Im always scared now :(

[always_hurt]

Hi everyone,

I recently just bought a house with my boyfriend of 5 years. Ive been so excited about having our own place together, something to call our home! Recently tho, as its getting nearer and nearer the moving in date, ive been getting really scared.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago. It was the hardest thing in my life and i dont think my self esteem has ever recovered from it. Although we got back together and my boyfriend assured me that i am the only one he loves and he made a huge mistake before and its now the past, i just always have this fear that he'll leave me again i know how silly this sounds but i cant help feeling on the edge as the last breakup was so unexpected for me. I know that i cant keep living in the past and cant hold the breakup against my boyfriend as he had his reasons for doing so and is the most amazing man i have ever met.

 

I bought the house with him because i know that this feeling will always remain with me and putting off doing something ive wanted so much would just be adding to my living in the past. I think the house would be a step forward and for us commiting ourselves to each other a little more and growing up together. My fear is tho, would getting a house together and spending more time together dull out our relationship? Does it make each other get bored of the other? I know how silly im sounding but i feel like someone who is getting married and right at the last minute is getting the last minute cold feet!!!

[skyjuice]

Hi.

 

Even when both of you live in together under one roof, both of you still would have time spend together and time spend separately with other people.

 

You could tell him that you are experiencing such a fear, however, you also believe both of you will have a future together. This is to convey to him your feeling without letting him feel that you don't trust him.

 

This is just my 2 cents. And congratulation on your new house.

[RandomAdvisor]

If you want the short version of my post here it is: Don't do this. Don't move in with him, and dump him.

 

 

I had to read your original post to get some background. You mention that he broke up with you here, but didn't really give any details. So he dumps you flat, wont tell you why, and then a week later he's with someone else. Doesn't work out with her, so he moves on to someone else. Doesn't work out there either, and then he comes back to you "Because he's made such a huge mistake." Apparently he's made that mistake all three times he dumped you, and each time you've taken him back.

 

The consensus in that thread from other members was that you should dump him. I agree 100%. Months later, and you still haven't though.... I'm assuming you're afraid to take that plunge and finally end it. Can't say that I blame you. It must be hard to end a relationship that has gone on for that long, even if it isn't a healthy one. But now here you are about to step into a void. You're about to make a big commitment with him and buying this house. You're worried, and you should be. Buying this house with him and moving in together is going to be the biggest mistake of your life if you do it.

 

Maybe you're a little angry at yourself for being with him and needing him. Upset at yourself for taking him back after he treated you so poorly, and not dumping him even though he's continued to treat you poorly since. Don't let what's happened in the past distract you from what you have to do in the present. It is NOT too late to dump this loser and walkaway without doing any permanent damage to your life. So far you've let him hurt your self esteem. That's bad enough. If you go through with buying this house together, I can guarantee you that you'll be hurting your credit rating and your bank account as well.

 

This kind of joint responsibility should only be taken on by two people who are married and responsible enough to bear the burden together. You're not married, and this guy has dumped you three times so far. Each time you get back together, and instead of having a discussion on what led to the breakup and how it can be fixed, he simply blames you for everything. Those are not the actions of a responsible partner on his part. The next time he dumps you (and believe me honey, there WILL be a next time), he wont just hurt the self esteem. You'll be stuck with the house and the mortgage payments. Do you really trust him enough to not dump you the next time some big breated floozy winks an eye at him? Of course you don't! And you shouldn't.

 

My fear is tho, would getting a house together and spending more time together dull out our relationship? Does it make each other get bored of the other?

 

It depends. The short answer is yes though. There are statistics that show that people who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don't. I've read from someone on this site that those statistics are true for people who move in together for convenience and not love. Are you two deciding to live together because you love each other and trust each other so much, or because it's going to be convenient somehow? You don't say so in your post, but I think I know the answer.

 

I know how silly im sounding but i feel like someone who is getting married and right at the last minute is getting the last minute cold feet!!!

 

Boyfriend who doesn't treat you right, has dumped you numerous times, blames you each time...yeah, I think the cold feet are pretty justified.

 

My advice is to not go through with this and dump him. Buying a house together wont fix the problems in your relationship. It'll probably only serve to make them worse, and the next time he walks away from you there will be serious serious consequences. You deserve someone who will treat you better and wont make you question yourself and fear that they will leave you. The sooner you dump this loser you're with, the sooner you can find that person.

[arwen]

I also read your first post, and I strongly agree with someguy here. Please don't move in with him. You have been feeling these knots in the stomach ever since you got back together with him. Those are not 'cold feet'. Those are signs of very very big red flags that have popped up in the course of this relationship. He cheated, he really shopped around before he wanted to move in with you. I think you are some sort of safety net for him, and your gut might be telling you the same. I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I just think you are setting yourself up for a big mess here, he doesn't seem committed.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[coollady1957]

I completely totally 100% agree with some_guy282 and with isle, in their posts to you.

I truly believe you are making a huge huge life mistake here. I urge you to think long and hard about this before going forward. Buying this house under the current circumstances is going to be very detrimental. PLease reconsider this move you are about to make.

[ShySoul]

I didn't read you previous post, but if what someguy described is true, then you should break up with him. I know it is hard to get over a person, even after they treat you poorly. You want to hold onto every chance you can. But buying a house doesn't change the underlying issues that are bothering you. It just moves it to a new location. Buying a house can work out great with a person, if it is the right person. But from the sound of things, he isn't the right person. You should break up with him. It will be difficult. But you are a strong person always_hurt, very strong. You can do it, and you will survive. You'll be happier for it, maybe not right away, but in time. And if you need support, we are all here to help you.