I am so messed up

[mj2503]

Hi I have been "sad" since before Christmas. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. We do not live in the same city not even the same country. I am in Canada he is in the UK.

Altho we didnt get together often we were totally commited to one another. We spoke on the telephone and emailed daily.

 

Just before Christmas he met someone else, he slept with her and since has seen her on 3 separate occasions. She lives in London he in another city in the UK.

 

He claims he still loves me but has relalised he needs something more than a long distance relationship.

 

He says this new girl is nice, sweet I believe is the word he uses, but there is no spark.

 

We have spark and still do, but he feels because I have a good job here and have a good life here he cannot ask me to move to the UK to be with him.

 

I know I have to move on, but I am having such a hard time of it. We email one another daily and speak about once a week on the telephone.

 

The emotional depth we have experienced has been more than anything I have ever experienced. I miss him dearly but I know I can not continue like this as it is so emotionaly draining.

 

This past month I have lost so much sleep and lost weight, (the weight part is ok)

 

I know he is hanging onto me because I give him the emotional support he needs but he is still seeing her because she is there and I am not.

 

How can I let him go!!! Please help me, I feel soooo alone.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I am sorry for your pain. Long distance relationships are the hardest, I know from experience. I think it's good you realize that you have to let him go. You guys being in LDR doesn't mean he has an excuse to cheat on you, your trust is damaged and especially overseas this won't heal easily. I know you feel like most of the world is better off than you are right now. It's dark, and miserable, the life after a break up. It will get better, it's the only promise I can make you. Time heals a lot of the pain, and what is left of the pain can even turn into a sweet memory in the future.

 

I would recommend you to stay out of touch with him. Just explain to him that this daily emailing is keeping you from moving on, because it IS. The longer you stay in touch, the longer the sharp pain will stay. Give yourself some time, try to spend time with friends and family.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[mj2503]

hello Isle,

Thank you so much for your kind words, I know your right about the NC, I just have to find the courage to tell him.

I have good days and bad days, and I know most of them all depend on what he has emailed me or said to me. He said I am giving him mixed signals but he does that to me.

One time he says it is me he wants and the next time he doesnt know what he wants just that things can't go on like they were.

 

*hugs*

mj

[arwen]

hello Isle,

Thank you so much for your kind words, I know your right about the NC, I just have to find the courage to tell him.

I have good days and bad days, and I know most of them all depend on what he has emailed me or said to me. He said I am giving him mixed signals but he does that to me.

One time he says it is me he wants and the next time he doesnt know what he wants just that things can't go on like they were.

 

*hugs*

mj

 

Hey mj,

 

I remember this so well from my LDR. My day depended on his email, on his text message, the result was me moodswinging all over the place. I think he needs boundaries. It's clear that there are feelings of love and the despair of not being able to see each other much. But he cheated. So in fact, he already gave up this relationship. I know it's very hard to let go, but I think it's better to just try and cut off the contact for now.

 

Maybe it helps you to know a bit of my experience. I was in LDR for 4 months, all filled with sweet love. He never cheated, but we missed each other so much that we both failed to live our normal life. Our lives were organized around our time on msn and our phones. So we decided to split. I still love him, he still loves me. We didn't talk for a couple of months, and now we are friends. A very special kind of friends, I trust him with things I don't tell other persons. Who knows what the future brings.

 

For now, I know that a period of NC is at least necessary to accept that the relationship in the old form, is over.

 

Just stick around on the forum. Read the stories in the Long Distance section, you will find so many more of us who have been there or are in similar situations.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[shebop]

Ilse, you said some great things and obvioulsy have experience in this department. I agree with the NC, b/c otherwise you can't move on. I think if a long distance relationship has any chance of working both people have to be totally trustworthy and very committed to the relationship. If not then there is absolutley no point to it. I am going through a similar situation as mj2503 so i will cut and paste my story here.

The differnce between my story is that we never officially cheated... we decided to breakup...

 

 

 

I am dealing with a breakup and reading all of these posts definitley makes me feel not so alone. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago (we started off as a break--but we both knew it was a breakup). We did it over the phone as I was away for 2 months. We are both 25 years olds and had disucssed the possibility of us breaking up at one point to see if this is what we really wanted. (we have been together for 3.5 years) so pretty much spent our whole univeristy together.

 

He wanted to keep talking but wanted to be able to date other people. I called him back (after some thought) and told him that I don't think that woudl be a good idea...and that I am open to him doing his own thing and we could talk again at xmas. (which would be 5 months). I was going away anyway...it wasjob related--overseas. He agreed to this and told me he loves me ect.

 

Although there was supposed to be no contact he emailed me a few times and still said they he loved me and hoped that he didn't make the biggest mistake of his life. I decided to email him back when he wrote and was nice and friendly...and told him a bit about what I was doing. One time he came on to msn and asked me a bunch of serious questions, like my opinon on marriage, if i wanted kids, what i see the purpsoe of marriage being ect.

 

During the 5 months we both dated other people (and slept with 2 people). He was the first person I had ever been with so I thought that it was a good to do that. He slept with 4 people he told me. I was only going to be home at xmas for 2 weeks and then i had to back overseas until march. he was planning on going away overseas (to pursure his athletic career) starting in march. He told me that he doesn't think us starting on a long distance note is a good idea...and that 5 months isn't long enough and he needs some more time. He said that he see himself with me...and if we were to get back together he wants to go in strong...b/c once he committs that is it for him.

He is a honest, thoughtful loving guy...and he has been honest with me and not cheated on me...but I was pretty upset by this and told him that he obviously doesn't really really love me and want to be with me if he would risk losing me like this. I told him that I need to move on.

 

Although I said this we did spend some time together over the break as i thought there was no point leaving on bad terms. we had a great time together...(but nothing physical...i wouldn't allow it...) I have come back here and he has emailed me a few times and msned me still telling me that he loves me. I just wrote him an email yesterday and said that I need to officially cut communication as I dont'want to be one of the girls that says something and never sticks with it. I told him this is what I need to move on.

Do you think this was the right thing to do? (to cut all ties with him?) Do you think we will ever have a chance to get back together?

I am finding this so difficult to deal with....any advice or comments would be appreciated. Sorry this is soooo long

thanks

[mj2503]

hi She bop

gosh I am the last person who would offer any advice on relationships. I figure I have messed mine up so bad how would anything I say be crediable. I do know that Dave and I have to end this dance. He is still wrestling with what he wants. I think actions speak louder than words. His actions are he is still seeing her and sleeping with her.

I am not ready to date just yet but I am ready to end the communication for awhile.

I am going to speak with him tomorrow on the telephone please say a pray for me to have the courage to ask him not to contact me atleast for a month.

 

mj

[shebop]

Hi MJ2503... I hope that things go well with you are your ex today...I think that is a GREAT idea to stop the communication. I will say a prayer for you tonight and hope that you have found the strength in you stick with your decision. I know it is tough...i am finding it really tough right now too, but for some reason I have this different feeling of in my right now. I know that I cannot force anyone to be with me...and like i have siad in my previous post....breaking up in painful...but i couldn't think of anything more painful than being with someone who doesn't really really respect me and feel excited everyday to be with me. Can you imagine being with someone and always worrying if they really wanted to be with you? ugghh i couldn't handle it. I want someone who is honest and loving and not scared to committ and willing to take the risk and choose to love me...b/c really everybody who loves risks something.. that is what makes love so amazing and so awful to deal with it when it doesn't work out. So i hope you realize that you deserve more. Don't forgot that... i know it doesn't make the pain go away (i am stil feeling it too!) but i feel better about myself today, b/c i know things will get better. keep me posted on how it goes..

 

stay strong...

[mj2503]

hi Shebop

I havent posted anything lately because I am ashamed to say I still have not had the courage to tell him I dont want to hear from him anymore.

I get so angry with myself as slowly my dignity is being eroded. I know he doesnt mean to do it but that is exactly what is happening.

I am going to not email him today, or call him, just leave it alone and wait for him to realise that I am not going to be available to him.

I told him that he has the best of both worlds atm, he has me to give him the emotional support and the friendship we have shared over the years but he can still take off and be with her on a weekend if he feels like it.

 

Can you believe this I actually was counselling him about what he should say to her regarding his not wanting her to confuse the relationship as long term,as he likes hanging out with her but is not ready for them to be seen as a couple. How sad am I to be part of this.

I just hate myself!!!

[arwen]

Mj, glad you posted an update. So you are NOW writing him an email. If you have any doubts about sending it, please feel free to send me the text in a pm! Can't you see that he has turned from love to a poison in your life? You don't hate yourself. You are simply scared of letting go, which is natural. Don't beat yourself up, collect yourself, write him your email and if he keeps contacting him, block his email.

 

Take care,

 

ilse

[mj2503]

Ilse, thank you for your words of encouragement. I have not sent the email and I am really trying to keep the promise to myself not to email him.

I know your right about love turning to poison, I don't want that, and I know it will if I continue doing what I am doing.

 

thank you again for your words of encouragement.

mj

[arwen]

Hey mj, did you tell him about your decision? Because I think you should... it's only harder when he will contact you and you will have to refuse him.

 

Take care and you're welcome

 

ilse

[becallamjr]

LDR's never work out. You said it yourself he found someone else. It's time for you to find someone else. NC immediately, it's better this way. With NC you can take the time to heal and get over him. You don't need to tell him, he will get the idea.

[arwen]

LDR's never work out. You said it yourself he found someone else. It's time for you to find someone else. NC immediately, it's better this way. With NC you can take the time to heal and get over him. You don't need to tell him, he will get the idea.

 

Well, mine didn't, but my friend is getting married with her Canadian sweetie next year! Distance just makes it a whole lot more difficult...

[becallamjr]

Let me rephrase, LDR's generally never work out. That was my mistake on my wording.

[Pixiemeat]

Oh sweetie, I just read your post, and I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You maintained a LDR for six years, that's exceptional. I'm sorry you've been treated like this, but you know you're better off, right? We've all been through break-ups, but I know yours must be all that more painful because of the length of time you were together and the fact you were so far apart. As cliched as it sounds, time is a great healer, but I know you'll be hurting for a while yet. You have my sympathies, you really do.

 

I would also suggest no contact - it keeps the sore open if you continue to communicate with him, and whilst he has this 'sweet' girl to go back to, you don't. I know how hard it is to face facts, but the more you talk to him, the more you wait on his calls, the more time it will take for the healing process to begin.

 

Good luck

[whatif]

Time to move on if had had slept with somebody else even once. Your life and character worth more than what he can offer. Click on the link below and read the post. You will feel better.

[mj2503]

Well here I am again with the best of intentions but no will power. Not only did I email but I told him he could call me. Then what does he tell me, he doesnt know what he wants.

It is like a roller coaster ride with him. When I ask him if he wants me to just end it and not look back he says no, he still loves me he is just confused.

He gets me all upset and I cry my heart out to him and then he comforts me and says he is sorry for putting me through all this.

I asked him if he was addicted to the drama of all this, and he said not the drama but the highs and lows "maybe" I wonder if this could be true.

He appologies up and down for putting me through this but he just asks for me to be patient a little while longer.

As I said before my dignity has gone out the window, I wonder how much could he even respect me for accepting this.

I just wish I knew how to stop this insanity. I keep saying I will stop talking to him but I end up breaking my promises to myself.

Does anyone else out there do this, keep saying your going to do something and then not?

 

I wish I wasnt in love with him.

[mj2503]

I tell him I think that we should do this and he says he will respect my wishes but then we keep talking and I don't do it. I'm sorry I whine about this all and then do nothing that you advise. Please bare with me I know I will do it soon!!

*hugs*

[arwen]

Ok, then maybe it's just time for a break. If he's so confused, he should take the time to make up his mind and not bother you in the meantime. If you feel that you are in love enough to forgive the cheating, maybe your relationship will improve. I think if you don't want to continue, you should not ASK him if you should break up with him. You are giving away so much power to him. Why is this his decision? Why not yours, he cheated on you??

 

Ilse

[shebop]

I tell him I think that we should do this and he says he will respect my wishes but then we keep talking and I don't do it. I'm sorry I whine about this all and then do nothing that you advise. Please bare with me I know I will do it soon!!

*hugs*

Hi MJ2503... i am glad to see that you posted. Yes...many of us have done this (broke the NC) or had a really difficult time starting it. You have to find the strength in you to stop the contact. I kept the contact for 6 months (here and there) with my boyfriend...before I finally figured out that this was ridiculous and only making things more painful for me. It has only been 10 days since I wrote my final email to him and told him that i would be cutting the communication. (I think i might have told you this). I told him that I loved him, but I needed to this in order to move on. I have not talked or emailed with him since, nor has he written or communicated with me.

 

I still feel sick to my stomach most days and emotional and I wonder what he is doing and if he misses me. That pain doesn't go away...not for awhile i guess. But at least if you do this you will feel like you left the situation with some dignity and respect for yourself. Then he can figure out what he is doing...and if he really wants to be with you...he will come find you. (but dont count on it..that's what i am trying to come to grips with). Always remember that you want to be with someone who wants to be with you 150%, and has the utmost respect for you and who feels excited to be with you... don't settle for anything less

 

Honestly, you need some closure...please find the strength in yourself to start the NC....it won't fix all your problems, but it will at least help you start to heal. I know this is soooo painful..i am going through it too..we can go through it together!

 

Keep posting....good luck!!

[mj2503]

Hi Shebop,

Your right, and I would really like to go through this journey with you. I did a really stupid thing, I sent a valentine gift to him, he will get it Monday or Tuesday. My motivation was to give a small gift as a momento of our relationship, I can say this with all honesty I am not looking at this as maybe he will finally know he wants me, more like remember me from time to time that we shared something special and it was gift for both of us.

I expect you think I am still clinging onto the hope for us to be together but I assure you I have accepted we are no longer one.

I am hoping to be able to send the email to him next week telling him I am ready to let him go and that I need him not to contact me at least for the short term until I can get some perspective.

Please feel free to tell me if I am handling this all wrong. I just want to honour we have been together for 6 years and for the most part they have been wonderful.

 

*hugs*

mj

 

ps Tell me more about your relationship.

[shebop]

Hi mj2503,

I dont'think you are handling this wrong...it sounds like you are moving forward and making progress. I think it is important that you get some closure (via through email ect). I think there is nothing wrong with leaving things on a good note and honoring what you had. 6 years is a long time.. it is important to let him know that you love him, but you won't be treated this way. Since he doesnt know what he wants and he is not committing to you then it is only fair that you get a chance move on...and this won't happen until you both start NC (i think anyway...)

 

As for my relationship, i was with him for almost 4 years...we broke up about 6 months ago. I actually went away for 2.5 months (and he phoned me and suggested a "break"). I knew that maybe he had interest in someone else or that he just thought since i was away that it was a good time to figure out what he wants..... i was upset..but we had discussed the possilbility of us breaking up at one point to figure out what we really wanted. (we were together for pretty much our whole college/university). I called him back after i had some time to think about things and told him that he could have his time to figure himself out and we would talk again at Christmas (which would be about 6 months). He wanted to keep talking...but i told him that i didnt think that was a good idea...as I wanted him to figure out things. For about 2 weeks we didn't talk and then he would start randomly emailing me...which i responded and he msned me..which i responded...he told me he loved me and asked me serious questions about marriage and life in general ("to see if we were on the same page"). The contact happened on and off until christmas.

 

We finally met at christmas (and I actually had been away this whole time..in a different country). To make a long story short he told me that 5 months wasn't long enough for him to figure out what he wanted...and that he still loved me and saw a future with me..but he needs more time. I had to go back to europe (that is where i am now until march..then i will back in canada). I was pretty upset by this..but we spent time together on the break and it was fun (nothing physical..i didn't allow for it..although he wanted to). I came back here and the whole cycle of talking and communicating was starting up again and I finally decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. He won't committ...and I have to sit here and wonder what he is doing and hope he will message me or email me. He was in total control of my emotions (well i was allowing him to be). I decided 11 days ago...that I would write to him one last time. I emailed and told him that I didn't want to be a person that says one thing and never sticks with it (telling him that we shouldn't talk and then always giving in when he emailed or messaged) I told him that i would never want to be settled for. I said although breaking up is painful, I couldn't think of anything more painful than being with someone who doesn't really respect me and feel excited to be me with everyday.

I wished him luck and thanked him for a great 4 years and all that i have learned and then said goodbye. This was sooo tough for me to write....and I am trying to believe that it was the right thing to do. I hope it was. I feel like if he really wants to be with me...then he knows where to find me. If he never comes...well at least i am getting the opportunity to move on and learn from things.

 

So far, I still find myself thinking about him everyday...i miss him and feel hurt that i wasnt good enough for him . I get urges to email him or message him...and i have to admit i am a little surprised he hasn't even responded to my last email i wrote...at least to say goodbye.

 

So that is a bit more about my situation...a bit different from yours..but I am sure you are going through the same emotional rollercoaster. Although I still hurt most days...i do feel better than i did when i was talking with him and it gives me comfort to know that I left the relationship respecting myself and expecting that from the person who "loves" me.

 

Good luck with your email..or whatever you decide to do. I will be here...i am glad that we can go through this together...keep me posted...