afraid of letting go

[deejay74]

i've decided to repost this in a new thread as i almost hijacked my previous posting.

 

although i broke NC on tuesday to get some things off my chest and to get some closure for me, i did feel better however the one thing that still haunts me is letting go. i still can't seem to do it.

 

although it's only been 1 month since the break up, yesterday i believe i realized i am afraid to let go. i think i am afraid to let go of the good memories and the good feelings we had together because i am afraid that i won't have those ever again. i'm not so sure about this one, but i think i am afraid to let go because i may forget about her and by letting go makes me think i'll never get a chance with her again (even though i know there's really no chance left anyway - after all, she ENCOURAGED me to date other people!). those good times we spent together and closeness i shared with her mean a lot to me and it's almost like a portrait - if i destroy the picture, i'll never get it back and soon the image i have in my memory will fade away, and i don't want that.

 

has anyone else felt this way too? i know holding on is preventing me from moving on. i think this is the last step to my recovery but it's the most difficult one.

[annie24]

Yes, I've definitely felt that way and I think a lot of other people have. Yes, it is possible, if you move on, you'll get over her. And if she comes back, what if you don't want her anymore?

 

Well, I think it's better that you move on, and then if she comes back (and there's only a 3% chance of that happening), then you get to be the one to make the decision. You can take some time to think about if you want her back or not.

 

97% of the time though, exes don't come back, so at least you will be well on your way to moving on.

[annie24]

PS - you'll never forget the good times - they will always be somewhere in the back of your head

[coollady1957]

You wont forget the good memories. They will always be a part of you. However it will get better and better with time. Eventually you can put those memories in the proper perspective and they wont be so much a part of your immediate thoughts. I am also at the one month or close to one month on a break up, so I know some of how you are feeling. Some of the steps to healing are difficult. You are the point now where you must accept things as they are. Put your memories in a special place in your heart and mind, and move on with your life. I feel you will be ok with time.

[Pheonixpassion84]

I know how you feel, I'm going though a similar thing.

 

You have to let go to move on, its part of the process.

 

And you will never forget the good times you had, they will always be a part of you

[Dako]

All the good memories will be there for you. Don't be afraid of letting go of the expectations, dreams and plans. Someday like many of us, you'll have fond memories of a valuable period in your life added to the new ones you'll accumulate in the future.

 

Coming to this conclusion helped me move on. I even hope my ex meets Mr. Right #2.

[deejay74]

well today i had a pretty revealing therapy session.

 

i talked about how i can't seem to let go and that i think i am afraid to let go. we talked about my thought processes and we discovered that i really haven't let those feelings of accepting the break up flow through me. everytime i start to think about it, i trick myself into holding onto hope that i can somehow get back together with my ex, or i try to understand why my ex did what she did. in otherwords, i distract myself from feeling the pain of the break up. i've never really sat there and let myself really feel how it is to accept the fact of what happened and that my ex won't return. i also found out that i am deathly afraid of being alone and that i somehow feel like my ex is one of the end-all-be-all women for me and that it'll another 5 years to meet anyone else. it is true, i hate being alone and it is scary for me.

 

well, she told me to just sit there and let the feelings sink in and i started to sob. basically, to come into the moment and feel the loss and accept it. it was a very horrible and painful feeling but afterwards, i did feel better. she said i should do this around someone can be supportive.

 

anyway, i just thought i'd share my experience with those who may be having a hard time of letting go. i hope it can help.

[deejay74]

PS - you'll never forget the good times - they will always be somewhere in the back of your head

 

you wanna know what's funny? we may have only had 2 or 3 "bad times" during our relationship. the rest were good times, so i guess at least almost all my memories of her are good. well, except for the break up.

 

one thing that i can't seem to wrap my head around (and after my therapy session, i think i am going to stop trying) is how can she seem to have no more feelings for me at all when she didn't even break up with me because she didn't like me anymore or something like that. it seems like she's completely moved on and has no "romantic" feelings for me.

 

anyway, i guess it's no use in trying to figure it out but it hurts nonetheless.

[luciddreamer]

Sounds like you are making progress, good for you.

Fear is often behind the actions that hold us back. .. but everything happens as it should. Sometimes you just can't control what life gives you, and it will eat you alive to try to manipulate another person's feelings, actions, thoughts...

check out 'everything arises, everything falls away: teachings on impermanence and the end of suffering', and zen and the art of falling in love. hang in there..

[Dako]

i am deathly afraid of being alone and that i somehow feel like my ex is one of the end-all-be-all women for me and that it'll another 5 years to meet anyone else. it is true, i hate being alone and it is scary for me.

 

That sums up my most basic worries as well.

 

Today I started to worry about how I'll do laundry when I get my own home. I used to do all the laundry before, but somehow that became a big deal to me today. Trivial things seem huge when the future is so uncertain, One step at a time.

 

That therapist seems pretty sharp.

Letting the pain go through you is how I visualize it, and if it goes through you it comes out. Kind of corny, I realize.

[octopus]

I want to give an example from my previous ex (not the one i've posted here about). I've had some memories with him, that could have been movie scenes... We did a lot of 'first's together, and after our break up (right when Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind came out), I just wanted to have ALL those great romantic memories erased - for good. I wanted to go get a tattoo, so when I look at it, I would tell myself to be strong and not think of him again.

 

So 1 full year after that, I think of all those great scenes in my head, and I feel SOOO good we lived them. When I think of those scenes, I can not feel the love I had for him, or the pain I went through afterwards. Those memories make my life richer, and make me smile, and make me feel lucky.

 

And with my new break up, just like yours, all memories were good. Except for the break up of course, when he looked in my eyes and told me he didn't love me as much as he loved his ex,pronouncing her name. That i wish I could forget now. But i know it'll be a loooong time before I forget how cruelly he did that.

 

So my 2 cents is, this too, will pass. Although it's ups and downs now, that will fade away one day. Most probably when someone new comes into our lives. Until then, we will torture ourselves with 'what if's' and 'I miss him's.

[deejay74]

one other thing it hard for me to accept is that my ex is free to have sexual relations with other men now or that she is currently having a sexual relationship with someone. i know i am free to do that too but knowing this doesn't really help b/c i want my ex to want me in that way. i want to make love to my ex and she's currently the only one i desire in that way. i am trying to do what i did at my therapists office and let this acceptance flow through me and this is just as hard as accepting the break up. before i met my ex, i went 11 months w/o sex and this also scares me aside from being scared to be alone.

 

it's frustrating as well because i have never been the "player" type and so i can't just go out there and find someone to have sex with. my ex's always have been the type of girls who can get guys very easily (they really don't even have to try) and so i wish i had that ability. i know most of you on here say jumping into a sexual relationship with someone else right after the breakup is bad, but i think it would actually help me to stop thinking about what my ex might be doing.

 

by the way, which is worse? the dumper jumping into a sexual relationship after the break up or the dumpee?

 

[EDIT] - i would also like to say i really admire the strength of those who did lose their ex to someone else or those who found out later that their ex is with another person. here i am only speculating about it and that alone drives me nuts. to those of you who know their ex's are with someone else, how do you cope with that and can you offer any advice (aside from saying "don't think about it" b/c that doesn't work for me)?

[luciddreamer]

Hi, iwantherback,

I'm just like you, though I'm a woman...my situation is that my ex and i were 'in limbo' for the last year after breaking up (we were together 3 years total) and 10 days after telling me he loved me and maybe we could work it out, he had hooked up with someone else on a layover. (I pieced this part together but am fairly sure). Then two weeks later he was sleeping with her and told me that we should go NC so i would stop haunting him and he could have a chance with her (though he still loved me, blech). How do i cope? i am compassionate and empathize that perhaps he is confused and in pain, and sincerely believes he is getting over me in a healthy way by doing this, regardless of the possibility that he's not dealing with the loss in the plain and solitary way needed. if he's happy, that's good. i have to do what i need to do and do what's best for me...which, as you said, is not to jump into some sexual fling with someone who has superficial compatibility or is able to comfort me. let it (these thoughts of your ex and whoever) come into your consciousness, then fully try to let them go realizing you can't change anything, and shouldn't. i plan to get over this loss in a way that does not bring baggage into the future.

[photomo]

I've also been having exactly the same feelings about being too scared to let go. I was in a relationship for 6 years, and she left me in October for no other reason than simply falling out of love with me.

 

I am now into the third week of NC, and it is causing me to have all types of mixed emotions. Some days I feel strong and confident, and feel like I am moving on....but then at the same time, I feel bad because I feel like I am letting go, and feel like our relationship was not meant to be. But then some days (like today), I feel really upset and really miss her....but then at the same time I feel happy that I still love and care for her, and that I know my feelings are genuine.

 

I wonder whether it will ever be possible to let go of someone you love....I accept that people move on and meet new people, but deep down, I believe there will always be some sort of love and care for the ex.