Didn't see her Saturday..

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

Just a little update before I head to bed on this hollow evening. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow... since the end.

 

I read your replies to my previous post. Thank you to all who has taken the time to help me push forward. As you may or may not be aware, wednesdays plan to get together with her fell through. (I got nervous and canceled last minute.) So we had set Saturday as the day to get together. Many of you replied that It is way too soon for me to see her. And when Im feeling down, lonely, and in that state of missing her, I agree. I would have been setting myself up for a little more heartache. Not that she would do anything purposely to hurt me, or to make me feel more unwanted, but for the simple fact that seeing her smile, will remind me that I will no longer be a part of that which makes her happy. And that thought really hurts the most.

 

However, she was looking forward to Saturday, and I really dont want to let her down, and a little part of me still DID want to see her. But al day friday I was nervous again. We didn't talk since Wednesday, and the plan was that I would meet her at 9:00 am Saturday. Well, friday night, I just couldn't sleep. After hockey, I came home and even though I was fairly worn out from all the activity, I was too nervous to fall asleep.

 

Then it got interesting. At 4:00 am, the phone rang. Long Distance. Yes, it was her again. I answered the phone and when I heard her voice, I felt soothed again. Apparently she awoke from a dream about me, and had an urge to call me because she got the sense that there was something wrong with me. She came straight out and asked me, if I was having troubles with the idea of seeing her.

 

Its a strange thing isn't it? I dont take that as anything less, than being connected on a different level. She was dead on. I confessed my truth, how I greatly miss her, and really do want to see her, but that I am so nervous. And she admitted to me, that she is very nervous too. She does want to see me, and our dog, and is having a hard time with it. She began to cry again, and asked ME, why it had to be so hard.

 

We agreed not to see eachother on Saturday, as I would be WAY too tired to drive down in the morning. But she did convince me to come down on Monday. She is going south on vacation at the end of the week, and she wants to see me before she leaves. We are in agreement that it will be awkward, and nerve racking to say the least, but it is something that on some level we both want.

 

So I AM going. Yes, it is 2:00 am already, and I am nervous again, but I will put all that fear aside, just because if for some reason, I never got to see her again, I would regret missing this opportunity. Im not going to profess love, beg for her back, question her reasoning. I am going to see her smile, and share some time with her. I realize that this goes against the very reasons why in may ways I KNOW I shouldn't see her.. but being afraid and running away is something that I dont want to do either.

 

She knows how I feel. She IS sensitive to my heartbreak. And I understand that she is having a hard time, perhaps a little confused herself. So, with that in mind, we will come together and hope that the serenity of eachothers presense, will overshadow the awkward feelings. At least for a couple hours....

 

When she said goodbye, she called me babe. Force of habit more than likely, but regardless, hearing it didn't make me feel sad, nor particularily happy... but in that moment, I would have given anything to give her a hug..

 

Thanks for listning once again. I am beginning to fade here, so I apologize if my 'rant' is a little unorganized.

 

I'll let you know how it goes..

 

JP & Parker!!

[NJRon]

Good luck to you! My ex does the same weird stuff... like have dreams about me that I just had, or has odd hunches that are uncannily accurate. Kind of makes me sad. But, it's nice I guess to know that someone out there has such a connection with you.

 

I hope you both can just enjoy the moment and that it doesn't cause you more pain.

[hosswhispra]

Hang in there, JP. I hope everything goes well for you, today.

 

hosswhispra

[Ms Omaniac]

oh jj

i hope youre ok. i hope this isnt too soon for you or set you back. youre so sweet and still so sensitive to her. i hope youre okkkk.

both of you are going through a rough transition with this. youre going to be playing back a lot of scenes in your head and over anaylyze them. try not to.

take care. hang in there and keep us posted on how youre doing. we all worry about ya