My unsupportive family

[Max1]

I am just curious as to if anyone has dealt with a similar situation and how they have. I've been going through a lot lately. I had been living at a great place that my ex and i got together for only 3 months when he decided to end our relationship. First of all he was the only person I had ever loved so my losses there were devestating to me. My family has not been supportive at all through any of this. But they were like this before for almost a year. I had got a dog that they didn't want a year and a half ago. So I got an apartment. Since I have moved out I rarely get phone calls or visits. Well they don't visit. I wasnt invited over for any of the holidays and I never got a call on my birthday. My ex broke up with me a week after my birthday and a couple weeks before christmas/new years. It was extremely difficult being alone. When I would go to my parents house my mother would sit and critique my life and, in my opinion, tell me about how much of a failure I am and how I ruined my relationship and life. I have finally gotten an apartment and my mom told me she would co-sign and help me out but when I called she accused me of using her.

 

I've never been like my brothers and my sister. I work full time and am currently looking for a second job. I had to take a break from college because I do not have time for it or the money. I never get random phone calls even to just say hello. When I go over to their house I get yelled at if they even unlock the door to begin with. It just hurts so much because I don't know what I have done to them. I know that I don't belong in their world. They are extremely wealthy and live the greedy suburban life style. They act just like characters from a soap opera. Yet they are my family and I wish they would include me. I dont have any friends at all. Dont ask why because I'm trying to figure that one out myself. But i wish I had a family I could depend on. It hurts so much to have to go through so much on my own. They are very supportive of my sister and brothers but when it comes to me they don't seem to care at all. I just don't know what I did or what to do. I'm sick of being alone. It makes me feel worse because my family does not care. I often wonder if I buy a one way plane ticket and they don't hear from me will they care or even think of me. Do they ever think of me now? It's so frustrating. They tell me I never try to have anything to do with them. I have phone records they can look at. I've made plenty of calls with either none of them returned or answered. I just wonder what happened. I can't do everything. I'm 22 yrs old and have so much on my plate. I don't want to do it anymore. I feel as if I go in circles with things just getting worse.

 

Im sorry for the rambling. I know it may not have made sense, but I just had to write all the thoughts down that were in my head.

[ShySoul]

Hi Max1.

 

I know how it feels. My family is not very supportive of me either. hey really listen to me or show me the love and support that I need from them. They have gone as far as to call me evil and tell me I'm worthless and no good. I love them and have always been there for them, but they are never there for me.

 

What I've come to see is that it isn't our fault. It isn't what we do. It is there own insecurities and flaws. They are the ones in the wrong. They are the ones who have issues that run deep within them and we are unfortunately the ones who have to suffer. But we are better then that. In our hearts we know that isn't right. It hurts, it hurts deep. But somewhere in their hearts they do love us. They just have no idea what is a proper way of expressing it. Try not to blame yourself or let them get you too far down. It isn't easy and I struggle with it myself. But you are better then that and will come out better off and stronger then they are.

 

If you ever want to talk, just let me know. I'm here for you.

[arwen]

Hey Max,

 

I am so sorry for your situation. It seems so unreal that families can actually treat one of their members this way. You don't have to apologize for rambling, the forum is designed for people to ramble on, and we are here to listen to you.

 

In fact I get the feeling that there is at least one good reason that you don't fit in to your family, which is the standards they choose and the standards you choose. Did you read "Catcher in the Rye"? They sound really like the people that are described by the main character.

 

You seem hard working, and making your own living. You have dealt with a break up which is difficult by itself. I hope we can be of some support. It makes me very angry that the family doesn't even bother to call you on your birthday... what is wrong with them to make you feel something is wrong with YOU?

 

Do you have someone you can confide in at work? Did you get the appartment in the end?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Max1]

I have gotten my apartment. Well, kind of. I had gotten a call that they accepted my application but they needed a co-signer due to my age and no credit history. My mother said she would help so I called and she yelled at me for not having this planned out sooner. The guy I'm renting from wanted to give me the keys and have everything signed tonight but she was too busy. So now it's a phone tag game. I know it is mine It's just a matter of not interrupting my mothers life too much. She knows how hard this has been trying to find a place I can afford and that will take my dog and it makes me so angry that she won't help like she said. When my sister and brother were looking she signed right away and dropped what she was doing to help. Needless to say I am a tad bit jelous of those three.

 

And regarding the life style differences I very much agree. We live separate lives. I like to earn what I get, I haven't much of a choice, but it's so much more rewarding to know that I worked for something and it wasn't just handed to me. My mother does not work and lives off of my dad. My siblings do the same. I don't care if you have money or not but I do care if you are a good person or not. In my opinion they are greedy. They yell at me and say that I have a problem, I just got off the phone with my brother who decided to tell me that. He is 25 and hasn't had a job since he was 17. My parents pay for everything, his apartment, schooling, car and he gets an allowance not too mention they sent him to art school in Italy last summer. My other brother and sister joined him for a couple weeks of bumming around Europe and I was never asked if I might like to go. I probably would have turned it down seeing as I don't get along with them but I would have liked it if I was asked. Just being included in some aspect would have been nice. It's very hard when I am a complete opposite of all of them, yet I want to be include because they are family.

 

So thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate it.

[arwen]

Max, in the end you will be the last one laughing. They live a hollow life. You gain experience every single day, because you have earned your way through it. At this moment, it's just crucial that she signs this paper. I am sure you will make it. You'll be fine. I come from a family with little money but a lot of honesty and integrity. My parents are the happiest couple I know, and with the little means I have myself, I lead a happy lifestyle. I have a small apartment as well, I have been living there since I was a student and since I don't have the prospect of a very high-paid job, I will be living here for years more. As long as my friends are my friends and I know I am working for all I have, I don't need anything else.

 

I am worried about the part where you say you have no friends. After the papers are signed, you can relax about that part, and I think you should try to focus on creating some friends. We all go through periods in life that we feel very disconnected. I went through a very rough part myself the last few months. In these times, it's difficult to connect with others. So organize this place for yourself. Decorate it with the simple things you can afford and that make you feel at home. It's crucial that you have a place that feels like home. Even if just you and the dog. I live alone as well, I share the house with two others and it's fine.

 

Do you think you will have good neighbours? In the hardest periods in life, I have depended a lot on my housemate and my next door neighbor. You will be amazed about the places where you can suddenly meet a friend. Just relax. You seem like a very very integer and righteous person. It seems you are born into the wrong family, almost.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[tryingtoheal]

Been there, done that. Not only has mine been unsupportive they've actually undermined my ambitions and any securities I've had. Needless to say I've severed all contact from them, on the advice of my husband.

[Helen67]

Know the situation well, but as Ilse you will be the last one lauging!

I understand at this young time in your life you need their moral support and love, but I doubt you'll get, so don't bother trying.

 

It's hard when you haven't done them any harm, but your are still punished. My father ( I won't say my mother so much) resented me from when I was a small child, I have no idea why, and was a good kid who definitely did not deserve it. He never changed as I entered my adulthood, favouring my siblings always over me. Although my siblings work they have over the years asked my parents for money, which apart from my brother my sisters never paid back.

 

I have once in my life asked my parents for a loan of 200 pound, not a massive amount to ask for, knowing what my siblings have had off them, but it was still a big deal to them, and made me feel like a personal failure!

 

Anyway...you should seriously try and cut down on your contact at the moment with them, for the basic reason that they make you unhappy. I'm not talking about playing games, and making them see the error of their ways, believe me, they won't do this for many a year yet. But they can't make you happy, you must look to friends, and build up loving true relationships with them. Don't forget the old saying "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family".

 

Tables will turn later in years, in my family the table has turned on many occasions involving which sibling is going to be their favourite for the next 5/7 years, I was never *it* thank goodness, I say this now because I have seen to much heartbreak on one side or the other, I never want to be trapped in the web. But I admit it took my many years to overcome my unhappiness at being resented. Not any more, I am strong, and I have done it by my lonesome, that's worth it's weight in gold!!

 

Good luck Max, I know it's not easy, but you will come out a better person all the more!

[bettylou]

Hi Everyone

 

I'm 50 and it is only now that I am truly understanding how my family "of origin" works, or rather "doesn't work". I used to idealise my mother, trying to make her the person I wanted to be - it was a waste of time. My father was neglected as a child and wanted my mother to mother him - she obliged. The more I wanted her attention, the more she made it clear to me I was her lowest priority. She has spent a lifetime setting up her kids to compete with each other for her attention and its unhealthy for everybody. She panders to the needy, depressive, lazy, victimy sister who lets her run her life (and that of her husband) and ignores any child who is actually getting on with it. I moved to another city some years ago to get away from all of this although at the time I thought I was doing it to expand my career. My mother "punished" me for moving away from her and started to withdraw from me even more.

 

The bottom line came when I separated from my husband after 13 tortured years due to his serious behaviour problems (Asperger's Syndrome). I hadnt told them a thing -- they made it clear they didnt like him but when he and his mother bullied me they wouldnt say a thing. Their attitude was "you married him, your problem".

 

I finally decided that my husband's behaviour was destructive to our children, not to mention my health (mental and physical) and separated. I was especially fearful of my husband's increasingly disturbed behaviour - that he would hurt himself, me and the children. He and his (equally disturbed)family spent the next year trying to bully me (starting with cutting off money, utilities, phone etc) into going back to him. It was hard but the transformation in the children made it worth while - they relaxed, did better than ever at school and started to socialise (something he had prevented us doing).

 

For a little while my family were a little supportive as long as I contacted them, travelled to see them etc but when I asked my mother to come to help me she refused and made it clear that there was no point in my applying (to the Family Court) to move back to my home state to be with the family as her time was already fully taken up looking after my sister and her family. My sister rang me to tell me this as well. That was a real boost for me at a very low point in my life! I had never felt more alone thanks to them.

 

A year after we separated my husband took the children on a week's holiday (ordered by the Family Court much to my concern) and a week later he took his own life. My family immediately turned on me, first of all saying they were "too traumatised" to talk about it then blaming me, feeling sorry for his family (after what they had done all year to me and the children) etc.

 

I got counselling (lots of it) and finally learned what I need to know about "my" family. They are not kind, supportive or helpful to themselves, they are needy and dependent and have low self esteem. How could I ever expect them to be supportive to me? I stopped looking to them for what I needed to get the children and myself through this trauma and reached out to the positive, supportive people I did know (some cousins on my husband's side and friends).

 

I reduced my contact and stopped telling them too much about what I was doing and I stopped sharing my feelings with them as they only ever threw this back in my face. I wasnt expecting the backlash I got when I withdrew- they came back even nastier than ever, emotional blackmail (If you loved us you would take whatever we want to dish out to you, you owe us etc), and then my mother organised for my siblings and aunt and uncle (her brother and his wife) to cut me off too. Hate to say it but I feel better for it - no having to pretend anymore!

 

I've come to realise that all the unsupportive people we are all talking about are very LIMITED people with virtually no self-insight. They just act out every negative thing that they have ever experienced, they never try to better themselves emotionally. They have a negative voice in their heads telling them how bad they are and they just keep turning that voice on you because you are struggling to be different and do better.

 

I have learnt that the way to get through this and the rest of life's challenges, big and small, is to keep acting to my children, friends and family that are worth caring about in the kind, supportive way I like to be treated. Being positive earns positive.

 

Stop telling yourself all the bad things they keep telling you - get rid of that negative voice in your head - it belongs to them, not you. Keep telling yourself you can do it and you will. Stop looking to them for the support you need and deserve - they are incapable of giving it and you'll just wear yourself out trying to get it.

 

Of course it hurts that I dont have a strong, supportive family - now I see other families and they always seem great (but the grass is probably greener etc).

 

However, I have no doubt this is why I ended up in a destructive marriage - I was looking for another family but only knew what dysfunctional looked like and went for that again! But you know what, you make your own family by loving and appreciating yourself and those around you who are worth being with.

 

Love is a wonderful thing but lots of nasty things can be done by families that have nothing to do with love - it just takes a while to recognise it.

 

Anyway, hope this is a contribution.

 

Love

 

Betty

[friend1390]

>> Since I have moved out I rarely get phone calls or visits. Well they don't visit. I wasnt invited over for any of the holidays and I never got a call on my birthday.

 

 

Oh, if only my family never called or visited. Well, actually, they never visit. But they expect me to keep in touch. Which makes things particularly difficult, because I'm past the stage where I want to keep in touch with them. Given up, in a sense. Things will never change between us. I'd love to be away from the whole scene and never talk to any of them again. But I keep getting brought into the relationship and keep getting hurt over and over again. I've tried to cut ties... and then all hell breaks loose, and it's difficult for me to be so cold-- it's why I'm a target-- because it's never been in my nature and I know in a way it's not their fault. Their attacks are very subtle... they are very smart people, we all are. But the bottom line is that they don't want me to succeed.

 

-Paul

[Bradley]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, MAX1, no one deserves to be treated so badly. I'm in the same place, my "family" treats me the same way.

 

All that I can tell you is this: after 5 years of therapy, both my doctor and I have come to the conclusion that my mother is evil and that my family is completely unsupportive. It's sad but that's reality. I wish things were different in my life too, I wish I had a loving, caring family. But the bottom line is that everyone in my family (except me) sought to get rich and do so by using everyone they could get their hands on (including me). I helped several of them obtain the fortunes that they have now.

 

At 22, I thought I had done something horribly wrong.

At 42, I realized that they had done something horribly wrong.

 

Don't let anyone hurt you needlessly. If you can see that these people are hurting you, stay away. The only person who determines what comes into your life is you.

 

Good luck!