Husband won't give up former cyber partners?

[strikeonbox]

Okay. So I found out that my new husband still "chats" with a number of women - but when I reviewed the chat archives (with his permission) I found nothing amiss. Later I reviewed the chat archives WITHOUT his permission, I still found nothing to indicate he was cheating - but he was exceptionally kind and patient with them, the way he is with me - expressing concern, etc. He is a kind and empathetic person and that is one of the reasons I married him. I don't mind that he's kind to other people.

 

However, also I discovered that he still chats with two women in particular that I would prefer he not remain in contact with.

 

One is a woman with whom he used to have cybersex with prior to our relationship and marriage - a woman who has sex on webcam and is, in polite terms, what I consider slutty. She had previously expressed an extreme interest in visiting my husband (before he was my husband) to have sex with him (and had even suggested a threesome between us), and he with her. In fact, long before we were married but while we were dating, he told me that he would never allow her to visit because of his longstanding interest in a sexual encounter with her. Apparently now she is with another man and rarely chats with him, and since he has never cheated and would never cheat, he feels it is appropriate to maintain a relationship with her (chat online and on the telephone with her).

 

I say that because his relationship with her causes me what I consider legitimate fear and hurt and insecurity and discomfort that it would be a reasonable sacrifice for him to severe his relationship with her. It's not like they are old friends or good buddies - they'd never even actually met in person.

 

He also continues to chat with a woman with whom he had a sexual relationship with - and this women still wants a romantic relationship with him. She went so far as to tell him that she was pregnant in order to get him to stay with her. This would not normally bother me, but they only dated for 4 weeks (and you don't fall into a real love relationship in that period of time anyway) and she was 38 at the time (past the age of easy fertility) and they only had sex on three different days (although multiple times on each day) and because he (my husband) never orgasmed during those times - I find it extremely unlikely that she was pregnant by him - considering the fact that she was sleeping with other men AND still living with her husband at the same time.

 

I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that women living with their husbands don't occasionally have sex with them. That and the fact that he's never gotten ANY woman pregnant ever, even in relationships where he didn't use protection. When it came down to her never becoming visibly pregnant or having an actual baby, she cried to him that she "lost the baby" and gave him a guilt trip to last a lifetime. It bothers me that she (in my opinion) lied to him about the pregnancy in an effort to trap him into a relationship, and it bothers me that he believed her and still has guilt over it and puts her on a pedestal that I don't believe she belongs on. Maybe it's a "masculinity" thing, needing to impregnate someone to prove your virility or something, even though he doesn't go for that type of thing.

 

Anyway, I asked him to stop chatting and talking with these two women (I have no problem with him talking to other people) but I don't want him talking to women he had long periods of cybersex with or women who still want a sexual or romantic relationship with him, no matter how he promises he would never do that.

 

I got so upset when he refused and said that I was trying to "control" him and tell him who he could be friends with that I got on his e-mail/IM and blocked these women. He immediately found out, grew even more angry, added them back onto his lists, and made statements such as "if this is the way you are going to be then I don't know if we can be together." I responded that I couldn't live in a relationship where my husband had chat/phone relationships with women who posed what I feel is a legitimate threat to our marriage. I admit to some insecurity and maybe I'm wrong - but I voluntarily started individual counseling and admitted everything and also scheduled couples counseling for us to deal with this.

 

Am I wrong? What would other women do in this situation? Men? What would you do if it were your wife/girlfriend asking you to end the chat/phone relationships? I was very wrong to go into his e-mail/IM and block them - I feel terrible. I feel like I'm tearing us apart with my insecurity, but do I have a right to be insecure in this circumstance or no? I'll abide by whatever the majority decides, as well as by the advice of the psychologists.

[DN]

You have made this into a battle of wills and who is right or wrong has become secondary to who is going to win the battle.

 

Time to defuse the anger and harsh words and sit down and talk it through rationally and quietly. Tell him why you are concerned and listen to what he says. Don't forget that part of his reaction is going to be anger that you don't trust him as well as a feeling that you are trying to control him - as if you were his mother. Don't do that.

 

Explain why you feel insecure, that you want all his emotional support and feel as if the relationship is being diminished by it. Make it about what you need, not about him being a bad husband. Ask for love and support, don't demand that he do what you want.

 

Negotiation and compromise is key to a good relationship as well as communication. The way that you ask for something is as important as what you ask for.

[DN]

And how much of your insecurity has to do with the abuse you suffered from a preious husband that you posted about the other day?

[Hope75]

I don't think you are wrong or being unreasonable.

 

Given the choice between you and continuing a relationship chatting with these women, he told you he didn't know if he could be with you anymore... that is pretty disconcerting.

 

Him continuing to chat with these women and others is disrespectful to your marriage. It is selfish of him to continue to be friends with these women, knowing how much it hurts you, his wife.

 

Are you prepared to accept his relationships with these women? If not, what can you do?

[strikeonbox]

I totally agree with the first poster. I didn't approach it in the healthiest of ways. Once I calmed down and tried to explain the basis for my fear and insecurity and what I was asking from him and why, by then he was too upset to listen and told me he would consider my words when I was more stable - being a day, a week, a month - which made me more upset and hurt as I felt helpless and rejected. We've talked at length about my insecurities and fears stemming from my former abusive marriage and about working through this together. I asked him to read Judith Hermann's book, "Trauma and Recovery" to help him understand the severe trust issues and aftermath of such abuse. We also discuss this in counseling and how to deal with it. At the same time, I am still hurt. I will try your advice and see what happens. It just hurts, because in my past marriage, "friends and buddies" turned into (or already were) lovers and confidants and those relationships continued throughout our marriage and even after, despite his constant denial. And maybe I'm letting unimportant details bug me based on past experience, but here goes:

 

Any guys out there who have something to say in this? The way I see it is that I'm the one that married him, loves him, sleeps with him, cares for him, invests in him, and have committed my life to him. Shouldn't my feelings matter more than some woman he used to cyber with and some woman he had a four week relationship with years ago? Would you guys give up internet chat buddies (who you have a history with) for your wife? Even he admits that the main reason for internet chat between men and women is flirtation and relationship seeking, although he swears this is not the case with them.

 

Mind me, I'm no angel. I can be emotional, insecure, angry, tearful, and I did spy on him and block those women from his chat/e-mail. Later, however, I did admit that that was terribly wrong and a violation of his trust and privacy and asked him to change his passwords and insisted that we discuss this with our psychologist.

 

Also, we constantly argue about whether she (the second woman) lied about being pregnant. I think if he admits to himself that she told a terrible hurtful lie, he would have to stop thinking of her as some angel who suffered because of him. What's the word with what you know on the chances of her actually having been pregnant? He talks about women being gold-diggers and manipulators and such, but then crumbles when he talks about this "pregnancy". Even his own family and friends didn't believe she was pregnant. Maybe this is off topic, but I'd like some opinions here.

[DN]

Better not to get in a discussion about her pregnancy or lack of same. It is a distraction from the main issue about how you and your husband communicate and get along with each other. Don't get sidetracked off that because it will not serve you or your marriage. You will be arguing about who is right or wrong again - and that is not the way to manage things.

[SoGoodImWorried]

strikeonbox,

my ex-girlfriend said she was pregnant when I told her I was breaking up. It was very painful to hear that, even if I knew (almost for sure) that it was a lie. It WAS a lie. I never called her again. But she is still calling me from time to time, even after more than a year after the breakup. It feels like she still wants a romantic relationship with me, but she denies it when I ask. She claims that she wants to keep in touch (the same way she has been keeping in touch with another of her ex-boyfriends for the last 20 years).

 

I hope that eventually, she will stop calling. This is my attitude towards her. 'strikeonbox', your husband has a different attitude towards his ex-girlfriends, he wants to keep in touch. This is very likely a part of his personality he can't change. And I tend to believe him when he says he would not cheat on you. If my girlfriend/wife asked me to stop contacting any of my friends, I would not be to happy about that.

 

However, if my time spent for my friends was taking some time away from the time I have for the relationship with my wife, I would like my wife to tell me. 'strikeonbox', is your husband chatting on the internet instead of spending time with you, or is he chatting on the internet as personal time spent while you are doing an activity on your own personal time?

[Hope75]

Your approach might not be the best way to get your husband to listen to you- but I still think that him keeping up these 'relationships' online with women who were former lovers or intimate chat buddies (inluding one that still is interested in him romantically), is just disrespectful of your marriage.

 

Does anyone else see this?

[novaseeker]

Hope, it may or may not be. I mean if he isn't having any kind of cybersex with them, or romantic banter/flirting and that type of thing ... who's to say whom he can be friends with? Is it appropriate for a spouse to say "you can't be friends with person X", even though your relationship with person X isnt inappropriate?

 

However, I do think the OP's husband should be more considerate of the OP's feelings. I suspect he may not have been because of how this has been handled: he feels like he's being dictated to, and then controlled and of course he's going to push back.

 

I think the OP has to start again with this issue with a real simple conversation about why this bothers her as much as it does and really explain how much it hurts her, and if the husband still disagrees, suggest some couples counseling to help you work through the issues relating to it that each of you may have.

[OceanEyes]

Okay, here's how I see it (and I say this by picturing myself in your shoes):

 

The part that would be most troubling to me, is that he wouldn't voluntarily remove these women from his life. It would bother me that it wouldn't just 'go without saying', or that he wouldn't have enough respect, common sense, and loyalty to me to just STOP that type of contact on his own. There are certain things in life which we don't just *know* about our partners, and have to learn and adjust to. This is one of those situations where he should KNOW better, and WANT to devote his intimacy to you and only you. Isn't that what marriage is about?

Question: Why doesn't this man have more male friends? I mean, how many married men can justify maintaining relationships with former cyber-sex partners? I know without a doubt that my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate or tolerate this. It's bizarre, weakens trust, and raises a lot of questions.

 

All you can do is share with him how you feel, and hope that he makes the choice himself to stop chatting with these women. If he would really rather carry on relationships with these cyber women than make his wife happy, then I really feel for you. This shouldn't be a case of you trying to control him. I don't see it that way, and would probably not like this one bit either.

[Itsok]

I think this is very disrespectful to their marriage Hope. I am quite sure were the situations reversed that he wouldn't tolerate this. Not nice.

[fishrrshortae]

Your approach might not be the best way to get your husband to listen to you- but I still think that him keeping up these 'relationships' online with women who were former lovers or intimate chat buddies (inluding one that still is interested in him romantically), is just disrespectful of your marriage.

 

Does anyone else see this?

 

 

I see this as terribly direspectful to the marriage. Her feelings should come before someone he's never met and someone he went out with for a month. Frankly, if he can't see that, HE needs counseling. I haven't gone through any significant trauma or anything like that, and I would be very insecure in this situation. Show him this post and these responses. He is way out of line. I am glad you are getting counseling, either way. Hopefully he will be able to see that this is going to cost him his marriage. If it hasn't already.

[SexySadie7]

I don't see what the posters former marriage has to do with it. Even if she had never been married or in a relationship.. I'd still feel like i was on shaky ground if i were here.

How long have y'all been married? if he's been doing this for years since you got married, you've got every right to get mad. But let me not assume here.

For one.. the first woman who he had cybersex with. he admits that he wouldn't invite her up to their area b/c he's had a longstanding interest in her sexually!!! What the heck.. what kind of thing is that to tell a woman you are dating???

This speak to a whole lot of disrespect and lack of concern for her feelings on his part.

Then the poster mentions this same woman wants to have a threesome with she and her future husband! Eewww.. I'd want to throw the computer out the window if i knew my husband want talking to this kind of person.

It's no wonder at all she's feels uncomfortable.

Now. for the other woman, it is possible to get pregnant at 38.. and it is possible for someone to fall in love in 4 short weeks. But... he married you not her...

She should leave him alone. I belong to a dating site and if I find out that the guy i'm speaking to is married, I politely tell him.. i am NOT interested in chatting anymore.

I've had boyfriends who've gotten married.. Do I call them.. or chat with them on frequent basis?? No way! She sounds like a home-wrecker to me..

I can understand your concerns and frustrations.. So what you blocked his e-mail.. You felt you had no other choice.

You both need to be in counselling.. You can show him these letters but i think a professional counselling would be more beneficial to you both than a bunch of letters off the internet from people who've never met you.

Best of luck. You sound like a nice lady.