When to give up?

[evy38]

At what point does a single woman give up on the idea that a man will develop a strong attraction and friendship into a relationship? I have been in a mostly cyber relationship with a single man, for about 2 years. It is certainly more then friends, but much less then a romance.

[novaseeker]

My sense is that you re being used for emotional support, if he has gone that long with a virtual relationship without ever taking it offline.

 

Yes, you can be friends if you wish, but do you really want that? Is that going to be a workable path for you without being hurt, without having the 'ulterior' (in terms of friendship) motive of getting together one day, of hoping his atttitude and actions will change?

 

I think that cyberspace is a great place to meet people, but I honestly do not think that *long term* cyber relationships where there is no meeting at all in real life are a good thing ... they tend to soak up your emotional energy like a regular relationship would without actually being a regular, offline relationship with all the benefits that has.

 

So you have to ask yourself: what do you want, and what are your needs. I doubt moving forward with another email campaign with him satisfies your wants and needs, but you have to answer that question for yourself. And if you conclude that it doesn't, then right there you know you're better off for cutting off the correspondence with him, rather than going down that path again.

[evy38]

I think you are right Nova. Best case senario is, I'm emotional support, an even worse possibility is that he's a player and my feelings, for him, are stroking his ego. Neither choice is healthy.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think relationships of all kinds have to keep moving forward to remain healthy.

If you have a very LD relationship with another person (by "very" I mean from 20 hours away by plane) then it might be assumed it's an e-pal and might remain that way forever but with time you should feel things change, there is more trust, new bonds appear, etc.

 

Cyber relationships need more work, if it doesn't happen there's not even a routine of seeing each other every day (at work or whatever) to keep it going.

 

With all of that I'm trying to say that if you have spent two years of your life talking to this person with things being pretty much in the same stage and, worse of all, one of you doesn't want that to change it's better to declare it over and look for another person who wants the same level of commitment you do.

 

Best Wishes.

[evy38]

Thank you stolenshadow, as hard as it is to say, I have to agree with you.

[stolenshadow]

Ending relationships can be hard, but remember all ends are new beginnings.

[Emmylu]

Hi, I'm in a similar situation as you - only worse. I am ready to stop correspondence with him. It's been so one-sided. I write long letters that go unanswered for days, and he writes these short e mails that read llike text messages. I'm not getting anything from him. He doesn't even pick up the phone when I call!

 

The biggest problem is that every time I'm about to blow him off, he tries to reel me back in by saying something that appears to advance the relationship.

 

I tell myself that if we actually met, or even just talked on the phone, I'd most likely lose interest. (All of the guys I've met in person have been disappointments)

 

When he e mails me this time, I don't think I should respond. Best thing to do is don't even write a "good-bye and have a nice life" letter. Just don't respond.

 

Hope I can pull it off...

[evy38]

The biggest problem is that every time I'm about to blow him off, he tries to reel me back in by saying something that appears to advance the relationship.

 

God, do I understand this one, when he writes, you think, "maybe this time it's different, maybe he really does care", so you make the effort, it seems so small, at the time, but everything stays the same. Finally, all those small efforts seem like you've given so much and gotten nothing, in return.