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Think ive got a problem


Lil-un

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When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend that I was physical with, well I wasent really ready for it but he forced it onto me, even though I said no. A day after he dumped me. I put it behind me cos I was stupid and prob a bit to drunk anyway. He used to do alot of strange things to me like hold me to the floor (not doing anything) for 45 mins and embarrasing me in front of friends (i.e when I went to hug him he pushed me away) Anyway after this relationship ended I went off the walls a bit an was put in councelling (I did have alot of other problems to) Im 18 now and my life has gotten better. Im at uni, I have alot of friends etc. Theres only one thing I think I have a very deep scar about. Im terrifyed of commitment and even more of sex. Recently I have had alot of wonderful people approach me and all I can do is say no and distance myself. Even worse I met a person I really really liked, not only that I fancied the * * * off him (come on im a teenager!) However when we where getting together thing got a bit heated. Im totally up for him even if it doesnt mean a relationship I just fancy him, but anyway..... I had a * * * *ing panic attack. Thats not the first time its happened either.

everyone I know is holding down relationships and going on dates, but not me.... i really cant understand it, blokes stop me in the street for my number so it cant be im unattractive. I just think I have a massive stigma against blokes growing inside of me.

The problem is not just with relationships though. If any of my mates joke about sex, i get really deeply offended and sometimes extremly uncomfortable.

I have had some really bad experiences with blokes, I bet every girl does, I really want to start having relationships, but there a massive wall that blocks me.... just wondering if after explaining myself what im feeling is unnatural... and if I can do anything about it

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just wondering if after explaining myself what im feeling is unnatural... and if I can do anything about it

 

Hey Lil-un,

 

Welcome to the forum! To answer your question, I think it's totally natural to feel this way after that horrible experience. This boy has damaged you, but that's not necessarily beyond repair. First of all, you don't HAVE to have sex. On the whole, you seem happy with your life. So first, I'd focus on just finding someone that you are comfortable enough with. Maybe some more therapy on processing all that has happened to you will help you. This is not some incident, you were violated here. Sex against your will is rape, and don't you go on blaming yourself for being too wasted. It's not your fault that this happened, it is however the thing that you need to deal with.

 

You are in uni, and I assume there are special student counsellors. I'd ask for help there (in addition to the board here, but please do also talk to professionals...)

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

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Lil,

I'm with Ilse on this. You need to get things worked out before you can expect to have a healthy relationship with anyone. What you experienced was mental abuse and rape, there is nothing wrong with you getting some professional help. After my ex cheated on me, I couldn't watch any movie or TV show that involved infidelity. It was really hard to even see an on screen kiss without it turning my stomach. I know how you feel in regards to sex. It's a trigger point and you will need to get some help with that. There are some books that can offer you some help but I am a true believer in getting direct help for a specific issue. Good luck and welcome.

 

RC

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Lil, just know that not all guys are like that. I personally love sex very much, but I also respect women. I would never force myself on a woman and I would also stay with someone that I liked, if she did not want to have sex. There is nothing better than being with someone you care about and just holding each other. You will definitely get past this. I am sure you will meet a guy that is so amazing and all of your apprehensions will disapper. When the time comes and you make love to someone you care about, it will be amazing. I think it is good that you have your guard up, but just know that not all of us guys are bad. I stick to one principle and that is honesty. We all want different things or the same things, but I think we just need to be honest. I am sure you are such a beautiful young lady and I am sure you deserve a lot of respect. Just respect yourself and allow men to respect you. Don't close yourself off to what is out there. There are some really bad guys, but some are pretty darn good. I think I fall in between. lol Good luck sweetie.

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