Boyfriend's ex

[Kyleila]

Hello everyone!

 

I am not sure if I should post this question on this thread, but it concerns my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

 

My boyfriend is still in contact with his ex, although they do not communicate very often. His ex currently lives with a mutual friend. I have met her once when I was visiting the friend.

 

It is slightly uncomfortable for me to speak to the ex-girlfriend... but I know that I should keep things civil and at least get to know her as a person. I've started out thinking that we will only be acquaintances and nothing more.

 

Lately, she has been speaking to me quite often. We are both college students so our conversation topics were pretty limited to school, at least in the beginning. She talks a lot about her love for classes that most people find difficult. I am sure that there are people out there who enjoy Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Calculus... but I've never seen anyone who loves the subjects with her level of enthusiasm -- finding them "fun, interesting, and fantastic". Sometimes I feel like she hasn't been completely honest with me... and I feel a bit uncomfortable speaking to someone who spent most of the convo focusing on school and asking questions about my major (Psychology) and making me feel like I'm not as smart as she is...

 

I know it is definitely a silly way to think, but I do feel inferior to her. I always feel like she is prettier and smarter and has more going on in life than I do... it does make me a bit sad to think about her. Many people, including my boyfriend, have told me that none of that is true but sometimes I still feel that way = (

 

Another thing that left me feeling a bit uneasy is that she has been very, very nice to me. I am glad that she isn't one of those difficult-to-deal with ex-girlfriends... but her level of niceness makes my friends and I a bit suspicious of her intentions. She has given me her new phone number out of the blue so I can call her up and hang out with her... and when she heard that I will be apartment-hunting soon, she offered to talk to her room mates to move to a bigger place so I can stay with her.

 

I feel like I should not be suspicious of her but I cannot help but feel a little strange with her behavior. I truly hope that she has made the offers in sincerity, although my friends are worried that she is either trying to get back in contact with my boyfriend by being close with me, or that she is trying to show him that she is a better person than I am and that it was his loss to have broken up with her.

 

She has a boyfriend now and is happily in love so I do not believe that she wants to get back together with my boyfriend (I hope not hehe). I have discussed this situation with my boyfriend and he thinks it is very strange of her as well and that he has no idea what her true intentions are.

 

I have to meet up with her in person tomorrow as she would like to give me a Valentine's Day gift. I don't really feel comfortable meeting her again but I feel like I should at least say thank you to her personally for thinking of me.

 

Any advice on what I should do regarding my situation? I know I probably sound silly in this post... this is my first relationship and I've never had to deal with an ex so I'm not sure what are "normal" feelings and what are not. My inexperience with relationships has always makes me a bit nervous and worrisome = (

 

Thank you very much for reading this and thank you for any advice or comments!

 

Happy Monday!

[RayKay]

Welcome to the forums, and a Happy Monday to you as well!

 

I have to say, that is definitely an unusual situation Kyleila! Very rare that ex's are THAT friendly. Civil and friendly yes, but THAT friendly...hmm!

 

It is very hard to say WHAT her intentions are, but I would not worry too much about them. She genuinely COULD want to be a friend, or she may just want to put tabs on your bf, and get his jealousy riled up (my bf's ex wanted to meet me and was supportive of him being with me....until she found out we moved in together - suddenly she was furious that he was moving on and found someone he wanted to commit with (he had lived with her before, but she had left/dumped him a couple years before we got together!) ).......so you can never really KNOW what the intent is!

 

You don't sound silly at all, just perplexed, as I would be.

 

If you don't want to be good friends, just limit contact with her, be polite and civil, but just don't take it much further then that. She may really be genuine, so it would be silly to hurt her feelings, but if you keep a distance if she has other intentions at least you are keeping her far...

 

Good luck!

[Miss M]

Kyleila,

That situation sounds VERY suspicious. I think you should proceed with a lot of caution. I think you're uneasy about this because in your gut this doesn't sit well with you. And I would suggest you trust your instincts that tell you something doesn't add up. She's being more friendly with you than you feel towards her. She's being more friendly than what you think is reasonable under the circumstances. That is already a red flag, even if she wasn't your bf's ex. The fact that she's his ex makes it even more complicated. All friendships should feel mutually beneficial, and this one doesn't feel that way on many levels.

 

And the bottom line... even if she's completely innocent and completely sincere, if this situation doesn't feel comfortable for you, you should politely opt out. You shouldn't ever feel obligated to be friends with someone just because she is being nice to you. Be friends only when it feels like it's beneficial to you to do so, when you don't have so much doubt and suspicion, and definitely don't be friends out of a sense of obligation. And when you have lots of doubt, take that as an indication that "something" is telling you "no."

[Kyleila]

Many thank yous to RayKay and Miss M for your views on my situation. I will try not to make a big deal out of the situation but at the same time proceed with caution. Hopefully everything will work out.

 

Thank you again! It makes me feel much better to know that others are willing to listen to my story. = )

 

Best wishes to everyone!

 

Much love,

 

Kyleila