She's Back, Now I'm scared...-FCTex

[FCTex]

Well, I haven't posted in quite a while, so bare with me while I vent somewhat..

 

Long story short, I was with a girl for 1 1/2 years, very involved in each others lives, talked of marriage and futures, and kids, and the like. Very loving relationship, and I couldn't have been happier. 6 Months ago, my life broke loose. She left me for no apparent reason really, or so it seemed. It seemed we had some problem and we both negelected to be adult about it and work on it, and she made a rash decision, which she later regretted, but kept to, simply out of pride.. We didn't maintain any contact for the first 2-3 months.

 

Shortly there after, we talked a few times, argued about everything going on.. She got involved in a relationship shortly after the break up. I instead turned to my friends, and started partying and going out at night. I filled my time with friends, and one night stands, and randoms dates. We met up once between that, and attempted to talk about things, and ended up sleeping with each other. No emotion, morely pure physical needs.

 

We shortly after had a blow up. I had enough, and I told her on the phone one night everything I wanted to stay to her at that time, and everything I thought she needed to know. Apparently that set in well, and she shortly after had a down moment, and tried to get in touch with me several times. I denied her, ignored her and moved on. I erased her from my life as best I could and I was once happy again, somewhat... She stopped for a while and around the 4 month mark, I got into a relationship, which at the time seemed to be what I wanted. It went well, was alot of fun and met a really great women and great new friends..

 

Fast forward past a rough Christmas and New Year, which my ex attempted several times, through e-mail, AIM, siblings, family, and phone/text to get in touch with me and express her regret and hurt.. I slowly opened up, but denied her again due to my relationship, and her relationship.

 

Now at the 6th month mark.. I have been talking to her freely, for 3 weeks. I've seen her on several occasions, even at work. I work for her father, since I didnt mention that. He's my employer. But I've gone to dinner with her, and had some serious talks, and my heart has gotten pulled back into her. She's changed a good bit, and so have I. It's been nothing but great seeing her. I've stayed the night with her, and at her parents house with her, and gone to church with her family, everything that we all used to do.. While we both were in relationships at the time and I know and my heart knows this was a simple form of cheating, and I hated it. I couldnt stand it.. This past week, I ended my relationship. I decided that I wasn't as happy as I used to be, and that with this new found chance, I could see atleast trying to work on things with my ex, and if they don't I know the second time around I wont hurt as much and I can truly walk away..

 

 

The main deal is this... I'm not worried she'll do this to me again, as anyone could.. I'm not worried about cheating, as her and I both were unfaithful to our current affairs, and we've talked about how this is definitely not something we agree with. I'm so in love with this women, all over again, and like it never faded. I told her she needed to leave her boyfriend now if she felt like everything she's told me, and how she loves me so much and wants to marry me in the future and can't stand to not have me in her life.

 

I believe her. And she's told me she's wanting to think it through, thats fine, but I told her I will walk away, and I will not wait on her. I will not be taken for a ride again, simply put. I told her that she can etheir act on this, and deal with everything, or she can do nothing and her and I can say our goodbyes and never be a part of each others lives.. She cried her eyes out.. That evening she told me she was going to break up with him, because she loves me and can't see her life without me, and loving anyone else like she does me... So we'll see..

 

She's back, she's a newer person, a greater person in my eyes, and she seems to be real about her intentions. We'll see.. I'm excited about what could happen, and at the same time, terrified of what it could hold. I want nothing but the best again, and I don't want to be hurt, even if ever so slight, I just want this to work. We both said we're not going to try again, but this time do it..

 

Valentines Day is our 2 year anniversary had we still been together(cheesy I know.)... I just had the wildest dream, that we rekindled this all on the same day, or close to it, and picked up where we left off..

[Lady Bugg]

That's awesome FCT...

 

I really really hope things work out for you guys. It will be nice to see a happy ending here...and on V-Day no less.

It sounds like you guys have a real shot at making it work.

How did your recent g/f take the break up? That must have been a bummer for her ....

[coooolsome]

WOW, all I can say is WOW. You truly dont know what the future holds huh FCTex. She better break it off really quick otherwise I would say walk.

[tomservo]

Congratulations! This is the kind of story I like to hear.

 

There are the kind of people in these types of forums that always say situations like these are hopeless. And, truth be told, they're right most of the time. But then there are stories like this that inspire hope in me. Not the kind of hope that leaves you desperately and pathetically waiting for someone while life passes you by, but the hope that the one you want might come back. And even if they don't, you'll still be happy.

[coastal881]

Scary times, I know the feeling.

I Hope it works out for you.

[Relationship Coach]

FCTEX,

I remember your situation with this girl and your fears of being fired by her father. You've done everything right and kept your relationship woes from causing you issues at work. Her father recognizes your value to his company and probably knows how difficult his little princess can be. You moved on as she did, now it appears you have come full circle and it sounds like you both have grown a great deal and may be able to build off of your foundation. I wish you the best of luck.

 

RC

[FCTex]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I'm excited at what the future holds, and I'm so hesistant at the same time.

 

 

I enjoy seeing her as often as I can, and as often as she wants. She's opening up and wanting to see me and make plans, but at the same time, I feel like she's hesistant to make something so.. almost permanent as best as I could describe it. She seems hesistant to leave her current relationship for fear of what could happen after, and the state of herself.

 

I left my relationship, so I could put all of me back into this. She's told me she's going to do the same and I hold her to that, until it's done and closed...

 

 

I don't want to rush her, but I'm not going to just continue the way things are, which are good, but aren't great like they can be. We both kinda keep our distance and we aren't as affectionate, or loving, solely because we aren't together yet and she has still yet to handle breaking up with her boyfriend.

 

I'm going to give her a little time and sure enough, I will walk away this time if she doesn't act on her words. I want actions, no words this time around. She said she wasnts the same thing too..

 

We'll see... This was the biggest surprise to me.. And her. She thought i wouldnt want to talk to her again, and told me she was so hurt to not try too, and I'm glad she did.. I'm glad she had the guts to try and try and keep trying at me.

[photomo]

This is the sort of post that makes me think "if only this could happen to me..."

 

It's great to hear that things look up for you. I hope it all goes well, and things work out better than before. My friends always tell me that things will never be the same if you get back with an ex, and you now have the chance to prove this - by making things BETTER.

 

Good luck!

[FCTex]

Thats how I'm looking at it. I'd like to make things better than before. I'd like to say and express feelings to her that I negelected to do so before. I want her to know without a doubt that I love her more than I could ever care to express or tell her. She will never find a man that will love her for who she is, more than me..

 

 

But in the same breathe, this is definitely not a walk in the park. I took the long dustry road, less traveled..

[FCTex]

Well, as an update...

 

My ex didnt give me a straight answer as for when she planned to break up with her boyfriend..

 

I told her we will not see each other until then. She quickly said she planned to do it soon, just had to get it all arranged and everything..

 

She was asking me tonight if I would move into her apartment her, since I'm looking for a new place to live at the moment... I stayed with her last night, and we did the old time thing, and went grocery shopping with each other, and goofed off, and came home, and just acted like old times, almost married if you will..

 

She said she misses that so much, and that she slept like a baby last night knowing I was right by her side with her...

 

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She's pulled a complete 180, and changed for such a better person, and I've changed enough that the problem we used to have, no longer affect me. Such as her on and off smoking habit, which she kicks and picks when she chooses.

 

I'm excited, but still on egg shells.

[jenny_mcs]

Wow, do either of you ever spare a thought for her actual boyfriend, and the pain he will feel when he finds out that his girlfriend is cheating with her ex, making plans to move in with another guy, acting all domestic and sleeping with someone else while she is dating him?

 

I know you are excited about getting this girl back, but all I can think about is what kind of person would do this to their boyfriend.

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmmmm......

 

I am somewhat in agreement with Jenny and Mouse. Perhaps you are a

little over excited about potentially working things out? Don't get me wrong, I am not raining on your parade here. I am happy you and she came to this decision, but I am just concerned that she IS in fact going to end her relations with this other guy. If she is cheating on HIm with YOU, how do you know she is not capable of doing the same TO you? Just something to ponder.

 

That said.....I DO hope things work out for the best.

[FCTex]

Her and I have talked about this. This is the reason, or one of them rather, perhaps that I left my current relationship. I don't agree with this, and nor does she. The first time we slept together, we both talked about how unexpected this was, and how we both normally wouldn't have done anything like this.

 

I told her, that by default I hate this guy. He came into her life and assisted her in her rash decisions, and late made a relationship of it. I told her however, our affairs, are the true ones getting hurt in all of this.

 

I think that we both did this, and I know my ex has said this, that she feels like with me in her life, that he's not there, and it's just too easy to neglect the fact that she doesn't see him, he never calls, never is there, and that she considers him gone, since she hasn't had the chance to see him in perosn in more than a week, to break up with him.

 

I'm in no means making excuses for her, because I think the same thing. Cheat on your boyfriend for me, and you could turn on me and do the same. However, the way I look at it, while it's wrong, any other person could do the very same to you, I see the risk equal..

 

I feel sorry for the guy, but at the same time I don't give a crap what happens to him after this. I don't care how he feels.

 

She's capable of hurting me again, I know this, but I still believe this is all worth the risk again. My love isn't going to stop for her regardless of our odd circumstances.

 

I've since threatened today to stop talking to her and walk away if she doesn't expedite the process of breaking up with him. She got upset, and said she was, and was just stressed out with work/school stuff.. and was going to do that soon enough, but didn't want me to walk out of her life.

 

She said despite what it looks like, she loves me more than ever, and knows that I'm the one for her, and said this time around we will get married.. She's also talking about wanting to live together.. I'm not too keen on that idea.

[jenny_mcs]

I think you are smart to not rush into living together. Just keep going slowly and see if she keeps her commitment to end her current reationship, and take it from there.

 

And I know it is hard to feel sympathy for your ex's current bf. Something to consider, though, is that the way your significant other treats others in her life is the way you will be treated eventually, once the glow wears off. Hopefully this is not her usual method of treating others.

[coooolsome]

FCTex, didnt she come back and want you back in mid Nov? If she wants to be with you, why is she still with this guy? Its been 2 months and she is still with him. I would have thought she would have been extatic about this and dumped him in a second. Not to make you second guess yourself but things dont seem right.

 

Think about it this way, she wants you back but you chose your new GF. Now you have decided to get back with her and you break up with your GF to be with her b/c she wanted you back soooooo badly yet she is still with him.

 

Remember, actions speak a great deal more than words.

[FCTex]

No, she has never really wanted to get back together. She for a stint was trying to get in touch with me, and was missing me around the holidays..

 

Your right, something isn't right. I don't know what her hang up is. Granted, we've only been in touch with each other like 2-3 weeks now.. And both busy with other things as well.

 

 

I told her tonight that once she's willing to work for me back, not just get me back, thats when it will happen. I told her she needs to do some things first, and that I'm getting closer and closer to saying bye again, closer to just give it up, and keep on walking away in life.. She's gotten upset, just now as I type this, since I cancelled plans with her tonight, and told her that I'm on the verge of saying goodbye to her..

 

Maybe she'll realize I won't be the understanding, ever waiting man that I used to be when we broke up. I deserve respect.

[coooolsome]

I wouldnt give her much more time to break up with her BF. There might be other reasons why she hasnt and maybe you should talk with her about them. She might be to busy who knows. But be ready to stop taking her calls if she continues this game b/c she has you right where she wants you.

[FCTex]

I told her that the other night when we had a long talk.

 

We talked about what pushed us away from each other, and more so, her from me.. Talked about our personal problems, issues and hang ups about our lives.

 

Had a pretty deep conversation that lasted several hours infact.

 

She's going to break up with him she says. She hasn't seen him in over a week, he's almost ready to graduate, and has had tests all week is what she's told me, and that she wants to do it in person, and not over the phone. She said she feels like an obligation to him, since he has so much going on at the moment.

 

In any case, I told her that we could say goodbye that evening, and not talk to each other and go back to the way things were for 6 months, and when she decideds what she wants to do, she can attempt to get me back again, in which case, I could and may not come back this time, and may not be open to even having any contact with her. She got very upset by this, and said she didn't want to lose any contact, but rather wanted to get closer. I told her I couldn't due to her having a boyfriend, and that I wouldnt do it. I wouldnt "share" her time with another man, if I am truly what she wants and says she needs.

 

She understood, and I asked her what she wants to do. She said she is going to break up with him very soon, just doesn't know when, and that she doesn't want to jump back into a serious relationship with me right instantly. She wants to continue to do what we have, which I guess is date. We sleep together, and spend alot of time together, yet we will do our own things. She said the common goal in the end, would us being back together, but that we'll both need a few weeks of each others company, and time together to see how things click. If it's any indication to how it's been lately, then we're heading in the right direction with this.

 

 

I've back off my phone calls, and my contact with her. I've begun to tell her "no" when she suddenly changes plans, and wants me to give in and go for them to just see her.. She's stepped up her contact with me lately, and has begun to open up again to me. She's more loving, and affectionate, and has gotten back to being very sweet towards me, with pet names, and wanting to look out for my well being..

 

In my own head, and the master plan of this all, I am going to continue to drop contact with her and allow her to pick up the slack. I'm not going to give in, or continue to let my heart grow any fonder of the situation, until she is single, and if she's not broken up with him in the next week, or week and a half, I'm going to call it quits unless something comes up before then. I'm not going to wait and I'm not going to allow myself to get pulled in any deeper than I already am. She's got a time limit, and I'm not going to tell her about it.. I can, and will continue to move on. I was doing very good until all of this, and while I'm as happy as can be with her, I will not continue to do this and be played around.

 

Stay strong everyone!

[FCTex]

An an update and a vent. I'm feeling kinda down a little..

 

 

Friday night I went out with my friends, and she with hers.. This was after spending Thursday night together..

 

Flash forward to Saturday afternoon. I'm heading towards where she lives, to meet my brother for a few minutes while he's close from school.. She wants to make plans, hang out during the day, and the evening, and just play it by ear.. I call her that afternoon, and we make plans, but she's not feeling very good, after going out that evening, and thinks she's getting sick. Thats fine, she tell me to call her when I'm done with my brother, and when I do, she beats around the bush, and says she doesn't want to do anything and wants to be alone, and couldn't stand to be at her parents house for the day, because she's just not feeling well and wants to be alone..

 

That kinda upset me. I understood, but that still upset me, and it ruined my plans for the day. She then proceeds to tell me that she's left a message on her boyfriends voicemail that she needs to talk to him... She makes it a point that I hear it, as she said it to me twice and once in a text message.

 

I go out Saturday night with my family for a change, and just keep it quiet..

 

Sunday- She tells me that she'll make dinner for me, and that I can stay the night with her and we can hang out..

 

That evening, I'm heading over, and she asks me if I want to go eat with her parents that evening, and then go back to her place that night, or if we wanted to stay just at her place... I leave it up to her.. She asks me to pick some stuff up on the way home.. And that she doesn't really feel too great and is worried she's getting pretty sick, so that we'll just stay home.

 

Then she calls maybe 20 minutes later and says they are going to meet her parents, and that when I get there we can go..

 

Maybe 20 minutes later again:

 

 

Then, while on the way over, when I get ALL THE WAY THERE JUST ABOUT, maybe 10-15 minutes away, after driving all that distance, she calls and says they aren't going that it's too late to make it worth it, and then that she really doesn't feel good. I ask if she still wants me to come, or if she needs me to get her anything.. She doesnt' wanna answer and finally says.. Sorry... Sorry that she doesn't wnat me to come over, that she's going to go home and go to the doctor in the morning..

 

She goes into this and that about all the tests she has coming up and being stressed and how being sick is that last thing she needs.. I get upset, and tell her when she asks me.. and I turn around and go home.

 

She screwed up my plans again, 2 days in a row.. I was mad.. I almost blew up, but I kept it at bay and I let her know how hurt I was. How I think things arent going anywhere with what we are doing, and how maybe we should just give up.. she says she doesn't want that, and that thigns are just crazy right now.. She says she'll call me that evening..

 

Big surprise, she doesn't call me.. I call her and she dioesn't answer around midnight...

 

I send her messages today on her phone and they dont go through.. I call her and she's out to eat with her roommate and sounded okay.. She asks if she can let me go, that they are paying right now, and that she'll call me back..

 

That was 2 hours ago..

 

What is this crazy girls' problem? One day she's all over me, and wants to marry me and have my kids and make a future with me. And then some days, she's so far from me, doesn't call, doesn't want anything to do with me..

 

I've set a goal that by next week sometime, if nothing has changed, I'm just going to disappear into the sunset without letting her know. I'm going to clean up my mess and walk away, and NEVER come back. I know that with a second try failed, that simply it will never work and never can happen..

 

I wish this try the best, but she's not putting any effort into this anymore it seems. I'm done doing this, I'm going to do nothing until she proves otherwise... And I will be sure to clean up the mess..

 

I've had bad thoughts of telling her family she's developed an eating disorder over time that she hides very well.... I'm also going to let her boyfriend know I've been sleeping with her.. That wouldnt be the best idea, but part of me wants to do it.. To put the final nail in that coffin..

[yme]

You might not want to consider this possibility, but is there a chance that her current boyfriend has been on the scene and she was saying no to you to be with him?

 

I did think that you were one of the lucky ones, to have rekindled your mutual feelings, but those thoughts dissipated as I read through your posts. I hate to be the one that says this but I have a sneaky feeling that she is using you. A case of if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

 

As others have already said, if she was really serious about you why did she not end her realtionship with the other person straight away?

 

The strange thing is that you have been all through all of this before, got over it and let yourself be drawn back into the same whirlpool of emotions.

 

The last paragraph of your latest post scares me a bit, too. Sounds like a bit of a hostage situation: if I can't have you, nobody else will! It's obvious that you cared for this girl, would you intentionally ruin her future out of revenge for your own folly of allowing her to play with your mind?

 

I would say let her go. She isn't doing what she needs to be doing if she was serious about you, so it proves (to me, at least) she isn't serious about you. The worst thing is that you have to go through all that you thought was finished with all over again. The only saving grace is that you will be finishing with her, even if it is for your own good.

 

Be brave; be strong. Heal yourself and move on.

[Echo]

Hey FCT...I agree with the last poster. It sounds like your ex is being "sneaky"..and quite possibly seeing this guy on the sly. That was MY gut feeling when reading your post.She obviously is having a hard time breaking it off with him.

 

I was also very happy when you posted that you two were getting back together, but I guess that remains to be seen.

 

I truly hope things work out for you. You don't deserve to be strung along.

 

Best wishes!!

[FCTex]

Perhaps...

 

I think I'm also looking for too much too soon, and she's sensing that.. That was one thing that pushed her away from me.. I was too.. pushy for things I guess..

 

 

I don't know.. I'm going to have another serious.. "where are we" talk.. And I'm going to ask her to break up with im immediately if she wishes to continue to see me, and if she can't I will walk, regardless of my ultimatum of next week..

 

I am just getting bothered and stressed.. My heart is in this, but I wont be hurt, by the end of it all... Thats not gonna happen..

 

Thanks for the replies guys, keep them coming. I hope that maybe I'm wrong in my judgement and that I'm one of the few that works out the plans for true love with someone who's so very special to me.

[coooolsome]

Dont say it in that way, tell her that you cannot continue this until she breaks up with him and that you are going to give her the time and space she needs and not to contact you until its done. This way, you arent pressuring her into anything and she will know that you are serious about walking away.

[FCTex]

I left a voicemail last night, and I wrote her a lengthy e-mail last night as well..

 

I told her what I wanted, what I saw in us, and her.. What I am getting from her, and pretty much the unhappiness that I'm getting from this situation as of late.

 

 

I said Goodbye to her, and I am prepared and in my mind, have formally walked away from her forever.

 

However, I left it open if she intended to DO something, RIGHT NOW, about this situation and stop dragging her feet if this really is what she wants.

 

I told her to contact me if she wanted to do something, and to leave it alone if she didnt.

 

She texted me this morning.. "I will call you."

 

I replied and told her to not if she doesn't want to move forward with this, that I can deal with the easy way out, and that I said my goodbye. I told her to think it over, and let me know eitheir way.

 

She sent another message right after and said, "I will call you. Sorry, I just woke up and I got the messages. I'll call."

 

I've yet to receive a call today, just got home from work. I'm expecting something tonight, well rather, if she calls, for it to be later this evening.

 

If she doesn't call. I'm done. This is it. I said my thank you, I said my goodbye. I will wipe my life clean of her as best I can, and I will not look back.. I'm upset that it had to come to this, yet I'm not sad in the fact I feel heartbroken again, because I"m not.

[Bigbilly]

Sorry you had to get emotionally involved with her again. Try not to let the drama build too much ...considering her father is your boss, correct? It's just best not to drag this out for any longer. I bet it must be hard, but I wish you the strength to put this behind you.

 

You're life can't continue until she's out of it. Completely.