judgment to know what is best for you and your self-respect of knowing that you can pass up a loser if necessary. And, make no mistake, he is the loser here - not you.


Good can come from a bad experience. You have gained valuable self-knowledge from this situation, so make the best of it and go forward with confidence and self-respect.


You have my admiration for what you did here.

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Head up Luv! It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. I was in a similar situation some years ago. I was happy to see you have a plan. The only thing I can tell ya is you'll be fine. Follow through with what you need to do. Whatever you do don't worry about getting out of a relationship at 34 - i'm sure many men out there would be lucky to have you. It sounds to me that this dude has a confidence problem. He needs to start training and lifting some weights and get back some much needed testosterone. As for you doing all the work and paying the bills - so unacceptable.


Move someplace nice - someplace you have always wanted to live and find a fresh start.

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I'm sorry to hear about what happened in your past. I think it has a lot to do with what's going on now though.


I think that you fell hard for him because he was different than your past relationship. When you finally let him into your heart, you loved that feeling because you didn't get it before. Maybe you even thought he was better than he really was, just because you weren't used to that feeling. You thought he was the one because he made you feel special and loved.


Now it turns out that he's not the one. He doesn't make you feel the way you want to feel. And obviously he's not going to change.


You deserve to feel loved and happy and attractive to the person you are with. Those are things you want and even things you need. If you aren't getting them, what's the point in settling for it?


I don't think you need anymore proof that this guy is not the one. Yes, that means you have to start over. But that also means that you will have the chance to find someone who really cares about you and truly loves you. And he will also make you feel loved and attractive for the rest of your lives. When you can possibly have that, why would you want anything less?


My suggestion would be to try to save money so you can afford to move back. Maybe look for a new job in another area before moving. Or maybe you have friends or family who you could stay with until you can afford to be on your own?

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Hey girl, this guy is only using you, and it sound to me like he's got a bit of emotional abuse going over there.


It is the bestest plan ever to save some money, in secret, and plan your ESCAPE, because that is what it essentially is. Im sure you have friends or family in other towns, start talking to them by e-mail, or on the phone, build up relationships, it will assist you in planning where to go next, and they can help set you up in a new place. You deserve better, you have suffered hardships in your life, and you are a strong level headed person (I can tell from your posts). Don't let this guy stomp on your heart, just because you let him in. We all make mistakes in life, but make it better by learning from every one, don't berate yourself for letting him in in the first place, this kind of person is the most cunning of all crooks, but you can get out of it again...


Good luck , and you are most most welcome to talk to us, we will listen, and held where we can!

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Hi there!


I am so sorry how things have been for you these last few years. Big, big hugs.


The man you are with now is taking advantage of you in every way. He appears he was not traveling light when he met you. That in itself can cause problems in a relationship. I know that all too well I am afraid. Also, the fact that his job is nothing to call home about, that can cause some problems too. I have always felt you can see someone's true colors when he/she deals with some kind of stressful situation. Unfortuntely, you are seeing them now. After you moved, let your heart open up, and paid several bills.


Now that you know his true character, it's time to plan your escape which you have done. It is good to have a plan on what you are going to do and when. You sound like a very strong woman...you are very brave from what you have endured over the past few years. That makes me believe that you will get through this, you will persevere and be much stronger. When you do get out this, it may be a good idea to get to know yourself again, take good care of you. Maybe get out of that small town and move closer to people whom you know. Perhaps look into a new interest or a hobby. Really find out what makes you tick.


Again, I am so sorry that things did not work out for you. Come here often, there are so many people here that will root for you and lend an ear. You are definitely not alone in this. Many hugs to you and take care. Let us know how you are doing.

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I think it's great that you have a plan. It's admirable that despite everything, you are still able to keep your head on straight and develop a way out. That right there shows that you have a lot of strength and you will succeed.


Your plan should be 2-fold- 1 part financial (which you seem to have under control since you'll be saving your money) but the second part is emotional. I totally agree with the other posters that you need to do something to help your emotions: particularly your feelings of being alone in a small town. Since your boyfriend can not meet your emotional and social needs anymore- it's time to spread your wings. Volunteer- join a club, or a church, or community organization. You need to make new friends and develop a support system.


As other have said you seem like a very intelligent and kind woman. You should have no problem finding happiness when you clearly have so much to offer. Keep your head held high and one foot out the door as you stick to your plan to leave. Keep us posted on how you're doing,



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I wanna thank you all for your encouraging words, I guess I have always know the answers to all this, and sometimes it just takes an outter source for me to gain that inner strength in me, which I feel growing stronger each and everytime I read all your replies......I cant thank you all enough...I will keep you all posted on my progress, but until then, you all take care, and know that you helped me in so many ways, truly.....Stacy

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