still struggling...:(

[locolady]

Its been nearly 5 months since my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me. I ended the relationship despite it causing me intense pain because i've had trouble trusting him in the past. I then wanted to try again but he decided it wasnt what he wanted anymore and said he just couldnt see us working again. He then moved away and started uni - i've had very little contact since. He's having a brilliant time, meeting new friends and going out a lot. I am living back at home with my parents and suddenly none of my friends live near me anymore. Things for me are pretty dull right now.

 

I'm going travelling soon to China and then working in ibiza for the summer. These are things i should be really excited about but i just feel numb. I cant stop thinking about how his life is better than mine, that its so unfair that he could do something so crap cheating on someone who loved him and yet its me that suffers. Please can someone help me learn some coping techniques - i just cant spend any more lonely nights crying. How is it that he just forgot about me because he has a new life? How could 4 years be worth nothing to him now. I'm scared i wont make the most of the opportunities i have because my heart is so ripped apart. I dont know what else i can do - i try to keep busy, see friends when i can, im planning an incredible trip to china but still i'm so focused on his life. Please help, i'm so miserable and i feel guilty for being so when i know others have it much worse. How can i end this hurt? I'm so desperate to talk to him all the time but he doesnt want to hear from me. I'm so desperate for this to stop now, its been too long.

[PrincessLinzay]

Awww hun. >

 

I know things suck right now, especially since he's the one who screwed up in the first place. When someone hurts us, it's only natural to want them as miserable as we are. I completely understand.

 

You have your whole life in front of you though. Ibiza and China?? Man, I would absolutely love that! Ibiza is supposed to be the #1 party spot in the WORLD! Try and get yourself excited about this. It's a completely new chapter in the novel that is your life. You're going to meet new people, see new things and have a great time.

 

I'm sure your ex does indeed think about you. Unless of course he's discovered a new way to erase from his memory 4 years of his life.....hmmmm, doubtful. The truth is, you're better off without him. You will find someone who treats you with the respect that you deserve. He cheated on you, and you did the right thing by leaving him. It's easy to look back on things in retrospect and wish things would have been different, but they are what they are.

 

Focus on the things in your life that you enjoy, and concentrate really hard on starting fresh with these trips of yours (which I'm extremely jealous of by the way... Keep posting on here because writing truly is therapeutic.

 

>

[bouldersweden]

When you try to run away from pain it chases you down and makes you feel bad for trying to run from it. Right now I would turn off the TV, radio and whatever else is on, I would sit up straight in a chair and I would focus on the feelings themselves. That is, not the object of the feelings, but just let yourself feel. Don't think about anything, not your boyfriend, not your life, not his life, not my life, not your cat’s life. Just listen to the silence of the room around you and let yourself feel. This may seem counterintuitive and counterproductive, but it's OK to feel the way you feel and I find that when admit that I feel a certain way I can move on with my life. Don't try to answer the question of why you feel this way, just admit that you do and allow yourself to be OK with it. If you've come to terms with emotion it does not have to control your actions. It can just exist as feeling. Hope this helps.

P.S. He cheated on you. You disserve better. And you're 21 so let all this stuff go, live a little, and know that someone more fabulous is just around the corner.

[deejay74]

this is EXACTLY what i was doing and my therapist told me to do the same thing. it does help and let me tell you, feeling those emotions is going to hurt but it does help to get it out and to let those feelings come through.

[LiquidCherry]

What an amazing piece of advice!

[locolady]

Thanks guys, i appreciate your comments and the advice is really good but the problem is that i do think i've done this already - i've let myself cry, i've had a good cry with family, with friends, on my own - i've tried so hard to remind myself that things werent perfect anyway, that even if he turned around now and asked me to take him back, i wouldnt because i understand that things have gone too far now. I just miss him so much, i feel so overwhelmed by my feelings that i dont know how to put them aside and get on with things - thoughts of him go round and round - i burst into tears in the shower in the morning, driving to work etc. Its such a rollercoaster - one day i feel ok and tell myself that this is for the best, that i need this time to work on myself (i've had a boyfriend since i was 14 and have really low self-esteem which causes me to be seriously jealous) and i feel envigorated by the prospect of being proud of myself - something that has been gone for a long time. But then the next day, i feel absolutely wrenched by the horror of him cheating, i'll see it in my dreams and wake up drenched in sweat - then i spend all day wishing i could speak to him, wishing he knew how much damage he's done. I feel like he must despise me to have wanted to destroy me like this, and i dont know why - we had lots of arguments about one of his female friends because i was jealous of her - but other than that i thought i was a good girlfriend - i cant stand that he hates me. And that our friends still sing his praises despite what he did. It just doesnt seem fair. I know i sound like a spoiled brat - i guess i've never wanted anything so much and it kills me that i'll never have it while another girl will. Its so pathetic that i ask myself all the time - why doesnt he want me?