I pushed her away. Is it really too late?

[Davo300]

If anyone can help, it would be much appreciated

 

I dated her seriously for over 2 months. She is an AMAZING girl in every way. Everything I ever looked for in a girl and guess what? She felt the same way about me and wanted the same things. We not only hit it off from day one, but it was magical in EVERY way...What a dance it was...She loved when I took the lead. She was giving, loving, sweet, fun, funny, sensitive, passionate and totally into me, as was I.

 

Fast forward a month into it. My insecurities started coming out. I would start to need reassurance where I didn't need it before. Why she wasn't as affectionate with me with her family (YES, I was invited to be with her family early on, but that stopped), to why she still kept in touch with a couple of her ex's, to why she had a habit of being late, or why her voice didn't have enthusiasm all the time, etc...Then I took it a step further, and would question her feelings for me and doubt her love and YES, we loved each other. I still love her..We have SO much in common with. A list of 80 things...

 

I started to create drama and became insecure because I was scared to lose her and this in turn made her question herself and eventually me and us and her feelings she had. It pushed her away. She begged me to please bite down on my tongue every time I felt the need to react and be sensitive to something. I tried, but everytime I saw her in the last few weeks, I would find at least one thing wrong and all that laughter and lightness we had created together was dying fast.

 

She stuck by me, even though she had pulled back. No longer inviting me for dinner to her family, or seeing me during the day on the weekends, to no longer sounding all that enthused to speak to me and telling me she was just tired, or stressed with work or whatever. The truth is, I was stressing her out and was not understanding and she no longer felt appreciated, so she stopped giving me the ATTENTION, SENSITIVITY, COMPLIMENTS and LOVE that she had. I was robbing her of everything she wanted to invest in, which was us, because like me, she was thinking long-term..

 

The more she pulled back, the more insecure I got, until 2 days ago, she pulled the plug!!!!

She said she saw my real colors come out and is not sure if she sees us long-term anylonger and as long as there is doubt, she can't be in this relationship. She is trying to re-write history, by telling me that she probably had doubt from day one, which isn't the case, because it was I who created the doubt in her. I pushed and pushed and now she is at the point of no return...I know she still loves me, even though she tells me that she didn't mean to lead me on. That is utter B.S. This girl was crazy about me. My family and my friends saw it and I know it!!! There was no faking going on..

 

She couldn't feel like there was something wrong in everything she did and so, she believed me when I told her that I would bite my tongue and not make an issue over everything. She believed me and wanted to make it work, and I stopped from like 3-4 times to only once, but that was still too much and she bailed...

 

I have NOT contacted her since Thursday night and it is now Saturday. I love this girl to pieces and for the first time ever, I am NOT chasing. I am hoping this space I give her will be enough for her to miss me and want to give me that chance...

 

Please help..

 

Thanks,

 

Davo

[friscodj]

Davo-

 

A few thoughts for you.

 

1) I think you're being too hard on yourself. It takes 2 in a relationship to make it work. You're putting this all on you, and while you may feel that is the case now, after some time you will probably see that she could have done more as well.

 

2) It sounds like she had been detaching for a while, but a few days is still early enough to do something here as I doubt she has moved on yet.

 

3) You should talk to her, telling her what you told us above except how she felt. Women don't like to be told how they feel or felt. Just present it from your side of things. Your best chance will be to tell her that this time away has really showed you what you could have done better in the relationship, that you want to try harder, you're crazy about this girl (pull out all the stops with good memories you guys have had together and entries from your list), and that you'll consider therapy for your insecurities and the tendency to push her away. Tell her you want to give it another try and you've taken steps to be a better boyfriend. A nice spread of flowers would really help too. Make her melt man...you're going to have to chase her...

 

4) If you do all that, genuinely and sincerely, and she doesn't take you back, then she's not the one for you. You should still seek to work on those issues you spoke of with insecurity and the tendency to push women away.

 

Good luck man...

[Hope75]

It seems like for dating for only a few months you came on pretty heavy and become a lot of emotional work for her.... kind of a drag in a new relationship, when things are supposed to be light and fun, and you are just getting to know each other still. (and believe me, after 2 months you ARE still just getting to know each other.)

 

I don't know if there is anything that you can do to make her see you in a different light.... if I were in her shoes, given the short amount of time invested, I probably wouldn't want to go back.

 

However, I'm not her. You could try giving her a call, or sending an email apologizing for acting so insecure and negative. See if it does any good. You also need to think about why you behaved this way. What within yourself makes you act self sabotaging? Why are you insecure in your ability to hold onto something so good?

 

A point of advice for the future, enjoy the time you spend with a partner. Have fun, love the time that you have. and don't overthink every little thing. Obvious flags you should pay attention to- but I hardly think not being as affectionate around her family is a red flag. I don't know many who want to fawn all over their partner in front of others, especially family.

 

Good luck.

[Davo300]

Okay, on the one hand I hear what you guys are saying.

 

I have NOT made any contact since Thursday night (nor has she).. All day yesterday I sucked up the pain, knowing FULLY well how much I care about her. I was thinking maybe she would have acknowledged my emails I sent her late Thursday night, or replied, or called, or something, but she did break-up that night with me..I know she was confused and I don't know if I am making it easier on her by doing NOTHING right now, or if this is making it harder on her. She was confused on Thursday. It wasn't black and white for her, but she was sure enough that she wasn't sure enough that she saw us together long-term and as long as that uncertainty was there, she followed through with what she did...Now what?

 

Based on the fact that this girl NEEDED to see action and not words and NEEDED me to be strong and not weak and at times (more times than none), NEEDED me to take the lead and not always just follow, what if ANYTHING can I, or should I do right now? I KNOW she had to have the courage to end it on Thursday, probably not wanting to, but not wanting to invest anymore of herself and her time into me and into something she wasn't sure about anymore, but that bit of confusion that was very present, how can it grow to stages where she not only misses me, but sees things differently?

 

Some girls want to be chased, but she NO longer wants to hear promises of this and that changing. She needed me to be strong for HER, not to be so sensitive to HER comments and remarks and not take some of things SHE said and did so personally, not to analyze HER actions so much, be more accepting of HER, less critical of HER and less reactive to HER and less emotional and resemble the guy she met, who made her feel good about herself and in turn wanting to be with me...

 

I know she is getting support from her friends and family right now, that she made the right decision, but deep down inside, does she still want to see that I am capable of giving this to her (emotional fulfillment) on more of a consistant basis and that I can and will bite my tongue when I have to (the way she really wanted me to), or is that over now?

 

Some girls want to be chased and others don't, right? I don't think she is HAPPIER now that she broke up with me and is NO longer in contact with me right now. Sure, she no longer has to go through the roller-coaster and the drama and the not knowing if she is going to do this or say that wrong, but the beneath that, there is love and a lot of feelings and I know I can get a grip on what I NEED to get a grip on, but it seems that my chances are over with her, or ARE THEY???

 

I am NOT prepared to just stand back and let her go that easily. I don't think she wants to be let go of that easily. She is a hopeless romantic who is saddened by these turn of events as much as I am and deep down wanted it to work and may still have hope that it can, but how in ACTION can I show her this. Contact is NOT forbidden, but my contact has to be very delicate at this stage. How much does she need to know that I miss her and am thinking of her, if at all? How much does she need to see that I am just fine without her? How much does she want me to apologize, if at all? How much does she want to hear that I care about her, if at all? How much of her saying that this no longer has to do with anything I can do or say to make it better, but it has all to do with HER is true?

 

She ALWAYS needed me to take charge since day one and you know that. That's the type of girl that she is. To take charge, but not change her in the process, but accept her for who she is and what she does and that is the woman I fell for.. How can I take charge in this case? By letting her go? Does she really want to be let go of? If not, what and how? There has to be something we are missing at this point...

She popped online today at 3:30pm. I did NOT pop on. I stayed offline. I am doing something that I NEVER did before with my other ex or any other girl who wasn't sure about me. I am NOT crowding her, or chasing her. I can't believe it.

 

I know she told me contradicting things on Thursday night. She said she was confused and wasn't sure if she saw us being long-term or is sure about how she feels about me and that she wants to break up and if I love her, I will let her go and MAYBE some day something can happen, if it's meant to be. She told me that it's passed the point of no return She told me that she still has hope, yet she told me to move on with my life and not to be in denial. She told me to take good care of myself and that I'll find a great girl. She either feels like she isn't good enough to fit that role because she couldn't live up to the standards I imposed onto her, or she just doesn't want to be that girl..She told me it will only get worse from here. When I chased her at the very end, she told me to stop, because I may ruin all chances and I shouldn't kill it completely, yet according to her she wasn't real with herself since day one and faked a lot of things. I don't know what to buy and what not to. I know she was VERY confused on Thursday and that's what I saw and NOTHING more and noting less than her confusion come out.

 

With all that just said, I am giving her what she says and thinks she wants. Is that what she really wants? Does she want to be left alone completely and utterly? Does she want to believe that I still can control my emotions/reactions/perceptions? Is it really too late for her at this point. Does she want me to prove to her that I do care and that all my picking on her wasn't because I wasn't happy with her? Does she really want me to do NOTHING?

 

All I know is that I have done nothing since the breakup on Thursday night and I am amazed at myself. My pattern with every other girl I have ever been with for the last 20 years (since I was 8 years old), has been to chase and suffocate them when they pull away. I have NEVER done nothing at all, like I am doing now. I don't know if this is just me showing her that I accept it is over, or that I am respecting her, or if in fact this is what she needs to see to bring her back to me and feel confident enough in doing so.

 

What do you think of all of this?

 

Thanks

 

Davo

[Davo300]

Also, the thing is, she was looking for a relationship from the start, but if she no longer sees it going anywhere then she won't invest anything and waste her time with me anylonger, as cold as that sounds. She wanted to give me everything, until she saw my insecure side come out and after 2 months did not have the patience to deal with it and SO, what do I NOW represent to her as a result?

 

She has also not been online since early yesterday afternoon. I believe she blocked me at that point.

 

In the meantime, I think that if she would have made a move (call me) or at least replied to my email, it would have been done already. I wonder what is going on in her mind. I wonder if she is taking this time to think about what she wants, or if she already knew what she wanted by Thursday and is now sticking to her guns?

 

She always wanted and NEEDED me to take the lead, but does that NO longer apply?

 

I miss her and she was NEVER scared off by my declarations of love, but if she NOW isn't sure if she feels the same way, it won't have the same impact.

[Scout]

You keep saying she wants you to take the lead, I'm not sure why this is an important point to you...could it be you're thinking she wants you to make a romantic declaration of some sort to get back with her?

 

If that's what you're thinking...I hate to say this, but I think you're way off. In your first post, you outlined the whole situation very clearly for us. In fact, I was very impressed with how well you described things, and you were unflinchingly honest about your own actions that led to the demise of this relationship. I commend you for that, it's not easy admitting when we behave/react in certain ways that probably weren't so wise, in retrospect. That being said, I don't think she broke up with you to see you "take charge and win her back." I think she got freaked out by your insecurity and intensity. If she really likes a guy who is in control of things, that behavior probably looked like the very opposite to her.

 

I'm going to be very honest here. As a female, I would not want to be in a relationship with a guy who increasingly questioned things, down to the level of enthusiasm in my voice. It would probably kill my feelings for him, in fact. I'm sorry, but my take is that this relationship is over. It's possible for you to have another chance, but not with her. What I mean is, if you take the lesson learned in this relationship very seriously, when you meet someone in the future who is compatible for you, you will have the chance to love them in a more healthy way - one where you're not in constant anxiety about their feelings towards you.

 

Of course, others might have opinions about your situation that are more optimistic than mine, this is just my take on things. I do feel bad for you, because I can understand how when we find someone that seems to care about us, we can get anxious that we could somehow lose them. Unfortunately, that fear drives us to act in undesirable ways, so we end up shooting ourselves in the foot, so to speak.

[Davo300]

SHE JUST CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!

 

I was sitting here thinking of what to do and how to do it and when to do it, thinking she's never going to call me again and how she wants it over, when suddenly, MY PHONE RINGS and it's her.

 

I was SHOCKED to say the least, but at the same time it was very gratifying for me, because I KNEW that I didn't crack in these last 3 days POST-BREAKUP. I held strong and acted like a MAN. The MAN she NEEDED to see.

 

Well, I let her guide the conversation, even though she didn't really know what to say. We both sounded awkward with each other, which is NORMAL.

 

She basically said she was sorry that she didn't call me back earlier, but she felt we both needed to cool off a bit. Then she asked me how I am doing? I told her I am good (I surprised myself in the process)...I asked her how she is doing and how her studying is coming along (she's doing her Master's in Psych). She said not so good and I asked her why and she said she has things on her mind and I sensed that she was not taking this that well..

 

She asked me what I've done since Thursday. I said not much. Just relaxed a bit (truth is, I've done nothing at all, but STAY AWAY from the phone...lol)..I told her I was thinking about us and her "a bit" and I left it at that...

 

She told me that she is stressed with work and school and I told her I understand and I always have and I am sorry I never really verbalized this to her, but I always did understand. I could tell this touched her..

 

At this point, I wished her good luck with her studying, thanked her for calling me, telling her I am happy she did and I said we'll speak soon and we said bye.

 

OKAY, THIS IS GOOD NEWS RIGHT???? Do you think she caved because I didn't? Do you think she was missing me and this was her excuse to call me? Do you think she was just getting it over with because she felt bad/guilty and wanted to be polite and check in on me, OR do you think she was really just testing the waters, based on the fact that I DID hold out and was strong since Thursday and this may have woken up her feelings a bit and she wants to see what's going on?

 

Did I handle it well and what is the next move? I'm thinking of waiting for her to call me a second time...Taking this one slowly. She's worth it..

 

I DID GOOD GUYS!!!!

 

Thoughts,

 

peace,

 

Davo

[Scout]

Well, I don't know if this means she wants to get back with you, but what is important here is that you are feeling respect for yourself for letting things just be for now. Remember, in your first post you said you had a history of suffocating girls until they ran from you permanently. I still can't say that this relationship is likely to resume again, but what is critical here is that you are doing things a little differently this time. You're learning, and you're learning HOW TO GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS. I cannot overstate how important this ability will serve you in future relationships - whether with this girl or subsequent ones.

 

For now, try to get out of the house today and keep yourself busy so you don't fixate on this too much. Again, that's learning how to control over what you dwell on and what you let go of, at least for a few hours.

[Davo300]

Scout,

 

Damn straight I'm feeling respect for myself and if I lost any of hers, I'm sure I am redeeming some of it in her eyes..

 

You are right, I have NEVER been able to do with other ex's as I have done with her and she must have REALLY noticed this.

 

Part of her biggest fear when she broke up with me on Thursday is that I would hate her and she would lose all chances of us getting back together if she felt that was the right thing for her to do..

 

She perhaps could have worried that I was mad and that she may have lost her chance, which wouldn't have been such a bad thing for me, but I chose not to take advantage of her like that. I DO respect her and I DO love her and maybe that is why I stayed away from her since the breakup and handled it the way I did today...

 

I know she will be testing me from here on out, because she wants to see that I CAN control my reactions and emotions. That is the MAIN reason why she left me. Insecure, reactive, unsure, emotional Dave is NOT someone she could feel secure with anylonger...

 

I don't think she wants to let go of all hope of us reconciliating in the future, but probably NEEDS to see through my actions that I can bite my tongue and hold back and my actions in the last few days has spoken VOLUMES to her. Enough to make her initiate a call... What's next on the agenda?

 

Peace,

 

Davo

[Scout]

Bravo! You are seeing things very clearly. I don't know if you realize this, but this whole situation is showing how you are actually maturing in your approach to relationships.

 

Next on the agenda? Believe it or not, you should probably not worry about this. Let the Universe do its work, through time. Just let go...it's going to be hard, but let go...the best way to gain control is to cheerfully let go of the idea of being in control. Because it took some time for your girl to come to the conclusion that this relationship with you may not be what she wants because she's freaked out by some of your actions...it's going to take time for her to change her mind again, IF she changes her mind at all.

 

That means you simply must give her time to see you are not clingy, not desperate, not out of control. I say wait a week, then call her and see how she's doing. Don't call with ANY expectations. Don't ask to see her. Simply call her and see how she is doing. Let her talk about what she's been up to. And may I suggest you make the next week an activity filled one for yourself, so that when she asks you what you've been doing, you can honestly tell her something interesting. Let her see that she is not the single central focus of your life...that probably scared her a bit before as its an awfully big responsibility to be the sole focus of someone's well-being. Then simply end the call with a "glad to hear you're doing good. I just wanted to see how you are. I'll stay in touch."

 

I'm serious, this is your best chance at an eventual meeting with her.

 

You have got to muster every bit of self-control you have, and force yourself to live your life in the following weeks in a busy, productive manner. I do think this will lead to you two at least resuming some kind of friendship, and if you continue to prove to her that you are stable, in control, and able to do things on your own, it might give her the reassurance she needs to consider dating you again, and possibly slowly easing back into a relationship.

 

But she won't do this unless she KNOWS you are truly changing. And it will take time to make that big of a change in yourself.

[Davo300]

Scout, I just printed out everything you just wrote. You're a GodSend!! I'll be 29 years old this year and this is the first time I have ever had this kind of revelation! This feels more mature and I feel I can handle this situation without resorting to games. SURE, I have to HOLD BACK and not let my emotions guide and spill the beans. I'll let HER do that if that is how she feels, EVENTUALLY, if at all...

 

I did mention to you that she does keep in touch with 2 of her 3 ex's, so for her, that is not a big deal. I don't want to fall into that category though. In many ways, I want to stand out, as I had done. I know this is up to me, in MY ACTIONS, which she will want to see, IF anything materializes again..

 

Other points of interest Scout, is that she rarely, IF ever, initiates things. She will only do it, if I give her enough room to, or if she realizes that I won't.

 

With that being said, she may actually call me up before I plan to call her and in that case, what then?

 

Davo

[Davo300]

Does anyone know what my next move is? What do you think she would like to see from me?

 

I did very well during the initial breakup on Thursday night. I made NO contact after Thursday night. I took it like a man and she ended up calling me on Sunday morning. I kept the conversation short and sweet and told her we'll speak soon. It is now Monday night. What's next, based on what had transpired? Please read up and feel free to offer your opinions/thoughts.

 

Peace,

 

Dave

 

NEVER STOP BELIEVING!!!

[Scout]

Davo, congrats for staying strong. I guess I'd still suggest the plan of action I mentioned in my last post.