Am I being ridiculous?

[sbrew21]

So I got upset with my b/f last night. He made plans with me, more or less just to hang out, nothing specific. He came over at around 9 o'clock pm to tell me at around 10pm that he would be leaving my house to go meet up with his friend. This completely upset me. Usually when we have plans for the night he just stays over and we hang out, eat popcorn, or whatever. I just couldn't believe that he would make plans with me and his friend. I just thought it was a slap in my face. I told him this too. I got really upset and emotional which I hate doing but it just came out. To make a long story short he didn't end up staying but he did tell me was sorry and he didn't want me to be mad at him. I just feel like boyfriends don't do that. He asked me last night for a kiss good bye and I said no and he said why and I said because I don't like you right now... and he left. Am I being ridiculous? He didn't understand what I was so upset about and I really had a hard time explaining myself. He just doesn't get it. So now, if he calls I don't know if I should answer, or give him the cold shoulder or what? Any suggestions?

[annie24]

You guys have been dating for 6 months, right? It seems to me like there's something off about your relationship - like, you two have problems communicating. This sounds to me like a miscommunication more than anything else. Maybe you two didn't have concrete plans, and you just assumed he would be spending the night. He just said he'd come by to see you, not that he would stay for a while.

 

I think you two should sit down, and just talk about your feelings and what you want out of a relationship.

 

What I really like about my dude is that I feel like I can tell him anything, and likewise, he's very open and honest with me about thoughts he is having.

[sbrew21]

i have a really hard time communicating with him. He just doesn't get it. Yet I care about him too much to break up. And yes, we didn't have concrete plans but it was still disappointing. I just don't know if I should answer his calls or not. He knows I am mad at him

[forever1476]

Talk to him about how he made you feel then, sincerely listen to his explanation. Watch how he responds when he's realized that he's hurt your feelings. Sometimes guys just don't understand what females consider the basics of a relationship. Once you've talked about it, let it go. Don't hold on to it and hold a grudge. Now, if he starts to make a habit out of this, you'll know that he's not really concerned with your feelings and its time to move on.

[DN]

So you made plans that were not specific but just to hang out and he did exactly that but then had plans later with a friend. Why was that a slap in your face? Is he not allowed to see his friend? You are acting as if he canceled on you altogether.

 

Now, having over-reacted by not talking calmly but by treating him badly, you want to continue the bad feelings until what? He apologises (which he has already done) and then you can think that you have won the battle?

 

You may win this time but it could also cost you the relationship sooner or later. I think you need to find a better way to deal with disagreements that occur between you.

[annie24]

I think now is not the time to be passive-aggressive. Really, I think that communication is vitally important to a relationship. I think you two need to be very direct with one another. For example, you two agreed you would "hang out". But, you never specified for how long, what you two would do... etc. You just assumed he would spend the night. From his point of view, he did come and hang out with you for 1 hour. He didn't just cancel - which he could have, to see his friends. Instead, he decided to go out with you, and then go see his friends.

 

Maybe in the future, you should be more clear about what you are expecting - the both of you! If you make plans, be very precise about what you two will be doing and for how long.

[sbrew21]

i did talk to him about it. That's what sucks, and he doesn't say anything except for that he doesn't understand why this upsets me. I really don't know how to explain it to him. I guess I just want more. He told me that he "likes me so much" and he loves being with me. This is what he said last night, yet he still leaves to go be with his friend just to chill. I told him I feel like his little distraction for when his friends are not around. He just doesn't get why I feel this way. I just don't know what to do. I guess I just want him to want me more and I don't know how to do it.

[sbrew21]

Now, having over-reacted by not talking calmly but by treating him badly, you want to continue the bad feelings until what? He apologises (which he has already done) and then you can think that you have won the battle?

 

first of all I didn't throw a fit. I got sad and disappointed. I did not treat him badly at all. Usually when a guy says or my boyfriends says hey lets hang out tonight, it means more than an hour.

 

Of course he can see his friends. He sees his friends every day.

[Ms Omaniac]

haha you sound like how i used to be.

and they are sooooooooo right. i used to get upset and then not want to talk about it and give the bf the cold shoulder.

when really...what i should have done is told him why something bothered me and it clears up the situation in like no time. less time is spent being hurt and more time is spent productively.

im not saying you didnt have a reason to be upset. but you went about it the wrong way.

you should have said...wow...you know usually when we're together...i really look forward to you staying a long time and you spending the night. this is a huge disappointment. you should have hung out with him first and then ended up with me or some other conclusion that you would be happy with.

but blowing up and then holding a grudge....it puts everything on hold. and gets old.

but communicating what's bothering you...that will make BOTH of you much happier.

[DN]

And yes, we didn't have concrete plans but it was still disappointing. I just don't know if I should answer his calls or not. He knows I am mad at him

 

Prolonging a less than earth-shattering relationship issue by not answering calls is not the way I would expect someone who is 26 years old to behave.

[sbrew21]

you should have said...wow...you know usually when we're together...i really look forward to you staying a long time and you spending the night. this is a huge disappointment. you should have hung out with him first and then ended up with me or some other conclusion that you would be happy with.

 

but blowing up and then holding a grudge....it puts everything on hold. and gets old.

I did say all of that. I was extremely calm. I didn't blow up at him or yell at him. I was really just sad. And his response well I will just see you another day. Which of course is true, but it still sucks and hurts because why make plans with both of us. Just make plans with your boyfriend tomorrow instead.

[DN]

He asked me last night for a kiss good bye and I said no and he said why and I said because I don't like you right now...

 

I would say that this is treating him badly - it is certainly not treating him well.

 

He is not psychic - if you can't communicate properly what problems you have with him it is unfair to expect him to understand them.

[sbrew21]

I guess, It makes sense to me, just not to him and I don't know how to make him get it.

[sbrew21]

i just don't know what else to do, i already tried explaininig what i wanted to him

[sbrew21]

well thanks for not making me feel any better

[annie24]

look at things from your boyfriend's point of view. He rightfully, I think, doesn't understand why you are mad. He said he'd hang out, he did. He loves you, that's why he's with you. And, yes, he'll see you another day. it's not like it was your birthday, or you had some big plans that you he blew off.

 

He probably doesn't understand why you are so upset.

 

Maybe you two should just communicate each other's feelings more clearly.

[sbrew21]

yea well he doesn't communicate his feelings. And unfortunately he didn't say he loves me. just that he "likes me a lot" That's all I get out of him. I can't put myself anymore out there. I mean I have put my guard down completely.

 

and its not the end of the world, but when we have had plans he never just disses me like that. Plus my friends called me to hang out and I said no b/c I had plans with him. Such is life i guess.

[Relationship Coach]

sbrew,

 

100% lack of communication on his part and yours! You made an assumption based on what has happened in the past when he has come over and he could of told you prior to coming over that he already had plans at 10:00 with his friend. I have the feeling if he would of told you this, you would still have been disappointed and he probably would not have come over at all but an ugly scene would have been avoided.

 

I got really upset and emotional which I hate doing but it just came out.

 

Quoted above in your own words, this was a poor reaction. Part of communication is in how you say something not just what words you chose to articulate your point. I really feel you have been on edge with this guy and unsure of your status since you dropped the "L" Bomb on him and he did not reciprocate. Little eruptions like this could keep him at bay, you want to draw him in closer, not push him away. Be less clingy and give him some wiggle room. Do not play games with him, you're not in high school anymore. When he calls, talk to him and explain the real reason you got upset with him. It had nothing to do with him making plans with his friend, you were just looking forward to an entire evening with him.

 

Remember, the two of you are at different stages in this relationship, you are in love with him and you have expressed that to him and now you are in limbo waiting for him to catch up. Blowing up wont help!

 

RC

[RayKay]

I think you are both just not really communicating and listening.

 

I think you want him to see it your way, but are not quite ready to see it his way.

 

While "usually" he comes over and spends the night, it does not mean that this time he HAD to, or had promised to, which may be why he is confused. Now of course you had expectations of what was going to happen, they did not, and so you feel hurt like he "ditched you to go be with his buddy". And he cannot see why you hurt because he did hang out with you and had not promised to stay overnight.

 

He probably got frustrated as he felt "punished" and also "tied down" by your reaction.

 

It's possible he did not tell you ahead of time knowing you would be upset, but it's also possible he was in a way "testing" you to see what you would do if he expressed in a way he wanted more freedom to be with his friends...not necessarily consciously, but he may have wanted to see in some way.

 

Use this as a way to open some communication between the two of you on how you each see things like this, and for future expectations. Let him know that in the future, you would like to know beforehand of his plans, not when he comes by as you don't want to give up your night if there are no plans to spend it together. Apologize for holding back on the kiss, as well. You should not use forms of intimacy as punishment like that, they weaken the bond between you.

 

You need to communicate with one another, and not think that what YOU believe or think is automatically how THEY will see it. You need to clear this up.

[DN]

I am not trying to make you feel better - I am trying to help you not blow a minor issue into a major confrontation that could easily cost you the relationship. If you have a problem with him - talk about it. Calmly and rationally and without anger. Negotiation and compromise are key to any problems in a relationship - escalating the issue as you seem bent on doing can be extremely counter-productive and you could lose far more than you want to gain. .

[sbrew21]

he just doesn't get it, and he doesn't express his feelings so its frustrating.

[Relationship Coach]

Have you ever considered that he is comfortable with the way the relationship is and does not want to take it to the next level? If he is telling you he "likes you a lot" as you said, he is expressing his feelings. Are you getting frustrated because he has not fallen in love with you?

[DN]

Don't mistake misunderstanding or incomprehension for disagreement. He may just simply think you are wrong (although he did say he was sorry, an apology you seem determined not to accept).

 

Perhaps he talks about his feelings as much as he thinks he needs to. Again, don't project on to him the way you think he ought to be.

 

Tell him why you had a problem and why you felt hurt. Don't make him the bad guy - make it about what you need and perhaps he will try to give you what you want. But if you cast him in the role of 'bad boyfriend' he will resent you for it and and before you know it you will have a major disagreement instead of a minor one.

 

When people are pushed they usually react by pushing back or walking away. Neither is desirable in a relationship. So don't push.

[RayKay]

Don't mistake misunderstanding or incomprehension for disagreement. He may just simply think you are wrong (although he did say he was sorry, an apology you seem determined not to accept).

 

Perhaps he talks about his feelings as much as he thinks he needs to. Again, don't project on to him the way you think he ought to be.

 

Tell him why you had a problem and why you felt hurt. Don't make him the bad guy - make it about what you need and perhaps he will try to give you what you want. But if you cast him in the role of 'bad boyfriend' he will resent you for it and and before you know it you will have a major disagreement instead of a minor one.

 

When people are pushed they usually react by pushing back or walking away. Neither is desirable in a relationship. So don't push.

 

"Ditto" to what DN said.

 

Don't project your expectations on to him, or expect him to read your mind, even if you tell him why you are upset, unless you explain it without accusing him he may not see why.

 

This is really a very small incident, that is getting bigger the more you are determined to be right, even if you do feel he is not being "sorry" enough, give him the benefit of the doubt and approach him and talk to hime about it. He may be wondering what IS the big deal but that does not mean he does not know he hurt you.

 

I bet if from the start you had said, "oh, that's too bad...I guess I will call "Jane" and make some plans with her for when you leave then!" he would of either showed you even more love and appreciation for it, knowing he has some freedom, and come back to you later that night, or even the next, to show it.

[annie24]

he just doesn't get it, and he doesn't express his feelings so its frustrating.

 

well... you're not expressing your feelings fully to him either.

 

actually, I was just thinking about the issue you had with him 2 months ago. When he hadn't called you for a week, and you got upset, and threatened to break off the relationship. Why didn't you just call him and say, "Hi! How's it going?" He's not a mind reader. Maybe he figured if you wanted to talk to him, you would have called him. He could have just as easily been angry at you for not calling him!

 

And with this issue, he didn't know you wanted him to spend the night. After all, you didn't tell him specifically that you wanted him to spend the night, right?

 

Like DN and RayKay said, tell him what you want and need from a relationship - not what you expect him to do. Do you see the difference?