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Needing to be strong...


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Hello all,


I've read around a bit to get the feel of this site, and I think this is a good place for me to start. My name is Jennifer and I'm 18 years old. I'm in school studying elementary education. Jim is my boyfriend. I suppose I shouldn't really call him that because he's married. Here's the scoop:


This summer I was an aid for a "Getting Ready for Kindergarten" class in a summer school program. Jim is an interpretor. There was a boy who was deaf in the classroom next to mine. Jim and I met during recess (don't laugh, I'm being serious actually). We hit it off right away. Jim is 33 years old. He has two boys who are under the age of 8. Jim and I had a completely innocent relationship at first. We were strictly friends. I was attracted to him - he's sweet, good with kids, sensitive, and very caring. I had a huge problem this summer dealing with repressed feelings of abuse that occurred earlier in my life, and Jim was the one who stayed after school for 3 hours talking to me about it.


The program this summer was 5 weeks long with a one-week break in the middle. We didn't speak that week because I was a counselor at a summer camp. The week I came back was a very emotional one. I saw him and I almost melted. Jim was all that I could think about. Of course, I never mentioned that to him.


The last day of class I went to give Jim a hug goodbye. We held onto each other for several minutes before I started crying. I said I would miss him and he said the same to me. He left that night to drive to Arkansas to meet up with his friend Scott and would be back in WI a few days later. He lived an hour north of me so he said he'd stop by on his way back up. I counted the days until then. When he finally stopped back at my hometown we went to a park and spent 9 hours there, until 10 PM. We talked about life, love, our dreams, everything. I found out that Jim had been married for 10 years and had been very unhappy for most of them. His wife is very cruel to him - emotionally. She often puts him down and tells him how worthless he is. I personally believe she has issues of her own. Anyway, nothing happened that night. We hugged goodbye and it was the last I had seen of him until August (about three weeks later). I saw Jim once more in early August. We met near his hometown, and went to another park. We walked into a path in the woods and he kissed me. It was very sweet, very simple, very pure. It was all he tried doing to me.


We talked on the phone almost every night (his wife works from 3PM until 12 AM at a hospital). He was the first thing I thought of in the morning, and the last thing I thought of before I went to bed. One very rough August morning Jim called me and told me that his wife had found out about us. I had sent Jim a text message one night after we had spoken and he had turned his phone off. In the morning, when his wife checked his phone, she saw what I had written and confronted him. He said that he wasn't sure what he should do. I said he should trust his heart and stay with his wife. I was sorry.


About a month later I received a phone call from Jim on my birthday. He was crying, shaken up because he couldn't see me on my birthday. I hadn't spoken to him since that horrible morning, so I was in shock. We spoke on the phone again every night until late September when I went back up to see him.


To make a long story a little shorter than what it really is, Jim and I developed a relationship that is surrounded and filled with love, purity, and honesty between us. He has separated from his wife (they were separated before I met him, but not legally), but is troubled because she is going to nursing school right now. He wants to help her finish schooling so that she will be "okay" once Jim is officially divorced from her. He is very concerned about his two boys and we're trying to work out a plan to make sure they're okay. His wife doesn't know that he and I are still in contact.


I love Jim very much. He is everything I have ever wanted in a relationship, plus so much more. He loves me very deeply. He cries for me. I cry for him. I do feel very badly about his wife and his children, and we have no intent of cutting them out of the picture by any means. We just can't wait to be together.


I guess the point of this post is to ask if my feelings are justified. Is what we did really that terrible? I feel guilt, believe me, but I know that I love Jim and I know that we're going to be together. We've often talked about marriage, about school... There's a possibility that I am pregnant, we had unprotected sex during my period (which was about 2.5 weeks ago) and the tests say "negative" so far, but there's still that possibility. We're excited, but scared at the same time.


I know everyone says "once a cheater, always a cheater," but I really don't believe that.


Any responses are welcomed, just please be respectful.


Thank you very much for this complicated post. I hope you can sort through my words and find the feelings behind them.




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W hat has happened has happened. It wasn't the best way to get together but that can't be changed. What matters is how you proceed from here. First of all - do you trust him to make a future with you and to make you happy? If so - how can that be accomplished?

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Hi there Jennifer, although he technically cheated on his wife, their relationship didn't really exist since he mentally checked out for awhile & is supposedly planning a divorce. It's more complicated with the kids, however I do think that if he does truly care about you as well & if his wife is really that cruel to him that he needs to be honest with himself with what is his priority which would be his kids first.


Waiting for the wife to finish school would not be sensible. The longer he waits to get a divorce, there is a longer chance that he is possibly confused about himself & situation. Who also knows if anything could happen b/w him & the wife & they could reunite again or the opposite his wife divorces him b/c she meets another man or can't handle the marriage. Also you have to realize that you have heard his side of the relationship b/w him & his wife, but not from the wife's point of view which can be different. Also if you plan to continue a sexual relationship w/ this man, then please use protection. Also think of how would you handle being a wife of his knowing that he cheated on you with another woman? This relationship is risky since there is no predictable outcome. Just watch out for yourself, be objective, realistic. Do get input from your close friends/family as well. Since love relationships are blinding & subjective & they're there to support you as well.

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Thank you both of you for your responses. I know waiting for the wife to finish school is risky - I actually suggested it to him. He was planning on leaving ASAP, but I felt better knowing that the boys were in good hands. The fact of the matter is that they're legally separated now, and we're working on finding an apartment.


I do believe that we have a future together, and I do trust him. He confided a lot in me before we saw each other romantically, and we've been so close since. It's almost pyschic! I sometimes miss him very badly, and within a couple minutes he's calling me on the phone saying "I'm gettin a vibe, what's up?"


The "plan" is for me to finish school here in WI, then, Lord willing, we'll probably move to Arkansas or FL where there are more opportunities for interpreting. It also depends on what Jim's boys want, too. We want them to be happy and provided for, but not away from either one of the parents, either.


I am completely satisfied with Jim's and my relationship. I believe we are steady, constant, and very strong. I do have some worries, though:


Through this divorce, there will be lots of pain. My parents divorced when I was about 6 so I don't remember a whole lot. Jim says we need to be extra strong so that when that time comes around we are completely there for each other. Anyone know what to expect?


Thank you again for your input, this is so kind of you.


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