Need some advise

[Chrisser]

Wow I haven't been on here for a while but I'm back with another relationship breakdown. I was here before because a girl that i loved left me and I was in terrible shape. Eventually I got over it but I was left I guess with some commitment issues and didn't want to get hurt again. Here go's. I have been dating a girl for about five months now and she is a mess. I originally wanted her for superficail reasons as she is/was a playboy model and is very beatiful and I just had to have her. We went out a few times and had a great time and I learned that there was more to this girl than I thought and eventually we started getting more serious. We had dated for like a month and she had plans before hand to move to Miami. I thought that she should go and see if it was for her and if we were meant to be she would be back. Turns out after a week she missed me enough and I missed her as well that she moved back. We talked on the phone about what she was going to do when she got back as far as living somewhere and I offered her to stay with me until she found a place under a few conditions. I am/was a but of a partier and would be out at least three nights or four nights for dinner and to cubs/bars and used cocaine every time I went as did it seems like everyone else. I have been doing drugs since i was 18 and I am now 30 so I am pretty much done with that lifestyle and want more out of my life. She is 28 now and is into the same things that I was and I told her that if she comes back i don't want any of that * * * * in my life anymore as i am trying really hard to stop. She aggreed and she moved in. It's been like 4 months now and she has not stopped doing this crap and she always comes back crying and saying that she can do it and that we can do it together and I always say ok baby its ok becasue I know how hard it is. This happened again over the weekend and I found out and she knew that I wasn't screwing around this time as I told her if it happens again we are done. Well she's on her way back here now and just don't know what to do. I am leaving for a month to get away from things for a while and I told her she could stay at my place use my truck and maybe come down after a few weeks. I just don't know what to do. Do I give her a hug and tell her its going to be ok she was balling on the phone. Or do I just cut it off tell her to take her * * * * and go. Any advise would be great and I apoligize if any of this is confusing i was just writing without looking or re reading. Thanks everyone and remember that you will always be ok after a breakup and that knowone's heart is more important than your own.

[Ms Omaniac]

hey chrisser

 

ive actually seen what is happening to you a lot to people that...at one point in their lives they hook up with a mate and both of you share a bad, BAD habit. and then when one wants to clean up their act...they REALLLLY need their significant other to also because they just cant be around that bad stuff anymore. sooo this puts the other party in a predicament.

 

they know the stuff is bad and is only giving it up because they dont want to lose their significant other. but if that person wouldnt insist on it...they would continue with their bad habit/lifestyle.

 

the reason this is a huge problem is because she is giving up her lifestyle for YOU and not her.

 

it's like when i was chubby...once i started to date someone...i started to lose weight for the person i was dating and not me. and anytime i got in a fight or the relationship didnt work out...i would gain the weight back because i didnt do it for the right reasons.

 

you two are constantly going to have this problem until she wants to clean up her act FOR HER. if she keeps doing it for you...anytime you two fight or dont work out...her bad lifestyle will be there to cheer her up and help her get over the pain ya'lls relationship is doing to her at the moment.

 

personally...i would tell her i care about her...have feelings for her...but she needs to clean up her act on her own. this will make HER stronger and not so dependent on you for her happiness.

 

hang in there. take care.

by the way...i commend you on trying to straighten up your life and be strong by insisting that junk not be around you. good for you. i know this might sound..well..corny...but im very proud of you. it takes a very strong person to first realize they have a problem and then even stronger to insist & fight to overcome it.

[Chrisser]

Thanks for the kind words. I wish I didn't know how right you are. I just see so much potential in this relationship that coming to that realization is difficult. Everything in my heart tells me to hold her and make her feel ok but everything in my head is telling me to let go.

[PassionatePices]

"It's been like 4 months now and she has not stopped doing this crap and she always comes back crying and saying that she can do it and that we can do it together and I always say ok baby its ok becasue I know how hard it is. This happened again over the weekend and I found out and she knew that I wasn't screwing around this time as I told her if it happens again we are done. Well she's on her way back here now and just don't know what to do. I am leaving for a month to get away from things for a while and I told her she could stay at my place use my truck and maybe come down after a few weeks. I just don't know what to do. "

 

Chrisser you sound like a very generous and TRUSTING PERSON and those are GREAT QUALITIES to have.HOW WELL DO YOU REALLY KNOW HER. I would put my truck in a garage till you get back and THINK IT OVER ABOUT LETTING HER CRASH AT YOUR PLACE ...I MEAN A WHOLE MONTH YOU WILL BE GONE...

 

I would advise against it cause i'm speaking from PAST EXPERIENCE!

 

Alot of things can go WRONG in 30 days! I don't wanna come off as selfish or rude but really think about what your offering her. I know you wanna help but try maybe helping her find a place of her own since "This happened again over the weekend and I found out and she knew that I wasn't screwing around this time as I told her if it happens again we are done. "

 

Those are your words ...follow your gut instinct.

 

Hope this helped.

Let me know what happens....

[DN]

Would she be willing to go to rehab - it may be that she wants to stop but simply can't.

[Ms Omaniac]

maybe if you tell her that she needs to do this for HER and she needs to get stronger and quit the bad stuff...she might see your wisdom and do it on her own.

i hope so...but i also know the realization isnt always so sunny.

one of my best friends was a drug addict and his gf was a drug addict. they got married and had kids. he wanted to sober up because he didnt want his kids to see the drugs and wanted a better life for them. problem was...his wife didnt. she tried to for him but she was doing it...like your gf...for the wrong reasons.

they ended up getting a divorce and she is now dating yet another drug user.

it's also like alcoholics really do well with other alcoholics. they put up with each other's lifestyle because that is THEIR lifestyle.

but if you know you need to stop it...then the only way for you to IS to cut out all that bad stuff from your life. you dont need it near you to get better. that kind of temptation is NOT healthy.

what you are doing is really what's for the best. i hope your gf realizes this before it's too late. but if she doesnt...at least you will be able to find a decent, SOBER gf in this life that you will be happy with.

take care.

[Chrisser]

Your all so right. This is all new to me to. I am just starting to get my act together and stop this * * * * and it's really hard. I never realized I really had a problem because if you have the money to buy it and everyone around you is doing it, it doesn't seem that bad and unfortunately becomes the norm in many ways. I was never the type that did it during the day and I was always a few cocktails in before I would touch it but I quickly realized that the depressing feelings and the guilt that I would feel after became so overwhelming something just had to give. She's the same way and I just don't think she gets it. I suppose and hope that she will but until then it has to be about me and my life. Wish me luck!

[NJRon]

It would be hard for me to decide what to do if I were in your shoes. It does seem like you have a lot of feelings for her. However, I'm sure you realize that you are enabling her to continue. This also threatens your own clean time. The only thing I could think of is what DN suggests. Instead of saying clean up or get out, maybe go to rehab/seek treatment or get out. It's something that she could actively do.

 

In the end though, she's only going to clean up her act if she wnats to. And, if you continue to allow her to do it, it's only going to get worse for you. Unfortunate as that is. I'd hate to see you go back to the bait now that you have decided to stop. It boils down to avoiding people, places and things though... and if she is going to continue to use, then she's one of the people you have to avoid.

 

Best wishes

[Chrisser]

I think I may have misled. I have told her I would help her that I would love to do this together on many occasions but after it kept happening that is when I said next time were done. I guess what hurts the most is that she is choosing that lifestyle over me and then when she comes crying back I know what she's going through becaue I'm there and I cave. It's actually a visious cycle that I am slowly seeing only had one ending. She's on her way here now after a big night out and she's already cried on the phone so I'll let you guys know what happens. I hope I have the balls to do this at least I know I have to and hopefully that will pull me through. I think I'm just going to give her a big hug tell her I love her and let her know that I am always here if she needs me.

[heloladies21]

People do what they want to do and never truly change for anyone but themselves. You already let her know what you want and what you'd like so at this point you have a decision to make. Either accept her "as is" or move on and stick with your decision.