wires crossed

[leyton05]

Hi there.

I'm hoping someone can help me with this problem. I find it very hard to articulate (my problem) but basically if i'm walking in the street or meeting someone for the first time I get strange pre-conceptions in my mind. For example if I see someone in a wheel chair or with a bodily disfigurement of some kind I automatically think about laughing or looking at them condescendingly, like an unkind person would. I dont want to laugh at them or offend them in any way, in fact thats precisely what i dont want to do. But i seem to get some sort of paranoia that tells me "look theres an unfortunate person dont offend them in any way" and before i know whats happening ive got this stupid smile on my face. It sounds stupid but it worries me because i know i have caused major offence to people many times when what I actually wanted was not to offend them at all.

 

I think its just something that stems from my shyness and uneasiness in public. Also a lot of girls I meet get the impression that i want to have sex with them when i really dont. If i'm meeting girls for the first time (even if its my friends girlfriend) i often start thinking about sex and flirting. I have no desire to flirt with or seduce these girls. My goal in these situations is to establish trust with them and show that i am nice and kind and not sleazy but thats not the message that comes out.

 

I'd be grateful for any advice you can give me, thanks.

[BellaDonna]

if i'm walking in the street or meeting someone for the first time I get strange pre-conceptions in my mind. For example if I see someone in a wheel chair or with a bodily disfigurement of some kind I automatically think about laughing or looking at them condescendingly, like an unkind person would. I dont want to laugh at them or offend them in any way, in fact thats precisely what i dont want to do. But i seem to get some sort of paranoia that tells me "look theres an unfortunate person dont offend them in any way" and before i know whats happening ive got this stupid smile on my face

 

Actually, your reaction is quite normal.

 

When you see someone with a disability or physical disfigurement- you are AFRAID. You're scared because you don't understand their condition. You cope with this fear by smiling. You also feel pity, so you walk on eggshells, which makes your feelings about them even more akward and obvious. You are not a bad person, it's ok.

 

Many children tease individuals with disabilities in school for the same reason- they are afraid of them.

 

I truly believe the only way to overcome this- is to face your fears head-on. Volunteer in your community and help people with disabilities. Get to really know a person with a disability.

 

I currently work in a disability advocacy center at a college. My job is to counsel college students with disabilities. Even I felt akward in this job at first because you don't always know how to act. (will I offend them?, should I ask if they need my help?, etc) But with time I just saw them as people and did not even pay attention to their disabilities.

 

We also have programs for individuals with more severe-profound disabilities. I've worked with young adults who had traumatic brain injuries, who are in wheelchairs, who can't speak, etc. Doing this kind of work has really opened my eyes. You see people for people- and can find the value in every human being- and help them reach their own highest potiential. Pity and fear are no longer needed. You begin to look at their abilities, and not their disabilities.

 

 

I think the only way to overcome this is to face it head-on. Get involved with individuals with disabilities. It will remove the mystery and scariness from them.

 

Here's an international organization that has chapters in the U.S. and other countries, that can help

 

 

BellaDonna

[talo]

Leyton, you appear to be trying to overly control your thinking/conceptualising. And this makes you overly conscious or overly self conscious or anxious about 'your performance', and hence your "shyness and uneasiness in public".

 

Thinking/conceptualising is just thinking whatever is being thought. There is no need to control nor change thinking, nor necessarily act on thinking.

 

Wanting/desiring is also thinking. Wanting to change thinking is thinking in order to change thinking. In other words, thought is trying to change itself by further thought. This can be seen as self censoring and can become chronic.

 

May I suggest that you relax on your self censoring and observe all this thinking.

 

Your example:

 

"i often start thinking about sex and flirting. I have no desire to flirt with or seduce these girls. My goal in these situations is to establish trust with them and show that i am nice and kind and not sleazy but thats not the message that comes out. "

 

You are thinking about sex and flirting. You are also thinking that you do not want to flirt or seduce these girls. You also have a goal (more thinking) to establish trust. And you also think you are nice and kind and not sleazy.

 

None of this thinking is either wrong or right (more thinking). It is just confusing if you try to determine 'where you are' from or in it.

 

How about just allowing yourself to be as you are, which may be: having wonderful sexual fanasies; doing some flirting; and at the same time establishing trust, or being trustful. There is no need to 'think', assess, or see your self as being any particular way; doing this may be seen as being sleazy.

 

As seen here, being sleazy is being sly, clever, manipulative; not honest. To be honest is to be yourself. Expressing yourself honestly is knowing 'where you are'.

[leyton05]

Thanks for the help Belladonna and Talo. I geuss ill have to try and see my thoughts less harshley in the future.